Facebook

I don't really use Facebook, because they're famous for mishandling and abusing user information.

I'm also in a long-term, committed relationship, so when I heard about Facebook Dating, my first thought was, "Wow, there's literally nothing less up my alley than this!" But I was still kind of curious. With all the dating apps on the market, who in their right mind would want to find love through gross Facebook? I imagined a wasteland populated by only the most desperate people and boomers who can't figure out how to download Tinder. But I'm a real journalist. Imagination is worthless. I needed to see for myself if I wanted to write a Facebook Dating review.

So I made a Facebook Dating profile and documented my journey.

Facebook Dating is kind of annoying to find. It's actually part of the standard Facebook app (which, again, nobody should ever use, because it's probably stealing your data without your consent), so you have to navigate to the far reaches of the crappy mobile interface to access Facebook dating at all.

Facebook Dating

Once I made it in, Facebook wanted to know which "option(s)" I most closely identified with. This seemed pretty par for the course, but kudos to Facebook for including trans and non-binary folks (I hope that kind of inclusivity is common in dating services nowadays, but considering I haven't been on the dating scene in 7 years, I have no idea).

Facebook Dating

Then Facebook asked me who I'm interested in seeing. I selected everyone, because I'm an equal opportunist, and I don't want Facebook to have any information about my sexual preferences.

Facebook Dating

After I told Facebook which genders I'm interested in boning, they wanted to see a good photo of me. Their default selection was my Facebook profile picture, which I do, indeed, think is a good photo of me. Or as one guy said to me in a comment once, "Put down the bong."

Facebook assured me that even though my dating profile is technically attached to my standard Facebook profile, the two will operate mostly separately, kind of like China's "one country, two systems" bullsh*t. Make no mistake, Facebook will be gorging itself on the information in your dating profile.

Considering Facebook already has all my info, they're willing to help me fill in some information to optimize my sexual prospects. Thanks Zuck!

Facebook Dating

Facebook wanted me to describe myself in "three sentences, three words, or three emojis." I'm also only in L.A. for the weekend, because I'm attending a wedding. I don't expect Facebook to know that, but I feel it's an important fact to note.

Okay, I went with emojis. I chose a bicep because I like working out, sushi because I like eating sushi, and an American flag because I'm a "real American patriot" who loves our great nation and bleeds red, white, and blue.

Facebook Dating

I went with "Staff Writer" for occupation, because in L.A. everyone will think I write for a TV show, which is very cool; and also, everyone in L.A. is a liar, so I don't mind tricking them. Also, I don't believe in God, but I'm at least somewhat sure we live in a Matrix-like simulation and that I'm the only "real" person. Unfortunately, I can't prove these assertions, and Facebook's religion options don't go that deep. So I selected "Agnostic."

Facebook Dating

Facebook thought this more recent picture of me was pretty decent, too, and I agee. It's of me giving a thumbs up at an Italian restaurant, which hopefully tells prospective partners that I'm a guy who loves being in Italian restaurants.

Facebook Dating

Facebook also seemed to like this picture of me from when I shaved off all my facial hair except for my mustache. My girlfriend said I "looked like a joke," but I'm pretty sure Facebook knows better than she does.

Facebook Dating

After showing me my best faces, Facebook prompted me to "Answer a Question," which they seemed to suggest will help connect me with people who have similar interests. Facebook then asked about something I'm embarrassed to admit I love, presumably because it wants to collect fodder to use against me at some point. I answered truthfully.

Facebook Dating

After answering a few more questions, Facebook completed my profile. This will help me stand out from the crowd.

Facebook Dating

Facebook Dating also has a "Secret Crush" feature. Under normal circumstances, you won't see friends of yours in your dating pool. But if you mark your friend as a "Secret Crush," they'll get a notification that someone has a crush on them if they ever sign up for Facebook dating, too. Then, if they happen to select you as a crush, you'll both be notified. You can select up to nine friends as crushes, because the chances of f*cking your friends are better when you cast a wide net. I selected my girlfriend and notified her of my crush in person, because she hasn't been on Facebook in five years.

Facebook Dating

Facebook automatically assumed my ideal age range for a partner would be "20-34." I corrected this to "20-100+" because how dare they assume what I like? And that's it, the final step! My dating profile is complete, and I'm ready to hit the Facebook dating scene to see who else has entered this personal information-scraping hellscape.

Facebook Dating

Oh. They're not suggesting people in my area yet. So...it's literally just me. I'm completely alone on Facebook Dating. Might as well have a cartoon piña colada, eh Facebook?

Facebook Dating

From the bottom of my heart, f*ck you Mark Zuckerberg.

FILM

Is “Hamilton” Sexist?

The hit musical will drop on Disney+ July 3rd.

Lin Manuel-Miranda's Hamilton has taken the theater world by storm since its 2015 Broadway premiere.

A hip-hop musical about America's founding fathers doesn't sound immediately appealing, but Manuel-Miranda's brilliant song writing and diverse casting not only captured the attention of audiences, but proved that major change is possible within an art form as encumbered by traditions as musical theater.

Keep Reading Show less
MUSIC

Filipa's "I'd Rather be Single" Video is a Dose of Satire and Self-Empowerment

Filipa mocks dating game shows and delivers an anthem of self-respect.

South African pop artist, Filipa, first soared to international recognition by winning a cover song competition on Ryanseacrest.com.

Her rendition of One Direction's "Story of My Life" showcased her powerful voice and dynamic emotional range. Winning this contest not only bolstered her popularity in South Africa, but it also granted Filipa the platform she needed to focus on releasing original songs. From there, she released her debut single, "Chills," to critical acclaim and followed it up with "Little White Lie," which rocketed up the iTunes charts and dominated South African airwaves. Now, with the release of her new music video, "I'd Rather be Single," Filipa looks to expand her reach beyond South Africa.

The video begins with Filipa and a friend, lazing on the couch, watching TV. Filipa is visibly upset over a boy who, we find out, is not returning her texts. With a mouthful of popcorn, the friend advises Filipa to get rid of him, and just as Filipa is about to explain why she keeps him around, the other woman interrupts her because one of her favorite shows comes on. The show in question is a parody of those vapid dating game shows that dominated the mid-'90s and early aughts (think MTV's Singled Out). A different version of Filipa appears as the object of affection for which three cheesy dudes are to compete.

The rest of the video is a seamless blend of skits in which Filipa asks the contestants questions, and they give comically disconcerting answers and footage of the how the show farcically plays itself out to the music.

In a written statement Filipa said, "The dating world is so strange and demanding these days, which makes it hard to find that special someone who understands you, supports you and treats you right […] A lot of people stay in relationships in hopes of the other person changing or finally being the type of person they deserve, which starts to become taxing on their own happiness and leads to more tension and heartbreak down the line. I think knowing your worth and respecting yourself first is the key to being happy in and out of a relationship."

"I'd Rather be Single" is a refreshingly positive anthem of self-empowerment that is all too rare in pop music – hopefully this universally salient message resonates with audiences far and wide.

Filipa - I'd Rather Be Single (Official Music Video) youtu.be



Dustin DiPaulo is a writer and musician from Rochester, New York. He received his MFA in Creative Writing from Florida Atlantic University and can most likely be found at a local concert, dive bar, or comedy club (if he's not getting lost somewhere in the woods).


POP⚡DUST | Read More...

Your Favorite Childhood Shows Most In Need of a Reboot

To J.K. Rowling and "Supernatural": Queer-baiting Isn't Creative License

Cboyardee: The Man Who Shaped 4chan