Culture News

The 5 Worst Celebrity Responses to Coronavirus

Some of us struggle to survive. Others complain on Instagram.

Gettyimages | Christian Vierig

Sometimes being a celebrity with millions of dollars leads a person to become just a tad out of touch with the rest of humanity.

While millions of Americans struggle to pay rent, afford food, and take care of their children in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, some celebrities have more pressing things to worry about—things like how unfair it is that they can't do whatever they want, and also what even is coronavirus? These are the five worst celebrity responses to coronavirus, ranked:

5. Gal Gadot

For Gal Gadot, six days in self-quarantine got her "feeling a bit philosophical." This manifested in the Wonder Woman star employing the help of her famous pals to put together an all-celebrity cover of John Lennon's Imagine. In fairness to Gal Godot—and unlike the other celebrities on this list—her heart is absolutely in the right place. It's a sweet sentiment, but at the same time, the result is just kind of off-putting. The singing isn't great, but more importantly, why do a group of multi-millionaires need to "imagine" a better world when, if they combined their vast resources, they could actually make a pretty substantial difference? At the very least, a lot of lower-level people in the film industry are currently out of work, and this small group of "dreamers" has hundreds of millions of dollars between them. Maybe they could find a way to help?

4. Jared Leto

Jared Leto is consistently terrible, so posting on Instagram about missing the entire start of the coronavirus pandemic hitting stateside due to a 12-day desert meditation retreat is 100% in-character. Leto's post feels less like a genuine show of concern than a humblebrag about being on a desert retreat and a reminder that he has many friends. How can one man possibly be so awful?

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A post shared by JARED LETO (@jaredleto) on Mar 16, 2020 at 10:26pm PDT

3. Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens had one job during the pandemic, and that was sitting in her mansion and basking in her wealth. Instead, she decided to use her time to make a video seemingly complaining about the massive response to the virus. "Even if everybody gets it, like yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible... but inevitable?" said Hudgens without a single shred of care for older and immunocompromised people who are currently living in fear. At least she apologized afterwards.

2. Amy Poehler, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh

In the comedy world, there are few improv theaters better known than Upright Citizens Brigade. Founded and co-owned by Amy Poehler, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh, UCB has launched the careers of many comedians and comedy writers. While the theater has received flack in the past for not paying their performers, they do employ a number of staff members including teachers, cafe employees, and technicians. Or at least they did before the coronavirus hit, after which they immediately fired nearly everyone. Of course, it's understandable that business need to make cuts, but when one of the owners has 30 million dollars to her name, it's not right to leave already low-paid employees floundering in a crisis.

1. Evangeline Lilly

For whatever reason, Ant-Man and the Wasp actress Evangeline Lilly is currently on a crusade against quarantining herself or her children in the face of COVID-19, because apparently nothing says superhero like helping to speed up a pandemic. So while others worry about their own well-being and care for their communities, Evangeline Lilly sends her probably infected kids to gymnastic camp, and then seems to b*tch about Marshall Law from Tekken, for god knows why.

"Where we are right now feels a lot too close to Marshall Law [sic] for my comfort already, all in the name of a respiratory flu. It's unnerving…Let's be vigilant right now. And kind. Watchful and gracious — keeping a close eye on our leaders, making sure they don't abuse this moment to steal away more freedoms and grab more power."

Major yikes.

Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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CULTURE

"Captain Marvel 2" Is Slated to Trigger Low-Performing Dudes All Over Again

Low-performing men are no longer "the real fans" of comic book movies.

Disney

It's impossible to read anything related to Brie Larson's Captain Marvel without tripping over hives of low-performing Internet men.

You know the ones––the kind of men who genuinely believe they're entitled to debates, who pretend to love facts and logic while simultaneously believing everything they hear on YouTube, who couch their racism and sexism in poorly constructed jokes and then rage about how nobody has a sense of humor anymore when everyone else wants them to go away. They're everywhere, swarming the comment sections of every YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook post even mildly related to the character, whining and crying and soiling their britches. It's almost like these low-performing Internet men have nothing better to do than breathlessly scan social media for mentions of Brie Larson so they can regurgitate something akin to, "REEE BRIE LARSON BAD!"

Thankfully, their furor has died down quite a bit since Captain Marvel's release. They still show up in the Rotten Tomatoes Audience Reviews every now and again to leave thoughtful commentary like, "10yrs of a good job destroyed for PC reasons" with no punctuation, but by and large, they've moved on to actively hating other women elsewhere. But as comic books have taught us time and time again, peace can only last so long for a superhero.

Captain Marvel short hair This image really upsets low-performing dudes.Disney

Now that Captain Marvel 2 is officially in development, one thing is certain: Low-performing Internet dudes are going to get triggered all over again.

Collective triggering of the world's least eligible bachelors can largely be traced back to Brie Larson's speech at the 2018 Crystal + Lucy Awards (an awards show for women in communications and media). There, Larson spoke out against the lack of diversity amongst film reporters and critics, the majority of whom are white and male.

"I don't want to hear what a white man has to say about 'A Wrinkle in Time,' said Larson. "I want to hear what a woman of color, a biracial woman has to say about the film. I want to hear what teenagers think about the film."

Naturally, the suggestion that their opinions didn't matter––"they" being the specific variety of men who would hear a statement like that and get vein-poppingly red about it––triggered these dudes so hard that their moms probably wished they could get postnatal abortions. These men were so angry that they made it their mission to virtually follow Brie Larson around like the lowest-performing heat seeking missiles, screeching their bad takes whenever and wherever they could.

Brie Larson Speech Women In Film 2018 Crystal and Lucy Awards - Show, Beverly Hills, USA - 13 Jun 2018 Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock

Of course, Brie Larson was right to say what she said. White men have been the primary cultural tastemakers throughout the entire history of Western media. It's only recently that fresh, non-white, non-male voices have started to gain major traction on such a global scale.

The biggest problem for a lot of the men who are angry at Brie Larson is that they've spent their entire lives massively overestimating the value of their own opinions. To be clear, even the most entitled, low-performing Internet men are welcome to hold whatever opinions they want on absolutely anything. But many of them, for the first time ever, are being faced with a collective cultural dismissal of the value those opinions hold. In other words, these men are facing the same exact thing that they've been telling underrepresented people since the beginning of time: Nobody actually cares what they think.

And it's true. The opinions of angry Internet men, especially the ones who have a tendency to refer to themselves with phrases like "the real fans," don't matter nearly as much as they used to. Captain Marvel was the 9th highest-grossing movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the 11th highest-grossing superhero movie ever made. Regardless of whether or not these men made good on their words and stayed home from the theaters (if they would have even gone in the first place), Captain Marvel was an objective box office hit.

Captain Marvel 2 Disney

As marketing efforts for Captain Marvel 2 begin to ramp up, so too will the vitriol of low-performing dudes. But at some point, assuming they really do love facts and logic as much as they claim, they'll need to stop denying reality and face the truth. Captain Marvel 2 will be another hit for Marvel because low-performing men are no longer "the real fans" of comic book movies. They're just voices screaming into a void like everyone else, and their box office dollars are insignificant to the brands they once worshipped.

Like it or not, their opinions have already been canceled.