We live in a pornist society. "Porn is filth. Porn is smut. Porn is dirt." —Society
Sure, porn can be obscene (depending on your preferences), but it can sometimes be surprisingly beautiful. Such is the case with Pam and Tommy: Hardcore and Uncensored. The aging Mötley Crüe drummer and the Baywatch babe were the unknowing pioneers of what has become a rich tradition of accidental celebrity sex tapes. What's most astonishing is that in the film's 75 minutes, only a net total of 6 minutes are purely sexual.
For those who purchased the tape for the reason most people purchase porn, these sexless spans must be infuriating. My theory? It satisfies like any great romantic film. We get to know a couple—how they communicate, how they express affection, how they work—and feel like they really earn their love scenes. What's more is that they pull the feat off all by themselves, handling all of the cinematography, editing, and even special effects (which must have been cut).
"With Valentine's Day right around the corner," to quote every article written the first half of February, I thought I might isolate these moments that make Pam and Tommy more than just another 1 Night in Paris. It's not filth or smut or dirt. It's a candid look at the strange and beautiful chemistry of two famous lovebirds. Maybe you and yours will watch and see some of yourselves in the pair. At the very least, you'll get to see Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee have sex.
(In Chronological Order)
1. Tommy baked Pam a cake!
"Birthday, birthday, birthday!" Pam squeals, showing off Tommy's beautiful icing cursive to the camera.
2. Pam brought Tommy road trip snacks!
"Ew, O.J., nasty!" teases Tommy.
3. Pam pays cinematic respect to Tommy's body art!
Methods of Mayhem was Tommy Lee's first album after cutting ties with Mötley Crüe. Smart subliminal advertising, P.
4. Tommy suggests their travels for Pam's Mom and Dad!
"Wanna show your mom and dad Catalina?" Tommy submits. Equal parts playful and considerate.
5. They have The Pregnancy Talk!
"We need to get me preggos!" insists Pam. "I'm trying!" reassures Tommy. Great to see a couple on the same page.
6. They constantly call each other "Lover!"
The pair breathes new life into the antiquated pet name, employing it in both intimate moments and casual conversation.
7. They get totally lost, and totally laugh about it!
Classic RomCom Dialogue:
Tommy: Where's the bridge?!
Pam: I dunno, Lover!
8. Tommy says, "I love you. I love you. I love you." to the camera!
While we don't condone selfies while driving, we do condone honest admissions of affection.
9. Pam coos, "I have the best f***ing husband on the planet!"
That's like, step one of being a wife.
10. Their road trip soundtrack includes "Misery" by Soul Asylum!
It would've been so easy to blast his own music on the off-chance that someone stole their sex tape, but he was kind enough to shout out to the alt rock heroes.
11. Tommy pulls off a seriously beautiful swan dive!
SPOILER: This athletic display got Pam really in the mood for sex.
12. They constantly remind the other that they are really married, and really in love.
Select Quotes: "You're gorgeous!" "Look at my beautiful wife!" "You're mine for the rest of my life!" "I love you, Pamela!" "I love you, Tommy!"
After a while, you really start to believe them. How lucky for them to have captured these feelings while they lasted.
Happy Valentine's Day.