CULTURE

It's Not about Race: Colorism in Hollywood

Will Smith's latest project sparks debate about colorism in Hollywood, but let's break down the differences between colorism and racism.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith at the 'Aladdin' World Premiere

Photo by DFree (Shutterstock)

King Richard is an upcoming biopic highlighting society's time-honored traditions of competitive sports, underdog victories, and discrimination based on skin color—wait, what?

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Film Lists

5 Beloved Franchises That Hollywood Can Legally Ruin

Find out if your favorite childhood memory is going to be destroyed.

Hollywood options everything nowadays — meaning they buy the rights, or "option," to turn an existing property into a movie or show.

Your favorite book? Optioned. Your favorite comic? Optioned. Your favorite movie that was already a freaking movie in the first place so why would they possibly need to make it again? Oh yeah, that's optioned. That's optioned so hard.

But some things shouldn't be optioned. Not every beloved childhood book is meant to be a blockbuster. Not every cartoon character is intended to be "brought to life" by some generic hunk with too much hair gel. Some things need to be left alone. Because sometimes you know way before a movie or show gets made that it's going to be really, really bad.

The Phantom Tollbooth



If you loved The Phantom Tollbooth novel, an adventure story rife with deep underlying themes about education, the pursuit of knowledge, and sensible governance, you might be happy to know that it's receiving a "live-action/hybrid" film adaptation directed by the same guy who did Ice Age: The Meltdown. While The Phantom Tollbooth could potentially work as a feature in the right hands, current Hollywood trends, including A Wrinkle In Time and Alice in Wonderland, seem to equate deep children's classics with lifeless, live-action CGI-fests. But if the book's concept of a young boy combatting ennui through abstract thought sounds less attractive than what will probably be twenty minutes of the big guard dog unsuccessfully trying to pick up a tiny bone, this adaptation might be right up your alley.

Danny and the Dinosaur



Danny and the Dinosaur is a delightful children's book about a boy named Danny who goes to a museum, meets a dinosaur who comes to life, and the two play together for a bit. There is no narrative thrust to Danny and the Dinosaur other than the dinosaur randomly being alive and Danny going to a park with it. It's the most simplistic form of childhood wish fulfillment, hinging entirely on relating to six-year-olds who agree that "hanging out with a dinosaur would be cool." That is not a movie, and certainly not "a vehicle for top comedy talent." What story could they possibly add to Danny and the Dinosaur? Maybe the Dinosaur gets hungry and can't control his need for human meat. Now it's up to Danny to stop the Dinosaur, lest all his friends and family become extinct. That's actually pretty good, and if anyone is interested in buying that idea, it's mine so please contact me.

Naruto



Let's say this right off the bat: anime should not be adapted into live-action Hollywood fare. First, a large portion of anime's appeal derives from the animation styles, so that's an automatic knock against live-action. But more importantly, anime stories are Japanese in origin. They run on Japanese sensibilities and star Japanese characters. If Hollywood were aiming to truly adapt these works into accurate live-action representations, fine, go for it. But every prior Hollywood anime adaptation — from Ghost in the Shell to Netflix's Death Note to the horrendous Dragon Ball: Evolution — has been whitewashed to hell and Americanized to the point of being unrecognizable. So brace yourself for American Naruto, the story of a young white ninja named Naruto who hails from the Hidden Potato Village located somewhere in Idaho. As a student in the American art of ninjutsu, Naruto and his fellow white ninja trainees––his crush, Sarah, and his rival, Steven––must defeat Zachary, an evil sword-wielding ninja who is also white and hails from the Village Hidden in the Corn. Will they be able to recover the secret hamburger scroll in time to save the Country Music Jamboree, or will Zachary emerge as the true heir to the Harley Davidson technique? Find out in American Naruto.

Cowboy Bebop



Cowboy Bebop is different from a lot of other anime in that a Hollywood live-action series could potentially work in this case. For one, the animation style is more adult, originally intended for a mature audience. As such, the jump to live-action isn't as jarring as it would be for a more cartoony series. Moreover, many of the characters and plot lines are influenced by Western tropes and genres, specifically "Spaghetti Westerns" like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, and sci-fi fare like Alien. The real problem here is that the original Cowboy Bebop is a bona fide masterpiece, so pulling off an adequate adaptation would require top-tier writing, directing, acting, fight choreography, etc. Anything less will fall apart completely. Cowboy Bebop has one of the strongest, albeit subtlest emotional thrusts of any anime series to-date, and if their handling of Death Note offers any indication, Netflix probably isn't up to the task.

Sonic the Hedgehog



"What if Sonic the Hedgehog was a f*cking monstrosity?" This is the only sentiment that could justify the upcoming live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie. And unfortunately, no matter how much we wish and hope and pray it wasn't true, it is –– this one's definitely happening. But don't worry, the "Brand Personality" slide accidentally leaked by the movie's graphic design firm assures us that even if live-action Sonic looks like something that wants to grope you, he's really just "chill and likable" and "mischievous but not malicious." Welcome to douchey frat-bro Sonic with his dead eyes and abnormally jacked legs. Delight, as he breaks into your room at night, slips into your bed, and then assures you it was "just a prank." This movie is going to be an absolute dumpster fire. Also, Jim Carrey will be playing Dr. Robotnik. Please end this.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com



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Night of the Spooky Boy

Both (white) people in this photo have used the N-word

Photo by Matt Baron/Shutterstock

As long as there have been celebrities, there have been celebrity apologies.

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B.S.

27 Things to Text Ashton Kutcher

The actor recently released his phone number on twitter.

Ashton Kutcher

Photo By Everett Collection, Shutterstock

Fulltime faux lifestyle guru and part time actor, Ashton Kutcher, shared his phone number on Twitter Tuesday in order to have a "real connection with real people." Only possible from a person as far removed from the unwashed masses as Ashton Kutcher is, the now deleted tweet read, "I miss having a real connection w/ real people. My Community. From now on you can just text me. I won't be able to respond to everyone but at least we can be real w/ each other & I can share the unedited latest & greatest in my world +1 (319) 519-0576 Yes this is my #" The tweet also featured a GIF of Kutcher, saying, "You are the fabric of who we are, and we love you!"

While the tweet made it seem like you'd hear back from the actor directly, fans soon found their texts were answered with an automatic message.

The desire for connection is a normal one, but seeking it through the murky depths of social media seems a little like searching for love at an understaffed DMV. While Kutcher's combined naivete and self-importance is oddly endearing, we can only imagine the rancorous and bizarre messages the 40 year old has received since Tuesday. If you've yet to take this rare opportunity to message The Ranch star (that show still on?), we recommend giving it a go. He literally asked for it. Here are a few conversation starters to help you initiate a life-long friendship.

  1. What inspired you to become an actor?
  2. What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?
  3. What advice do you have for an aspiring artist?
  4. If you weren't an actor, what would you want to be?
  5. What's your biggest pet peeve?
  6. Are you okay?
  7. If you stab a camel's hump, do you think it deflates like a popped water balloon?
  8. Do you want to come over and watch Jeopardy?
  9. Is Iowa real?
  10. Did the tightness of your pants in that 70's show affect your ability to reproduce?
  11. Any tips for cleaning out a neti pot?
  12. Let's make a secret handshake, you start.
  13. What superpower would you have?
  14. Need anything from the store?
  15. Did you ever play lacrosse or is that just how you look?
  16. Are you as nervous as I am?
  17. Would you rather have "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap playing in your head 24/7 or give Ted Cruz a bath once?
  18. What's your favorite color?
  19. Can I talk to Demi?
  20. Do you regret Two & a Half Men as much as you should?
  21. Could you come pick me up at school?
  22. Remember punk'd? Jeez.
  23. Do you wake up every morning and thank your face for your career?
  24. Could you take a look at this rash for me? Sending picture now.
  25. I'm sending my extensive community theatre resume.
  26. Do you and Mila ever roleplay as Kelso and Jackie? Haha just kidding. No but seriously my wife and I do, any tips?
  27. Are you a dog or cat person?

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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Culture News

Tiffany Haddish "Ate a Bag of Dicks" on New Year's Eve

The comedian forgot her own jokes and fumbled punchlines before cutting her set short and drinking with audience members (at least, the ones who hadn't walked out).

Tiffany Haddish at the "Girls Trip" Premiere

Photo by Kathy Hutchins (Shutterstock)

Tiffany Haddish's most well-received joke while bombing at the James L. Knight Center in Miami was, "This is gonna be on TMZ or whatever like 'Tiffany Haddish Ate a Bag of Dicks on New Year's Eve!'"

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