Donald Trump hates radical liberal E.T.

In response to the flagship Evangelical Christian magazine, Christianity Today, publishing a post-impeachment rebuke of Donald Trump and a call for his removal from office, Donald Trump bafflingly responded by bashing E.T., the beloved Steven Spielberg movie, which he also thinks is a book for some reason.

"I won't be reading ET again!" tweeted the impeached president, his brain likely mid-hemorrhage.

But if Donald Trump is under the impression that E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is against him, that begs the question: What other movies does Donald Trump think are out to get him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom A possible photograph of Jones in his Jew temple of doom.

Donald Trump has heard rumblings of a Jewish coup in Indiana, and while he hasn't been able to lock down the source yet, he has his top men on the case. Here's what the Trump administration has uncovered so far:

1. There is a Jewish man with the surname Jones somewhere in Indiana. Jones is not a traditional Jewish surname, which Trump finds suspicious.

2. Jews are untrustworthy and so are their temples, which Trump's sources have informed him are also called "synagogues." Creepy.

3. Jones is affiliated with a Jewish temple which will bring about "Doom," a concept that Mike Pence frequently references. Mike Pence is also from Indiana. Coincidence? Trump thinks not.

Mike Pence Donald Trump's special friend, Mike Pence. White House

4. Jews love money, so they must love Trump. But white supremacists are also very fine people, and Jews are probably not white. Could this be Jones' reason for starting his Temple of Doom in Indiana? What terrors does Jones have in store for Mike Pence and the good Christian folk of Indiana? Jewish trickery, no doubt.

Back to the Future

Back to the Future Evidence of old man with secret Jewish technology.

Back to the Future and "Make America Great Again" basically mean the same thing, or at least that's what Donald Trump thinks. What liberal trickery is behind this blatant attempt to steal his campaign slogan? Donald Trump isn't sure, but he has top men working on the case. Their discoveries are as follows:

1. There is an old man who built a time machine. Jew?
2. Michael J. Fox is in cahoots with this old man. Michael J. Fox is confirmed to be Jewish. This has deep state written all over. Must investigate further. Also, Michael J. Fox has become younger somehow?
3. Michael J. Fox and the old (Jewish?) man keep referring to Trump as Biff Tannen. Donald Trump has assumed many aliases to lie about himself, but never Biff Tannen. Could Biff Tannen be a new Donald Trump alias from the future?

Biff Tannen A cool picture of Donald Trump with a gun.

4. It seems likely that the democrats have funded illegal Jew technology to both make Michael J. Fox younger and convince Donald Trump to change his name to Biff Tannen in the future. Biff Tannen is a pretty cool name, but there's a missing puzzle piece here. Could this possibly be related to Jones from Indiana?

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Return of the Jedi Sneaky Hollywood Jews with Jewish technology.

Those damn Hollywood Jew liberals are behind the coup. Donald Trump knew it all along, but this is the proof he needed. It's right there in writing, clear as day: Star Wars. The Hollywood stars are planning to wage a war against the Trump administration, and they were stupid enough to put it out on billboards. But what is this Return of the Jedi gobbledygook all about? Donald Trump can't figure it out, but he has top men on the case. Their investigation has proven fruitful thus far, revealing:

1. A cabal of Jewish liberal Hollywood stars are prepping for a literal war against Donald Trump.
2. Their leader is a young Michael J. Fox. It is unclear how Michael J. Fox has aged backwards, but there is photographic evidence. Where did the Jews obtain this technology, and how can it be reclaimed for Americans?

Young Michael J Fox How did Michael J. Fox become younger?

3. The Hollywood elites are operating out of a secret Jewish temple, or "synagogue," based in Indiana.

4. Jedi might be a misspelling? Hollywood liberals are dumb. Could it be...Jeb?

Jeb Bush George W. Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, might be the key.

5. Is Jeb Bush involved? This is all starting to make sense.

6. Okay, the Hollywood liberals, lead by young Michael J. Fox, are stockpiling Jew technology at a temple in Indiana. Their goal is to resurrect Jeb Bush's failed presidential campaign, except with a better slogan than "JEB!" which is why they're trying to copy MAGA. They're probably also planning to make him younger, just like they did with Michael J. Fox. They also plan to convince Donald Trump to adopt the moniker "Biff Tannen," but to what end is still unknown. Their ultimate goal is clearly the doom of America, so we'll need to ask Mike Pence more about what that might entail. He's always quoting a book about it, so maybe he can be our secret weapon. Further investigation is required, but this is definitely shaping up to be the greatest scandal in America history, perhaps even more dangerous to our way of life than Sicario 2.
CULTURE

How Memes Sparked an Area 51 Invasion

1 million people have said they're going to Area 51 to meet the aliens. Is this the result of a collective millennial/Gen-Z desire to die, to revolt, or a little bit of both?

It started as most revolutions start: rather innocuously, the product of a half-hearted joke that managed to hit a nerve.

The first whispers of an Area 51 invasion began with a Facebook event called "Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us." Hosted by three primary parties—"Shitposting cause im in shambles," "Smyleekun," and "The Hidden Sound"—the page quickly amassed support, with a total of 1 million users committing to "going" as of Monday, July 15.

Several plans of attack have been proposed: "We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry. If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Let's see them aliens," posted one of the group's creators.

Other plans were more detailed, dividing raiders into ranks. Revolutionaries could identify themselves as "Karens," "Kyles," "Tylers," and "Daltons," among other things. Karens are, presumably, momager-types, aggressive and fast-talking women. One proposal suggested that we send a "Karen" with "no-nonsense hair" to the front gate to attempt peaceful negotiations; should that fail, the Kyles, pumped up on energy drinks, would be unleashed.

According to Know Your Meme, "Kyle is an online caricature of a white boy referenced as an antagonistic character in memes. Similar to how Karen is used online, 'Kyle' jokes parody of a certain kind of person with a set of characteristics one associates with the name; in 'Kyle's' case, these are characteristics of an angry white male teenager. 'Kyle' is generally presented as rage-filled and aggressive, and he is a fan of Monster Energy Drinks and Axe body spray, which has been documented in the Kyle Punches Drywall meme." In essence, Kyle is the heart and soul of the Area 51 attack. Perhaps Kyle is the heart and soul of the fragile, toxic masculinity at the core of America, or more likely, Kyle is the wreckage left behind when this fragile masculinity reveals itself for the hollow shell that it is.

From there, the memes blossomed like fireworks on the Fourth of July, filling the web with increasingly outlandish theories about what it might be like to actually "see them aliens."




The Call of Area 51

While the Area 51 invasion might be more based in absurdity and conspiracy theory than anything else, the amount of support it's has amassed is not a joke. The U.S. Air Force is scared, as they should be, because the popularity of this event is proof that the people have the capability to organize and take down the government, should they so desire. "[Area 51] is an open training range for the U.S. Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces...The U.S. Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets," stated the Air Force, confirming that it knows about the planned raid, and that it's prepared to defend whatever it's hiding inside the base, even at the cost of citizens' lives. That's right: a Facebook meme has the U.S. Military on alert.

Why Area 51? The super-secret military base in the Nevada desert has long been at the center of conspiracy theories that which propose the US government is hiding aliens inside. Other theories include the belief that the government is conducting experiments on teleportation and time travel inside the base.

There's a definitive allure to the prospect of discovering alien life, and that certainly plays a role in the interest. More likely, Area 51 is so alluring because of what it symbolizes. In some ways, it's the perfect representation of the distrust that American people feel in their government and in the state of the world.

In its surreal, almost mystical absurdity, Area 51 just might be the perfect symbolic portrayal of our postmodern hellscape, which seems to be entirely run by the Koch Brothers, juul companies, and tech bros who have achieved god-like status, like Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk. Area 51 feels like it could be the source of whatever oozing, radioactive substance has made the world the way it is today. In a way, it's represents the Truth in a world beyond truth.

In light of this, planning to storm Area 51 via memes feels like a way of meeting our world's absurdity—be it the government's, the Internet's, or any of life's many other oddities—on its own terms.

Even more fascinating than the causes of the proposed Area 51 raid, though, is the rapidity with which the event gained traction. Its success reveals that a full-on political revolution is really just one meme page away. The success of the Area 51 venture shows that it's not hard to amass the kind of support needed to make the government take notice—and that's at least a start.

So grab your Monster drinks, Karens and Kyles of the world, and channel that rage into some hefty Photoshopping. You just might be our best hope at a revolution yet.




CULTURE

Lori Loughlin Pleads Not Guilty: Thought She Was “Breaking Rules, not Laws"

In the latest development with the college admissions cheating scandal, a source reports that the former 'Full House' star feels "manipulated."

JOSEPH PREZIOSO/AFP/Getty Images

Lori Loughlin and her husband Massimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to all charges –– conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, honest services mail and wire fraud, and conspiracy to commit money laundering –– in the scandal surrounding the college admissions scam.

The couple was accused of paying $500,000 to get their daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella, into USC as crew recruitments, despite the fact that neither of them participates in the sport.

A source close to Loughlin told ET, "[Lori and her husband] claim they were under the impression they might be breaking rules, but not laws," and that "they feel they were manipulated by those involved and are planning that as part of their defense."

After the initial charges, Loughlin and Giannulli were indicted on a second charge of conspiring to commit fraud and money laundering on April 9th, on top of the initial charge of conspiracy to commit mail fraud. The second charge came after Loughlin did not accept the plea bargain that would have allowed for a minimum two and a half year sentence and no additional money laundering charges. People reported on a source close to Loughlin who stated that at the time of rejecting the plea deal, she "didn't really realize how serious the charges were."

If convicted, Loughlin and Giannulli could serve up to 20 years in prison for each charge, totaling a maximum of 40 years. According to TMZ, the couple faces a minimum time of four years and nine months.

Another source told E! News, "Lori really believes she isn't guilty and that any parent would have done the same thing that she did if they were in that position."

Up until the second indictment, Loughlin was apparently under the impression that she would not be going to jail and instead expected a "slap on the wrist," according to ET. Now that the new charges are raised, things are looking far more dire.

One source told People: "[The prosecutors] are saying that the only way anyone's going to escape jail time is if they go to trial and are found not guilty."

It goes to show that trusting a con man running a fake charity to get your daughters into college is not the best move.


Sara is a music and culture writer who lives in Brooklyn. Her work has previously appeared in PAPER magazine and Stereogum.


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MUSIC

Ed Sheeran helps Bruno Mars celebrate his 33rd birthday

The playful duo appeared on Twitter.

Bruno Mars just turned 33 yesterday — and how did he celebrate his big three three? By hiring Ed Sheeran to serenade him, of course.

The 'Uptown Funk' singer ate cake backstage at Nashville's Bridgestone Arena on his '24K Magic Tour' while Sheeran sang 'Happy Birthday.' The hilarious video made its way to Mars' Twitter and fans went wild for the onscreen bromance.

The lyrics seem pretty standard, but then Sheeran addressed Mars as 'Dear Two Time Super Bowl performing Bruno' instead of the usual boring name plug. Mars obviously approves as he cuts into his birthday cake, marked with his name and surrounded by smaller cupcakes. Mars then tells Sheeran 'Again!' and the 'Shape of You' singer reluctantly complies.

The Twitter video is playfully captioned 'You know you've made it when you can hire Ed Sheeran to sing you Happy Birthday!' and I have to agree. I mean, I've never been serenaded by anyone remotely as famous as Ed Sheeran!

This isn't the first we've seen of this bromance either — Sheeran once told ET in an interview that he and Mars 'hang out' in the studio. Sheeran also expressed his respect and admiration for 'Finesse' and its music video saying that it wouldn't have been as cool if he were in it.

And of course, you can't post a video like this without the usual Bruno Mars stans replying on Twitter. Following the funky singer, they've dubbed Oct. 8 as #HappyBrunoMarsDay, filling the hashtag full of memes and congratulations.


Even some celebrities came to Twitter to wish Mars a Happy Birthday, such as Missy Elliott and Ellen DeGeneres.


Bruno Mars is having an amazing year right now — he recently released 'Wake Up in the Sky' with Kodak Black and Gucci Mane and announced the Finale of his 24K Magic Tour. Mars also has five of the Top 600 Biggest Songs of All Time on the Billboard Hot 100 and received an EMMY nomination for Outstanding Music Direction. Mars won the BET Award for Best Male R&B/Pop Artist for 2018 and was nominated for 15 Billboard music awards.


Amber Wang is a freelancer for Popdust, Gearbrain and various other sites. She is also a student at NYU, a photographer and a marketing intern.

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Whoa!

Katy Perry looks totally unrecognizable on the cover of the new Wonderland magazine!

The 30-year-old is known for changing her hair color, and over the years has rocked just about every hue you can think of—even managing to change her hair color twice in one night at the Grammys—going from lavender on the red carpet to jet black on the stage.

But platinum blonde is definitely a new look, and it kinda suits her…which, may be because she’s actually a natural blonde!

Yep, really!

In line with Perry’s love of rocking new looks, Wonderland shot three different covers of Katy in three different personas—one with the platinum blonde ‘do, and two with a deep red bobbed wig.

According to the magazine:

The covers see the pop chameleon showcasing just how versatile she is, adorned in Fendi, Christian Dior and Chanel. We’re sure you’ll agree she looks mesmerizing, after all as Katy put it it’s one of the favorite shoots I’ve ever done.

Well, she certainly looks a damn site better than she did on Monday night at the Met Ball in NYC.

Wearing a horrific fishtailed Moschino graffiti dress, long gloves and carrying a spray paint can-handbag thing, Perry, complete with a 'Kris Jenner’ black pixie wig, scored a complete red carpet fashion fail.

But perhaps there was more to that Kris Jenner wig than meets the eye—as, it turns out Perry is a HUGE fan of the momager, along with the rest of the Kardashian klan.

“Kris Jenner is very important to me," Perry raved to ET. "That is not sarcastic at all. She has a great sense of humor and she's kind of like the mother of everyone.

"I was thinking the other day, we've all had our own commentary on the Kardashians, but if they hadn't existed, we wouldn't have had the fantastic Bruce Jenner who is just evolving everybody right now with all of his wonderfulness. So, the Kardashians in my book are completely valid."

Little Mix's debut album, DNA, drops in America this week, and with it comes "Red Planet," an extraterrestrial jam about falling for a man who is quite literally from Mars. This got us thinking of our favorite subgenre of love song, the kind in which the narrator meets a sultry alien, and then has sex with him/her/it. You laugh, but there are more of them than you'd think! To honor Little Mix's Martian lust, we're presenting our list of the five best songs about alien sex.

Honorable Mention: "Space Cowboy" by 'N Sync, which we were this close to including, until we looked at the lyrics and discovered that while it is a song about having sex in space, both partners in this interstellar intercourse are humans from the planet Earth. Sorry, boys! You've got to have zero-gravity hookups with aliens to make it on this list.

5. THE LONELY ISLAND, "INCREDIBAD"

Gains points for sheer ridiculousness, loses points for being on a comedy album. The best sex-with-aliens songs refuse to let you know whether they're in on the joke or not.

4. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, "SPACESHIP COUPE"

Like most of the songs on The 20/20 Experience, "Spaceship Couple" goes on way too long—seven minutes!—which makes it hard at first listen to grasp exactly how silly it is. And it is a very silly song: Justin lays out excatly how his star-date (with a woman who "everybody knows [is] from outer space") will go down: First they'll fly around in JT's personal spacecraft, then they'll make love—on the moon. Think too hard about the spacesuit logistics of such and act and you'll end up looking like this.

3. LITTLE MIX, "RED PLANET"

The porn-music guitars in the intro give it away: When it comes to space-coitus, the girls of Little Mix are into having sex, not making love. In this case, they're practically begging for some hot Martian loving. "Boy, you make it hot on your red planet, turn it up on your red planet." Whatever it is about Martians that makes them righteous lovers goes unexplained, but it's got to be something good. As the girls sing later: "I never want it to end, do it over again, do it over again, do it over again."  (Of course, there is the small chance that "make it hot" just means the girls wanted their Martian man to turn up the thermostat; as NASA explains, "Mars may look hot, but donʼt let its color fool you. Mars is actually pretty cold!")

2. KATY PERRY FT. KANYE WEST, "E.T."

Abysmal racial politics aside, this is the heavyweight of alien-sex songs, with Perry positively shouting about how much she wants to be "abducted" by her alien lover and Kanye taking up his role with gleeful abandon. "I know a bar out in Mars where they drive spaceships instead of cars," he raps. "Tell you what's next: alien sex / I'ma disrobe you / then I'm gonna probe you." It's not good per se, but it was a no. 1 hit, doing more to legitimize the concept of alien sex with mainstream listeners than any other song on this list.

1. R. KELLY, "SEX PLANET"

When you're ranking songs about bizarre forms of lovemaking, you're going to have Robert Kelly at the top of the list. This is a man, after all, who's dubbed himself a "Sexasaurus" in a song about a sex zoo. Like the Lonely Island, you know he's in on the joke; unlike them, though, he plays the space-sex gag completely straight.  It's enough to make you wish that R. Kelly really did have sex with aliens, instead of the people he seems to favor in real life.