Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week we have Avengers: Endgame. Let's be honest, you don't care about anything else.

WIDE RELEASE:

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame - Official Trailer www.youtube.com


When Marvel released their first Iron Man movie in 2008, nobody could have foreseen how drastically it would shape the future of Hollywood. While "nerdiness" still reeked of negative stigma, earlier comic book adaptations like Sam Raimi's Spider-Man and Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins proved mainstream successes at the box office. But the concept of a "cinematic universe"––a series of interconnected movies where vast numbers of standalone entries contributed to a massive overarching narrative––had never been done before.

Marvel's formula was wildly successful, turning every movie into an "event" that needed to be witnessed in order to partake in the larger narrative. The best entries turned obscure titles into household names ( Guardians of the Galaxy). The worst entries (Thor: The Dark World) were just small bumps on a longer road. All of it promised to culminate in a massive battle between Marvel's greatest heroes and the intergalactic supervillain, Thanos.

Avengers: Endgame is the conclusion of that battle, the result of all 21 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that came beforehand. Today's movie market may be oversaturated with superhero fare, especially considering every other company from DC to Universal wants a cinematic universe of their own, but Avengers: Endgame is different. It's not a copycat. It's the original, the real deal, the biggest movie of the decade.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | “To the End" www.youtube.com

Normally, I try to use my totally unnecessary film degree to inform you, dear reader, about what movies are coming out over the weekend. I painstakingly comb through trailers on YouTube to bring you the very best viewing recommendations. That means Chinese-language dramas, Bollywood farces, documentaries, and, of course, spooky boys. But this week I got nothing for you. Nobody wants to release their movie the same weekend as Avengers: Endgame. You're either seeing it or you're staying home.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | “Found" TV Spot www.youtube.com


At this point, I'm just attaching random trailers for Avengers: Endgame in order to hit my minimum word count. Is this the one where Hawkeye shoots an arrow? Or the one with a closeup of Nebula looking angry? I don't even know anymore. I attached them randomly, and to be honest, they're all kind of the same. But are you hyped? I'm hyped. All your favorite Avengers are gonna be there––Thor, Spider-Man, Aquaman, Ms. Marvel, Hulk. Maybe Loki will be there too.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | "No Mistakes, Kids" TV Spot www.youtube.com

I have a confession to make. For a long time, I was really gung-ho about attending every Marvel movie premiere. I midnight screened with the best of them, believe me. I still have those stupid Hulk IMAX 3D glasses that were only given out during the first screening of The Avengers. But I'm just burnt out on superhero movies now. So here's the truth. I didn't see Ant-Man and the Wasp. There, I said it. I'm a giant fraud, and I'll be watching Endgame this weekend with only 21/22 pieces of the necessary information.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | “Awesome" TV Spot www.youtube.com


I don't know if I have enough time to see Ant-Man and the Wasp before Endgame. I really messed up, okay, I admit that. I should have seen it when I had the chance and now it's too late. IT'S TOO LATE. I have a doctor's appointment tonight, so unless I take off work on Friday and watch it in the morning, I literally don't have time. What are the chances that the events in Ant-Man and the Wasp will heavily factor into Thanos's affairs? Does Thanos even care about Ant-Man? Thanos is a space titan with the power to bend time and space, and Ant-Man is just Paul Rudd in a dumb suit. Ant-Man is a pretty lame hero, honestly.

Frankly, I'm freaking out here. I'm at my wit's end. I know, I KNOW Ant-Man and the Wasp probably doesn't matter, but what if it does? What if End Game's climactic scene involves Thanos killing all the other Avengers and then Ant-Man and the Wasp get really small and beat him up and Ant-Man says, "Hey, Thanos, remember (insert reference to events of Ant-Man and the Wasp)?" and I don't understand it because sorry, I had other plans when my friends wanted to go see it?

I tried to read the Ant-Man and the Wasp summary on Wikipedia but it was super boring and I couldn't make it through. So if you're reading this and want to help, PLEASE SEND ME YOUR BEST ORIGINAL ANT-MAN AND THE WASP SUMMARY. Send it to info@popdust.com RE: ANT-MAN AND THE WASP SUMMARY. I will straight up publish it on our site and give you full credit, and you will be a published author please help.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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"Avengers: Endgame" Trailer Says Impressively Little for Being So Cool

We knew there had to be a way to undo Thanos' temper tantrum, but we didn't know there'd be such sick hair cuts and outfit changes.

Guiding Tech

Even if you swore off all Avengers films after the disappointment of the first Thor (2011) movie, all you need to do to catch up with the highest-grossing franchise of all time is watch the new Avengers: Endgame trailer.

Within its two-and-a-half minutes, about half the footage recaps the ending of Avengers: Infinity War, when the all-powerful Thanos did the bitchiest snap of all time and disintegrated half of the universe's population (including half of our heroes) into brown, flaky dust.

But the thing about the Marvel Universe is that our heroes go off on so many separate adventures within the same timeline that we already know there's a way to undo the epic Bitch Snap™. Peter Parker can't be dead when he's going to be battling Jake Gyllenhaal in a Spider-Man sequel coming out later this year, and confirmation of Guardians of the Galaxy 3 teases Peter "Star-Lord" Quill will eventually be returning, as well.

With that being said, elaborate fan theories are nothing compared to official glimpses, and while the perished Avengers aren't included in the Endgame trailer, the new clips we get to see are increasingly loaded. Black Widow and Captain America share dramatic looks and vow never to move on, Hawkeye teaches his kid how to be deadly with a bow and arrow before getting his hair cut into an upsetting mohawk, and all the surviving Avengers show off their sick new spacesuits as they slow-motion walk towards the next crazy scheme to save the universe.

Oh, Captain Marvel's in this, too. Thor seems to like her.

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame - Official Trailer www.youtube.com


Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.


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