OK, first the part you care about: the results. Drew Ryniewicz (OK), Simone Battle (ugh), Rachel Crow (cool), Tiah Tolliver (AWESOME) and, in a not-entirely-shocking shocker, Melanie Amaro (well, yeah) will graduate from dancing for an open-shirted Simon Cowell to the live shows; Brian "Astro(nomical Kid" Bradley (woo!), Chris Rene (meh), Marcus Canty (sweet) and Phillip Lomax (whatevs) helped L.A. Reid thin out the guys' category; Leroy Bell (hm), Josh Krajcik (surprisingly OK), Stacy Francis (yep) and Dexter Heygood (POOL JUMP!) will be guided by the sure, buffed hand of Nicole Scherzinger to represent the over-30s, and the Stereo Hogzz (synchronized nods), The Brewer Boys (paydirt!), Intensity (sigh) and Lakoda Rayne (double-sigh) were Paula Abdul's group of groups.

What you just read in a paragraph took two hours for the show to languidly spool out. Isn't this way much more economical? Of course. It's even more economical to read us and find out which of the 16 are any good, which of the other 16 are any good, and which judges proved, for the first time, they were worthy of their jobs. (The order's not what you think.)

For rings, Boyz and Cifers, click NEXT.

For French outfits, kitchens of kvetching and three out of four judges, click NEXT.

For pool jumps, bad karma and the judge who got it right, click NEXT.

For our rundown of the top contestants, the top contestant who isn't one anymore, and the top '90s revival for us, click NEXT.