CULTURE

7 People Besides Greta Thunberg Who Need Donald Trump's "Anger Management" Advice

Why are these people always getting mad about major societal injustices?

Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg arrives to deliver a speech at the Assemblee Nationale, French parliament, in Paris, France, 23 July 2019.

Photo by IAN LANGSDON/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

In the wake of Time Magazine's selection of Greta Thunberg as their "Person of the Year", critics of science, ice caps, and the existence of youth have come out of the woodwork to criticize the choice.

She's a scold! A puppet! She's "mentally ill!" She's too young to have anything of value to say! But perhaps none have had more trenchant criticisms of Thunberg than the two Donald Trumps, both Junior and Senile. Don Jr. lashed out at Time for overlooking the Hong Kong protesters, a common thread among critics of Time's choice.

After all, the protests have been going on for more than six months now, and they give Americans an excuse to ignore the protests in the Middle East and Latin America—which implicate US foreign policy—and focus on the crimes of mainland China and the thank you messages to Trump. Instead of honoring the people who honored his father, Time Magazine devoted their cover to, in Junior's words, "a marketing gimmick."

It's unclear which marketing department came up with Greta Thunberg. The planet's? Generations-of-people-yet-to-be-born's? Whatever Madison Avenue genius came up with an impassioned teenage girl with Asperger's trying to save the world, give that guy the Don Draper award for clever gimmicks. Bravo. Never would've thought of it myself.


https://twitter.com/GretaThunberg


Not to be outdone though, President Trump tweeted some advice for Greta. Apparently, she needs to work on her "Anger Management problem" and stop involving herself in the grown-up business of destroying the future. Instead, President Trump advised that she should just "go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend. Chill Greta, Chill!" And she took his advice—yay!— altering her Twitter bio to reflect this sage wisdom from one of her biggest moral role models.

With this rousing success, maybe Trump should consider sending similar advice to some other angry people. Here are some current and former rageaholics who could really use a Trump-brand chill pill.

The Parkland Teens

"If you don't do anything to prevent this from continuing to occur, that number of gunshot victims will go up and the number that they are worth will go down. And we will be worthless to you."

Wow, calm down, Emma Gonzalez, why don't you go to a water park or something to take your mind off the trauma you've experienced and the lack of action to address this uniquely American type of horrifying violence.

FDR

"Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

Damn, Frankie, hold a grudge much? You're almost as bad as your boy Winston "Beach-Fight" Churchill. I know you guys are worried about those Axis powers trying to take over the world, but why don't you go fly a kite and see how you feel in the morning.

Rosa Parks

"The only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

Geez, it's just a bus seat—and the systematic oppression of black Americans that deprives them of society's best resources and the opportunities to improve their lives. Go get a couple scoops of ice cream and you'll feel better.

The Standing Rock Sioux

"The invisibility of our humanity in this country is literally killing our women; they are offered up as easy prey and their disappearances are often lacking consequences for the perpetrators."

Okay, Chairman Archambault, so the decision to run a hazardous oil pipeline through your tribal lands actually points to a general disregard for the humanity of indigenous peoples, and that results in terrifying mistreatment. But have you considered going to a good old fashioned game of baseball? Might help you relax.

Simone De Beauvoir

"All oppression creates a state of war. And this is no exception."

What is it with these feminist political thinkers always getting so hot under the collar about not having the same rights, freedoms, and legal recognitions as men? Just go to a barbecue and stop worrying so much!

James Baldwin

"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."

Okay, James, but have you tried not being relatively conscious? Try huffing some good old-fashioned ether, or downing a couple bottles of high-strength chill pills.

Now if these other hotheads would just take President Trump's sound advice before the year is over, maybe Time will change their minds, and give "Person of the Year" to the kind of calm, chilled out person who deserves it.

MUSIC

Florida Man Sues Madonna: Should Concerts Start on Time?

"Ticketholders [have] to work and go to school the next day."

Madonna - A Madame X Tour Announcement

A Florida man is suing Madonna because she changed the start time of her show at the Fillmore Miami Beach from 8:30 to 10:30.

"Ticketholders [have] to work and go to school the next day, which prevent[s] them from attending a concert that would end at around 1:00 a.m.," the suit stated.

Nate Hollander's ticket did cost $1,024.95, so maybe he can't be blamed for expecting some special treatment. He also claims that he's unable to sell the tickets because the time change has caused the tickets to "[suffer] an extreme loss of value," making reselling "impossible."

For her part, Madonna is famous for being late. At a recent Las Vegas show, fans were told to arrive at 9:30, but she didn't show up until midnight. Because of the delay and the audience's subsequent outrage, over 500 refunds were issued.

Madonna - Material Girl (Official Music Video)www.youtube.com

Apparently, Madonna doesn't see a problem with her lateness. During a recent show in Las Vegas, she announced, "There's something that you all need to understand. And that is that a queen is never late."

Who's in the right here? How many Nate Hollanders have arrived at work tired the next morning because some pop star they paid $1,024.95 to see decided not to honor the not-so-sacred tradition of concert timeliness? Should stars like Madonna be expected to be on time? Is their time somehow fundamentally more important than the audience's? Is that part of the power imbalance that makes a star a star?

Of course, the phenomenon of concerts that start extremely late isn't a new one, nor is it reserved for queens like Madonna. Concerts start late for a lot of reasons—and unsurprisingly, one of the main ones has to do with revenue. The longer people wait around for a show to start, the more likely they are to buy drinks and food, and the more they drink, the more likely they are to shell out cash at the merch table.

Naturally, technical and logistical issues can also play a role. Musicians typically have an extremely short amount of time to go from one show to the next, and innumerable things can go wrong with the setup.

According to Lauryn Hill, another famously late performer, her delayed start times are purposeful. "Me being late to shows isn't because I don't respect my fans or their time, but the contrary, It can be argued that I care too much, and insist on things being right," she said. "I like to switch my show up regularly, change arrangements, add new songs, etc. This often leads to long sound checks, which leads to doors opening late, which leads to the show getting a late start. This element of perfectionism is about wanting the audience to experience the very best and most authentic musical experience they can from what I do."

While stars with cult followings like Lauryn Hill and Madonna are often forgiven easily for their lateness, do-it-yourself shows that start late often get a bad rep when they take hours to get the ball rolling. On the other hand, indie artists and venues are the ones who face the worst fallout from technical and transportational mishaps, and don't always have the cash to ensure that everything is running smoothly. Sound engineering is one of the most underappreciated and difficult jobs in the music industry—anyone who's ever run a sound table knows that sound equipment can be unbelievably temperamental—and so maybe we shouldn't be so quick to get angry when the sound check takes a while.

On the other hand, nobody wants to have to loiter around at their friend's EP release show for six hours, especially when there's no reason for such extreme lateness. But in some ways, when you've been waiting that long, finally seeing an artist come out and smash their set is just that much more rewarding.

Regardless, it seems that Madonna has met her diva match in one Nate Hollander, who's certainly rocking back and forth in some dark room right now, whispering, "See you in court."