Culture Feature

7 Times Ryan Reynolds Proved That He's Too Good to Be True

The teddy bear reward is just Ryan Reynolds' latest good deed...but it conceals a dark terrible secret. Scroll to the end to earn the truth.

There's something not quite right about Ryan Reynolds...

It's not his strong jawline, his muscled figure, his quick, self-deprecating wit, or even his singing voice. Those are all pretty great. No, it's the fact that he has all of those things, and also seems to be a loving husband and father who is passionate about helping others and the planet. Like... pick a lane, dude.

He can't be 2010's People's sexiest man alive, and also be a comic book nerd who makes his nerd-dream come true, and also an avid environmentalist, and also a successful entrepreneur, and also one of the funniest actors in Hollywood, with a beautiful family, and Hugh Jackman for a side piece. He can't. It's too many things, and if it doesn't stop soon, we will have no choice but to dig around until we discover the dark, terrible secret that he must be concealing.

Because no one is that good. No handsome, successful, clever man who isn't trying to hide something would do all that. He's too good to be true. Just look at...

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CULTURE

Meet the Failed Humans Pretending Bullied 9-Year-Old Quaden Bayles Is an 18-Year-Old Scam Artist

Facts can't stop the absolute scum of the Internet from coming after a nine-year-old, and oh man, they're coming at him hard.

*Trigger warning: suicide-related content*

In a heartbreaking video out of Brisbane, Australia, mother Yarraka Bayles filmed her nine-year-old son, Quaden, experiencing a suicidal breakdown after a bullying incident at school.


According to Yarraka, bullying is a constant presence in Quaden's life, largely due to other children making fun of his dwarfism. In this instance, Yarraka and her daughter witnessed one of Quaden's classmates "patting him on the head and making references to his height."

"You could tell he was very uncomfortable, but he was so good at trying to shrug things off. He doesn't want people to know how much it's affecting him; he's so strong and confident, but it's times like these when you just see him crumble. It was just heartbreaking to watch, it made me feel helpless," said Yarraka to NITV News.

The video quickly went viral, offering a candid look into the emotional effects that constant bullying can have on children, especially those with disabilities. And while Yarraka got some pushback for broadcasting such a personal experience for her child, the video caught the attention of celebrities from MMA fighters to pro-footballers to Hugh Jackman. Comedian Brad Williams, who also has dwarfism, even raised $200,000 to send Quaden to Disneyland.

But bullies don't just exist in elementary school anymore. They're all over the Internet, they're (presumably) older than nine years old, and they have no qualms about attacking children over harebrained conspiracy theories.

There's no better way to get this point across than to state it outright: A lot of people online are absolutely awful and very, very, very stupid.

In this particular instance, a whole slew of them have decided that Quaden Bayles, a 9-year-old bullied boy with dwarfism, is, in reality, an 18-year-old scam artist and wealthy influencer who staged a suicidal breakdown for monetary gain. Their evidence is as follows:

-They found Quaden's child acting profile.

-They found Quaden's Instagram, which he almost definitely runs with the help of his mom.

-Some of the pictures feature Quaden in coordinated outfits.

-There is a picture of Quaden at a birthday party in front of the number 18, which means that out of the five people in the picture, Quaden must be the one turning 18 (as opposed to, say, the bigger guy on the left).


That's it. That's their evidence. They keep talking about how Quaden changed all of these supposed references to his "real" age after the video went viral, but not a single one of them has provided any ounce of actual proof. It almost feels like giving them too much credit to even attempt to debunk their conspiracies, but it's worth pointing out that in another picture from that 18th birthday party, it very clearly says "Garlen's 18th Birthday."

Furthermore, it makes perfect sense that Quaden would have a social media presence and an acting profile––His mom, Yarraka, has been involved in a Dwarfism Awareness not-for-profit organization since 2014, and building up advocacy efforts around her son is a great way to draw awareness to the issues that affect him. Oh, and here's one of his media appearances from 2015, when he was five. You'll notice in the video that he is clearly a five-year-old child.

www.youtube.com

But hey, even facts can't stop the absolute scum of the Internet from coming after a nine-year-old, and oh man, they're coming at him hard.





These people are out here sh*tting on a bullied nine-year-old with dwarfism because they believed something some rando said on Instragram. So in this case, yeah, let's write humanity off as a failed experiment and call it a day.

CULTURE

Robert Pattinson Can't Be "The Most Handsome Man in the World"

That concept is nonsense—and also, it's Jason Momoa.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

It's not just a comforting bromide to tell ugly children; it's an undeniable fact of our reality. Each individual's experience of the world is purely subjective—informed by personal history and unique brain chemistry—which is what makes it so absurd when the Daily Mail declares Robert Pattinson "the most handsome man in the world." We cannot share an identical response to any stimulus, which means that we will never achieve an objective measure of a fundamentally experiential quality like handsomeness. Whoever they chose would necessarily have been controversial—except, of course, the correct answer: Jason Momoa.

Jason Momoa Wet T-shirt

How does the Daily Mail even come to its conclusions? Did they do a survey of the entire world—sending photographers to every rural market in Zimbabwe and through the favelas of São Paulo? Did they spend their entire decade's budget on compiling images of the world's men, or do they not consider the plebeians outside their TV screens and magazine pages to be truly human? Are we not men to them? Clearly we are not, because if they had scoured our planet's bus stops and the secluded tribes of Papua New Guinea—seen every last one of us—they would have realized that there is no jawline as perfectly sculpted as Jason Momoa's, no brow that arches with so much intrigue and allure.

In reality, the Daily Mail made their conclusion based on consultation from cosmetic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva, who has created a system for defining perfect beauty in mathematical terms. The system relies on the irrational number phi (1.618339…), and the ancient Greek concept of the golden ratio—also known as the "divine proportion"—which has been dubiously ascribed various significance. Dr. De Silva's system measures each feature of a person's face and how the features relate to one another with that ratio in mind. Last year he used his method to declare Bella Hadid the world's most beautiful woman. No doubt a lot of effort went into consolidating data on what people find attractive and fitting it to a theory of phi. It's actually an endeavor that makes a lot of sense for someone in Dr. De Silva's field, despite the limitations of codifying subjectivity and the factual reality of Jason Momoa.

Young Jason Momoa

That said, there are some obvious flaws in how those measurements are made—using only 2D images rather than a 3D scan—and it seems a bit weird that "the most handsome man in the world" would only align with about 92% of Dr. De Silva's Platonic ideal of a male face. But what is far more troubling—and possibly grounds to revoke his medical license?—is the fact that Dr. De Silva put in all this work and didn't take into account the existence of two piercing hazel eyes that squint pure joy directly at your soul each time Jason Momoa smiles.

To be fair, the star of The Lighthouse, and the Twilight series is technically a decent looking human male—as are Henry Cavill, Bradley Cooper, and the other men who ranked highly according to Dr. De Silva's system. Pattinson has some solid bone structure and a wild mane of hair that always looks a little dirty, but in kind of a fun way. If we're going to be as generous as possible, it would be appropriate to say that he's sort of a pasty, British, low-T Jason Momoa. But could he pick me up and hold me in his arms like an actual superhero—a Polynesian demi-god—and carry me away from all the world's pain while I hold tight to his beard and run one finger along the bold scar above his eye? No. He's not a sculpted 6'4" tower of benevolent muscle. He's a measly 6'1"—basically a 9th grade basketball player, and just as moody.

Jason Momoa as Aquaman

To put it simply, beauty is entirely subjective and impossible to quantify, and also the Daily Mail and Dr. De Silva are spreading blatant lies and committing Jason Momoa erasure. Canceled.

CULTURE

Can Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds Just Kiss Already?

They can joke all they want, but we all see the way they look at each other

Vanity Fair

They say that shared trauma binds people together.

So perhaps it was the experience of filming the mess that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine that cemented the strange, sexually charged bond between Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds. Certainly Reynolds' appearance in that film as a bafflingly mute version of Deadpool has become fodder for a lot of the comedic jabs between them.



Most recently their love/hate/lust relationship involved Jackman replacing Reynolds in a promotional image for Free Guy and an interview with Australia's Today in which Reynolds called Jackman "an evil person," and worse still, accused him of being Canadian. Whatever the original source of this electric energy, Reynolds and Jackman have been going after each other for years, like the kid on the playground tugging pigtails as an expression of love—except that there are two of them, chasing each other in circles.



Their flirt-feud first came to the attention of the general public in 2015, during the filming of Deadpool. In a post on Jackman's Instagram, Reynolds appeared in full Deadpool makeup and put on a flimsy Australian accent. Claiming to be Jackman, he asked the public to vote for him for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." Jackman and Reynolds had both already been picked for that honor—Jackman in 2008, Reynolds in 2010—as heavily referenced within the Deadpool films themselves. But the suggestion that Jackman was eagerly seeking to reprise that title—and also that his face is a horrific mass of scar tissue—became the first comedic jab in a back-and-forth that has continued to this day.


From a fake truce involving commercials for each other's brands to a political attack ad and a complex, deeply sexual bromance-triangle with Jake Gyllenhaal, Jackman and Reynolds clearly want to be the sexiest men alive all over each other. But for some reason, they seem to be permanently stuck in the middle part of the rom-com where they tease each other lovingly, but aren't quite willing to acknowledge their true feelings. Stop holding back, guys!


ryan reynolds and hugh jackman Now lean in...


Two ripped, charming dudes with killer jawlines should not be kept away from each other by society's expectations or, you know, committed, loving relationships with their wives. It's time for the world to call upon Blake and Debora-Lee to sanction this holy union. It's time for Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman to finally make out, and for the angels to rejoice.

TV

What Franchise Will "Game of Thrones" Showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss Ruin Next?

What's next for the geniuses behind the "lady-folks and jocks" model of human interest?

Getty Images

When I learned that Game of Thrones alum David Benioff co-wrote X-Men Origins: Wolverine–the movie that portrayed the 4th-wall-breaking antihero Deadpool as a skinhead with his mouth sewn shut–it made a lot of sense.

After all, Benioff and his GOT co-showrunner D.B. Weiss have a proven knack for treating beloved franchises like sh*t.

Finally breaking their silence after the overwhelmingly negative fan reception to the Game of Thrones series finale, Benioff & Weiss participated in a, quite frankly, baffling panel at Austin Film Festival. One Twitter user live-tweeted the discussion, wherein Benioff & Weiss almost seemed to brag about how inexperienced they were going into the project and how little respect they showed to the source material.

Highlights include Benioff & Weiss removing fantasy elements from the...you know...fantasy series in order to better appeal to "mothers" and "NFL players."


Then, right after revealing their ingenious "lady-folks and jocks" model of human interest, Benioff and Weiss abandoned the massive Star Wars project they were planning to helm in favor of their massive two million dollar deal at Netflix. But while this is certainly a boon for Star Wars fans, whose beloved franchise is now safe from the dull-blade hands of the two biggest hacks in Hollywood, it begs the question: What other franchises are now at risk of being destroyed by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss?

The Legend of Zelda

the legend of zelda Nintendo

There have long been rumors that beloved Nintendo franchise, The Legend of Zelda, will be adapted for Netflix by Castlevania producer Adi Shankar. And while not everyone loves the idea of Zelda getting turned into a TV show by anyone, Castlevania is an incredibly promising example of a great animated adaptation of a great video game franchise.

But the problem with rumors is that they're unconfirmed, so here's a worst case scenario that still exists within the distinct realm of possibility:

Netflix really is putting out a show based on The Legend of Zelda, but it's being run by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. Worst of all, Benioff and Weiss subscribe to a particularly venomous brand of awful whereby their work initially seems great and competent, only to sh*t all over itself halfway through once you're already invested. In other words, Benioff and Weiss aim to truly waste your time, getting you excited and then crushing all your hopes and dreams with terrible writing and ridiculous plotting.

Their Zelda adaptation would probably follow Link and Zelda as they wage battle against the evil Ganondorf in order to save Hyrule. We'd spend the first half of the story experiencing Link and Zelda's growth as characters, juxtaposed with Ganondorf's descent into madness as he's built up into an unstoppable foe. Then, halfway through, Ganondorf would get anticlimactically murdered by Tingle, who would then become the God-Emperor of Hyrule, much to everyone's chagrin. The next four seasons would follow Tingle as he romances Epona the horse and opens a pie shop. Benioff and Weiss would probably think this was a good idea, because there are too many Zelda games for them to properly draw themes from, and "a man in spandex having sex with a horse" would probably really speak to them on a visceral level.

Naruto

Naruto Shueisha


In a lot of ways, the beloved anime/manga series Naruto is right up Benioff and Weiss' alley: It's an epic saga spanning many years (and even generations), it has a rich lore full of deep characters and tactical battles, and best of all, Naruto is full of things that, if done incorrectly, could turn the story into an absolute trainwreck––the ol' Benioff and Weiss specialty.

In their version of Naruto, just like in the original, we would meet our plucky ninja hero as a young boy. The first season would follow him through Ninja school and his first few missions, his rivalry with Sasuke, his unrequited love for Sakura, and finally his confrontation with the mysterious killer assassin Zabuza and the real world of ninjas––a world full of violence and bloodshed.

Except in the Benioff and Weiss telling, subsequent seasons would shift perspective to a singing ninja (a bard, if you will) played by Ed Sheeran, who travels the ninja world showing his genitals to townsfolk and sometimes using ninjutsu to molest the women. That would be it. No more Naruto becoming a ninja; this isn't about Naruto. What, the fans wanted Naruto? Sorry, this is meant to appeal to a more general audience, namely "sexual predators." Benioff and Weiss won't be reading the Internet comments either, because what the fans want doesn't matter and they'd rather not have their feelings hurt.

Star Wars

Darth Vader 20th Century Fox

What if: PSYCHE! Benioff and Weiss really are coming back to Star Wars; they just made you think they weren't, so you wouldn't be mad.

Imagine it's time for the new Star Wars movie, and oh boy, you nerds better be prepared for some crazy lightsaber action. Benioff and Weiss' Star Wars introduces us to a brand new Sith Lord, Darth Phallus, who uses his evil force powers to forcibly have sex with Stormtroopers during every exposition scene. This is because Benioff and Weiss aren't very good writers, and they hope that watching Darth Phallus assault Stormtroopers will make their shoddy dialogue seem edgy or something. But it's not, and there are no battles. This is just three 2-hour movies dedicated to an unhinged man raping Stormtroppers. Eat your hearts out, Star Wars fans, Benioff and Weiss are back!

But for now, the pair have wisely stepped away to focus on their deal with Netflix. Beware.

FILM

Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend of April 12

Check out Laika's stop motion Missing Link and One Direction fan fiction After.

Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week we have a new Laika stop-motion feature and some terrible One Direction fan fiction.

WIDE RELEASE:

Missing Link

MISSING LINK | Official Trailer www.youtube.com

When it comes to innovative stop-motion animation, Laika is second to none. I'd trust anything they put out to be good, and this is no exception. Featuring the vocal talents of Zach Galifianakis and Hugh Jackman, Missing Link follows the adventures of the legendary creature and the adventurer who discovers him. While Missing Link seems to be lighter fare than 2016's Kubo and the Two Strings (if you haven't seen it yet, drop what you're doing), it's easily my top recommendation of the week.

Hellboy

Hellboy (2019 Movie) New Trailer “Red Band" – David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane www.youtube.com

Everyone's favorite "dad" from Stranger Things, David Harbour, stars as Hellboy, the titular red demon, in the latest adaptation of the classic comic book series. Harbour has a pretty big hill to climb if he wants to top Ron Perlman's performance from Guillermo del Toro's earlier take on the franchise. That being said, Harbour is a super likable actor in his own right, and it's about time he gets more recognition. The action fare here looks generic, at least judging by the trailer, but it also looks pretty fun. If you're looking for a big, dumb, turn-your-brain-off kind of flick this weekend, check this one out.

Little

Little - Official Trailer (HD) www.youtube.com

Little was executive produced by Black-ish's 14-year-old star Marsai Martin, making her the youngest person to ever hold that title on a major motion picture. That, in and of itself, makes this movie worth seeing if you're a fan of hers or simply want to support the career of a determined young woman in Hollywood. The plot doesn't look super different from things we've seen before, kind of like a reverse take on Big. It seems like a light, fun movie that'll play well across a wide age range, so it might be a good choice for this weekend's family movie night.

After

AFTER | OFFICIAL TRAILER - In Theaters April 12 www.youtube.com

After looks like hot garbage. Emphasis on the garbage. It's based on a One Direction/Harry Styles fan fiction that picked up traction online and landed a book deal. The story is about a bland girl who goes to college and falls in love with a brooding, borderline abusive Harry Styles, except they can't legally call him that, so instead his name is "Hardin." Let that sink in. You're not watching this movie for quality. You're watching it because you want to pretend you're smooching some lithe young teen. Just being clear.

LIMITED RELEASE:

Dogman

Dogman - Official Trailer www.youtube.com

An Italian film from director Matteo Garrone, Dogman follows Marcello, a poor dog groomer and single father who commits petty crimes under the thumb of Simoncino, a local gangster and former boxer. Dogman could be considered an intense character study, and overwhelmingly positive views from its international release suggest it's one worth watching. If you're aiming for a violent, dramatic crime movie this weekend, be sure to check it out.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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