Dating Review Whiplr
This week—dating review Wiplr
SLOGAN: Whiplr- a messenger with kinks.
There's now a dating app which is essentially S&M Tinder, and if I'm to be totally forthcoming with you, dear reader, I'm kinda into it.
If you find swiping through Tinder only slightly more exciting than shopping for tube socks, then Creeper, welcome home.
You are among friends.
Users set up a profile, choose their kink, then text, call and video chat within the app, then meet like-minded weirdos in the area.
These options are...weird.
The video chat feature means, among other things, you don't need to give out your number but you can't hide behind the Valencia filter.
Or that picture of you on senior spring break from The University of Arizona.
The app also lets users find S&M-themed events and meetups, which were...interesting.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: 1 out of every 15
BEST PICK UP LINE: "It's not love unless you pay for it." Oh wait, that's a line from Mike Tyson Mysteries on Adult Swim.
WORST PICK UP LINE: "Do you have any facial hair?" Like, besides my beard?
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 7
His Approach/Chat Up Line: ""I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you."
Conversation Skills: Obviously read the book. (or, more likely, saw the movie)
Closing Skills: Alex may be "the dom," but I feel like I could take him.
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
His Approach/Chat Up Line: "Kneel before Shmi." (which doesn't really have the same punch as "Kneel before Zod.")
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Not fucking around.
Closing Skills: PORK CHOP!!!!!!!! (that's my safe word. Phrase. Whatever)
His Approach/Chat Up Line: Look out Kim, Enigma is taking contouring to a whole new level.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: An enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a Twinkie.
Closing Skills: I think I already hooked up with him on the Juggalo site.
HELLS TO THE NO:
His Approach/Chat Up Line: Hey ladies, can I buy you some fish bowls filled with booze?
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Slurs worse than the sluriest slurrer you ever heard slur
Closing Skills: I'm guessing there's some E.D.
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
It turns out that people who are into BDSM like to get together for meet and greets, only they're called Brunch 'n Munches.
Which sounds like something that septuagenarians playing Canasta might attend.
So my S&M curious gal pal Lauren and I loaded into her mom's mini van, which allowed for room in case we hit it off at the Brunch 'n Munch and wanted to submit to an impromptu spanking.
I'm not a sub in the classic sense, in an much as I don't want to be urinated on or forced to shop for Louboutins whilst wearing a butt plug (which was actually proposed to me on this site).
But, I think I can speak for most women when I say we want to be dominated. In bed.
I wanna be spanked, have my hair pulled, sweet obscenities whispered in my ear.
I don't want nipple clamps or a reenactment of that scene in Pulp Fiction, but I wanna know the guy is in charge.
Even my most ardent feminists friends enjoy a good choke out.
So the mini van pulled into the parking lot of Jerry's Deli long about 3 PM Wednesday, and Lauren and I deliberated over who should enter first.
Neither, it was decided, we would simply sneak around to the side and spy through the window.
After that, the next appropriate action would be determined.
“Oh my Gaad," Lauren gasped. “Is that lady wearing a scrunchy?"
I followed her finger, and indeed, the Brunch 'n Munch looked more like an Over-eaters Anonymous meeting in Little Rock than it did a gathering of urbane fetishists.
Still, as an intrepid journalist, I insisted we infiltrate this peculiar and unsightly counter culture.
But Lauren staunchly refused, and so we went in though the front, and split a Matzo ball soup.
Avoid the Brunch 'n Munch, but Whiplr is a good compromise for people who maybe want some tough love, but don't want to be ball gagged.
It's like 24 Shades of Grey.
Also, the matzo ball is excellent, if not a bit salty.
And so my quest for love continues...