These classic horror movie monsters are pretty awful, but not nearly as awful as the resigning White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
At long last, Sarah Sanders―the most prolific, unabashed liar, and gaslighter to ever hold the position of White House Press Secretary―has resigned.
Perhaps two straight years of partisan treachery took a toll, even on a heart as black as Sarah's. But somehow that seems unlikely. Most probably, the creature known as "Huckabee" simply grew full on its diet of pure untruths and decided now was the time to slumber. So, in celebration of Sarah Sanders' resignation, we've compiled a list of some of cinema's most vile monsters.
It from It Follows
The titular "It" from It Follows is a creature that can take the form of any person, changing at will as it walks towards its victim at a steady pace. When it catches up to its victim, it sexes them to death (usually in the form of a horrendously scarring person like the victim's mother). It would probably have a similar M.O. if It were Sarah Sanders, except instead of sex, Sanders would hold victims down and shout, "YOU'LL NEED TO ASK THE PRESIDENT ABOUT THAT" until their brains melted.
Freddy Kreuger from A Nightmare on Elm Street
New Line Cinema
Freddy Kreuger is a sweater-donning, fedora-wearing, burnt-skin-slasher who appears in people's worst nightmares to crack one-liners and then murder them. If Freddy Kreuger were Sarah Sanders, she would still appear in people's nightmares to kill them, but she wouldn't crack any jokes because she's a miserable, humorless person.
Pennywise from It
New Line Cinema
Pennywise might usually look like a dancing clown but, in reality, after luring children in with lies and deception, it takes the form of a giant spider to eat them. Sarah Sanders already has the lies and deception down. But if Pennywise were Sarah Sanders, instead of offering kids cool red balloons and then eating them, she'd be doling out MAGA hats and inciting them to hate immigrants. She'd still be a giant spider though.
The Shark from Jaws
Jaws Getty Images
The Shark from Jaws is just a really big shark. It's not evil or malicious; it's just fulfilling the biological imperative. How can anyone fault it for that? If the Shark were Sarah Sanders, though, it would still go around eating people all the time (which is expected), but then, for some reason, it would get really mad whenever anyone called it a Shark. And everyone would be like, "But you are a Shark, you're literally going around eating people." Shark Sarah would continue to feign offense as she continued her rampage.
Pinhead from Hellraiser
New World Pictures
Pinhead is an evil, extra-dimensional being called a Cenobite. He travels through a puzzle box along with the rest of his Cenobite pals and captures the soul of any human who happens to inadvertently solve the cursed puzzle. If Pinhead were Sarah Sanders, rather than being summoned through a puzzle box, she would be summoned simply by reading a Washington Post article. Her and her demonic followers would proceed to call it fake news until the article was closed. She would be very frequent and very annoying.
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Protest music aside, there is a slew of good underground music out today
An invigorating slew of protest music hit the shelves today.
Detroit-based emcee Tee Grizzley collaborated with Queen Naija and the Detroit Youth Choir to craft a melodic ballad that attempts to open up a dialogue with police. Meanwhile, alt-Jazz pioneer Terrace Martin took a different approach in his collaboration with Denzel Curry, Daylyt, G Perico, and Kamasi Washington, with "Pigs Feet" being more of an angry f*ck you than an attempt at communication.
These leading men bare it all, completely naked on the silver screen.
Let's hear it for the boys!
After all, sex sells. But more than that, humans just like seeing other humans naked. Nakedness shows us in our most natural forms, and it makes sense that we'd want to see the most attractive people among us without clothes on. So Hollywood delivers, giving us beautifully composed shots of beautiful people in their most natural states of beauty.
But also, they give us schlongs—a surprising number of schlongs, extensive schlongs. And that's what we're really here to discuss. Have you ever wondered what movies contain Hollywood's best weiners? Wonder no longer.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Jason Segel
While most movies use full frontal male nudity for shock value or comedic effect (and let's be frank, weiners are very funny), Forgetting Sarah Marshall takes their dick imagery a step further by using it for narrative impact. When protagonist Peter Bretter's (Jason Segel) long-term girlfriend of five years breaks up with him out of the blue, it's a massive blow to his self-esteem. He feels raw, completely unprepared, and fully exposed, both figuratively and literally, because she does this while he's not wearing pants.
The Hangover - Ken Jeong
Warner Bros. Pictures
2009's The Hangover did more than just skyrocket Bradley Cooper's and Zach Galifianakis's careers. It also gave the world Ken Jeong, who practically stole the movie with his turn as ruthless mob boss Mr. Chow. And no scene better embodies the sheer masculinity of Mr. Chow than the one where he bursts out from a car trunk completely naked, crowbar in hand (and by that we mean a literal crowbar, not a euphemism for his penis), and jumps on Bradley Cooper's face. What a crowbar! (This time, we do mean his penis.)
Watchmen - Dr. Manhattan
Warner Bros. Pictures
Watchmen's Dr. Manhattan may have transcended his humanity after being caught in a nuclear explosion, but he still retains his human anatomy. This means that he has fluorescent blue skin and a fluorescent blue weiner, which he displays in the cafeteria of his former workplace in all its big blue glory. He also begins dating his fellow superhero, Silk Spectre II, because of course big blue penises are somebody's fetish.
Shame - Michael Fassbender
FOX Searchlight Pictures
Shame is a serious drama about a sex addict. As such, it's not exactly aiming to portray sex as sexy, but as compulsive, addictive, and borderline disgusting—except it kind of fails, because the sex addict is played by the very sexy Michael Fassbender, and in the name of realism, he can't exactly be clothed. Multiple times through the movie, Fassbender displays his fast bender, and while “fast bender" might be a nonsensical term for his weiner, you still knew exactly what it meant.
It Follows - It
While Michael Fassbender and Ken Jeong are certainly fine male specimens, nobody even comes close to the creature from It Follows, a monster that can take the form of any person as it just kind of leisurely walks towards you. So while it could presumably take the form of Michael Fassbender or Ken Jeong, it chooses instead to take the form of a naked old dude and stand on a residential rooftop, with its old dangling penis flapping in the wind. This is probably especially disturbing to the protagonist, Jay, as the old man in question happens to be her grandpa. And if there's one thing nobody wants to see, it's grandpa weiner.
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