American Horror Story is gearing up for its 10th season, and Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Finn Wittrock, Lily Rabe, and Kathy Bates are signed up to return. So is Macaulay Culkin, and that fact alone is the only reason that I might actually watch the show.

Don't get me wrong: I loved AHS when it first came out. Murder House disturbed me more than most horror flicks ever have, and Asylum and Coven were both wonderously twisted and genuinely well-written. But somewhere along the way, things started getting formulaic. The excess of violence felt less purposeful and more like empty gore. The campiness felt less resonant, the characters less sympathetic. By Hotel, I was done.

I never thought I'd return to American Horror Story. I did binge-watch Roanoke during a rather low period in college, but watching that miserable show actually might qualify as self-harm more than anything else. I stumbled on someone watching an episode of 1984 while home for the weekend and felt my insides shriveling up like the baby corpses in the basement of the murder house.

Then, AHS announced that Macaulay Culkin is joining the cast this season. They haven't yet announced the series' title, but I am sincerely hoping that we'll be graced with American Horror Story: Macaulay Culkin, starring Macaulay Culkin as himself.

That might be the only hope the series has left. Culkin could star as a haunted, washed-up former child actor who continues to relive the traumas of his notorious near-death experiences during the filming of Home Alone. The whole thing could be a commentary on childhood and memory and the thin lines between commodity and tragedy. It could be about the commodification of violence in Hollywood and mostly just about Macaulay Culkin, waking up screaming in the night as he hears yet another killer trying to break into his home.

Most likely, AHS's 10th season will be called something like "AHS: Martians," "AHS: Zombies" or "AHS: Beach House." I may also be converted by a show called "AHS: Climate Change," but that might be too real.

You can watch the ominous and admittedly aesthetically pleasing first glimpse below, via Ryan Murphy's Instagram account:

Despite all the headlines that have spread rumors about him over the years, Culkin actually seems to be doing quite well. He's dating Brenda Song, and he has a satire website called Bunny Ears, a podcast with 100+ episode, and two cats named Apple and Dude. He was once in a pizza-themed comedy band and his legal name is "Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin." And now we'll get to see him embroiled in at least a few brutal murders.

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Meghan Markle Reflects on Police Brutality in Commencement Speech: "George Floyd's Life Mattered"

The Duchess of Sussex gave a virtual speech to the graduating class of her alma mater, Immaculate Heart High School.

Meghan Markle gave a virtual commencement speech for the 2020 graduating class of Immaculate Heart High School, giving further evidence that she is arguably the coolest living royal.

The Duchess of Sussex opened her speech candidly to her alma mater, citing the devastation she felt surrounding recent events. "The only wrong thing to say is to say nothing," she said. "George Floyd's life mattered and Breonna Taylor's life mattered and Philando Castile's life mattered and Tamir Rice's life mattered."

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TV

The "Lizzie McGuire" Revival Is Getting Closer, but Where's Miranda?

Will she rejoin the cast after her long absence, or will the show go on without her?

Lizzie McGuire, the classic Disney Channel series starring Hillary Duff, is officially being given new life on the Disney+ streaming service, to the delight of nostalgic fans.

More than 15 years after the original show's run, pictures of Duff reuniting with co-star Adam Lamberg—AKA Gordo—have sparked excitement across the internet, but the fanfare has tended to overlook one critical question. Where is Miranda?

In the core series, you would not find Lizzie and Gordo hanging out at The Digital Bean without the third member of their group, Miranda Sanchez. That is, up until the last six episodes, from which she was entirely missing. Miranda's sudden absence was attributed to an indefinite family trip to Mexico; but in reality, Lalaine Vergara-Paras, who portrayed Miranda, was doing other work for Disney—touring with Radio Disney and shooting the Disney Channel movie You Wish! in New Zealand. Her absence extended to the 2003 Lizzie McGuire Movie, but will she still be missing for this long-awaited revival?

miranda annoyed

The answer is....unclear. She has previously expressed interest in the concept of a reunion show, but she hasn't yet been confirmed for the Disney+ project. Does her fraught legal past factor into Disney's plans for the show?

Like so many child stars before her, Lalaine's early fame and success led to some bad decisions in what she now refers to as her "dark years," culminating in a conviction for possession of methamphetamine in 2007. She and Hilary Duff lost touch during this time, leaving behind their real life friendship. Is that estrangement to blame for the fact that Miranda is still missing, or is Disney just protecting their brand? This is hardly the first time their squeaky-clean image has come into conflict with one of their star's personal lives—they are, after all, in the business of making child-stars—but with a reunion show starring the original cast now in their 30s, concerns about presenting good role models seem like a bit of a stretch.

Another possibility is that Vergara-Paras' recent comments about whitewashing in Hollywood were not well-received at Disney. When she wrote this April that throughout her childhood she was "forced to look as 'white' as possible," it was hard not to see that as a criticism of Disney, where she worked from a young age under the mononym Lalaine—having dropped Vergara-Paras as "too ethnic." If this was perceived as an accusation of misconduct, it may have ruffled some old white feathers at Disney.

Then again, all this scandalous speculation is overlooking a more innocent possibility. Maybe Hilary Duff and Disney are just teasing us. As recently as October, Vergara-Paras was sharing screenshots of texts from co-star Adam Lamberg. It's entirely possible that she is already signed on and getting ready to reprise her role, but we won't find out until they want us to know. If they think they can get some more press by spreading out their news and their cast reunion photos as they ramp up for the new show, then they will use our nostalgia against us and keep adding drips and drops of news until all of pop culture is consumed by the wild speculation of Lizzie McGuire fandom.

Will Clayton Snyder be spotted next week wearing Ethan Craft's signature surfer necklaces? Are Matt and Lanny going to perform "Long Tall Sally" at the Grammys? Are we doomed to get one step closer each and every day? Curse you, Disney! You have used me in your nefarious plots for the last time!