WOAH! What a night to be a contestant on The Bachelor.

If you are Juan Pablo, you're crying. If you are Sharleen, you're crying.

If you are Renee, or Chelsie, you are crying softly and mostly off-camera. And If you are Clare or Nikki, you are having what I think might be the worst girl-fight in the history of reality television.

Honestly. So much genuine tension between these two contestants, they really have enough fodder for an all-out kicking screaming bitch fight. If you're going to go on a reality show as whack as The Bachelor, why not be ready to leave all your dignity at the door, am I right? Which is what Sharleen tried to do originally, I think, but couldn't go through with this nonsense.

Tonight Sharleen decides to tell Juan Pablo, essentially, that she cannot imagine being engaged to a dodo like him. Tru. Life. Dramatics at work. Quote time:

"Being in Miami... where his family is, where his parents. are... it definitely makes this more real. "

Who said it: Andi

Why she said it: Everybody is in Juan Pablo's "hometown" (probably not the best moment in time for a trip to Venezuela) to (maybe, if they are lucky) meet his parents! And Camila! And his ex-wife! What?

"You're good at not trying to impress me, and you're trying to impress me. so, you're good at that."

Who said it: JP to Sharleen on their one-on-one date

Why he said it: Our first hint of the night that Sharleen is out of Juan Pablo's league.

"Words-- how you use, how you speak. So proper."

Who said it: JP, about Sharleen's use of words. :\

Why he said it: I don't know why he said this, but I know what Sharleen was thinking in her head: "Ohhhhkay."

"Think about what you would leave if you left here, what you would regret forever."

Who said it: Renee, to Sharleen

Why she said it: I feel bad for Renee! Since Renee very rarely gets JP love, it's difficult for her to imagine getting A LOT of his love and wanting to throw it all away.

"I'm almost like, speechless, I'm so excited."

Who said it: Nikki

Why she said it: Juan Pablo reveals where he is taking her on their date while they are in the flower shop, and this is her response, delivered in a manic way.

"I'm kind of like..speechless mind blown right now."

Who said it: Nikki

Why she said it: She just met JP's parents at Camila's dance recital (and also his ice queen ex-wife!) and is trying to process it all.

"I just met a beautiful girl who could be a part of my life... forever. It's a big deal."

Who said it: Nikki, though it SOUNDS like it could be Juan Pablo talking, right?

Why she said it: She met Camila, who said about two words to her and gave her a few hilariously skeptical looks, and is like, instantly in love with her since she is the spawn of the man she loves. VOMIT.

"Why are you fancy?

"Yeah, why are you fancy?"

Who said it: Clare, followed by Chelsie

Why they said it: During lounge time, Sharleen comes down to the living room all dressed up because she plans to "break up" with Juan Pablo tonight, and it freaks the girls out because they're all in like yoga pants and shit. Is this a secret date?! What's happening?!

"Don't cry cuz im gonna be upset at you, okay?"

Who said it: Juan Pablo, the cry police

Why he said it: Sharleen is crying because breaking up with Juan Pablo is hard and he can't stand to see her cry!

"The only thing that pisses me off is that you didnt sing enough for me, ok?"

Who said it: Juan Pablo

Why he said it: He's trying to be a gentleman and a good sport, even though he cries afterwards in the confessional! JP, are you for real?!

"I feel... amazing. I got the roooose!"

Who said it: Andi, after finally getting a one-on-one date

Why she said it: Because even if she is an assistant district attorney, she is a sucka for Juan Pablo.

"I wanna hang out w Nikki like I've been stung by a jellyfish."

Who said it: Hater Clare

Why she said it: Nikki and Clare just DON'T GET ALONG, okay?

"Is this your room?"

"Is your stuff in here?"

"Did you pay for it?"

"Is your stuff in here?"

"Did you pay for it?"

"No, did you?"

"No, I didn't pay for it either."

"Oh, so it's not your room."

"It's NEITHER of our rooms."

Who said it: Clare and Nikki. It doesn't even matter who said what.

Why they said it: Was this fight staged, or are these girls the wimpiest? After Nikki left a group conversation to retreat to her room, Clare followed her up to "confront" her because she felt disrespected. Instead of hashing out real problems about how there is obvious tension between the two of them because they are both very obviously two of Juan Pablo's favorites, they fought about whose room they were in and who belonged there. GIRLS, don't you know how to make good television?!?





Who said it: Clare and Nikki, only NOBODY SAID ANYTHING

Why they didn't say it: Right before rose ceremony Renee and Chelsie suddenly "go to the bathroom" leaving Clare and Nikki alone. Everybody wants them to bicker, but instead they sit there uncomfortably until Andi shows up. YAWN CITY.

Who goes home? Chelsie, duh. Next week is a two-nighter event when the girls bring Juan Pablo home to meet their parents, and I can only BEGIN to imagine all of the ridiculous quotes we will have during hometown week.