The 2019 Hellboy reboot was a colossal, $50 million failure. From the script, the story, and the pacing to the special effects, tone, and acting, this movie manages to be terrible in almost every conceivable way.

hellboy clip via Lionsgate

But let's be fair: it did get some things right. They surely used an expensive camera to shoot the movie, and you can tell because you couldn't see any pixels on the screen. The actors memorized all their lines, and from the looks of it, they fit into their outfits really well. David Harbour, who plays the titular Hellboy, looks very well-fed, so the craft-service situation on set must have been A+. It's nice to know that Milla Jovovich is still able to find work after the Resident Evil series prematurely ended. Her dead, vacant eyes lend themselves perfectly to the role of the Evil Bad Lady #2. Plus, Daniel Dae Kim is hot, so the producers were smart to get him shirtless within the first hour of screen time. We can all be thankful for that. And Sasha Lane was there too! Is she the first clairvoyant millennial with dreadlocks to fight evil in a Hollywood "movie?" Probably. That's fun.

If you've Google'd "Hellboy" at any point recently, you've probably read all this. But here are highlights from five of the most reputable news sources with their take on this shit-pile of a film:

hellboy and Daniel dae kim via Lionsgate

Roger Ebert

- You will never realize how much you need Guillermo del Toro in your life until you see the reboot of "Hellboy."

- "Hellboy" stops being fun when it stops being funny


hellboy with shotgun via Lionsgate

The New York Times

- …"Hellboy" is a crack pipe of a movie.

- Marshall… directs like a dog at a squirrel convention,

hellboy 2019 clip via Lionsgate

Washington Post

- At one point, Hellboy and his colleagues must fight zombies bursting out of the ground. The actors seem to realize this scene is just filler…

- (Harbour's) dramatic scenes fall curiously flat, and his comic one-liners inspire little more than stony silence.

hellboy 2019 clip via Lionsgate

NBC News

- The new, inexcusable Hellboy movie, was directed — if that's the word I want — by Neil Marshall, whose terrific horror flick "The Descent" suggested that he might be up to the job of making a fun and scary Hellboy movie. He was not.

- "Hellboy" is not even really a movie; it's a launchpad for five different movies that will never get made because no one wants to watch a launchpad for five different movies when they've paid to watch this movie.

The Atlantic

- The end result is an R-rated slog that's heavy on bad attitude and creative dismemberments, and completely missing the humane core of Mignola's original story.

- …this film ends up perfectly laying out the case against its own existence.

via Lionsgate


Ahmed Ashour is a media writer, tech enthusiast, and college student. He has a Twitter: @aahsure


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Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend of April 12

Check out Laika's stop motion Missing Link and One Direction fan fiction After.

Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week we have a new Laika stop-motion feature and some terrible One Direction fan fiction.

WIDE RELEASE:

Missing Link

MISSING LINK | Official Trailer www.youtube.com

When it comes to innovative stop-motion animation, Laika is second to none. I'd trust anything they put out to be good, and this is no exception. Featuring the vocal talents of Zach Galifianakis and Hugh Jackman, Missing Link follows the adventures of the legendary creature and the adventurer who discovers him. While Missing Link seems to be lighter fare than 2016's Kubo and the Two Strings (if you haven't seen it yet, drop what you're doing), it's easily my top recommendation of the week.

Hellboy

Hellboy (2019 Movie) New Trailer “Red Band" – David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane www.youtube.com

Everyone's favorite "dad" from Stranger Things, David Harbour, stars as Hellboy, the titular red demon, in the latest adaptation of the classic comic book series. Harbour has a pretty big hill to climb if he wants to top Ron Perlman's performance from Guillermo del Toro's earlier take on the franchise. That being said, Harbour is a super likable actor in his own right, and it's about time he gets more recognition. The action fare here looks generic, at least judging by the trailer, but it also looks pretty fun. If you're looking for a big, dumb, turn-your-brain-off kind of flick this weekend, check this one out.

Little

Little - Official Trailer (HD) www.youtube.com

Little was executive produced by Black-ish's 14-year-old star Marsai Martin, making her the youngest person to ever hold that title on a major motion picture. That, in and of itself, makes this movie worth seeing if you're a fan of hers or simply want to support the career of a determined young woman in Hollywood. The plot doesn't look super different from things we've seen before, kind of like a reverse take on Big. It seems like a light, fun movie that'll play well across a wide age range, so it might be a good choice for this weekend's family movie night.

After

AFTER | OFFICIAL TRAILER - In Theaters April 12 www.youtube.com

After looks like hot garbage. Emphasis on the garbage. It's based on a One Direction/Harry Styles fan fiction that picked up traction online and landed a book deal. The story is about a bland girl who goes to college and falls in love with a brooding, borderline abusive Harry Styles, except they can't legally call him that, so instead his name is "Hardin." Let that sink in. You're not watching this movie for quality. You're watching it because you want to pretend you're smooching some lithe young teen. Just being clear.

LIMITED RELEASE:

Dogman

Dogman - Official Trailer www.youtube.com

An Italian film from director Matteo Garrone, Dogman follows Marcello, a poor dog groomer and single father who commits petty crimes under the thumb of Simoncino, a local gangster and former boxer. Dogman could be considered an intense character study, and overwhelmingly positive views from its international release suggest it's one worth watching. If you're aiming for a violent, dramatic crime movie this weekend, be sure to check it out.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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