As more people lock into necessary self-isolation, people are developing new identities outside of the realms of their ordinary realities. Different groups of quarantined folks are emerging as we settle into this new normal. Which one are you?

1. The vampire

Your daily sleep schedule is around 5 AM to 2 PM. You're no longer a person; you're a creature of the night. You haven't put on jeans or seen the morning sun in weeks. 2 AM is when you come alive, and the sunrise is your best friend.

2. The organizer

You have eight mutual aid docs and seven community slacks open on your computer at all times. You just got back from dropping groceries at your neighbor's door and are vigorously washing your hands in preparation for a group Zoom call about the upcoming rent strike.

3. The self-care wizard

You know that quarantine is a time for self-improvement and you're set out to manifest it. When you're not making Instagram graphics about your morning routine or meditating, you're teaching $40 Zoom seminars about manifesting your best life and burning sage to cleanse out the pathogens.

4. The livestreamer

You're a musician, artist, or jokester who can't deal with letting your art go unseen by the world for more than a few minutes. Your livestream has quietly become your life, filling the void that the stage lights used to. Who are you outside of the glow of others' attention? You don't want to know.

5. The screen-timer

When you're not playing Animal Crossing, you're watching and tweeting about Netflix's Tiger King. Your screen time has tripled since you started quarantine, and now you feel that you're more real online than in the real world. You just started a TikTok channel for kicks and spend hours each evening taking screencaps from sh*tposting groups about how horny you are and posting them on your Instagram story, but really you're just happy to have unlimited, 24/7, judgment-free access to your video games. When the data wars come, you'll be the hottest commodity, because your entire identity has been spread around the Internet; but for now, you're in glassy-eyed heaven.

Tiger King Secrets That Will Leave You Speechless www.youtube.com


6. The doomsayer

You obsessively read The New York Times and relay ominous facts to unsuspecting family members and coworkers on group Zoom calls. You have read every single coronavirus story ever published and only want everyone to understand the pure hopelessness that you feel. When you're not reading the Times, you're reading the Post, and when you're not reading that you're reading Trump's Twitter feed. You're a masochist through and through, but… at least you're informed?

7. The hermit

You're not happy about the virus, but you're more than fine with the opportunity to stay inside. At the time of the apocalypse, you won't notice because you'll be indoors, in the dark. Away from people. Like you always wanted. Eventually, someone will find you in your moss-covered cabin and will try to ask you about the secrets of the universe; but, until then, you can relish the sweet sound of silence.

8. The prophet

You know that now is the time that the world has been waiting for, and you are ready to self-actualize and emerge as the leader of the post-virus realm. When you're not reading your own books over livestream, you're preparing your cult manifesto and waiting for the right moment to share the revelations you've always known with the wider world. You've taken to growing out your beard and wearing long flowing robes.

9. The chef

You are pouring your life into cooking. Chopping onions is your therapy and mangoes contain the truth of the universe.

10. The alcoholic

You're just like the chef, except alcohol (or perhaps coffee) has become the meaning of life. Day drinking? A go. Night-drinking? Also a go. Liquor stores are essential businesses, right?

11. The hoarder

You were the one who stole all the toilet paper from your local grocery store in the early days of panic, but you didn't stop there. You waited until the store restocked, then you sprang. You're on your way to your bunker right now, your truck filled up with only toilet paper.

12. The person who actually has sh*t to deal with

Maybe you're a healthcare worker or a grocery store clerk. Maybe you're sick or have to take care of kids. Maybe you can't pay your rent because the government in the richest country in the world won't pay for it, even though you've been calling to ask for a rent freeze for weeks. Either way, we are sorry, you deserve better, and you are the true heroes of this scenario—which is not going to become an apocalypse, but which has asked so much of you.

Satire

Elder Gods Apologize for Delay in Rollout of the Apocalypse

Production on the end of the world has been a mess since day one

With June of 2020 nearly here and no sign of the final cataclysm we've been promised, it's beginning to seem like The End Times will forever be near, without ever being upon us.

While the early phases of civilization's collapse into a burning hellscape were promising, progress on the more dramatic culmination of armageddon has been repeatedly stalled by restructuring, miscommunication, and the high rate of turnover within the ranks of the Great Old Ones' loyal subjects.

"The slow burn is great and all," said John Knӕlgghyrt, née Phillips, who was briefly the high priest of Cthulhu's Dark Order—prior to being scooped unceremoniously into his lord's tentacled maw—"but trying to get the big stuff done has been a real challenge." The main struggle he points to is the lack of cohesion and structural order among the death cult working haplessly to hasten Earth's return to a state of desolation and chaos. "It's like herding cats sometimes. Insane, death-obsessed cats."

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MUSIC

Hot Girl Quarantine: "Savage" Will Be the Song We Associate with Coronavirus Forever

As its dance goes viral and we're stuck in our homes, "Savage" will remind us of this dark time years from now.

Earlier this month, Megan Thee Stallion released her most vulnerable project yet, Suga.

The Houston rapper quickly rose to massive Internet virality last year with her declaration of "Hot Girl Summer," a manifesto she's illustrated in countless tweets, candid videos, and of course a synonymous song (which became a Top 10 hit). Her popularity has set the hip-hop world ablaze, and she isn't burning out anytime soon.

"Savage," a characteristically cutthroat banger from Suga, is just the latest cut from Megan's growing discography to flourish on social media. On March 10, TikToker Keara Wilson first posted a clip of the dance she choreographed to "Savage." Since the original, Wilson has uploaded multiple TikToks of the dance, accruing hundreds of thousands of likes. She also posted a nifty tutorial for maximum trend potential.

Keara wilson on TikTok

Keara wilson on TikTok www.tiktok.com

NEW DANCE ALERT! 🚨 if u use my dance tag me so i can see🤗 @theestallion #writethelyrics #PlayWithLife #foyou #fyp #foryoupage #newdance #savage

As with all the best viral dances, Wilson's routine spread like wildfire, spawning recreations from TikTok royalty like Addison Rae and Charli D'Amelio, as well as from other Gen-Z favorites like Emma Chamberlain, James Charles, and Liza Koshy.

addison rae on TikTok

addison rae on TikTok www.tiktok.com


@sherinicolee OK MAMA

charli d'amelio on TikTok

charli d'amelio on TikTok www.tiktok.com

@keke.janajah

Soon enough, of course, the dance caught the attention of Thee Stallion herself, who shared her rendition of it from the comfort of home in a onesie. The caption reads "#quarantineandchill." As we're all cooped up in our houses, (hopefully) working remotely and (hopefully) practicing social distancing, the "Savage" dance has henceforth dubbed the foreseeable future as Hot Girl Quarantine. Years from now, when we're all finally allowed back into the bars and parties have resumed, "Savage" will begin playing in the distance. We'll look at our friends longingly and say, "Remember when we survived a pandemic?"

We all have songs that we associate with a certain event or period in time. Ex-Tumblr kids will remember the black-and-white clad aesthetic circa 2013 that became inextricable from songs like the 1975's "Chocolate" and the Neighbourhood's "Sweater Weather." Green Day's "Time of Your Life" is to high school graduations what Medicare for All is to Bernie Sanders' platform.

Now, the Very Online generation will forever associate "Savage" with the coronavirus. With so much free time on our hands, Internet scrolling is the new 9-to-5. With gyms on lockdown, dancing in our bedrooms seems like the most natural way to get endorphins. I, a grown adult, begrudgingly made my own painfully unsexy TikTok to "Savage," and would recommend you do the same to distract yourself from...everything else.

Though we won't be hearing it in clubs or at get-togethers with friends, "Savage" is still bound to become even more popular and inescapable as our time indoors trickles on. It's sassy, it's moody, it's nasty—in a weird way, it's just like a global pandemic.