Donald Trump hates radical liberal E.T.

In response to the flagship Evangelical Christian magazine, Christianity Today, publishing a post-impeachment rebuke of Donald Trump and a call for his removal from office, Donald Trump bafflingly responded by bashing E.T., the beloved Steven Spielberg movie, which he also thinks is a book for some reason.

"I won't be reading ET again!" tweeted the impeached president, his brain likely mid-hemorrhage.

But if Donald Trump is under the impression that E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is against him, that begs the question: What other movies does Donald Trump think are out to get him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom A possible photograph of Jones in his Jew temple of doom.

Donald Trump has heard rumblings of a Jewish coup in Indiana, and while he hasn't been able to lock down the source yet, he has his top men on the case. Here's what the Trump administration has uncovered so far:

1. There is a Jewish man with the surname Jones somewhere in Indiana. Jones is not a traditional Jewish surname, which Trump finds suspicious.

2. Jews are untrustworthy and so are their temples, which Trump's sources have informed him are also called "synagogues." Creepy.

3. Jones is affiliated with a Jewish temple which will bring about "Doom," a concept that Mike Pence frequently references. Mike Pence is also from Indiana. Coincidence? Trump thinks not.

Mike Pence Donald Trump's special friend, Mike Pence. White House

4. Jews love money, so they must love Trump. But white supremacists are also very fine people, and Jews are probably not white. Could this be Jones' reason for starting his Temple of Doom in Indiana? What terrors does Jones have in store for Mike Pence and the good Christian folk of Indiana? Jewish trickery, no doubt.

Back to the Future

Back to the Future Evidence of old man with secret Jewish technology.

Back to the Future and "Make America Great Again" basically mean the same thing, or at least that's what Donald Trump thinks. What liberal trickery is behind this blatant attempt to steal his campaign slogan? Donald Trump isn't sure, but he has top men working on the case. Their discoveries are as follows:

1. There is an old man who built a time machine. Jew?
2. Michael J. Fox is in cahoots with this old man. Michael J. Fox is confirmed to be Jewish. This has deep state written all over. Must investigate further. Also, Michael J. Fox has become younger somehow?
3. Michael J. Fox and the old (Jewish?) man keep referring to Trump as Biff Tannen. Donald Trump has assumed many aliases to lie about himself, but never Biff Tannen. Could Biff Tannen be a new Donald Trump alias from the future?

Biff Tannen A cool picture of Donald Trump with a gun.

4. It seems likely that the democrats have funded illegal Jew technology to both make Michael J. Fox younger and convince Donald Trump to change his name to Biff Tannen in the future. Biff Tannen is a pretty cool name, but there's a missing puzzle piece here. Could this possibly be related to Jones from Indiana?

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Return of the Jedi Sneaky Hollywood Jews with Jewish technology.

Those damn Hollywood Jew liberals are behind the coup. Donald Trump knew it all along, but this is the proof he needed. It's right there in writing, clear as day: Star Wars. The Hollywood stars are planning to wage a war against the Trump administration, and they were stupid enough to put it out on billboards. But what is this Return of the Jedi gobbledygook all about? Donald Trump can't figure it out, but he has top men on the case. Their investigation has proven fruitful thus far, revealing:

1. A cabal of Jewish liberal Hollywood stars are prepping for a literal war against Donald Trump.
2. Their leader is a young Michael J. Fox. It is unclear how Michael J. Fox has aged backwards, but there is photographic evidence. Where did the Jews obtain this technology, and how can it be reclaimed for Americans?

Young Michael J Fox How did Michael J. Fox become younger?

3. The Hollywood elites are operating out of a secret Jewish temple, or "synagogue," based in Indiana.

4. Jedi might be a misspelling? Hollywood liberals are dumb. Could it be...Jeb?

Jeb Bush George W. Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, might be the key.

5. Is Jeb Bush involved? This is all starting to make sense.

6. Okay, the Hollywood liberals, lead by young Michael J. Fox, are stockpiling Jew technology at a temple in Indiana. Their goal is to resurrect Jeb Bush's failed presidential campaign, except with a better slogan than "JEB!" which is why they're trying to copy MAGA. They're probably also planning to make him younger, just like they did with Michael J. Fox. They also plan to convince Donald Trump to adopt the moniker "Biff Tannen," but to what end is still unknown. Their ultimate goal is clearly the doom of America, so we'll need to ask Mike Pence more about what that might entail. He's always quoting a book about it, so maybe he can be our secret weapon. Further investigation is required, but this is definitely shaping up to be the greatest scandal in America history, perhaps even more dangerous to our way of life than Sicario 2.