CULTURE

Pantone Anounces Shockingly Political Choice for Their 2020 "Color of the Year"

No one expected an endorsement of Bernie Sanders... And also, no one else noticed it

Image edited to reflect author's perspective

Pantone and DonkeyHotey

In a stunning revelation, Pantone shed their usual apolitical stance and used their 2020 "Color of the Year" announcement to all-but-explicitly endorse Bernie Sanders' candidacy for president.

Widely known for providing color standardization for graphic design and fashion, Pantone took a risk—in an era when many people deride the politicization of previously non-partisan activities—by announcing "Classic Blue" for 2020. Breaking from traditional, non-partisan colors like 2019's Living Coral, they veered past centrist choices like "Calm Blue," or "Amtrak Blue" to boost the "Classic Blue": a clear nod to the New Deal Democrat approach of Bernie Sanders.



While Pantone didn't mention Bernie Sanders, or any other candidate—or any political issues whatsoever—in their announcement, it's not hard for a politically obsessive weirdo like me to read between the lines and find hidden messages throughout. Allow me to guide you through their sly endorsement of the Senator from Vermont.

Classic Blue, also known as Pantone 19-4052—even this numerical code references the 1940-52 FDR-Truman era of robust social programs and high taxes on the wealthy— is described as "timeless and enduring hue elegant in its simplicity." Pantone further claims that it "highlights our desire for a dependable and stable foundation on which to build as we cross the threshold into a new era." This perfect summation of both the New Deal vision and Bernie Sanders consistent approach to policy over the last four decades encapsulates Pantone's recognition that while Sanders is perceived as "radical" from the perspective of Clintonian neoliberals, he actually represents a return to old school Democratic values that have been systematically stripped out of American politics since the 1970s.


FDR New Deal


Unlike many candidates—and colors—that would have us focus on the suffocating limitations of the status quo, Bernie and Classic Blue both point to "the vast and infinite evening sky [which] encourages us to look beyond the obvious to expand our thinking; challenging us to think more deeply, increase our perspective and open the flow of communication." And while many candidates—and colors—have allowed the shifting winds of public opinion to dictate their positions, we can look to Bernie and Classic Blue for the "constancy and confidence that is expressed by Pantone 19-4052 Classic Blue, a solid and dependable blue hue we can always rely on,"


American Horizon | Bernie Sanders www.youtube.com


In recent decades, we've taken it in stride that even "progressive" politicians will lie to us, make cuts to social programs that people rely on, and maintain America's militaristic approach to foreign policy. Bernie represents a shift from that form of politics, which is why he's gained so much popularity in this era of turmoil. In times like these, according to Pantone, "it is easy to understand why we gravitate to colors that are honest and offer the promise of protection. Non-aggressive and easily relatable, the trusted PANTONE 19-4052 Classic Blue lends itself to relaxed interaction."

In case the message wasn't clear enough, at the unveiling event Pantone provided accompanying sensory experiences to represent the spirit of "Classic Blue" including a "soft velvety texture,"—not unlike a smooth Bernie—and a soundscape that captures "vivid nostalgia." Ahem.


smooth bernie Pictured: Smooth Bernie


With Pantone's endorsement now in the bag for Bernie, expect the other candidates to begin jockeying for the coveted Crayola seal of approval.

CULTURE

Ace Watkins Will Be the First Gamer President

Meet Ace Watkins, the gamer aiming for the Whitehouse.

thehardtimes.net

The 2020 political landscape is bloated with candidates, kind of like Fortnite. But one candidate stands supreme above the rest: Ace Watkins, the man who will be the first gamer president.

Ace Watkins announced his presidential candidacy in early July. Unlike his opponents, whose campaigns hinge on their ability to appeal to wide audiences, Watkins fights staunchly for one of America's most underrepresented minorities––gamers.

Gamer President Campaign Announcement www.youtube.com

Watkins cares about the issues that real gamers care about. If elected president, Watkins will undoubtedly bring about real change––changes like legally clarifying the pronunciation of "GIF."

And finally ensuring that the alphabet properly lines up with gaming tier lists.

Perhaps most importantly, Watkins plans to finally do something about awful, predatory lootboxes in video games.

Or wait, no, this is definitely most important:

Watkins also has the personality for the job. He's humble.

Unlike our current president and a few past ones, too, Americans never need to worry about whether or not Watkins will become embroiled in a sex scandal.

But being a gamer doesn't mean that Watkins doesn't also hold legitimate political positions. He's actually a very forward-thinking guy. For instance, Watkins supports trans rights.

He believes in closing tax loopholes for the billionaire class.

And actually jailing all the criminals on Wall Street.

Watkins won't be soft on North Korea.

He rejects America's deeply ingrained class system.

Watkins won't support the abuse of immigrants by ICE.

And amazingly, Watkins has laid bare his thoughts on the most raging political divide: anime tiddies or anime ass?

Watkins is also totally unafraid of his opponents. Years of gaming have trained him to face his enemies head-on, and Watkins takes that training to heart, striking first and striking hard. He's gone for Trump.

Watkins hasn't let Trump's GOP cronies off the hook either, calling them out for their absurd attempts to blame mass shootings on video games.

Watkins has also come for Democrat candidates in preparation for his own nomination. He's roasted Biden.

He's roasted Bernie.

He roasted all these generic white guys.

And then he really honed in on Delaney.

Like, absolutely destroyed him.

Ace Watkins is indisputably the best candidate of 2020, and we look forward to his inevitable gamer presidency with bated breath. Make America git gud.

CULTURE

Elizabeth Warren Is the Chuck Norris of the Democratic Debates (and Other Twitter Memes)

The middle-aged "Hunger Games" of the 2020 presidential election begin!

The first round of Democratic debates gave us a teaser of the middle-aged Hunger Games that will be the 2020 presidential election.

10 of the 20 candidates gave their best performances of being culturally woke and politically savvy—just kidding, it was a sliding scale of pandering, showboating, 30-second TedTalks, and intermediary Spanish skills. For detailed, politically astute breakdowns of the candidates' platforms and history of public service, look elsewhere: We're here for the memes.

By far, the finest moment to sate the hunger of the Twitter beast is Beto O'Rourke answering his first question in both English and Texas-approved Spanish. When asked if he would support a 70% top corporate tax rate, Beto said in English, "This economy has got to work for everyone, and right now, we know that it isn't. And it's gonna take all of us coming together to make sure that it does." He continued in Spanish, "We need to include every person in the success of this economy."

The two candidates with the privilege of standing next to Beto were Elizabeth Warren and Cory Booker, whose facial expressions spoke the horrors of a thousand languages. Bring on the memes:

Beto O'Rourke Gets Side-Eye for Something Other Than Being Weirdly Hot

Booker laughed at all the attention his side-eye was getting and explained to Anderson Cooper: "I just knew he had laid a gauntlet down. And I was talking a little bit with [Julián] Castro. Both he and I knew, as people who can speak Spanish, that now we were gonna bring it as well."

"When someone starts talking about putting pineapple on pizza"

"When your friend comes back from study abroad #DemDebate"

"When Dad says 'Hola, como estas?' to the waiter at the Mexican restaurant #DemDebate"

Ohio Congressman Tim Ryan Has Been Pulling All-Nighters for This Since 2003 (and No One Noticed)

"I have never seen this person before in my life"

"When you forgot to study for the Spanish test"

Liberal Outlier Jay Inslee Is Just Wildly Happy to Be Here

"Governor, what was it like playing Yondu in Guardians of the Galaxy"

"When it's 10:22 and they get to climate change"

Elizabeth Warren Is the Chuck Norris of the 2020 Candidates

"Elizabeth Warren never arrives at the movie after the previews. She's there before the lights go down with snacks in her purse and an extra ticket for your friend."

"Elizabeth Warren closes all her Chrome tabs and tidies up the files on her desktop. When she asks for tech support, she's already Googled the problem and tried the obvious answers."

"When Elizabeth Warren takes the last cup of coffee, she always brews a fresh pot."

"Elizabeth Warren takes a generous length of toilet paper, folds it neatly, and puts it in the stall that doesn't have any. Then she tells the rest of the women in line because she knows that knowledge is power."

"The one-sentence summary: Sen. Elizabeth Warren won."