CULTURE

This Week in Internet Hell: A Bear, a Bunny, and a Bird (Also, Thanos)

The Easter Bunny is a criminal, and there’s still no joy in Idaho.

Venus via WeHeartI

Happy belated Easter! Did you hear that the Easter Bunny was arrested in Florida? Or that you can now stay in a giant potato in Idaho, because how else would you experience joy in Idaho? Also, Thanos is back. Welcome to this week in Internet Hell.

1. Thanos Is Google. Google is Thanos.

The release of Avengers: Endgame may have flooded Twitter with spoilers and broken box office records, but mostly it's real. I mean Thanos is real. Sure, Google is working a cool, kitschy marketing ploy here, but also it's a warning. Guys, he's coming.

2. 11% of the World's Population Lives on $2/DayBut Others Pay $200/Night to Sleep in a Potato Airbnb

With “hash browns for cushions, fries as shelves, and a giant bowl of fluffy mash to snuggle into at night," the cost of spending one night in the Big Idaho Potato Hotel is the same as sponsoring a child's education for six months. Also, where are the windows? How is this safe?

Popdust internet hell This Is Insider


This Is Insider


3. Killer Pets Deserve Homes, Too

Some pets murder their owners and are put to death. But, like humans, if you are too pretty to die, then you can murder whomever you'd like and probably get away with it.

4. The Easter Bunny Got Arrested—in Florida

Antoine McDonald dressed up as the Easter Bunny “for laughs," but then he saw a man in a parking lot spit at a woman, so he intervened. The unidentified man became aggressive, and so McDonald, who told WKMG that he's the type of person "to avoid fights," began punching the man until police arrived. He did it all in a bunny costume, guys—somewhere in Florida, a man has bruises from the Easter Bunny.

5. Anti-Vaccers Held a Rally and They Used a Grizzly Bear to Prove Their Point

Yes. This (sort of) occurred this past week. Gizmodo published, “This Was Supposed to Be a Story About a Bizarre Anti-Vaccine Rally and a Sedated Bear. Then It Got Weird." It got weird after you heard about the bear? How? When? Why? And how bloody were the inevitable injuries that ensued? I won't spoil it for you. Here is an excerpt of the organizers' proposed plans for the rally:

Gizmodo



Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.


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CULTURE

This Week in Internet Hell: Clueless Men Pretend to Be in Charge and Jason Momoa Might Kill Us All

Aquaman's clean-shaven face could murder us all with its unbearable beauty before climate change does by 2050.

Screen Rant

The Mueller Report is out. AQUAMAN SHAVED HIS BEARD. Please adopt this adorable succubus. AQUAMAN SHAVED HIS BEARD. Not all Florida cops are real. AQUAMAN SHAVED HIS BEARD.

1. Clueless Man Pretends to Be in Charge

Matthew Joseph Erris, from Pasco County, Florida, just wanted to be a police officer. Maybe he'd been dreaming of it since he was a little boy. Maybe that's why he put a police light bar on top of his Chevy Trailblazer, along with red and blue lights on its grill. Maybe that's why he flashed his fake police lights on Tuesday night and signaled the car in front of him to pull over; maybe he just believed in himself.

Unfortunately, as WFLA reported, he pulled over a real police officer, who was undercover when Erris stopped him. After reporting Erris and searching his car, the cop found found a "realistic looking" airsoft pistol in a holster. Impersonating an officer can result in up to five years in jail, but while Erris waits for his sentencing, at least he got to live his dream for a day.

"FLORIDA MAN PRETENDS TO BE A COP, PULLS OVER ACTUAL COP, GETS ARRESTED"

popdust internet hell florida man Newsweek

2. (A Different) Clueless Man Pretends to Be in Charge

If you want to understand the true, investigative essence of Robert Mueller's report on Donald Trump's alleged collusion, obstructions of justice, and most vicious firings on The Apprentice, turn to the art form of the meme. Twitter has graciously translated the most salient points of the 400-page report, which is mostly comprised of color-coded redactions. But that's fine; memes already proved we're living in a post-word society. The truth lies between the lines:

3. Jason Momoa's Jawline Can Save the Planet

Prior to this week, the Aquaman actor hadn't shaved since 2012. He finally unleashed the divine light that is his bare face in order to "bring awareness" to the environmental damage caused by plastic bottles and promote a new line of "infinitely recyclable" aluminum cans. It's pro-active and honorable, but since he's even more handsome now, he could murder us all with his looks long before climate change does by 2050.

4. Craigslist Missed Connections

Throughout the politically-charged week, everyone was craving a little love. As for SJ (a.k.a. "boot girl"), she's just "Searching for: Boot Boy," and she's not letting a little limp slow her down. Also, have you Googled "twin flames" lately? It's a stupid idea; we believe it whole-heartedly.

Craigslist

5. eBay Has a Succubus for Sale

For only $49.99, you can purchase this "HAUNTED RING: SEXUAL SUCCUBUS! DOMINATE YOUR PERSONAL DEMON LOVER! INTENSE! " from the trusted seller mysticmagicks. With 98.9% positive feedback, Laci is a proud mother, wife, and practitioner of "the art of Magick." More importantly, she uses her powers for good, using eBay to "re-home" many of her "spirit children," which are "very dear" to her. Be careful with this ring, however, for it holds great orgasmic power.

eBay

eBay

internet hell ebay haunted ring succubus eBay


Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.


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Red-Headed Boy Sues Parents For Being Born A Ginger

A 13-year-old sued his parents for being born a redhead...true or false?

Sometimes a story comes along that just can't be real, right? Or is it?

Well this is one of them...

According to World News Daily Report, A redheaded child is suing his parents for $2 million for being ginger.

But, is it true?

The story goes:

It ain't easy being green… or red apparently.

At least according to Liam Murphy, a 13-year-old boy who is suing his parents for $2 million for being born a ginger in a "Wrongful Life" lawsuit.

While many a redhead is bullied and made fun of, hair color isn't exactly "chosen" by the parents, kid. Don't they teach science in junior high?

Sure, the parents are both redheads too, but if they were satisfied enough with their strawberry topped lives to bring a new one into the world, can't this freckle-faced teen learn something from them?

But no, the teen says they planted a "voluntary prejudice" on him with the very probable chance that his life would be a shear misery thanks to his carrot topped cranium.

For his recessive burden, the kid is asking for $1.35 million in "pain and suffering" and $800,000 on top of that for his "loss of enjoyment of life."

At just 13, this kid must be a real punching bag for his classmates. Perhaps he can run to the drug store with his allowance and grab a box of brunette hair dye and go about living among the other humans.

His lawyer, James Franklin O'Conner (a ginger too, maybe?), is confident about winning the case citing scientific data about the real social troubles redheads must deal with on a constant basis. Rejection, name calling, and the like were all things Murphy's parents "knew" would happen, but they procreated anyway.

The thing is, the parents don't even have this kind of money, even if Murphy wins the case. Dad is an electrician and mom is… wait for it… a hairdresser! A ginger hairdresser – and clients actually allow her to style their dos without the fear of "cooties" or cross-genetic contamination.

So.... is it true or fake?

C'mon now!

As Snopes points out, this story is faker than Kendall Jenner's lips.

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rikers island dance lessons—dance lessons are about to be the next big thing for the female inmates to dabble while they "do time"

When you think of a hardened criminal being justifiably locked up at Rikers Island a few things may come to mind.

Steel bars, sh!tty food, nasty cell mates, and all sorts of other non-pleasantries.

Well, that's all about to change, thanks to the city Correction Department's new literal "twist" of plans.

As per a recent report in The New York Post, dance lessons are about to be the next big thing for the female inmates to dabble while they "do time."

The department believes that dancing will "positively release tension, stress and anxiety" in jail.

Sorry, what about the people they stabbed, shot, burgled, and hit with their cars?

An advertisement seeking dance instructors was even posted to Idealist seeking teachers who can boogie down with the gals in the styles of hip-hop, samba, salsa, and more!

About 650 females are locked up at Rikers, so this would be one hell of a dance party.

Do they even get special garb to wear on "club night?"

Jazz hands in handcuffs must be tricky.

Naturally, lots of people think this idea is bananas and a huge waste of tax payers' hard-earned money.

Council members and Assembly members think there are much larger issues to tend to than worrying about the "tension" of prisoners.

Perhaps time to think about the bad things they've done for the next 15-20 could help them focus.

Others though think this is a good way to get these ladies to be more productive and gives them an outlet to use their bodies and minds, rather than fighting with other inmates.

Although, one wrong dip or a step on the toes can cause an all-out brawl.

There are no plans for the fellas to get dance classes.

Jail officials said males dancing with each other wouldn't work.

Sexist, maybe, but have you seen Magic Mike?

Jailhouse Rock just became reality.

Dancing With the Stars – Big House edition is coming to a TV near you!

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Pot laced tampons—Marijuana users and innovators came up with a way to really "stick it" to your period—weed-infused tampons! Like Tampax to the max...

Pot laced tampons are here to relieve period pain... for just $44 a box.

For any woman who has suffered miserably through mind-numbing menstrual cramps, it's agreed upon that no OTC tablet or hot-water compress could even come close to relieving the throbbing pain and resulting horrid mood of that dreaded monthly visit from "Aunt Flo."

Indeed, womanhood is remarkable - the majority of us have the ability to grow another life inside of us, bear children, and feed them – but this comes at what many would consider to be an inconvenient price.

The bloody hell which since our pre-teen years has ruined many a pair of nice panties, had us cancelling plans, and worst of all, leaving us balled up in the fetal position in bed praying the crushing cramps would go 'F' themselves.

But periods are here, period.

So marijuana users and innovators came up with a way to really "stick it" to your period… weed-infused tampons!

Like Tampax to the max.

Fiora, a company with a fix for females on the brain, came up with "cannabis vaginal suppositories" which are said to relieve period pain for gals with an axe to grind with Mother Nature.

The pot-laced blood absorbers are said to contain THC and CBD – the main active cannabinoid compounds found in marijuana.

These handy hot-to-pot elements relieve pain, relax nerves and muscles, and give that "feel good" sensation thanks to the chemicals released to the brain. This ain't your grandparents' way of getting stoned.

But there's a catch; not everyone will be able to get or use the Snoop Doggy Dog version of tampons easily.

First and foremost, you must join Fiora's collective, and based on the state you reside in, you may need to submit an application plus a doctor's note.

Hopefully, Dr. Feelgood is your OB-GYN and you've hit the pot lottery.

What's more is the expense of these pot pops.

A box of just four will set you back $44!

You may just be better off buying a box of generic tampons at your local drug store and hitting up your dealer on the way home.

For the sake of your savings account, naturally.

In any event, it's refreshing to know that there are folks out there who care about what we women must endure month after month and are willing to raise the bar (high) to help us feel like ourselves.

All the other remedies will go to pot if this craze catches on.

Till then, we'll forgo the baby powder and dust our maxi-pads with cocaine.

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