Satire

What Movies Will God Quiz You on When You Get to Heaven?

Apparently God is a major movie buff.

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Chances are pretty good that if you...*checks news*...live literally anywhere in the world, you're probably quarantined and maybe dying from COVID-19 right now.

I probably am right now. Sure, some psychologists are saying, "Don't let coronavirus tip society into panic," but panic is a natural response to unseen threats that make us question our survival and why we even exist. So if you're going to be stuck in your bedroom during what very well might be your last two weeks on earth, you might as well catch up on all the movies that God quizzes you on when you get into heaven.

Wait, what? That's right, dear reader, God is a major movie buff, according to a prophetic vision I had last night while quarantined, and let me assure you that I immediately and accurately jotted His favorite titles down so you can ace the test and not be cast into the fiery pits of Eternal Damnation. Remember, if you don't die as a seasoned movie buff, God will not let you in. Look it up in The Bible.

Noah

www.youtube.com

According to God, high-budget Hollywood retellings of biblical stories are His favorite form of worship. So it almost goes without saying that Darren Aronofsky's Noah epic, starring Russell Crowe, made the list. While many of the other Hollywood bible epics take too many liberties for God's liking, God assured me that Noah is a spot-on interpretation, and that Noah's real adopted daughter actually did look a little bit like Emma Watson. God also mentioned that flooding the world was one of the coolest things He ever did, so it was pretty fun to watch on the big screen.

The Passion of the Christ

www.youtube.com

Mel Gibson's poorly received Jesus Christ biopic may be a slog to get through, but honestly, we should have seen this coming. After all, when a guy who vocally hates Jews decides to direct a movie about God's son, you better believe God's going to take notice. The funny part is that God didn't like it either. God made it crystal clear that Mel Gibson failed to capture Jesus' mannerisms and that the main point in having us watch is so we can all make fun of it together from an informed perspective.

God's Not Dead

www.youtube.com

With a paltry budget of only two million dollars, and a very silly cameo appearance from Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson, God informed me that even though He hates to use the term, He couldn't help feeling like God's Not Dead took His name in vain. The movie's premise that God actually cares whether or not some dumb college students believe in Him was deeply offensive, especially when the only thing He actually cares about is whether or not we can pass his cinematic litmus test. He hopes that we can use take this movie as a lesson in what not to do.

Gods of Egypt

www.youtube.com

Straight up, God would not stop praising Gods of Egypt. This is a direct quote from God during my quarantined vision: "Dude, Gods of Egypt is so underrated. Realizing there wasn't going to be a sequel was the exact thing that made me start coronavirus." God clarified that while it's technically a good-bad movie, it's so good-bad that it might actually just be amazing. He's really into good-bad movies, so that's probably a useful thing to keep in mind when you kick the bucket. Also, if you happen to be Tommy Wiseau, he's going to talk your ear off. Like, he loves you, man.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

www.youtube.com

Okay, this was a surprise. It turns out that God's favorite movie, in the history of the medium, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He doesn't even like it ironically; he actually thinks it's good. I asked him if he had ever seen the comparisons between Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Neon Genesis Evangelion and, I kid you not, God says, "Who do you think came up with that first?" Admittedly, when God first said that Paul Blart: Mall Cop was his favorite movie, I doubted his taste in film for the briefest moment, but oh God, did God prove me wrong. The dude is absorbing cinema at a whole different level. I mean, this is the same guy who came up with mountains and diamonds and fish, of course He knows what He's talking about. I should never have doubted God, and now I know that when I die from COVID-19, God will be gaining another little film bro in heaven.

Phil Robertson is no stranger to controversy, previously comparing homosexuality to bestiality.

Not one to disappoint an expectant audience, the Duck Dynasty star told his congregation at the White's Ferry Road Church in West Monroe, La. that they will never contract an STD - IF they practice "biblically correct sex."

"Biblically correct sex is safe," Phil said. "It's safe. You're not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS. If a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you're not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases."

Hmmmm.

"The Bible said one man, one woman: that's what [God] made to begin with. For this reason, we have a male and a female. For that reason, those two can come together and be married. And when they marry, what God has joined together, let man not separate."

According to Phil, the "orthodox liberal opinion" is to blame for "so many terrible, debilitating diseases." Frankly we'd take a bit of the old herp any day over being stuck with the wrong person for the rest of our lives...

 

Kelis always comes up with something new and different every time she releases an album, and it looks like the upcoming Food will be no different.

In the music video for the album's latest (killer) single, "Rumble," Kelis sits on a chair, in the middle of the lake, while a few bearded rednecks do some fishing around her. That's it.

We actually love it (only Kelis can pull this ish off), but unfortunately, the fishermen look like a reference to Duck Dynasty -- which we hope is just a coincidence and not intentional. Kelis racked up a rather large fanbase with her 2010 EDM album, Flesh Tone, so Duck Dynasty is the last reality show she should be referencing.

Duck Dynasty stars, the Robertsons may look like ZZ Top, but they are all about family and tradition…. and oh, did we mention…. more than a little bit country?!!

In an exclusive interview with Popdust, John Luke Robertson and Sadie (she’s the really pretty one without the big beard for those two or three people in the country who have never watched the show) talk all about their new album, Duck The Halls; their musical influences; what a true down home Christmas is like and their new year resolutions!

Duck Dynasty Christmas Special

Popdust: Can you tell us about the album?

JL: The album is really everything that Duck Dynasty stands for. It is the whole family coming together and singing and working together. It is funny, and we are just having a good time.

Popdust: Who are your musical influences?

JL: I don’t try to sing like anyone. I have my own thing going on. I’ll stick with that!

Sadie: I guess Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean are our boys! They have been friends with my dad for forever, so we always listen to them and enjoy getting to see all of the things they get to do and see them win all of their awards and stuff. They are pretty awesome.

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Popdust: What's Christmas like in the Robertson household? Family traditions?

JL: Christmas Eve we visit my mom’s side of the family and we have talent shows, “Black Santa,” all kinds of games like that. Christmas morning we wake up and have Christmas at our house. Whoever gets downstairs first gets to open up the first present, so we just wake up and run! Later on, we go over to one set of my grandparents’ and then at night we go to Papaw Phil and Mamaw Kay’s and have our big, Louisiana-style Christmas. There is tons of seafood and Cajun food! That is always my favorite, because the entire family is there and the food is amazing. It is just something special.

Popdust: What's up next for you guys?

Sadie: The show -- I think that we have many more seasons ahead, so everyone can get excited about that. And with my life, I am actually about to start writing a book – so that is pretty new.  I am looking forward to getting started. We will see how this goes!

Popdust: Planning any new year's resolutions?

JL: Absolutely not! I don’t make promises that I can’t keep.

Duck The Halls!

Sadie: I am thinking about it. I don’t know what I am going to do yet. I have heard of people doing thedifferent “fruits of the spirit” from the Bible. You choose a fruit of the spirit and then you practice it throughout the whole year and make sure you do something to work on it. You have to read a verse that has to do with the word that you pick. I am thinking about doing that; I think it would help me grow spiritually a lot, but I haven’t picked the word yet.

You can purchase Duck The Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas on iTunes now!

Barbara Walters has released her annual “10 most fascinating people” list—and you won’t believe who made the cut.

It’s the last year Walters will be making her pick, as she’s retiring in 2014—and Popdust has the rundown on her choices.

The number one will be announced during her TV special which airs December 18, but in the meantime here’s her nine.

2. Kim Kardashian

3. Kanye West

4. Jennifer Lawrence

5. Miley Cyrus

6. Edward Snowden

7. Robin Roberts

8. Prince George (baby son of Prince William and Kate Middleton and third in line to the British throne.)

9. and 10. two of the stars of Duck Dynasty (whose names have yet to be announced)

What do you think about Walters’ choices? Sound off in comments below and tweet us @Popdust

A Very Brief Cher Lloyd Timeline

1993: Born.

2010: Finalist on British X Factor.

2011: "Swagger Jagger"

2012: WORLD DOMINATION.

Perhaps that's a bit intense, but Cher Lloyd did become one of the most successful UK exports of 2012 without being a boy band. How'd she do it? We like to think this interview she gave us aptly sums up her greatness. (Incidentally, it also contains history's finest use of the word "nunny.")

Besides being astonishingly likeable and quirky, the Malvern native also knows how to record a hit song. "Want U Back" is one of the best songs of 2012 (check out our list of the top 100!) with a vocal grunt so powerful that you can't help but imitate it every time you take a shower (...or at least we can't). We asked her about said grunt and about her plans for further planetary domination in 2013. (Also, her favorite TV show will quack you up. You'll see. And you'll laugh.)

2012 was a big year for you. Do you know that?

Ha, I suppose it was!

Did you have a New Year's resolution going into 2012?

I never make resolutions because I feel that, you know, things happen for a reason. I think, you know, we're pushed to our limit all the time. My thing was that I definitely knew I was going to work very hard because I needed much more from my career than what I was getting before. I felt as though I wasn't getting as much as I should be getting back from everyone. That's because I was in the UK and the UK is very small and I needed a bigger challenge. I feel that's probably the reason this year has gone so well.

VOTE For Cher Lloyd's "Want U Back" in Our Greatest Song of 2012 Tournament!

Right. Moving from the UK, what was the biggest thing that had to change?

Nothing really had to change. Just me coming over. Giving it a go! This year has been a crucial year for me to decide whether this career is gonna work out or not.

...You're 19. When I was 19 I was not thinking, "This is my make it or break it year!"

Ha, well, I felt that way!

I know you've been busy being a superstar, but what's been your biggest pop culture discovery this year?

Dynasty!

The soap opera?

No. Duck Dynasty.

What is Duck Dynasty? Should I know what this is?

You should. It's this family that runs a duck call business.

Interesting. Why should I watch this?

I just love the family. I think they're really funny, cool people. I'd like to spend the day with them.

I doubt they'd mind sharing a day with Cher Lloyd…

Ha, I'd be honored!

Other than meeting the Duck Dynasty family, what's your big goal for the future?

My ultimate plan is to make an album a year, and that's what I'm going to do. So, next year, starting in January, I'm going to get straight to the studio and get an album out straight away.

Is there a song you're dying to write?

I am ready to kick it up to the next level. I can't stay a bubblegum princess forever.

RELATED: The 100 Greatest Songs of 2012, From Taylor Swift to Twin Shadow

Maybe a song about Duck Dynasty.

Yes! There's a guy in it called Si, and I'd love to have him do a verse on one of my songs. I think it'd be great.

Again, I don't think he'd say no to this. I'm looking at his picture, I really don't think so.

We'll see. Fingers crossed.

What was your favorite concert you did this year?

You know what, when I did the Today Show. I loved that very much. I've done so much this year, I know this is bad, but I forget specific concerts.

What are your thoughts on the word "YOLO."

I've been told that word isn't very cool.

It was once cool!

I don't really get all of these silly made up words. I just stick with pure English.

Gotcha. So, in "Want U Back," what's the story behind that awesome "UGH" grunt.

Basically, I couldn't hit a particular note, so I grunted and they just looped it throughout the whole song.

What note was it?

It might have been that long note.

Oh yeah, the one with the riff on the last chorus?

Wow, you've listened to this song a lot.

I have!

I love America.