I recently fired off my first vag selfie (to a guy I met on Date A Vampire).
Fresh out of the shower, I lay back on my bed, closed my legs , and struggled to navigate the position and my i-phone in much the same awkward way I imagine Stephen Hawking might.
I managed to snap the foot of my bathrobe, the corner where my wall meets my ceiling, then finally my cocker spaniel's ass, but at least I was close on that one given that his tail was hacked by his previous owner, which leaves his asshole starkly exposed for all who dare walk behind him.
[Note to self: Google search: Can you bleach your dog's asshole?]
After 5 or so twitchy attempts, I had a winner.
[Note to editor, please make sure that doesn't autocorrect to “I had a wiener"]
I hit 'send,' and received some thinly veiled complaints. “You need to open your legs more." and “That's a weird angle." I was like, “Whatever, mom." K. Just kidding.
The following night I showcased my work to some girlfriends and one gay dude. Had I missed the mark?
“Yes," my friend Paige opined. “They like you to sit on the floor in front of a full length mirror and hold your leg up like this," and she kind of demonstrated, even though we were at The Veggie Grill. "That way they can see what's going on in there."
What's going on in there? Like a rerun of Family Feud or a laser light show?
It was then that I realized that I had sent Max, the lucky recipient of my first vag selfie, a girl's version of a vag seflie. It was Playboy After Dark, PG-13, soft core at best.
But guys want a gyno shot, so bust out your stirrups. And the Jack Daniels... and, here you go—the definitive guide to securing the sexiest snatch shots:
Step 1: Shower. Yes, I know you can't smell a photograph, but just do it.
Step 2: Shave. Some guys like a hard wood floor, some guys want you to look like you have Jimi Hendrix in a leg lock.
Consult the recipient of your clam-our shot, and adjust pubes accordingly. Or, if you plan to ambush him with your bush or lack there of, a racing stripe seems a good one-size fits all solution.
Step 3: Release Your Inhibitions (See: Jack Daniels) Also, it might make you more limber.
Step 4: Know Your Subject. We've included this handy visual guide to help you know what you're working with.
Some fortunate few may be a number 6 or a 29. You're the Taylor Swift of vags—a natural beauty who needs little manipulation.
Yours is pretty much a point and shoot vags. Styling, make-up, background is all pretty much up to you, but if you really wanna blow him away, you want to shoot Princess Sparkles during what they refer to in the business as “The Magic Hour," which is right before the sun sets. Flattering to all faces, even the one you keep in your pants.
Others of you may be a 7, or a 9, and therefore, like a Kardashian, you might need a little extra help. Hair, make-up, lighting, and in extreme cases, surgery may be necessary. Otherwise, for all other numbers, you could take a cue from Silence of the Lambs and just tuck your shit. For added inspiration, shoot Princess Sparkles to the song, Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus or just look in the mirror and say, “I'd f-ck me so hard," with your other lips. And given that your resting vag face is pretty much open as it is, you don't really have to do the mirror calisthenics that Paige advised.
Step 5: Know Your Angles. For those of you who are long in the labia, spreading may be your friend, as it may diminish some of the bulk. But look at it this way: You have the Angelina Jolie of vags!
Step 7. Hit “Send" ...and pray that you don't wind up seeing Princess Sparkles on Pinterest.