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"Game of Thrones" Characters As Types of Boyfriends

Even more annoyingly, whenever you try to get anything going in the bedroom, he placidly says things like, "I don't really...want anymore..."

Game of Thrones has ended at last.

It's consumed our lives and consciousness for the last decade, and consequently, none of us have had the time or the social skills to have sex or engage in romantic relationships in any way—we were in our pajamas watching beautiful people play pretend instead!!! Now that your life has a gaping, GOT shaped void, perhaps it's time to put yourself out there and look for real life, human relationships. To make the transition easier, we've created a dating template for you and decided what type of boyfriend every Game of Thrones man would be—beware, the world is full of Jaimes.

Jon Snow—The "Brooding" Boyfriend

Jon Snow is truly the quintessential sad boy. His tendencies to furrow his brow, talk in a simulated Batman voice, and let his eyes fill with tears just enough that he looks like a romance novel cover but not so much that anyone would dare accuse him of femininity all scream sad boy boyfriend. Jon is that guy in the Warby Parker glasses you meet in an indie bookstore and agree to go on a date with because you find him handsome in a gentle, thoughtful, I-came-back-from-the-dead-once kind of way. Unfortunately, you soon find out his glasses aren't even prescription, the only book he's ever read all the way through (and constantly references) is On the Road by Jack Kerouac, and he's "just not really into" giving oral sex.


Jaime Lannister—The "Fuccboi" Boyfriend

You see him on Tinder and immediately spend 45 minutes stalking his Instagram (wow, he seems SO close with his twin sister—that's such a good sign!), hoping he matches with you. When he ultimately invites you out to a trendy cocktail bar (that he casually mentions his dad owns), you find out his jawline is somehow even better in person. Sure, he seems to be muttering someone else's name during sex (Sissy? Mercy? Lucy?), but I mean he is SO handsome. Like...SO HANDSOME.

Tormund Giantsbane—The "Rough Around the Edges" Boyfriend

He's constantly picking you up in his arms and making you feel small and dainty. His Good Will Hunting accent is so sexy, and you love a man who can pull off a beard. Sure, he tends to get drunk and throw axes at stuff, but even that is kind of hot! You get tired of how rowdy he gets with his friends and the super off-color anecdotes he sometimes tells, but, my god, he looks good in a flannel.

Tyrion Lannister—The "Life of the Party" Boyfriend

You meet him at a party and he's charming and funny. Sure, usually you're into taller guys, but you love the feeling of being with the person who has the whole room laughing. You don't even mind that on your first date he gets smashed and talks over you the whole time (that story about killing his dad with a crossbow was a joke, right?). Besides, not that you really care, but it's nice to be with a guy with resources. You never have to worry about him fulfilling your Venmo requests or splitting Ubers with you since he's constantly saying, "A Lannister always pays his debts." After a while, though, the drinking and whoring become a bit of a problem, and it's clear that he prefers talking in clever metaphors to hearing about your day at work.

Ghost—The "Loyal" Boyfriend

GOOD BOY GHOST, THAT'S A GOOD BOY, WHO'S A GOOD BOY, THAT'S A GOOD BOY! You don't need a boyfriend if you have a good boy like Ghost to cuddle up with at night and to defend you from undead ice zombies.

Bran Stark—The "Woke" Boyfriend

You're really into his whole vegan, feminist, yogi vibe. You like the way he speaks in aphorisms and constantly references The Feminine Mystique. He gets you into meditation, but you start to notice he's always criticizing the way you do it ("Babe, I can tell you aren't really leaning into your practice..."). Even more annoyingly, whenever you try to get anything going in the bedroom, he placidly says things like, "I don't really...want anymore...," but, contrastingly, he eagerly accepts the nomination to be the president of his frat.

The Night King—The "Emotionally Unavailable" Boyfriend

You fell for those blue eyes and that leadership ability, but somehow, when you curl up next to him, your bed feels colder, not warmer. It gets exhausting to have to carry every conversation and to have to constantly guess what he's thinking, but it's also...kind of hot? You'll unpack that internalized misogyny in therapy someday, but for now, you'll just enjoy the cold, cold touch of his bald, bald head.

Sam Tarly—The "Grateful" Boyfriend

Every time you take your shirt off he bursts into tears because he just can't believe he gets to see boobs. He's really a sweet guy, but you get pretty tired of having to read all the fanfiction he writes and giving him feedback on all his bizarre app ideas. You know he'll always be faithful to you, but sometimes the immense enthusiasm can be a bit of a turn-off—plus, it's a little weird that he wants to name your child after his best friend.


Zelda Williams

This weekend, Eric Trump gleefully shared a video of the late Robin Williams making fun of presidential candidate Joe Biden that bore the caption, "Robin Williams Savages Joe Biden."

Zelda Williams tweeted in response, "While we're 'reminiscing' (to further your political agenda), you should look up what he said about your Dad. I did. Promise you, it's much more 'savage.' Gentle reminder that the dead can't vote, but the living can."

Robin Williams, who would have turned 69 last month, had certainly poked fun at Joe Biden. In the clip shared by the younger Trump, Williams quips, "We still have great comedy out there, there's always rambling Joe Biden, what the f***... Joe says s*** that even people with Tourette's go, 'No. What is going on?'" He continued, "Joe is like your uncle who is on a new drug and hasn't got the dosage right...I'm proud to work with Barack America — 'He's not a superhero, you idiot — come here!'"

His comments about the current president were far more incisive and far-reaching. For example, in 2012, he referred to Trump as "a scary man" and "the Wizard of Oz" because "he plays monopoly with real f***ing buildings."

Of course, these jokes are based in very real calamities. Many of Trump's real estate projects and business ventures have notoriously fallen through or crash-landed completely, landing him in massive debt. Yet time and time again he was bailed out by his father, Fred Trump, who paid millions to keep his son's delusions of glory alive. He was also bailed out by a variety of banks (and still owes Deutsche Bank an outstanding $350 million). In some ways, it's no surprise that Trump will leave America sick, in debt, and in crisis.

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TV

Who Really Should Have Won Game of Thrones?

What's the fattest crow Bran ever warged?

Chaos is a ramp.

The longer Game of Thrones ran on, the more apparent it became that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss had no idea who George R.R. Martin's characters actually were. After three incredible early seasons, the quality dropped and dropped and dropped, until Arya turned into an unstoppable plot armor machine, Jaime lost his entire character arc, and Tyrion became a stupid idiot. Now, here we are at last, with "Bran the Broken" sitting on the Iron Throne.

As Tyrion told the lords and ladies of the Seven Kingdoms while he was supposed to be pleading for his life (which I guess Grey Worm just kind of forgot about): "We need good stories or some shit, so let's make Bran the Broken king because he fell out a window, and then he can make me Hand which won't look suspicious at all, no sir." We do, indeed, need good stories. But this ain't one of those, chief.

Honestly, Bran's a pretty bad choice for king. Dude is straight warged out all the time. He immediately banished his brother, Jon Snow, for stopping a genocidal maniac––all so he could "keep the peace" with a foreign army who immediately left on a ship. Then, during his first real policy meeting, he immediately bows out to go warg into a dragon. So here's a list of everyone who would have been a better choice for the iron throne (or lack thereof) than some impotent druggie with a fuzz mustache.

Jon Snow

jon snow

Sure, Jon Snow ending up in charge wouldn't exactly "subvert expectations." But considering how much time the show wasted on Jon's lineage and rightful claim to the throne, that plotline really should have gone...somewhere...anywhere. As it stood, Bran's assertion that Jon "needs to know the truth" or whatever was total bullshit. Let the poor dude love his aunt in peace.

Daenerys

daenerys on throne

It would have been pretty cool if Daenerys really did claim total power after destroying King's Landing. She could have executed Tyrion and murdered Jon to truly wipe out any possible usurpers, and proven once and for all that in the game of thrones, bad political decisions (ie: supporting the "wrong" person) has drastic consequences.

Night King

night king

Truthfully, the Night King always should have won. He had total control over an undead army who answered to him unconditionally. He was up against a fractured group of semi-literate wildmen standing their ground atop a massive crypt full of dead people (aka more soldiers for the Night King). His loss was only due to pure deus ex machina, and his ultimate victory could have symbolically shown that unless people band together as one, we'll never defeat...global warming?

Sansa

sansa iron throne

Sansa knew how to politic better than anyone else still living at the end of the show. For instance, she would never have appointed Bronn as "Master of Coin," considering he's irresponsible with money and has no legitimate claim to a position of power. Sansa would rule fairly, responsibly, and properly, instead of just leaving meetings to get warged out like her dumb brother.

Lady Stoneheart

lady stoneheart

Imagine if Lady Stoneheart (undead Catelyn Stark for all you non-book readers) had been in the show? If she had been there, it probably wouldn't have gotten so crappy. She could have properly avenged her children, seduced the Night King with her own zombie powers, and then assumed her rightful position as Queen (with the Night King as her Hand, of course). So cool, so good.

Ghost

ghost game of thrones

Ghost was a good boy and deserves the Seven Kingdoms and all the treats.

Euron

I've spoken about this before, but Euron was the single best character on season 8 of Game of Thrones. He was basically the embodiment of what the show became under D&D––a total shitshow. So it would have made perfect sense for him to assume the ultimate role as the undisputed winner in the end. He still could have had his totally unnecessary ten-minute death match with Jaime, too. Here's how it would go down:

Jaime and Euron fight to the death in 8.5, with Jaime seemingly killing Euron and Euron grinning as he "dies," thinking about how he killed the Kingslayer for no reason.

Then, in 8.6, Euron wakes up. Jaime's blade missed his vital organs. He survived. And because he was outside King's Landing proper, he missed Dany's genocide, too.

Euron wanders through the blown out city, finally encountering Tyrion. He's never properly met Tyrion before and has no reason to kill him, but he stabs Tyrion anyways.

Then Euron makes his way to the Red Keep. Daenerys is giving her victory speech to the Unsullied and Dothraki. Euron can't understand her language, which upsets him. He interrupts her by singing a song out loud as he dances his way up the stairs. Everyone is delighted and entertained. When he reaches the top, he beheads Daenerys with one fell swoop of his cutlass and announces, "I'm the man who stuck a finger in Cersei's bum."

Everyone is onboard except Jon Snow, who steps forward and yells, "MUH KWEEN!" Euron promptly kicks him down the stairs. Jon takes a tumble and breaks his neck. Euron throws his hands in the air and says, "Did I do that?"

Then he drops trou, takes a piss on Daenerys' corpse, and shouts, "EURONation."

The Unsullied pound their poles and chant, "Euron, Euron, Euron."

Drogon comes out all sad, so Euron fucks him in front of everyone.

Cut to: one year later. Euron sits on the Iron Throne. Drogon is his queen, and three little baby dragons fly around, except they all have Euron's head, just like in Shrek.

Expectations––subverted.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com