TV

"Game of Thrones" Characters As Types of Boyfriends

Even more annoyingly, whenever you try to get anything going in the bedroom, he placidly says things like, "I don't really...want anymore..."

Game of Thrones - Season 8 Official Trailer

via YouTube.com

Game of Thrones has ended at last.

It's consumed our lives and consciousness for the last decade, and consequently, none of us have had the time or the social skills to have sex or engage in romantic relationships in any way—we were in our pajamas watching beautiful people play pretend instead!!! Now that your life has a gaping, GOT shaped void, perhaps it's time to put yourself out there and look for real life, human relationships. To make the transition easier, we've created a dating template for you and decided what type of boyfriend every Game of Thrones man would be—beware, the world is full of Jaimes.

Jon Snow—The "Brooding" Boyfriend

Jon Snow - King FireManvia Youtube.com

Jon Snow is truly the quintessential sad boy. His tendencies to furrow his brow, talk in a simulated Batman voice, and let his eyes fill with tears just enough that he looks like a romance novel cover but not so much that anyone would dare accuse him of femininity all scream sad boy boyfriend. Jon is that guy in the Warby Parker glasses you meet in an indie bookstore and agree to go on a date with because you find him handsome in a gentle, thoughtful, I-came-back-from-the-dead-once kind of way. Unfortunately, you soon find out his glasses aren't even prescription, the only book he's ever read all the way through (and constantly references) is On the Road by Jack Kerouac, and he's "just not really into" giving oral sex.


Jaime Lannister—The "Fuccboi" Boyfriend

Jamie Lannister - Zurik 23Mvia Youtube.com

You see him on Tinder and immediately spend 45 minutes stalking his Instagram (wow, he seems SO close with his twin sister—that's such a good sign!), hoping he matches with you. When he ultimately invites you out to a trendy cocktail bar (that he casually mentions his dad owns), you find out his jawline is somehow even better in person. Sure, he seems to be muttering someone else's name during sex (Sissy? Mercy? Lucy?), but I mean he is SO handsome. Like...SO HANDSOME.

Tormund Giantsbane — The "Rough Around the Edges" Boyfriend

Tormund Giantsbane - Giantsbane Productionvia Youtube.com

He's constantly picking you up in his arms and making you feel small and dainty. His Good Will Hunting accent is so sexy, and you love a man who can pull off a beard. Sure, he tends to get drunk and throw axes at stuff, but even that is kind of hot! You get tired of how rowdy he gets with his friends and the super off-color anecdotes he sometimes tells, but, my god, he looks good in a flannel.

Tyrion Lannister—The "Life of the Party" Boyfriend

Tyrion Lannister - Supercut Actionvia Youtube.com

You meet him at a party and he's charming and funny. Sure, usually you're into taller guys, but you love the feeling of being with the person who has the whole room laughing. You don't even mind that on your first date he gets smashed and talks over you the whole time (that story about killing his dad with a crossbow was a joke, right?). Besides, not that you really care, but it's nice to be with a guy with resources. You never have to worry about him fulfilling your Venmo requests or splitting Ubers with you since he's constantly saying, "A Lannister always pays his debts." After a while, though, the drinking and whoring become a bit of a problem, and it's clear that he prefers talking in clever metaphors to hearing about your day at work.

Ghost—The "Loyal" Boyfriend

Every Time Ghost Was A Very Good Boy - Gamespot Universe via YouTube.com

GOOD BOY GHOST, THAT'S A GOOD BOY, WHO'S A GOOD BOY, THAT'S A GOOD BOY! You don't need a boyfriend if you have a good boy like Ghost to cuddle up with at night and to defend you from undead ice zombies.

Bran Stark—The "Woke" Boyfriend

You're really into his whole vegan, feminist, yogi vibe. You like the way he speaks in aphorisms and constantly references The Feminine Mystique. He gets you into meditation, but you start to notice he's always criticizing the way you do it ("Babe, I can tell you aren't really leaning into your practice..."). Even more annoyingly, whenever you try to get anything going in the bedroom, he placidly says things like, "I don't really...want anymore...," but, contrastingly, he eagerly accepts the nomination to be the president of his frat.

The Night King—The "Emotionally Unavailable" Boyfriend

You fell for those blue eyes and that leadership ability, but somehow, when you curl up next to him, your bed feels colder, not warmer. It gets exhausting to have to carry every conversation and to have to constantly guess what he's thinking, but it's also...kind of hot? You'll unpack that internalized misogyny in therapy someday, but for now, you'll just enjoy the cold, cold touch of his bald, bald head.

Sam Tarly—The "Grateful" Boyfriend

Every time you take your shirt off he bursts into tears because he just can't believe he gets to see boobs. He's really a sweet guy, but you get pretty tired of having to read all the fanfiction he writes and giving him feedback on all his bizarre app ideas. You know he'll always be faithful to you, but sometimes the immense enthusiasm can be a bit of a turn-off—plus, it's a little weird that he wants to name your child after his best friend.


TV

Who Really Should Have Won Game of Thrones?

What's the fattest crow Bran ever warged?

GameOfThrones - Season 8 Official Trailer

via Youtube.com

Chaos is a ramp.

The longer Game of Thrones ran on, the more apparent it became that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss had no idea who George R.R. Martin's characters actually were. After three incredible early seasons, the quality dropped and dropped and dropped, until Arya turned into an unstoppable plot armor machine, Jaime lost his entire character arc, and Tyrion became a stupid idiot. Now, here we are at last, with "Bran the Broken" sitting on the Iron Throne.

As Tyrion told the lords and ladies of the Seven Kingdoms while he was supposed to be pleading for his life (which I guess Grey Worm just kind of forgot about): "We need good stories or some shit, so let's make Bran the Broken king because he fell out a window, and then he can make me Hand which won't look suspicious at all, no sir." We do, indeed, need good stories. But this ain't one of those, chief.

Honestly, Bran's a pretty bad choice for king. Dude is straight warged out all the time. He immediately banished his brother, Jon Snow, for stopping a genocidal maniac––all so he could "keep the peace" with a foreign army who immediately left on a ship. Then, during his first real policy meeting, he immediately bows out to go warg into a dragon. So here's a list of everyone who would have been a better choice for the iron throne (or lack thereof) than some impotent druggie with a fuzz mustache.

Jon Snow

Sure, Jon Snow ending up in charge wouldn't exactly "subvert expectations." But considering how much time the show wasted on Jon's lineage and rightful claim to the throne, that plotline really should have gone...somewhere...anywhere. As it stood, Bran's assertion that Jon "needs to know the truth" or whatever was total bullshit. Let the poor dude love his aunt in peace.

Daenerys

It would have been pretty cool if Daenerys really did claim total power after destroying King's Landing. She could have executed Tyrion and murdered Jon to truly wipe out any possible usurpers, and proven once and for all that in the game of thrones, bad political decisions (ie: supporting the "wrong" person) has drastic consequences.

Night King

Truthfully, the Night King always should have won. He had total control over an undead army who answered to him unconditionally. He was up against a fractured group of semi-literate wildmen standing their ground atop a massive crypt full of dead people (aka more soldiers for the Night King). His loss was only due to pure deus ex machina, and his ultimate victory could have symbolically shown that unless people band together as one, we'll never defeat...global warming?

Sansa

Sansa knew how to politic better than anyone else still living at the end of the show. For instance, she would never have appointed Bronn as "Master of Coin," considering he's irresponsible with money and has no legitimate claim to a position of power. Sansa would rule fairly, responsibly, and properly, instead of just leaving meetings to get warged out like her dumb brother.

Lady Stoneheart

Imagine if Lady Stoneheart (undead Catelyn Stark for all you non-book readers) had been in the show? If she had been there, it probably wouldn't have gotten so crappy. She could have properly avenged her children, seduced the Night King with her own zombie powers, and then assumed her rightful position as Queen (with the Night King as her Hand, of course). So cool, so good.

Ghost

Ghost was a good boy and deserves the Seven Kingdoms and all the treats.

Euron

I've spoken about this before, but Euron was the single best character on season 8 of Game of Thrones. He was basically the embodiment of what the show became under D&D––a total shitshow. So it would have made perfect sense for him to assume the ultimate role as the undisputed winner in the end. He still could have had his totally unnecessary ten-minute death match with Jaime, too. Here's how it would go down:

Jaime and Euron fight to the death in 8.5, with Jaime seemingly killing Euron and Euron grinning as he "dies," thinking about how he killed the Kingslayer for no reason.

Then, in 8.6, Euron wakes up. Jaime's blade missed his vital organs. He survived. And because he was outside King's Landing proper, he missed Dany's genocide, too.

Euron wanders through the blown out city, finally encountering Tyrion. He's never properly met Tyrion before and has no reason to kill him, but he stabs Tyrion anyways.

Then Euron makes his way to the Red Keep. Daenerys is giving her victory speech to the Unsullied and Dothraki. Euron can't understand her language, which upsets him. He interrupts her by singing a song out loud as he dances his way up the stairs. Everyone is delighted and entertained. When he reaches the top, he beheads Daenerys with one fell swoop of his cutlass and announces, "I'm the man who stuck a finger in Cersei's bum."

Everyone is onboard except Jon Snow, who steps forward and yells, "MUH KWEEN!" Euron promptly kicks him down the stairs. Jon takes a tumble and breaks his neck. Euron throws his hands in the air and says, "Did I do that?"

Then he drops trou, takes a piss on Daenerys' corpse, and shouts, "EURONation."

The Unsullied pound their poles and chant, "Euron, Euron, Euron."

Drogon comes out all sad, so Euron fucks him in front of everyone.

Cut to: one year later. Euron sits on the Iron Throne. Drogon is his queen, and three little baby dragons fly around, except they all have Euron's head, just like in Shrek.

Expectations––subverted.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com

Drogon's Mourns - Multiverse Heroes

via youtube.com

After spending the majority of seven seasons dealing in subtlety, nuance, and clever plot devices, the Game of Thrones team seems to have decided the best way to end a chess game is to flip the board, stomp on it, and then light it on fire.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Daenerys spent the majority of Season 8 episode 5 fulfilling every toxic trope of the scorned, histrionic woman. At least we can be grateful that if anyone accuses her of being on her period they can expect to die in a blaze of dragon fire. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss (D&D), having taken the season into their own, clumsy, bro-ish hands, have definitively raised the question among fans: Have those two Q-tips with eyes ever met an actual woman? Given the graceless handling of Dany's previously fascinating story arc, it would appear that D&D are doing their best to turn fans against the Dragon Queen by making her two-dimensional and illogically vengeful.

To be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with a "mad queen" storyline. But there is something vaguely offensive about running out of time to wrap up your show and consequently deciding to use chewing gum and elbow grease to shove a crude storyline onto what was previously one of the best characters on TV. Even Emilia Clarke has struggled to contain her disappointment in the lackluster final season.

Yes, a mad queen arc was always a possibility, but to make that choice without exploring any of Dany's internal turmoil or showing any resistance to this biological mental illness that has apparently overtaken her is lazy and jarringly sudden. That's not to mention the blood-boiling implication that the massacre was set off by Jon romantically rejecting Dany, firmly placing "the breaker of chains" into the stereotype of the jaded, crazy woman. Whether intentionally or not, D&D are painting the picture that dire consequences come from trusting a woman with power.

Sure, it's tempting to argue that to read so deeply into the treatment of gender in a fantasy show about dragons and magic is unnecessary, but one has to keep in mind that Game of Thrones is one of the most widely consumed pieces of media in the history of the world. We have to hold artists responsible for treating female characters with as much respect and care as they do male characters, particularly when they're given a platform as vast as D&D have been given. We expected so much better.

The CGI fire was extremely cool, though.


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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Game of Thrones - Season 8 Trailer

via youtube.com

As usual, the latest episode of Game of Thrones immediately lit the internet up with diverse opinions and takes, from fans freaking out about the presence of a Starbucks to-go cup in a scene to the Twitterverse bemoaning the poor quality of writing.

Among the more common protestations was the sentiment that episode 4 made it very clear that the show is written exclusively by men.




Perhaps chief among people's concerns about last night's portrayal of female characters was the GOT writers' choice to have Brienne run after Jaime—in her bathrobe, no less—and weep pitifully as he left her behind in the snow. While it's important to keep in mind that there is nothing inherently weak about displaying emotion, it is a very valid argument that Brienne's reaction to Jaime's desertion was extremely out of character. Not only that, but everything about the interaction was set up to make the knight seem womanly and desperate: she pleaded and wept, holding onto his face and spouting clichés like, "Don't leave me."

We've seen Brienne remain stone cold in the face of a great many tragedies, and while actress Gwendoline Christie is gifted at allowing hints of emotion to seep through Brienne's carefully constructed composure, we've never seen that composure crack entirely. That it would now—after just a couple of amorous nights with a neck-bearded, one-handed knight—feels unlikely. But when faced with complicated situations in which a female character's reaction requires nuanced thought and consideration, it seems the GOT writers just revert to unfortunate feminine stereotypes.

Episode 4 showed this weakness again in Dany's transparently power-hungry conversation with Jon. The dragon queen, who has undergone a massive character shift over the last few episodes—namely, from a three-dimensional character to a one-dimensional one—was presented as a stereotypical temptress in this episode. There was no nuance at all in her scene with Jon, and it became clear that her love for him—whether real or not—is something that she only views as another chess piece to be used in her quest for power. Not only is this a boring plot choice that removes much of the appealing humanity Daenerys once presented, it's a sexist choice that paints Dany as a sexually manipulative Bathsheba.

Sansa, too, has been suddenly simplified. In episode 4's conversation with the Hound, her implication that she was grateful for her rape was a wildly out-of-touch decision. Sure, there is nothing wrong with a woman finding strength in the knowledge that she has lived through great hardship, but Sansa has never been the blood-thirsty, dauntless character she was portrayed as in episode 4. Not to mention, to portray rape and abuse as a character-building experience is irresponsible and insensitive to the real experience of many women. Sansa has been a historically nuanced character, displaying tenderness and strength in equal measure—but not anymore.

It's as if, knowing they had to rush to wrap up the show in six episodes, the scriptwriters decided to save time by turning their female characters into easily palatable stereotypes of women. This is particularly unfortunate given the show's relatively strong track record for creating female characters with autonomy and storylines of their own, but it seems that when faced with time limits and pressure, the all-male writing team for season 8 just...didn't bother with the female characters.

While there is no question that Game of Thrones is a groundbreaking TV show in many ways, one can't help but to wonder how much more groundbreaking it could have been had women been a part of the writers' room.


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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Sometimes, in an emotionally manipulative relationship, the abusive partner does something just to assert their dominance and prove what they can get away with.

We've all experienced it: perhaps it was a mother-in-law telling you the pattern on your drapes makes her think of genocide, because she knows you'll just grimace and bear it. Or, maybe it was a romantic partner skipping your anniversary dinner to play paintball because he knows you'll forgive him eventually. Or maybe it was last night during Game of Thrones, when they blatantly left a Starbucks to-go cup in a scene, because, by god, you aren't going to stop watching now.

The GOT team knows they've got us hooked, so they're daring us to leave them, knowing that we're in too deep and much too weak to walk away. They're taunting us with their apathy, giving us laughably manipulative character development (oh no, Khaleesi is all power hungry now! Wonder where this could go...), absurdly short time lapses (wow, all of Winterfell made it to King's Landing in about a half hour), and even transparent provocation like LEAVING A GRANDE SOY LATTE IN A SHOT. If you think for one second that that coffee cup accidentally made it past the director and every actor, camera-op, editor, and other member of the best on-set army a $90 million budget can buy, than you're about as thick as Jon Sn— excuse me, erm, Aegon Targaryen.

That coffee cup was intended as either the most subtle Starbucks ad of all time or an outright taunt of all the fans who have allowed this show to take up real estate in our brains for the last eight years. While we may care about Game of Thrones, they sure as hell don't care about us, and episode by episode they're proving it to us more and more.

All of that being said, can't wait for next Sunday's episode!


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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If there's anything we can count on about Game of Thrones fans, it's that they generate superb Internet content.

Honestly, the most convincing reason to keep watching the HBO mega-hit is to understand your twitter feed after the show. We're left with tons of questions from this week's episode (how old is Arya?! Did Jon leave the crypt the whole episode? What's up with Jaime's bangs?,) but we're also left with memes that are arguably more entertaining than the show itself. Enjoy.

The internet was aghast that Arya Stark turned out to have sexual energy. Here are some of the best reactions to Arya and Gendry gettin' it on in the crypt:




One of the most meme-able characters this episode was Tormund, who not only casually shared a, um, fascinating anecdote about being breastfed by a giant but also proved that time had done nothing to dilute his deep love for Brienne.


Perhaps the king of Game of Thrones memes and sizzling one liners, Bran also got plenty of internet love after the episode.




Lets not forget the online frenzy caused by Jon and Dany's crypt convo.



And that dire wolf cameo!

Hopefully, no matter how much GoT continues to spoon feed viewers expected plot points, we'll at least have plenty of quality tweets to keep us warm.




Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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