In response to the flagship Evangelical Christian magazine, Christianity Today, publishing a post-impeachment rebuke of Donald Trump and a call for his removal from office, Donald Trump bafflingly responded by bashing E.T., the beloved Steven Spielberg movie, which he also thinks is a book for some reason.

"I won't be reading ET again!" tweeted the impeached president, his brain likely mid-hemorrhage.

But if Donald Trump is under the impression that E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is against him, that begs the question: What other movies does Donald Trump think are out to get him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

A possible photograph of Jones in his Jew temple of doom.

Donald Trump has heard rumblings of a Jewish coup in Indiana, and while he hasn't been able to lock down the source yet, he has his top men on the case. Here's what the Trump administration has uncovered so far:

1. There is a Jewish man with the surname Jones somewhere in Indiana. Jones is not a traditional Jewish surname, which Trump finds suspicious.

2. Jews are untrustworthy and so are their temples, which Trump's sources have informed him are also called "synagogues." Creepy.

3. Jones is affiliated with a Jewish temple which will bring about "Doom," a concept that Mike Pence frequently references. Mike Pence is also from Indiana. Coincidence? Trump thinks not.

Donald Trump's special friend, Mike Pence. White House

4. Jews love money, so they must love Trump. But white supremacists are also very fine people, and Jews are probably not white. Could this be Jones' reason for starting his Temple of Doom in Indiana? What terrors does Jones have in store for Mike Pence and the good Christian folk of Indiana? Jewish trickery, no doubt.

Back to the Future

Evidence of old man with secret Jewish technology.

Back to the Future and "Make America Great Again" basically mean the same thing, or at least that's what Donald Trump thinks. What liberal trickery is behind this blatant attempt to steal his campaign slogan? Donald Trump isn't sure, but he has top men working on the case. Their discoveries are as follows:

A cool picture of Donald Trump with a gun.

4. It seems likely that the democrats have funded illegal Jew technology to both make Michael J. Fox younger and convince Donald Trump to change his name to Biff Tannen in the future. Biff Tannen is a pretty cool name, but there's a missing puzzle piece here. Could this possibly be related to Jones from Indiana?

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Sneaky Hollywood Jews with Jewish technology.

Those damn Hollywood Jew liberals are behind the coup. Donald Trump knew it all along, but this is the proof he needed. It's right there in writing, clear as day: Star Wars. The Hollywood stars are planning to wage a war against the Trump administration, and they were stupid enough to put it out on billboards. But what is this Return of the Jedi gobbledygook all about? Donald Trump can't figure it out, but he has top men on the case. Their investigation has proven fruitful thus far, revealing:

How did Michael J. Fox become younger?

3. The Hollywood elites are operating out of a secret Jewish temple, or "synagogue," based in Indiana.

George W. Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, might be the key.

5. Is Jeb Bush involved? This is all starting to make sense.