MUSIC

Your House Can Smell Like Erykah Badu's Hoo-Hah

The neo-soul singer is one-upping Gwyneth Paltrow's intimate-smelling candles.

First, Gwyneth Paltrow wanted to sell us a candle that smells like her vagina (which has since sold out).

Now, R&B legend Erykah Badu is giving Goop a run for their money with her own rather intimate scent, soon to hit the market. It's called "Badu's Pussy," and it's a fragrance intended to smell just like, well, the singer's lady bits.

Since first emerging with her jazzy soul music in the '90s, Badu has become known for her offbeat, at times even occultish aura. But the magic doesn't stop at her spellbinding lyricism. "There's an urban legend that my pussy changes men," Badu told 10 Magazine. "The men that I fall in love with, and fall in love with me, change jobs and lives." Now you, too, can be charmed by the wizardry of her hoo-hah.

According to 10, the scent will be sold in incense form, ensuring that all of your meditation sessions and dinner parties will have the perfectly musky aroma of Badu's crotch. But how to achieve such a distinct odor, you ask?

"I took lots of pairs of my panties, cut them up into little pieces and burned them," Badu added. "Even the ash is part of it." No big loss, though; Badu has been going commando for quite some time. "The people deserve it!"


I wonder if Badu's Pussy will come in a perfume form. I'm sure the strangers I share my morning commute with on the subway would appreciate me smelling like such enchanted genitalia. You can buy the incense from Badu's new online store, launching February 20.

Satire

Elder Gods Apologize for Delay in Rollout of the Apocalypse

Production on the end of the world has been a mess since day one

With June of 2020 nearly here and no sign of the final cataclysm we've been promised, it's beginning to seem like The End Times will forever be near, without ever being upon us.

While the early phases of civilization's collapse into a burning hellscape were promising, progress on the more dramatic culmination of armageddon has been repeatedly stalled by restructuring, miscommunication, and the high rate of turnover within the ranks of the Great Old Ones' loyal subjects.

"The slow burn is great and all," said John Knӕlgghyrt, née Phillips, who was briefly the high priest of Cthulhu's Dark Order—prior to being scooped unceremoniously into his lord's tentacled maw—"but trying to get the big stuff done has been a real challenge." The main struggle he points to is the lack of cohesion and structural order among the death cult working haplessly to hasten Earth's return to a state of desolation and chaos. "It's like herding cats sometimes. Insane, death-obsessed cats."

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The greatest threat to the human race has always been our own bodies.

Our vulnerability to infectious diseases has caused the greatest calamities in recorded history, from the Black Plague to the astounding threat still posed by the common flu. But behind each health catastrophe is a story of blind greed or hubris, with humans spreading diseases due to rampant consumption, ecological destruction, or just plain ol' bureaucracy. Such is the case with the coronavirus, which, despite emerging in humans only recently, has made historic disruptions to everyday life. The World Health Organization recently declared the virus a pandemic, in addition to being a global emergency.

Luckily, we have movies to turn to in times like these to educate us on how to survive (and prevent) a global pandemic. So what can we learn from virus outbreak movies?

1. Contagion

Contagion is an especially relevant thriller that follows the global spread of a deadly virus, along with researchers' attempts to contain and cure the disease. As the plot progresses across several lines of perspective, we witness the mass social disorder caused by the pandemic.

But the real twist comes at the end, when we see the virus' source [SPOILER]: A bulldozer plows through a Chinese jungle, which disturbs a bat that infects a pig, which is then handled by a chef who doesn't wash his hands before shaking hands with Gwyneth Paltrow, who is Patient 0. So the lesson here is that the virus is entirely humans' fault for engaging in deforestation, and also wash your f*cking hands.