For as long as Hollywood has been making movies, they've been making Christmas movies. And some Christmas movies really stink. Here is our definitive (and definitely not subjective) ranking of the worst Christmas movies of all time:
[Update: for those of you wondering why the Star Wars Holiday Special didn't make the list, it was because I had completely repressed from my memory until someone asked why it wasn't on this list. I'd put it at #3.]
11. I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998)
1998's Jonathan Taylor Thomas/Jessica Biel road trip holiday comedy is a typical tale of how American capitalism can sour even the most tumultuous of teen relationships. Even the most willing/childlike suspensions of disbelief can see through the ridiculous scenarios JTT's character encounters. Stealing a one-horse open sleigh from a Christmas parade in Larchmont? Even 9-year-old me was rolling his eyes.
10. It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
I can't STAND It's A Wonderful Life. I can't stand it. James Stewart is great, the film is classic, blah, blah, blah. SO MANY CLICHÉS. And it's been rehashed so many times. When this movie came out it was a critical and commercial flop, not even breaking even at the box office.
9. Die Hard (1988)
Another classic Christmas movie trope: Bruce Willis takes on a bunch of terrorists. Not saying Die Hard is a bad movie per se, but the debate over whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie is. so. freaking. annoying that I don't even care anymore.
8. Four Christmases (2008)
Four Christmases is like what would happen if my little, adorable, blonde ex and I tried to visit all our different/split up families on Christmas Day. While this movie may evoke nostalgia for some kids with divorced parents, Vince Vaughn, sans his sidekick Owen Wilson (yes, Owen Wilson is Vince Vaughn's sidekick, not the other way around) just isn't hitting his marks, even if we do love Reese Witherspoon.
7. Bad Santa 2 (2016)
A 14-years-too-late sequel to 2003's heist comedy Bad Santa that replaces Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham) with TV's new "It" mom, Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks). But Gilmore Girls is back on TV! Why do we need to replace Lauren Graham at all? My dad is gonna be so mad.
Note: I haven't actually seen Bad Santa 2, but I'm mad on principle. Lauren Graham is still hot, there is no need to replace her with Christina Hendricks, who is also hot.
6. Bad Santa (2003)
Bad Santa is a bad Christmas movie. It's about an asshole who dresses up as Santa and makes a dwarf dress up as an elf so they can rob department stores. The film supposedly ends with Billy Bob Thornton's bad Santa learning a lesson, but my guess is that he forgets everything just in time for Bad Santa 2.
5. A Christmas Carol (2009)
Robert Zemeckis' super animated version of this classic Christmas tale starred Jim Carrey as Scrooge AND all three Christmas ghosts. What, they didn't want to give Robbie Coltrane a shot as the Ghost of Christmas Present? Overlaying CGI over terrific actors to this extent is a crime (looking at you, Rogue One Grand Moff Tarkin). After this, Zemeckis abandoned his CGI-based films (see also Polar Express and Beowulf).
4. Fred Claus (2007)
Fred freaking Claus: another Vince-Vaughn-without-Owen-Wilson flop. A tale of Santa's older, less famous, more curmudgeonly brother, who, with encouragement from the less famous brothers of Sly Stallone, Bill Clinton, and Alec Baldwin, learns to not resent his famous brother. Also, how is Santa's older brother less old-looking than Santa?
3. The Family Man (2000)
2000's rehash of It's A Wonderful Life starring my least favorite actor ever, Nic Cage. We ran a poll on Popdust Facebook asking which actor would be worse than Nic Cage in remakes of National Treasure, and the general consensus was "No actor is worse than Nic Cage."
2. Love, Actually (2003)
Love, Actually is
all around a shitty Christmas movie. I'd give you my rundown of it, but for the sake of brevity, I will refer you to this genius article published on Popdust last week. Shoutout to Ariana for using the phrases "horny Betty Draper" and "Ho ho no thanks, you bunch of horndogs." SNL's parody sketch was better than the movie.
1. Rent (2005)
Okay, Rent, we fucking get it. You're edgy and bohemian and you have Rosario Dawson. No, we didn't care when Angel died, and we're amazed that you even came up with a plot. Also, the dude who made Rent didn't even die from AIDS, so we feel like we got cheated. We're just glad "Seasons of Love" didn't get made a Christmas carol like "My Favorite Things" did.
For those that don't think Rent is a Christmas movie: if Die Hard is a Christmas movie, Rent is definitely a Christmas movie. The movie opens on Christmas eve, 1989 and ends on Christmas eve, 1990. In the original musical, there was a song called "Christmas Bells" and they light a Christmas tree on fire!