A girl can dream.
American Horror Story is gearing up for its 10th season, and Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Finn Wittrock, Lily Rabe, and Kathy Bates are signed up to return. So is Macaulay Culkin, and that fact alone is the only reason that I might actually watch the show.
Don't get me wrong: I loved AHS when it first came out. Murder House disturbed me more than most horror flicks ever have, and Asylum and Coven were both wonderously twisted and genuinely well-written. But somewhere along the way, things started getting formulaic. The excess of violence felt less purposeful and more like empty gore. The campiness felt less resonant, the characters less sympathetic. By Hotel, I was done.
I never thought I'd return to American Horror Story. I did binge-watch Roanoke during a rather low period in college, but watching that miserable show actually might qualify as self-harm more than anything else. I stumbled on someone watching an episode of 1984 while home for the weekend and felt my insides shriveling up like the baby corpses in the basement of the murder house.
Then, AHS announced that Macaulay Culkin is joining the cast this season. They haven't yet announced the series' title, but I am sincerely hoping that we'll be graced with American Horror Story: Macaulay Culkin, starring Macaulay Culkin as himself.
That might be the only hope the series has left. Culkin could star as a haunted, washed-up former child actor who continues to relive the traumas of his notorious near-death experiences during the filming of Home Alone. The whole thing could be a commentary on childhood and memory and the thin lines between commodity and tragedy. It could be about the commodification of violence in Hollywood and mostly just about Macaulay Culkin, waking up screaming in the night as he hears yet another killer trying to break into his home.
Most likely, AHS's 10th season will be called something like "AHS: Martians," "AHS: Zombies" or "AHS: Beach House." I may also be converted by a show called "AHS: Climate Change," but that might be too real.
You can watch the ominous and admittedly aesthetically pleasing first glimpse below, via Ryan Murphy's Instagram account:
Despite all the headlines that have spread rumors about him over the years, Culkin actually seems to be doing quite well. He's dating Brenda Song, and he has a satire website called Bunny Ears, a podcast with 100+ episode, and two cats named Apple and Dude. He was once in a pizza-themed comedy band and his legal name is "Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin." And now we'll get to see him embroiled in at least a few brutal murders.
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The hit musical will drop on Disney+ July 3rd.
Lin Manuel-Miranda's Hamilton has taken the theater world by storm since its 2015 Broadway premiere.
A hip-hop musical about America's founding fathers doesn't sound immediately appealing, but Manuel-Miranda's brilliant song writing and diverse casting not only captured the attention of audiences, but proved that major change is possible within an art form as encumbered by traditions as musical theater.
Can you distinguish the truth from the lies? No Googling!
1. Woody Harrelson's dad was a contract killer.
ABC via Getty Images
2. Mark Ruffalo threw a cheeseburger at a McDonald's employee.
3. Jim Parsons collects taxidermied dogs.
4. Cameron Diaz burned down a steak house for the insurance money.
5. Evan Peters set up a Tinder date with a fan and then sent his brother instead.
6. Bryan Cranston spent a year in college practicing Islam.
7. Grimes once covered herself in feces for an art installation.
Ready for the answers?
Woody Harrelson's dad actually was a contract killer.
Everything else is a lie. Yeah. That's right. You most likely believed at least two absurd things without any evidence because I lied to you in a clickbait headline. Be honest with yourself. Did you, for even a second, believe that any of those "facts" were real? If you did, you don't need to feel bad. The goal here isn't to make you feel stupid.
But take a moment to reflect. What if one of the "facts" I stated was so incendiary that it would make any rational person angry? What if I believed it was true, too, and instead of stating it as part of a dumb Internet article, I spread it around on social media demanding action. If you believed anything I said was true, then congratulations, you're BS detector is bad enough that you're susceptible to social media mob mentality, quite possibly targeting people who didn't actually do anything wrong.
Your opinion isn't a fact, and facts aren't up for debate. Triple-factcheck everything you read online, and make sure those sources are reliable; that's why reliable articles provide links and give accurate sources. Don't believe random accounts on Twitter or Instagram, don't believe every YouTuber, and don't believe every talking head, either. Stop being a sheep.
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