Kids these days are up to a lot of things.

Saving the planet, running businesses, starting social movements... It's fair that we'd all be concerned for their well-being. Fortunately, the Internet has come through with a handful of codes and cheat sheets that you can use to decipher what your child is really getting up to online.


Astrology

BTS

(Timothée) Chalamet

Decolonization

(Edgar Allan) Poe

Financial Crisis (2008)

Guinea Pigs

Hamlet

Intersectional Feminism

Julio-Claudians

Kingdom Hearts

Love, Simon

Molecular Biology

Naruto

Oklahoma

Pop-Punk

The Q'uran

Radical Liberalism

Stew

Tide Pods

Unions

(Two Gentlemen of) Verona

Writing

X Factor Auditions


(The New York) Yankees

Z


The truth is that these memes are more about Boomers and Gen X'ers than they do about kids these days. We all know that older generations spend more time than anyone leaving angry comments on Facebook pages, and they're the ones who worry relentlessly about the Internet when maybe they should have been worrying about climate change or gun violence. But hey, as long as your kid isn't texting about communism, everything's going to be just fine.

Now, please, let's all get off the Internet.

Culture Feature

Raymond the Smug Cat and the Dark Underbelly of "Animal Crossing"

Raymond's popularity sheds light on a bizarre underside of the Animal Crossing fandom.

Nintendo

Raymond is a smug cat who highlights his heterochromatic eyes with hipster glasses.

He is essentially the same exact character as every other Animal Crossing villager with a "Smug" personality type, but again, and this is very important, Raymond is a cat with heterochromatic eyes and hipster glasses. As such, he has completely broken the Animal Crossing community.

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FILM

Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend of March 29

Go to the movies, don't be a Dumbo.

Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week we have more live-action Disney and also Matthew McConaughey's bare ass.

WIDE RELEASE:

Dumbo

Dumbo Official Trailer www.youtube.com

Tim Burton's take on Disney's 1941 animated classic, Dumbo, looks...fine. Tim Burton's visual flair is certainly apparent, but that hasn't been enough to make his last few movies particularly interesting. There's some serious talent in the cast (Michael Keaton and Danny DeVito), but it's worrying that the trailer focuses on two generic, wide-eyed youths spewing schlock lines like, "You can do it, Dumbo!" I'm sure it's fine. Everything is fine. The world isn't on fire. Enjoy your live-action Disney reboot.

LIMITED RELEASE:

The Beach Bum

THE BEACH BUM Trailer # 2 (NEW 2018) Zac Efron, Matthew McConaughey Movie HD www.youtube.com

Matthew McConaughey plays Moondog, a prolific weed-smoker and sometimes poet who spends his days having sex and doing drugs in Florida. It's written and directed by Harmony Korine (Spring Breakers), so whether or not you enjoy The Beach Bum will probably come down to a few different factors. First, do you like Korine's distinct, hyper-colorful aesthetics and meandering plot lines usually full of unlikeable characters? Second, do you like Matthew McConaughey going all-out and showing his butt? And most importantly, are you very high?

A Vigilante

A VIGILANTE Official Trailer (2019) Olivia Wilde, Thriller Movie HD www.youtube.com

A Vigilante follows Olivia Wilde in the role of a former domestic abuse victim-turned-vigilante who kills domestic abusers. But rather than dwelling on the violence, like most similarly conceived movies do, A Vigilante seems to focus more on the pain and darkness of Olivia Wilde's character. Wilde's performance is supposedly a real standout here, so if you're looking for a gritty, potentially upsetting denouncement of abusers this weekend, check this one out.

Screwball

Screwball - Official Trailer www.youtube.com

Screwball is a documentary about baseball. If you think that sounds boring, I did too until I watched the trailer. Damn, that's an entertaining trailer. Director Billy Corben (Cocaine Cowboys) recounts Major League Baseball's most notorious doping scandal in 2013, wrapping in star players like Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez. Many of the illegal activities seem to be rehashed by child actors dressed as adults, which sounds incredibly stupid but looks funny. If you have even a modicum of interest in sports or true crime, be sure to put this on your list.

Diane

Diane - Official Trailer I HD I IFC Films www.youtube.com

Diane is an aging boomer who dedicates her time to helping others, thinking about her friends and trying to bond with her drug-addicted son (yes, that's Pete from The Office). But she's got some personal demons of her own to confront too, and she's not getting any younger. It's hard to tell exactly what the movie is about from the trailer, but it currently boasts a perfect 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, so if you're looking for a serious drama this weekend, keep it in mind.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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