FILM

Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend of June 7

Dark Phoenix turns one of Marvel's greatest stories into typical blockbuster jargon.

Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week, Dark Phoenix turns one of Marvel's greatest stories into typical Blockbuster jargon.

WIDE RELEASE:

Dark Phoenix

"The Dark Phoenix Saga" is still regarded as one of the best X-Men runs by many long-time comic book fans. The story revolves around Jean Grey's absorption of and corruption by the Phoenix Force: "The embodiment of the very passion of Creation—the spark that gave life to the Universe, the flame that will ultimately consume it." The transformation is dark, jolting, and ultimately tragic, resolving in one of the greatest character moments in Marvel's history. The new Dark Phoenix movie, on the other hand, looks very, very generic. The trailer is practically indistinguishable from every other run-of-the-mill, big explosion superhero movie from the past five years. Aside from the brilliant casting of Sophie Turner (she was born to play Jean Grey), there's nothing exciting to see here. What a shame for such a great storyline to burn out like this.

The Secret Life of Pets 2

The Secret Life Of Pets 2 - The Final Trailer [HD]www.youtube.com

If you wagged your tail for the first The Secret Life of Pets, then you'll be sure to howl at the moon for A Dog's Purpose 2. What else is there to say about this movie? You know exactly what it is––86 minutes of animated animals to shut your kids up. Except now the main dog, Max, is being voiced by Patton Oswalt instead of Louis C.K. because you know exactly why.

LIMITED RELEASE:

Late Night

Late Night Trailer #2 (2019) | Movieclips Trailerswww.youtube.com

Emma Thompson and Mindy Kaling star in Late Night, a movie about a long-running late night talk-show host who hires an inexperienced, minority female writer to round out her all-white male staff. The script was written by Kaling, and initial reviews suggest the movie is both funny and culturally prescient. Kaling is ridiculously talented, so if you're looking for a dose of socially conscious comedy this weekend, Late Night is your best bet.

The Last Black Man in San Francisco

The Last Black Man in San Francisco | Official Trailer HD | A24www.youtube.com

The cinematography in this trailer is absolutely gorgeous. Shots frame characters amidst gorgeous sets filled with rich history. This is fitting as the plot follows two men, Jimmie and Mont, as they try to reclaim an old house built by Jimmie's grandfather in San Francisco. It won the Best Directing award and a Special Jury Prize for Creative Collaboration at Sundance this year, so it's most likely very good.

Itsy Bitsy

Itsy Bitsy (2018) Official Trailerwww.youtube.com

Itsy Bitsy is a horror movie based on the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" nursery rhyme. This is honestly one of the worst horror movie trailers ever. The premise is awful, the acting looks awful, and heck, even the spider looks rubber. I kind of love it. In fact, screw it, this is my number one must-see movie pick for this weekend.

"A legend can't be explained by science," says an old man in the trailer. Seriously, please support this film.

FILM

Best Full Frontal Male Nudity in Movies

These leading men bare it all, completely naked on the silver screen.

Six Pack

Photo by Calvin Shelwell on Unsplash

Let's hear it for the boys!

After all, sex sells. But more than that, humans just like seeing other humans naked. Nakedness shows us in our most natural forms, and it makes sense that we'd want to see the most attractive people among us without clothes on. So Hollywood delivers, giving us beautifully composed shots of beautiful people in their most natural states of beauty.

But also, they give us schlongs—a surprising number of schlongs, extensive schlongs. And that's what we're really here to discuss. Have you ever wondered what movies contain Hollywood's best weiners? Wonder no longer.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Jason Segel

While most movies use full frontal male nudity for shock value or comedic effect (and let's be frank, weiners are very funny), Forgetting Sarah Marshall takes their dick imagery a step further by using it for narrative impact. When protagonist Peter Bretter's (Jason Segel) long-term girlfriend of five years breaks up with him out of the blue, it's a massive blow to his self-esteem. He feels raw, completely unprepared, and fully exposed, both figuratively and literally, because she does this while he's not wearing pants.

The Hangover - Ken Jeong

2009's The Hangover did more than just skyrocket Bradley Cooper's and Zach Galifianakis's careers. It also gave the world Ken Jeong, who practically stole the movie with his turn as ruthless mob boss Mr. Chow. And no scene better embodies the sheer masculinity of Mr. Chow than the one where he bursts out from a car trunk completely naked, crowbar in hand (and by that we mean a literal crowbar, not a euphemism for his penis), and jumps on Bradley Cooper's face. What a crowbar! (This time, we do mean his penis.)

Watchmen - Dr. Manhattan

Watchmen's Dr. Manhattan may have transcended his humanity after being caught in a nuclear explosion, but he still retains his human anatomy. This means that he has fluorescent blue skin and a fluorescent blue weiner, which he displays in the cafeteria of his former workplace in all its big blue glory. He also begins dating his fellow superhero, Silk Spectre II, because of course big blue penises are somebody's fetish.

Shame - Michael Fassbender

Shame is a serious drama about a sex addict. As such, it's not exactly aiming to portray sex as sexy, but as compulsive, addictive, and borderline disgusting—except it kind of fails, because the sex addict is played by the very sexy Michael Fassbender, and in the name of realism, he can't exactly be clothed. Multiple times through the movie, Fassbender displays his fast bender, and while “fast bender" might be a nonsensical term for his weiner, you still knew exactly what it meant.

It Follows - It

While Michael Fassbender and Ken Jeong are certainly fine male specimens, nobody even comes close to the creature from It Follows, a monster that can take the form of any person as it just kind of leisurely walks towards you. So while it could presumably take the form of Michael Fassbender or Ken Jeong, it chooses instead to take the form of a naked old dude and stand on a residential rooftop, with its old dangling penis flapping in the wind. This is probably especially disturbing to the protagonist, Jay, as the old man in question happens to be her grandpa. And if there's one thing nobody wants to see, it's grandpa weiner.

FILM

Best War Movies to Watch on Memorial Day

Celebrate Memorial Day with the power of cinema.

Memorial Day is a somber holiday dedicated to honoring the fallen members of our armed forces.

While movies are often a great medium for escapist entertainment, they can also serve to help us explore unfamiliar perspectives and experiences. So if you're looking for a good way to contemplate the trials and tribulations of war on your day off, look no further than these cinematic tales of war:

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