CULTURE

7 People Besides Greta Thunberg Who Need Donald Trump's "Anger Management" Advice

Why are these people always getting mad about major societal injustices?

Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg arrives to deliver a speech at the Assemblee Nationale, French parliament, in Paris, France, 23 July 2019.

Photo by IAN LANGSDON/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

In the wake of Time Magazine's selection of Greta Thunberg as their "Person of the Year", critics of science, ice caps, and the existence of youth have come out of the woodwork to criticize the choice.

She's a scold! A puppet! She's "mentally ill!" She's too young to have anything of value to say! But perhaps none have had more trenchant criticisms of Thunberg than the two Donald Trumps, both Junior and Senile. Don Jr. lashed out at Time for overlooking the Hong Kong protesters, a common thread among critics of Time's choice.

After all, the protests have been going on for more than six months now, and they give Americans an excuse to ignore the protests in the Middle East and Latin America—which implicate US foreign policy—and focus on the crimes of mainland China and the thank you messages to Trump. Instead of honoring the people who honored his father, Time Magazine devoted their cover to, in Junior's words, "a marketing gimmick."

It's unclear which marketing department came up with Greta Thunberg. The planet's? Generations-of-people-yet-to-be-born's? Whatever Madison Avenue genius came up with an impassioned teenage girl with Asperger's trying to save the world, give that guy the Don Draper award for clever gimmicks. Bravo. Never would've thought of it myself.


https://twitter.com/GretaThunberg


Not to be outdone though, President Trump tweeted some advice for Greta. Apparently, she needs to work on her "Anger Management problem" and stop involving herself in the grown-up business of destroying the future. Instead, President Trump advised that she should just "go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend. Chill Greta, Chill!" And she took his advice—yay!— altering her Twitter bio to reflect this sage wisdom from one of her biggest moral role models.

With this rousing success, maybe Trump should consider sending similar advice to some other angry people. Here are some current and former rageaholics who could really use a Trump-brand chill pill.

The Parkland Teens

"If you don't do anything to prevent this from continuing to occur, that number of gunshot victims will go up and the number that they are worth will go down. And we will be worthless to you."

Wow, calm down, Emma Gonzalez, why don't you go to a water park or something to take your mind off the trauma you've experienced and the lack of action to address this uniquely American type of horrifying violence.

FDR

"Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

Damn, Frankie, hold a grudge much? You're almost as bad as your boy Winston "Beach-Fight" Churchill. I know you guys are worried about those Axis powers trying to take over the world, but why don't you go fly a kite and see how you feel in the morning.

Rosa Parks

"The only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

Geez, it's just a bus seat—and the systematic oppression of black Americans that deprives them of society's best resources and the opportunities to improve their lives. Go get a couple scoops of ice cream and you'll feel better.

The Standing Rock Sioux

"The invisibility of our humanity in this country is literally killing our women; they are offered up as easy prey and their disappearances are often lacking consequences for the perpetrators."

Okay, Chairman Archambault, so the decision to run a hazardous oil pipeline through your tribal lands actually points to a general disregard for the humanity of indigenous peoples, and that results in terrifying mistreatment. But have you considered going to a good old fashioned game of baseball? Might help you relax.

Simone De Beauvoir

"All oppression creates a state of war. And this is no exception."

What is it with these feminist political thinkers always getting so hot under the collar about not having the same rights, freedoms, and legal recognitions as men? Just go to a barbecue and stop worrying so much!

James Baldwin

"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."

Okay, James, but have you tried not being relatively conscious? Try huffing some good old-fashioned ether, or downing a couple bottles of high-strength chill pills.

Now if these other hotheads would just take President Trump's sound advice before the year is over, maybe Time will change their minds, and give "Person of the Year" to the kind of calm, chilled out person who deserves it.

CULTURE

Pantone Anounces Shockingly Political Choice for Their 2020 "Color of the Year"

No one expected an endorsement of Bernie Sanders... And also, no one else noticed it

Image edited to reflect author's perspective

Screenshot via Instagram

In a stunning revelation, Pantone shed their usual apolitical stance and used their 2020 "Color of the Year" announcement to all-but-explicitly endorse Bernie Sanders' candidacy for president.

Widely known for providing color standardization for graphic design and fashion, Pantone took a risk—in an era when many people deride the politicization of previously non-partisan activities—by announcing "Classic Blue" for 2020. Breaking from traditional, non-partisan colors like 2019's Living Coral, they veered past centrist choices like "Calm Blue," or "Amtrak Blue" to boost the "Classic Blue": a clear nod to the New Deal Democrat approach of Bernie Sanders.



While Pantone didn't mention Bernie Sanders, or any other candidate—or any political issues whatsoever—in their announcement, it's not hard for a politically obsessive weirdo like me to read between the lines and find hidden messages throughout. Allow me to guide you through their sly endorsement of the Senator from Vermont.

Classic Blue, also known as Pantone 19-4052—even this numerical code references the 1940-52 FDR-Truman era of robust social programs and high taxes on the wealthy— is described as "timeless and enduring hue elegant in its simplicity." Pantone further claims that it "highlights our desire for a dependable and stable foundation on which to build as we cross the threshold into a new era." This perfect summation of both the New Deal vision and Bernie Sanders consistent approach to policy over the last four decades encapsulates Pantone's recognition that while Sanders is perceived as "radical" from the perspective of Clintonian neoliberals, he actually represents a return to old school Democratic values that have been systematically stripped out of American politics since the 1970s.

Unlike many candidates—and colors—that would have us focus on the suffocating limitations of the status quo, Bernie and Classic Blue both point to "the vast and infinite evening sky [which] encourages us to look beyond the obvious to expand our thinking; challenging us to think more deeply, increase our perspective and open the flow of communication." And while many candidates—and colors—have allowed the shifting winds of public opinion to dictate their positions, we can look to Bernie and Classic Blue for the "constancy and confidence that is expressed by Pantone 19-4052 Classic Blue, a solid and dependable blue hue we can always rely on,"


American Horizon | Bernie Sanderswww.youtube.com


In recent decades, we've taken it in stride that even "progressive" politicians will lie to us, make cuts to social programs that people rely on, and maintain America's militaristic approach to foreign policy. Bernie represents a shift from that form of politics, which is why he's gained so much popularity in this era of turmoil. In times like these, according to Pantone, "it is easy to understand why we gravitate to colors that are honest and offer the promise of protection. Non-aggressive and easily relatable, the trusted PANTONE 19-4052 Classic Blue lends itself to relaxed interaction."

In case the message wasn't clear enough, at the unveiling event Pantone provided accompanying sensory experiences to represent the spirit of "Classic Blue" including a "soft velvety texture,"—not unlike a smooth Bernie—and a soundscape that captures "vivid nostalgia." Ahem.

With Pantone's endorsement now in the bag for Bernie, expect the other candidates to begin jockeying for the coveted Crayola seal of approval.