CULTURE

Pathetic White Men Are Big Mad That Greta Thunberg Is Time's Person of the Year

Let's meet some of the lowest-performing white men in the world.

BBC

I have apologized for this article. Please see my full statement here.

Every December since 1927, TIME's Person of the Year award has recognized the most influential person (or group of people) on the global stage.

Its ranks include almost every sitting US president since the award's inception, alongside world leaders, business moguls, and activists. The magazine does not necessarily endorse every winner––sometimes their pick for most influential person (i.e. Adolf Hitler in 1938 and Joseph Stalin in 1939) reflects the destructive ends of global influence. But regardless, for most recipients, especially those in the activism space, the award is viewed as an honor––and in 2019, it most certainly is.

Time's 2019 Person of the Year is Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate change activist who has traveled the world speaking to politicians, leading protests, and urging everyone to stop turning a blind eye to the myriad ways that humans are destroying the planet.

But even though 97% of climate scientists agree that global warming and climate change are both real and caused by humans, right-wing lunatics (read: very angry white men) hate Greta Thunberg, because...?

Much of their adult hatred directed towards a child dedicating her life to trying to making the world sustainable for future generations stems from the fact that they are, in reality, literal babies trapped in hairy, pale, man-bodies. But their main reason is the fact that their God-King (they're too stupid to understand how elected public officials are supposed to work), Donald Trump, hates her, too.

So because Donald Trump doesn't believe in climate change (putting his stupid ass in disagreement with his own government's science divisions), his even stupider supporters don't either. Now they're real mad on Twitter over Greta Thunberg being TIME's Person of the Year, so they're sh*tting their diapers for all to see. It's great. Let's meet some of the lowest-performing white men in the world up close and personal.

Oh, who's this angry white boy trying to compare Greta Thunberg to Hitler? Why, it's "Count Dankula," the Scottish YouTuber best known for teaching his dog to perform a Nazi salute gesture and respond positively when asked, "Do you wanna gas the Jews?" Apparently it was couched in typical alt-right "just a joke" bullsh*t, but Dankula, whose real name is Mark Meechan, later joined the right-wing populist UK Independence Party (UKIP) alongside frequent milkshake enthusiast Carl Benjamin, so...yeah, really funny! All that being said, when Meechan equates Thunberg to Hitler, he might be trying to give her a compliment.

Here we have Exhibit B: An angry boomer Trump stan/far-right stooge named Bill Mitchell who earned his blue checkmark by hosting a less successful online version of Alex Jones' show. While his opinions might only be relevant to people with actual brain damage, he does have a particular knack for defrauding his followers out of money. Which is to say that yes, at the very least he follows the right-wing ideals of preying on stupid people and attacking children.

Lastly, we arrive at the poster boy of white male mediocrity: Donald Trump Jr.––a man so talentless that he needed his daddy's friends to buy up his book, a man so pathetic he got absolutely slaughtered on The View, and a man so self-unaware that he'll probably go his entire life without ever realizing that if his dad wasn't rich, he'd be just another schlub.

There's a reason pathetic white men spend so much of their time crying about the accomplishments of better, more useful people on Twitter. Because at the end of the day, they're absolutely worthless, and deep down they know it.

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When President Trump first suggested that he could "stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose voters," many people thought it was an absurd suggestion.

They were fools. Each week that passes in the Trump presidency, his flagrant corruption and flouting of norms has accelerated at a pace only outmatched by our ability to shrug it all off as typical Trump. His corruption is no longer treated as in doubt, even by his defenders, instead the doubt has shifted to the question of whether corruption really counts as a crime. And if it is a crime, it's definitely not a high crime.

This week, that journey finally brought us to the only logical destination, back where we started, with Trump's lawyer definitively stating that shooting someone in the middle of fifth avenue would not be grounds to charge the president with a crime. We did it! It took us three endless years to get here, but we've finally arrived!

And now that his lawyers have given him permission, just as election season is heating up, it's only a matter of time before Trump decides to throw his base a little red meat by murdering a liberal celebrity in the middle of Fifth Avenue. It's time to look at the top contenders.

9. Michael Moore

Trump Tweet About Moore's Broadway Show Closing

Michael Moore hasn't really earned a spot on this list, but he gets one anyway because he has seniority. He's been a punching bag for the right for two decades, treated as a man who is fully out of his mind, set loose with a camera when he should be in a straight jacket. Sadly, as Trump eagerly noted, Moore's Broadway show is no longer running, so he has little reason to be in the vicinity of Fifth Avenue. If any Republican ever does succeed in pumping Moore full of lead, it will probably be via his kitchen faucet, in his home in Flint Michigan.

8. The Pope

Good Buddies

NBC News

If Donald really wants to rile up his base, he won't just flip through his rolodex of old feuds, he'll pay attention to demographics. The typical Trump voter is a 74 year old white evangelical man from Arkansas named Del. And Del has hated the pope since JFK was running for world's h*rniest Catholic. Pope Francis would be a great choice for Donald Trump to shoot in the middle of Fifth Avenue, if not for the fact that he would most likely be found on Fifth Avenue only if he was encased in his bulletproof-terrarium-car. Otherwise, he would be much higher on the list.

7. LeBron James

A Very Stable Genius

In 2016, Donald Trump lost Massachusetts by more than 27%, but Trump is a rule-breaker known for flipping democratic strongholds. With the Hong Kong controversy currently propelling LeBron-hate to previously unseen levels, there's never been a better time for Trump to reach out to Celtics fans by shooting LeBron James in the middle of Fifth Avenue. It's something to look out for when the Lakers and Knicks face off in January.

6. Chrissy Teigen

Chrissy Teigen Taking Trump to School

True facts stated

Here's another GOAT that trump may consider assassinating for his fans. Trump's usual weapon of choice is a tweet, but he clearly knows that in this case he is out of his twitter league. He didn't even dare to @ her, and she and her followers still destroyed him. While Trump may be tempted to resort to gun violence as an alternative, he should know that in this case it would backfire, because everyone loves Chrissy Teigen (and also I used to always see John Legend walking their dog in the East Village, and they seem really sweet and fun, and I felt extra-gross writing this one).

5. Whoopi Goldberg

I know you were expecting Rosie O'Donnell, you fool, but you were wrong. Rosie is too valuable as a target of harassment and insults for Trump to even consider murdering her. No, it would make much more sense for him to go after a current member of The View, and while Joy Behar is a contender, too many white women voted for Trump for him to choose her over Whoopi. The one downfall of this scenario is the high likelihood that Trump would be unable to differentiate Whoopi from Two Chainz, or Lil' Wayne, or literally anyone with dreads, including one of those dogs that looks like a flying yarn pom-pom, not because any of these people actually look alike, but because Trump is a flagrant racist.

4. Jim Acosta

There is no media pillar more reviled by Trump and his fans than CNN, and Jim Acosta is the CNN reporter who has inspired the most vitriol. His exile from the White House briefing room was just step one. Step two: exiled from this mortal coil when Trump puts his concealed-carry permit to good use in the middle of Fifth Avenue. That said, Acosta works primarily in DC and Atlanta, so he's not the favorite for this honor.

3. Snoop Dogg

Snoop Pretending to Shoot Trump

Proof it was self-defense

Snoop Dogg used to deal coke, and Trump hates drug dealers. He has spoken admiringly of Rodrigo Duterte's murderous approach to drug dealers, why not bring it home by shooting one in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Also, Snoop Dogg shot first, so no jury in the state (of Florida) would convict.

2. Ann Coulter

Coulter Turning on Trump

I know it was you, Fredo

Trump hates betrayal more than anything, and there is perhaps no more high-profile Trump-traitor (other than all his former cabinet members) than Ann Coulter. She has joined the never-Trump crew, which Trump just referred to as "human scum." She is technically a white woman (white walkers count as white, right?), but Trump might make an exception for personal revenge.

1. Kristen Stewart

The President

Speaking of personal, Trump really does not like Kristen Stewart. Why? We don't know. Would shooting her appeal to his hooting-CHUD base? Probably not. But there is no taming Trump's irrational hatred of the star of the Twilight movies. Maybe he was team Jacob? Please, Kristen! Stay off of Fifth Avenue.