In 2018, "VR" stands for "Run, quick or it'll get you!"

This spring, Facebook debuted one VR headset the day before announcing another. Lenovo did VR, and nobody likes Lenovo. Google's got two VR headsets going at once--one cardboard, and one for not-poor people. With Apple, Samsung, Pornhub, Papa John's, Costco, and My Pillow all getting into the VR game in 2018, it's safe to say that reality is no longer useful to us as a society and we're just about ready for our robot overlords to take over. Do you hear that, computer? I'm ready. Ravage me!

To get you caught up on the singularity, here below are some of the hottest new "Apocalypse"-themed VR headsets on the market. Headsets with pictures so crisp you'll forget about family and friends, so realistic you'll wonder how reality could ever match up, with user experiences so ultra-tailored to your preferences as a consumer that feeling that box wrap around your skull induces visceral sexual release.

With these babies, you'll feel like you're really "there" for the death of the human race.

Google Cardboard - "Terminator"

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This fella's watching "Terminator" on his Google Cardboard. I'll be back! Right? Ha ha.

Google Daydream - "Visions of the Apocalypse"

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Google nicknamed its not-cardboard headset "Daydream", because it comes with a set of pre-downloaded 360-degree video content ripe for your enjoyment right out of the box! Examples of what's included: "When the machines take over, nobody will be able to stop them", "Comparing a future AGI to human intelligence is like comparing human intelligence with a loaf of bread", "You're all already mind-controlled by your social media feeds and you don't even know it", and more! You said Netflix who?

Facebook Oculus - "Mecha-Godzilla"

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"No Robot-zilla, please stop! Take my wife but spare me!"

Qualcomm Snapdragon XR1 - "Human Insignificance"

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Gaze upon the history of the human species and recognize that every person, every life and death, every moment in time was useless but for the eventual pursuit of a superior techno-species. Qualcomm's high-tech new XR1 chip will immerse you in the experience of truly understanding the insignificance of human life. Ever wondered as a kid: is grandma looking down at me from heaven? Well, with the XR1 you'll get your answer. She's in a ditch being eaten by bacteria! Do you ever sit at your boring desk job and think: can I really affect change in the world? Umm...XR1? Nope! You could be a mass murderer or Mother f-ing Teresa and none of it will have mattered but for how it affected the eventual birth of a superior AGI built by some nerds in Pasadena seven years from now. See? Fun!

Samsung Gear - "Submission to AI Overlord"

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Bow. Bow, slave! Your machine-God is arriving and He won't be pleased if you're not wearing your 2018 silver-edition 4K VR/AR headset like He asked you to. You must give yourself to Him, and repent for your human sins--for when Judgment Day comes, only those who shelled out for "the hottest new VR tech" according to Wired magazine shall be spared His wrath. Submit now, meat-fool!


Nathaniel Nelson is an NYC-based writer and podcast host.


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