Original: James Jean - Fable #74

If you've watched BoJack Horseman, read recent Archie comics, or been rejected by someone who says they like you but your genitals gross them out, then you're familiar with asexuality⁠—but probably not as familiar as you think.

A 2019 poll found that 76% of those surveyed weren't able to accurately define asexuality, despite 53% of respondents asserting that they could.

And that's fine. I can barely do it after years of research, and according to modern definitions I'm a full-fledged "heteroromantic" "asexual," which, according to Dr. Google, places me among an estimated 1% of the population who are incapable of feeling sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of gender or sex. Or, as Stefani Goerlich explains in sex-therapist-speak, "Whereas heterosexuals are sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, and homosexuals are attracted to folks of the same sex, asexuals are [sexually] attracted to nobody."

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MUSIC

Post Malone Drops New Crocs: Succumb to the Darkness

"Reality itself is too obvious to be true."

In the waking capitalist nightmare that is 2019 America, the absurdity of the daily news cycle has no limits.

Very little even breaks through the average person's carefully constructed mental barriers anymore. Possible nuclear war with North Korea? Whatever. Trump shutting down the government? Yawn. High ranking government officials going to jail for collusion with Russia? Just another Wednesday in the land of the free.

But every now and then, something comes along that crashes into our collective conscience, rearranges our cultural identity, and shocks the nation to its core. Post Malone, a human croc, has come out with an updated version of the iconic rubber clog. The original Post Malone crocs were bright yellow, covered in a barbed wire design, and come with six Jibbitz, including a saw blade, snake, and PM-2 logo. They retail for $59.99, coincidentally, $1.99 more than it costs to send a girl in Syria or Nigeria to school for a full year. And, they sold out in minutes. Twice.

The newest Post Malone croc is a little bit different, with a black and blue exterior and velcro strap fastening, clearly an answer to the question: "Can we make crocs uglier?"

To add to the absurdity, the rapper gave away pairs of the new crocs at the Chicken Express in Southlake, Texas before the official December 10th release date. According to News Week, "Fans who visited the restaurant, where Malone used to work, ordered 'The Posty Special,' which came with chicken, fries and a pair of Crocs." Terence Reilly, Crocs Senior Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer, said in a press release: "After three collaborations—all selling out in minutes —we heard our fans' demands for more and I'm pleased that this will be our biggest drop ever. We're excited to give them another opportunity to own these limited-edition Post Malone x Crocs that are no doubt going to make waves around the planet."

We've analyzed post-Post Malone America before, but now more than ever, it's clear that as a country, as a world, we're standing at a crossroads. Do we lean in? Do we accept the inevitability of death and parade around in footwear that looks like someone skinned a minion and made a shoe out of its hide or like a military issued mistake? Or do we fight back, refusing to succumb to the nihilism beating down our proverbial door and insist on wearing sensible sneakers like god intended?

I think, in our hearts, we all know the answer: the popularity of Post Malone crocs prove that it's simply too late. All that's left to do is embrace all that we've become. Don your Post Malone crocs and Kylie Jenner lip kit and sink into the soft bed of apocalypse. Let the ice caps melt, bathe in the tears of the polar bears, breathe deeply the greenhouse gases, and abandon yourself to the rising chaos. Raise your voice, raise it to the heavens, and sing at the top of your lungs, " Ayy, I've been f*ckin' hoes and poppin' pillies/ Man, I feel just like a CROCstar"

Please enjoy the following list of other products we're interested in seeing carry on the Post Malone brand:

Post Malone yoni egg (fake gold and textured)

Post Malone-flavored Pedialyte (tastes like Olive Garden croutons)

Post Malone hair net, made of barbed wire

Post Malone Chia Pet

Artistic credit to the radiant Rebecca Linde


Post Malone post office (we didn't feel like we had a choice here)

Fu*k it...Post Malone Furbie

Post Mate Malone (only delivers PBR and half smoked cigarettes)

Post Malone Dishwasher, but you can only put clothes in it

Post Malone Washing Machine, but you can only but dishes in it

Post Malone fence post (we're honestly so sorry)

"If we believe in nothing, if nothing has any meaning and if we can affirm no values whatsoever, then everything is possible and nothing has any importance."


Albert Camus


Arts

Crocs! The Musical is a Comfortable Fit

It's Bringing the Laughs at the New York Theatre Festival

It's an off-hand premise, such as might be the title of a MAD TV sketch: a musical about Crocs...

And that is exactly what it is. Kelly Flatley and Maddie Powell's debut musical, part of the New York Theatre Festival, performed at the Hudson Guild, is a musical romantic comedy about two young people obsessed with a particularly unfashionable (yet fashionable) brand of breathable sandal. These shoes form the basis for their whole personality, and fill their lives with the only meaning they need or want. When the tyrannical business oligarch who owns the franchise decides to close the store where their beloved quarry is peddled, they assemble a ragtag team of misfits to fight the power. They experience tragedy, family, and love as they go through their misadventures in comfortable footwear.

Crocs!

This show is exactly what you expect it to be based on the flyer. It has cute songs, fun gags, broad silly characters, and it wraps up just before it outstays its welcome. Throw in a few fourth wall breaks and hints of meta-humor for flavor, and there you have it, ready to go and neatly packaged. There's no reinvention of the wheel, no breaking of new ground, but everything on display is fun and enjoyable. Though it's self-aware, it's not quite self-aware enough to be deconstructive. Though it's at times cynical, it's not cynical enough to be a commentary on anything. Whilst it's surprising to its audience, it never seeks to challenge them either. It simply is what it is, which is a fun, unpretentious show that makes you smile and then ends.

As a debut effort by a group of talented young people (the show was written as a high school class assignment and then developed further) it's a promising first showing. Flatley's music and lyrics are catchy and fun. Powell's book has a solid gags-per-minute rate. The cast are all game, and appropriately bombastic in the archetypal roles, and all of this comes together neatly into a cohesive show that, like a good stand-up comic, comes up to its spot, tells its jokes, and leaves the audience feeling good.

All of the people involved are going to continue upwards on to bigger things. Which is why the show can be forgiven for its technical shortcomings. Head-mics are inconsistently taped, the musical wiring varies between adequate and borderline negligent, and the set is, pretty literally, thin on the ground. The cast make up for it by being plucky, charismatic, and endlessly entertaining, but it does make you wonder how much more these people would be able to do with a stronger technical support system around them. One day, probably quite soon, they will have that, and that's a show you definitely won't want to miss.

Crocs!

Overall, Crocs! The Musical recommends itself as a simple, straightforward comedy, about simple, straightforward shoes, featuring simple, straightforward characters. You will not leave this show with your world rocked, but you will leave it with a smile on your face. Moreover, you will leave wanting to keep an eye on the names involved in this, because at the very least they're going to stick around and make theatre. At the very most… who knows?

Check out the New York Theatre Festival!

Thomas Burns Scully is a Popdust contributor, and also an award-winning actor, playwright, and musician. In his spare time he writes and designs escape rooms. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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