They say you're not a true celebrity until your sex tape leaks. "They" being perverts.
We're not perverts here at Popdust, but we are Pornalists™*. And, as far as we're concerned, celebrity sex tapes are worthy of acute analysis**.
After watching all of the celebrity sex tapes available - and after copious cold showers - we present to you a ranked list, from worst to first. Everything from cinematography to dialogue to, of course, actual sex was called into question to determine the rankings. You'll notice we used the academic grading scale as opposed to, for instance, "four out of five dicks," because, again, we're not perverts.
Here were the prerequisites for the films chosen:
-Must include at least two people (sorry, Tila Tequila)
-Must be more than just "rumored" (sorry, Lauren Conrad)
-Must not include any underaged peoples (sorry, Rob Lowe)
Any arguments against our assessments are utterly fallacious***.
* Journalists for porn, but we're sure you got that.
** "Hehe, anal." —Perverts
*** This word just sounds dirty, you perverts.
7. Screeched - Saved By The Smell (2006), Starring Dustin Diamond and Two Unnamed Ladies
THE CAST: I think we can all agree that Screech is the last Saved By The Bell cast member we would ever want to watch having sex. (That very much includes Mr. Belding.) "The D-Man," as he charmingly refers to himself, "seduces" a "bride" and a "bridesmaid" at a "bachelorette party" into accompanying him to his hotel room. Let's just say these
actresses ladies are neither of them a Kelly Kapowski.
THE DIALOGUE: The majority of Screeched is Diamond filming the fake bride and bridesmaid as they hook up with each other, occasionally reminding of us of his presence with such winning lines as "Bow chicka bow wow," "Show me a titty!" and "Where's the beef?" The girls kinda just laugh a lot because they're obviously
high out of their minds finding his pithy exclamations entrancing.
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: Thankfully, Diamond mans the camera for the entirety of the video, with the exception of Act 1 in which he is filmed enjoying a bubble bath. The only times after this that you actually see his face are when he swings the camera around for a reaction shot. These moments are cringeworthy and the picture is, unfortunately, very clear. The 99¢ Store-variety bachelorette party goodies strewn about the hotel room provide excellent fodder for some more choice Screech one-liners, like, "Oh, I'm not eating a penis chip!"
THE ACTUAL SEX: The lesbo action is as sexy as watching two heterosexual women engage in lesbo action for Dustin Diamond can be. About 19 minutes into the 52-minute masterpiece, Screech warns the audience and the ladies of the subsequent entrance of "The Beast"/"The Monster" (make up your mythological mind, dude). After being commanded to "Go to work," the bride proceeds to tame the beast/monster orally while Diamond emits moans of pleasure that even Screech would find nerdy. This leads to the two ladies eating a candy necklace off of his schlong, which leads to some lackluster intercourse with more inane banter, which leads to, we sh*t you not, a Dirty Sanchez. (Now do you get the title?)
6. Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom (2013), Starring Farrah Abraham and James Deen
THE CAST: Let's take a look at matters objectively. Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham is a reasonably attractive young lady who has been having sex since she was at least 16. Porn star James Deen has been professionally having sex on camera since he was 18. Recipe for sex-ess (sorry), right? Wrong.
There is an inevitable "ick factor" that surrounds the whole ordeal because - even though she vehemently and ridiculously denies it - the whole thing was completely manufactured. The same goes for Screeched, of course, but there's something more depressing about a mom in her early 20s who is a product of reality television filming a sex tape with a stranger for the purpose of career rejuvenation.
THE DIALOGUE: Here's a sample of the Austenian back-and-forth between these two.
F: I'm gonna go get lube, baby.
J: Why are you gonna go get lube?
F: Because we're gonna do anal.
J: Oh, are we?
F: Haha, yeah.
J: The first thing we're gonna do is anal?
Spoiler alert on the anal, F! Then again, the title is a bit of a giveaway. Despite the copious outbursts of "baby," these two are clearly not a couple and, thus, their methods of communication are awkward and totally unsexy. Both manage to avoid any "Bow chick bow wow" moments, however, which nudges them slightly ahead of The D-Man.
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: Part of the, dare we say, "charm" of a celebrity sex tape is the amateurish feel. This tape clearly has a professional camera crew behind it, significantly raising the ick factor.
The whole shebang is filmed in what appears to be a gorgeous Hollywood duplex. The winding staircase makes for some fun entrances and exits, and the shower bit provides a welcome change-of-scenery, but there's a clock on the TV that continuously reminds us this was filmed at a time of day when people do professional work because this tape is the result of professional work. Ick.
THE ACTUAL SEX: Farrah clearly studied up on how a lady ought to behave in a pornographic film. She is down for any sexual act and position possible, while still maintaining the virginal "I swear I never do this!" vibe throughout.
Let's get objective once again. These two people are skilled sex-havers who manage to get sexually creative with a level of grace that is nearly impossible for most sex-havers. They do it all, and with aplomb. As a stand-alone porno flick, it's grade A. If you can watch it objectively, power to you. We can't.
FINAL GRADE: D+. There's a backstory to Backdoor, and it's icky.
5. Untitled Fred Durst Sex Tape (2005), Starring Fred Durst and Unidentified Female
THE CAST: Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst is perhaps the quintessential example of the "Famous Dude Who Gets The Hottest Girls In Hollywood For Some Reason" phenomenon. (We're looking at you, Wilmer Valderama. And magicians.) The only reason you would want to watch him have sex is because you're curious to see how a guy who has had sex with Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears has sex.
The chick is pretty hot though.
THE DIALOGUE: The three minutes we are privy to contain a total of seven words. Those words being "Yeah" and "Touch my balls and my ass." A little sparse, but points for being so direct.
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: Durst wields the camera for the entirety of the camera, turning it towards himself only once (see picture above) to let us know that those tatted wrists we've been staring at belong to Fred Durst.
Getting jiggy with it on the couch isn't exactly the most romantic of choices, but it does imply a healthy dose of spontaneity. Music nerds will note the song in the background is "Blanket" by Urban Species ft. Imogen Heap. Classy of him to not rock his own music.
THE ACTUAL SEX: Or the "nookie," as it were. The entirety of the video is Durst thrusting his noticeably unlimp biscuit into his lady friend, so it's rather mundane with the exception of the moment where she does, dutifully, touch his balls and ass.
FINAL GRADE: C. Jury is still out on how he bagged 2005's hottest pop princesses, but anything is tolerable for three minutes. (If your response to that was, "Except Limp Bizkit music!" you're a jerk! And possibly correct.)
4. 1 Night In Paris (2004), Starring Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon
THE CAST: In order to assess the cast, we need to mentally travel back to 2004. Paris Hilton was the impressionable—as in, a lot of folks were able to do impressions of her—23-year-old striking hotel heiress whose reality show The Simple Life was just about to air. Then, BOOM! Her ex-boyfriend leaks a sex tape! Life wasn't so simple anymore…
Paris being the tape's star was scandalous enough in 2004 to make it a gigantic deal. Rick Salomon is a total skeev, but who really cares.
THE DIALOGUE: You couldn't call it a true piece of Parisian cinema without at least one "That's hot" slipping out. The rest of the chatter is equally unimaginative, with such gems as "I wanna see your pussy!" and "Rick, you're disgusting!"
The most refreshingly humorous exchange—which has been parodied many times over—is when Paris interrupts intercourse to answer her cellphone. "Fuck your phone!" cries Salomon. Couldn't have scripted it better.
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: The actual sex is filmed using a stationary tripod and night vision, so Paris and Rick look more like glowing-eyed rodents than humans.
We can't help but wonder who these two rodents had to bang in order to score such a nice hotel room.
THE ACTUAL SEX: Vaginal penetration? Check. Fellatio? Check. Cunnilingus? Check. Guy gets off? Check. Girl gets off? NOPE. Messed. Up.
FINAL GRADE: B-. That's only kinda hot.
3. Untitled Colin Farrell Sex Tape(2006), Starring Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain
THE CAST: Even with a completely shaved head and creepy goatee, Colin Farrell is still Colin Farrell. His co-star is former girlfriend and former Playboy playmate Nicole Narain, who is also not difficult to look at.
The main casting issue is the presence of a single white cat. If Best In Show taught us anything, it's that animals who watch humans bang can end up severely traumatized!
THE DIALOGUE: Not a dialogue-packed 14 minutes, but at one point, Farrell's Irish brogue emits a "You are so fucking beautiful." Too few of us are blessed enough to hear such mellifluous tones whilst performing fellatio. :-(
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: This one is shot with the patented graininess we've come to adore, but the set is a grody no-frills apartment. C'mon Farrell! Even Dustin Diamond sprung for a hotel room.
THE ACTUAL SEX: Farrell returns the oral favor, and Narain appears to enjoy it buckets more than Paris Hilton did. If you do end up watching, prepare your eyebrows to raise when the actor engages in reverse cowgirl…sans condom. We don't care if she's on the pill. Two forms, ladies. Two forms.
FINAL GRADE: B. We would rather watch Colin Farrell have sex than any person mentioned above. Except maybe Britney Spears.
2. Kim Kardashian, Superstar (2007), Starring Kim Kardashian and Ray J
THE CAST: It's hard to believe, but there was once a time when you wouldn't have known what a "Kardashian" was. This is the only celebrity sex tape that has turned a total nobody into a total somebody. Kim may have successfully sued for $5 million, but many budding celebrities would pay as much for that kind of XXX-posure.
That this unfathomably voluptuous young thing schtupping Brandy's kinda famous brother Ray J was a socialite not unlike Paris Hilton made the "leak" all the more titillating. The film's stock, like the titular star's fame, has only risen over time.
THE DIALOGUE: Kim and Ray J talk to each other like a real couple, which is a real treat compared to most of the examples prior. "Aw, baby, I'll clean that up for you," Kim offers when Ray J spills juice on his shirt. (Orange juice, you pervert.) Look, it's not Shakespeare, but when she says "baby," you believe her.
And, when words fail her, she knows how to communicate physically.
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: Ray J is certainly the "director" of the film, manning the camera and narrating as he sees fit. The camera quality is excellent, but not weirdly professional.
This tape is super special because it takes place in two separate countries! We follow the peppy pair from the hotel room to the airport to the airplane to Cabo all in a tight 41 minutes. Ambitious!
THE ACTUAL SEX: For a sex tape, there is not a lot of sex. They hit you with some doggie style right off the bat and then it's a whole lot of vacation footage. For instance, that stuff dripping on her chest is sunscreen:
Many have speculated as to whether or not Kim is enjoying the sex quite as much as she appears to be enjoying it - if you took a shot every time she said "I'm coming!" you would be very dead - but why don't we give ole Ray J the benefit of the doubt. He could use the cred.
FINAL GRADE: A-. Kim Kardashian is something else - just ask my dad! And, in the immortal words of Ray J, "She might move on to rappers and ballplayers, but we all know I hit it first." That we do, Ray J. That we do.
1. Pam and Tommy: Stolen Honeymoon(1998), Starring Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
THE CAST: A Baywatch babe. A bad boy rocker. And a camera. In 1998, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee became the unintentional pioneers of the celebrity sex tape. The marriage may not have lasted, but thanks to the internet, this tape always will.
At the time the tape was "leaked," you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone more fantasized about than Pam. Finally, a glimpse of her without that conservative red bathing suit!
Tommy proves he deserves co-billing the moment he exposes his, shall we say, impressive drumstick.
THE DIALOGUE: Kim and Ray J may have talked to each other like a couple, but Pam and Tommy talk to each other like honeymooners. (It is, in fact, their honeymoon.) Nearly every line is punctuated with a "lover." Lines like "I love my husband!" and "Look at my beautiful wife!" are speckled throughout. Tommy even considers the fact that their parents might see this footage: "Wanna show your mom and dad Catalina?"
The dialogue never gets too racy, but Pam does request that Tommy get her "preggo," at which point Tommy exclaims, "I'm trying!" Folks, he is.
THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET DESIGN: The two are both listed as Cinematographers on IMDB, which is fitting as they split the camera duties evenly. There are some truly stellar shots; this swan dive in particular got Pam super in the mood for sex:
We follow Pam and Tommy from their house to a road trip to a boat on Catalina Island. They even get lost at one point and laugh about it. "Hahaha!" —Them.
THE ACTUAL SEX: Okay, so out of the film's 75 minutes, only 6 include sex. For those who purchase porn for the reasons you purchase porn, these spans of sexless bonding must be infuriating. For others, these interstitial scenes establish real chemistry and build up so much anticipation that when they finally do have sex, it's a lot more satisfying than watching Dustin Diamond bang a fake bride.
FINAL GRADE: A. No contest.