FILM

Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend of June 7

Dark Phoenix turns one of Marvel's greatest stories into typical blockbuster jargon.

20th Century Fox

Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week, Dark Phoenix turns one of Marvel's greatest stories into typical Blockbuster jargon.

WIDE RELEASE:

Dark Phoenix

Dark Phoenix | Final Trailer [HD] | 20th Century FOX www.youtube.com

"The Dark Phoenix Saga" is still regarded as one of the best X-Men runs by many long-time comic book fans. The story revolves around Jean Grey's absorption of and corruption by the Phoenix Force: "The embodiment of the very passion of Creation—the spark that gave life to the Universe, the flame that will ultimately consume it." The transformation is dark, jolting, and ultimately tragic, resolving in one of the greatest character moments in Marvel's history. The new Dark Phoenix movie, on the other hand, looks very, very generic. The trailer is practically indistinguishable from every other run-of-the-mill, big explosion superhero movie from the past five years. Aside from the brilliant casting of Sophie Turner (she was born to play Jean Grey), there's nothing exciting to see here. What a shame for such a great storyline to burn out like this.

The Secret Life of Pets 2

The Secret Life Of Pets 2 - The Final Trailer [HD] www.youtube.com

If you wagged your tail for the first The Secret Life of Pets, then you'll be sure to howl at the moon for A Dog's Purpose 2. What else is there to say about this movie? You know exactly what it is––86 minutes of animated animals to shut your kids up. Except now the main dog, Max, is being voiced by Patton Oswalt instead of Louis C.K. because you know exactly why.

LIMITED RELEASE:

Late Night

Late Night Trailer #2 (2019) | Movieclips Trailers www.youtube.com

Emma Thompson and Mindy Kaling star in Late Night, a movie about a long-running late night talk-show host who hires an inexperienced, minority female writer to round out her all-white male staff. The script was written by Kaling, and initial reviews suggest the movie is both funny and culturally prescient. Kaling is ridiculously talented, so if you're looking for a dose of socially conscious comedy this weekend, Late Night is your best bet.

The Last Black Man in San Francisco

The Last Black Man in San Francisco | Official Trailer HD | A24 www.youtube.com

The cinematography in this trailer is absolutely gorgeous. Shots frame characters amidst gorgeous sets filled with rich history. This is fitting as the plot follows two men, Jimmie and Mont, as they try to reclaim an old house built by Jimmie's grandfather in San Francisco. It won the Best Directing award and a Special Jury Prize for Creative Collaboration at Sundance this year, so it's most likely very good.

Itsy Bitsy

Itsy Bitsy (2018) Official Trailer www.youtube.com

Itsy Bitsy is a horror movie based on the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" nursery rhyme. This is honestly one of the worst horror movie trailers ever. The premise is awful, the acting looks awful, and heck, even the spider looks rubber. I kind of love it. In fact, screw it, this is my number one must-see movie pick for this weekend.

"A legend can't be explained by science," says an old man in the trailer. Seriously, please support this film.

FILM

Best Full Frontal Male Nudity in Movies

These leading men bare it all, completely naked on the silver screen.

20th Century Fox

Let's hear it for the boys!

After all, sex sells. But more than that, humans just like seeing other humans naked. Nakedness shows us in our most natural forms, and it makes sense that we'd want to see the most attractive people among us without clothes on. So Hollywood delivers, giving us beautifully composed shots of beautiful people in their most natural states of beauty.

But also, they give us schlongs—a surprising number of schlongs, extensive schlongs. And that's what we're really here to discuss. Have you ever wondered what movies contain Hollywood's best weiners? Wonder no longer.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Jason Segel

forgetting sarah marshall jason segel Universal Pictures

While most movies use full frontal male nudity for shock value or comedic effect (and let's be frank, weiners are very funny), Forgetting Sarah Marshall takes their dick imagery a step further by using it for narrative impact. When protagonist Peter Bretter's (Jason Segel) long-term girlfriend of five years breaks up with him out of the blue, it's a massive blow to his self-esteem. He feels raw, completely unprepared, and fully exposed, both figuratively and literally, because she does this while he's not wearing pants.

The Hangover - Ken Jeong

mr chow hangover Warner Bros. Pictures

2009's The Hangover did more than just skyrocket Bradley Cooper's and Zach Galifianakis's careers. It also gave the world Ken Jeong, who practically stole the movie with his turn as ruthless mob boss Mr. Chow. And no scene better embodies the sheer masculinity of Mr. Chow than the one where he bursts out from a car trunk completely naked, crowbar in hand (and by that we mean a literal crowbar, not a euphemism for his penis), and jumps on Bradley Cooper's face. What a crowbar! (This time, we do mean his penis.)

Watchmen - Dr. Manhattan

Warner Bros. Pictures

Watchmen's Dr. Manhattan may have transcended his humanity after being caught in a nuclear explosion, but he still retains his human anatomy. This means that he has fluorescent blue skin and a fluorescent blue weiner, which he displays in the cafeteria of his former workplace in all its big blue glory. He also begins dating his fellow superhero, Silk Spectre II, because of course big blue penises are somebody's fetish.

Shame - Michael Fassbender

michael fassbender shame FOX Searchlight Pictures

Shame is a serious drama about a sex addict. As such, it's not exactly aiming to portray sex as sexy, but as compulsive, addictive, and borderline disgusting—except it kind of fails, because the sex addict is played by the very sexy Michael Fassbender, and in the name of realism, he can't exactly be clothed. Multiple times through the movie, Fassbender displays his fast bender, and while “fast bender" might be a nonsensical term for his weiner, you still knew exactly what it meant.

It Follows - It

it follows man on roof RADiUS-TWC

While Michael Fassbender and Ken Jeong are certainly fine male specimens, nobody even comes close to the creature from It Follows, a monster that can take the form of any person as it just kind of leisurely walks towards you. So while it could presumably take the form of Michael Fassbender or Ken Jeong, it chooses instead to take the form of a naked old dude and stand on a residential rooftop, with its old dangling penis flapping in the wind. This is probably especially disturbing to the protagonist, Jay, as the old man in question happens to be her grandpa. And if there's one thing nobody wants to see, it's grandpa weiner.

FILM

Best War Movies to Watch on Memorial Day

Celebrate Memorial Day with the power of cinema.

Warner Bros.

Memorial Day is a somber holiday dedicated to honoring the fallen members of our armed forces.

While movies are often a great medium for escapist entertainment, they can also serve to help us explore unfamiliar perspectives and experiences. So if you're looking for a good way to contemplate the trials and tribulations of war on your day off, look no further than these cinematic tales of war:

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Frontpage Popular News

Film Fail | The Snowman Can't Melt Fast Enough

FILM FAIL | The most terrible film adaptation ever...

Only good thing about Global Warming!

Moviegoers are in for a big surprise this weekend, especially those who have read Jo Nesbo's The Snowman and have been expecting the motion picture's release since earlier this year. The thrilling trailer had critics swooning and readers running to sweep copies off the shelves in anticipation for the movie's release this weekend. Unfortunately the disappointment would be overwhelming.

With a high-caliber cast including Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, J.K. Simmons and executive producing credit to Martin Scorsese; critics and audiences were calling The Snowman, "A very serious film indeed." They were right if they were talking about the film's current score on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a serious 10%. Or maybe they meant a seriously bad film.

As an advocate for the 7th book in the "Harry Hole" series, I was applaud at what had been brought to life in a motion picture. One of the biggest disappointments of the film was the major disconnect between novel and script. While we always expect to have some type of distance between what we read and what we see, the deviation from the book became almost comical. Even with a fresh memory of the novel, I found myself having a hard time keeping up with the characters and the manifesting plot on screen. Admittedly, the film's script was as sticky and confusing as the movie theatre floor beneath my feet.

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Even Tomas Alfredson, the director of the film admits to the flop by stating, "The movie is in poor shape because we didn't get to finish making it." He elaborates by noting, "Our shoot time in Norway was way too short, we didn't get the whole story with us and when we started cutting we discovered that a lot was missing." Yeah, no shit. Tell that to the man whose snoring in the theatre was more interesting to listen too.

Amidst a series of confusing twists and turns, characters will disappear as snowmen begin to appear. Strange relationships will transpire and you will be reaching over to the person next to you asking, "What the hell am I even watching?" You'll see everything from bad ad libbing to cheap scares to keep you on your toes. You'll even be able to recognize pieces of the renown trailer that everyone had been talking about, except these scenes will have zero significance to anything actually happening.

One of the only aspects accurately portrayed from page to screen, was main character Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) as a police detective amidst a serial killer who has a slight obsession with snowmen. The real detective work is left for audiences to figure out exactly how Hollywood thought this was a good idea. While Michael Fassbender may be sexy, he isn't enough to distract viewers from realizing they'd been duped. Add insult to injury when the movie closes with a set up for a sequel. Thanks, but no thanks.

So, what have we learned from all this? Well, if we can learn anything from another Michael Fassbender flop it would be that even with an able cast, Hollywood is leaning hard to trailer production and we are falling for it. No, we are eating it out of their buttery hands.

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FILM & TV

​Alien​​: Covenant

Ridley Scott's latest installment of the Alien franchise disappoints. At least it wasn't as bad as Alien 3.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead:

In 2012, 20 years after David Fincher (yes that David Fincher) effectively ruined the Alien franchise, Ridley Scott thrust audiences back into the universe he(Scott) created with: Prometheus. Despite the fact that it was a flop domestically, Prometheus wasn't a terrible movie. It didn't feature the famous Xenomorph but we still got to watch hideous space creatures massacre scientists. Michael Fassbender, much like Ian Holm in 1979, played an android with dubious intentions. The film also gave us insight into the Engineers, the alien race that created humanity. Sure, that scene where Noomi Rapace gives herself an abortion is a bit much and yeah, the film had a few glaring plot holes but overall, Prometheus was just another B- Sci-Fi film.

This weekend, Alien: Covenant, the sequel no one asked for, hit theaters. Michael Fassbender is back and this time is playing two characters. One is a reprise of his role as David. The other is as a newer Android model with a horrendous American accent named Walter. Continuing in the same vein as Prometheus, Alien: Covenant further explores the relationship between creator and creation. The Engineers created man. Man created androids. David returns, motivated by a hatred of organic life, a hatred that is never properly explained, and commits genocide on the Engineer home world using the black goo from the first movie. He then goes on to create the Xenomorph we all know and love. The main problem with this film is that the Alien is an afterthought. David is the star of the show and after a gory and often times terrifying first 45 minutes, the movie transforms into a ham-fisted story about an android rising up against the humans who created him.

The film opens as a neutrino burst damages the colony ship Covenant. When the captain (James Franco) is immolated without speaking a single line (best part of the film), Oram (Billy Crudup) takes command. As the crew scramble to repair the ship and get back on course, they hear a transmission from a nearby planet. Tennessee (Danny McBride) then recognizes the signal as a woman singing, "Take me Home Country Roads". For some reason this gets the painfully incompetent Oram and the rest of the crew excited enough to abandon their original mission and set a course for a completely uncharted world. This movie had four writers but apparently none of them could think of a better transition than: let's make the guy from Eastbound and Down a huge John Denver fan. Also let's give him a cowboy hat.

So just like that, The Covenant touches down with a heavily armed ground team and begins to explore the planet's surface. Almost immediately, chaos ensues as spores on the planet's surface infect a few members of the crew. This 15-minute sequence of events is by far the best of the movie. The deaths are deeply unsettling, the monsters are scary and the film finally felt like it was getting somewhere. The mounting tension is stopped dead in its tracks when David arrives and saves the survivors.

This is where the movie gets…weird. David takes the surviving members of the ground team to his hideout, the ruins of an Engineer city, and immediately recognizes Walter as another android. While the rest of the crew gets settled, David takes Walter into his workshop. This scene had a lot of potential. It could have easily been a debate about free will and mortality in which David tries to convince Walter to join him. Instead, David tries to seduce Walter through a strange, erotic flute lesson. It's hard not to laugh at lines like "Play and I'll come" and "We'll have to work on your fingerings" but funnier still is the fact that Michael Fassbender plays both of these characters. David the proceeds to quotes Lord Byron and John Milton while trying to explain art and love to Walter. Eventually the story arc of the movie is completed when David manages to steal a kiss. We can all go home right? Wrong.

By the time the question of whether a Fassbender on Fassbender kiss is technically homoerotic or masturbatory starts ping ponging around your head, you'll realize something: You're 90 minutes into this movie and you haven't even seen the fucking Alien yet. By the time David tricks Oram into getting attacked by a Facehugger, you won't even care. The rest of the film unfolds predictably and feels like a super truncated version of the original Alien movie. Spoiler alert: they shoot it into space via the ship's airlock. Yes, exactly the same way as Sigourney Weaver did in 1979 and again in 1986.

The film wasn't completely horrible. The landscape shots were gorgeous and none of the acting was particularly bad. Alien: Covenant is first and foremost a sequel to Prometheus. The problem is, almost no one would care about Prometheus if it weren't related to the Alien franchise. At the end of the day, the movie is too dumb to make David's story interesting and not fun enough for an action/horror film. Instead we're left with a tedious amalgamation of the worst parts of Prometheus. If you want a space horror, watch the original Alien or Aliens. If you want a story about the moral complexity of artificial intelligence watch Ex Machina. This one isn't worth your time or money. Alien: Covenant is just another mediocre installment of a franchise that, at this point, has more bad films than good. At least it wasn't as bad as Alien 3.

Bill Murray was a little worse for wear when he appeared on The Last Word on Tuesday night!

He had been celebrating on the penultimate Late Show With David Letterman and merrily downed several vodka shots during his appearance.  He had then gone on out for dinner and necked a few more, so that when he arrived at the studio for a spontaneous interview he was out and out drunk.

As the program cut to a break, the 64 year old actor could be seen falling off a chair in the background!  He then explained in a hilarious slurring interview with Lawrence O'Donnell;

"I just did the Letterman Show, then went to dinner and had oysters, rosé wine, red wine and duck.  "And then I rushed here to do your show because Jim said that you wanted him to come on the show and "would you mind coming?"

'I said, you know, I think you're doing great... so when he said come, it wasn't a question'

Bill's not the only celebrity to have a few cocktails before an appearance.

Check out our top five drunken celebs;

Mark Wahlberg—was so drunk on The Graham Norton Show in the UK that he flirted with Sarah Silverman, boasted about his kid punching The Rock in the balls and challenged Michael Fassbender to a big dick contest!

Steve-O—prior to getting clean Steve O appeared on Too Late With Adam Carolla whilst well and truly trashed.  The interview culminated in him trying to tackle the host and watching this it seems sobriety couldn't come soon enough for the poor dude!

Danny Devito had been out on the booze with pal George Clooney the night before he appeared on The View in 2006.  The hosts were nervous with his somewhat wobbly demeanor.  Danny managed to insult ex-Prem Bush by calling him a “Numb Nuts”, admit that he went all the way with his wife in the White House, and gurn an impression of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld!

Sharon Osbourne appeared on the spin off UK X Factor show in 2006 and tried to explain her drunken state saying it was her birthday.  She cackled her way through the interview like a pro though.

Ben Affleck was post J-Lo, pre Jen when he hit upon this clearly starstruck reporter in 2006.  He totally forgot to promote his film and proceeded to make us cringe for a full five minutes.