I can't believe I'm writing this.
After every Halloween, Pornhub–the Internet's favorite purveyor of smut–releases a post-mortem on their Halloween traffic.
These statistics give deep, dark, and spooky insights into the depths of human culture, because when you really think about it, the things we flick our junk to says a lot about how screwed up we are as a society. So, as a handsome stud who couldn't pass a high school acting class might say to his pretend step-sister, let's dive in.
Pornhub's Halloween Traffic Change chart is nice and simple. It shows that, compared to their average numbers, viewership dipped on Halloween night between 2 PM and 11 PM, with a peak -22% low at 7 PM. These numbers line up well with what one might expect, considering those are the hours during which most people are attending Halloween events or, at the very least, attending to trick-or-treaters.
Then, after 11 PM, when they get home from their parties and the trick-or-treaters have all gone to bed, they begin hog-wrangling or bean-tossing at higher-than-average rates. Certainly on Halloween, people are more likely to see something they wouldn't normally see that turns them on. So what are people searching for?
Oh god. So as it turns out, people really, really, really want to f*ck the DC Universe. Harley Quinn and the Joker topped character searches this year by a pretty huge margin, with only "teacher" trailing close behind. Harley Quinn makes sense, to some extent. Her outfits tend to be traditionally sexy and form-fitting, all midriff-revealing tops, mesh leggings, and spandex.
But how is the Joker sexy? He's a literally insane man, and if we're going by the most recent movie, a clinically depressed one too. Is that attractive to women now? Or maybe it's the clown aspect, because women seem to like those a whole lot, too.
A lot of the other searches are just about what you'd expect––women like cowboys and men like sexy bunnies––but a few of them are very troubling. Like, why are women specifically searching for Michael Myers? He is a masked serial killer in a blue jumpsuit, and Jesus H. Christ, is that what women want? I mean, I understand power fantasies, but the man's entire personality is murdering you.
Men aren't off the hook either. Why would you ever want to fuck a zombie? Zombies aren't sexy. They are hotbeds of decay and disease, and sticking your willie into one would definitely cause you to become infected, too. And that's best case scenario. Worst case scenario, it falls off. Is your pecker falling off part of your zombie sex fantasy, because let's be honest here, that would be the reality.
I'm not trying to kink shame here, but human sexuality is terrifying. Women want to f*ck murderers and men want to f*ck corpses. But okay, these are just costumes, and on Halloween, anything goes, right? So let's talk meat and potatoes. What kind of terms are people searching for on Halloween.
"Halloween pumpkin." There was a 6957% increase in the search for "halloween pumpkin." There is only one possible reason that people would be searching for the term "halloween pumpkin" on Pornhub, and the reason is that they want to watch videos of people f*cking pumpkins. In fact, some people with a lower capacity for subtlety straight up searched for "d*ck pumpkin." How big is the market for pumpkin porn? How many pumpkin porn videos exist? There can't be that many, right? Which means that there might be a real opportunity here for innovative pornographers to serve the apparently severely underrepresented market of people who want to watch dudes bone pumpkins. Is there money in pumpkins? Could I make money from porking pumpkins?
BRB, telling my editor I quit.
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Because we're all dying in slow motion.
Blessed be, b*tches!
To be honest, this list began as a sweet throwback to some of the short fiction from our middle school English textbooks that spooked and delighted our tiny, hormonal brains. But because everything is creepier in quarantine, it became a list of dangerously talented horror writers who tap into our overwhelming, buried fears for our own humanity in the face of society's collapse. Some are short short stories and some are works of nightmare fiction that you can't stop reading.
Enjoy your time locked in your house with these haunting reads.
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Aside from the living terror of every live-action Dr. Seuss book ever.
Halloween is the time to refamiliarize ourselves with all our cultural signifiers of extreme horror: aging and decay, malicious supernatural entities, clowns, celebrity cultural appropriation, "Sexy minion" costumes.
But while it's the season to stream perfect, campy horror or high-concept psychological terror, too many films go overlooked. As Rachel Handler recently opined for Vulture, "the scariest horror movie of all time is Revolutionary Road." She praises any movie that is "so perfectly terrifying that it low-key destroys my life and completely ravages my worldview." For some, that film was The Strangers or The Hills Have Eyes. For me, it was 2005's new The Descent. For my co-worker, it was Planet of the Apes (1968) when she was eight.
These films may be best known in niche circles, but they all tap into a visceral sense of disgust and repulsion that seriously make us question whether or not we were better off not watching them at all. So in true Halloween tradition, make some questionably bad choices and fill your mind with more nightmares and regrets. Enjoy!
"A maniacal clown terrorises three young women and anyone else in his way on Halloween night."
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