Satire

What Movies Will God Quiz You on When You Get to Heaven?

Apparently God is a major movie buff.

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Chances are pretty good that if you...*checks news*...live literally anywhere in the world, you're probably quarantined and maybe dying from COVID-19 right now.

I probably am right now. Sure, some psychologists are saying, "Don't let coronavirus tip society into panic," but panic is a natural response to unseen threats that make us question our survival and why we even exist. So if you're going to be stuck in your bedroom during what very well might be your last two weeks on earth, you might as well catch up on all the movies that God quizzes you on when you get into heaven.

Wait, what? That's right, dear reader, God is a major movie buff, according to a prophetic vision I had last night while quarantined, and let me assure you that I immediately and accurately jotted His favorite titles down so you can ace the test and not be cast into the fiery pits of Eternal Damnation. Remember, if you don't die as a seasoned movie buff, God will not let you in. Look it up in The Bible.

Noah

www.youtube.com

According to God, high-budget Hollywood retellings of biblical stories are His favorite form of worship. So it almost goes without saying that Darren Aronofsky's Noah epic, starring Russell Crowe, made the list. While many of the other Hollywood bible epics take too many liberties for God's liking, God assured me that Noah is a spot-on interpretation, and that Noah's real adopted daughter actually did look a little bit like Emma Watson. God also mentioned that flooding the world was one of the coolest things He ever did, so it was pretty fun to watch on the big screen.

The Passion of the Christ

www.youtube.com

Mel Gibson's poorly received Jesus Christ biopic may be a slog to get through, but honestly, we should have seen this coming. After all, when a guy who vocally hates Jews decides to direct a movie about God's son, you better believe God's going to take notice. The funny part is that God didn't like it either. God made it crystal clear that Mel Gibson failed to capture Jesus' mannerisms and that the main point in having us watch is so we can all make fun of it together from an informed perspective.

God's Not Dead

www.youtube.com

With a paltry budget of only two million dollars, and a very silly cameo appearance from Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson, God informed me that even though He hates to use the term, He couldn't help feeling like God's Not Dead took His name in vain. The movie's premise that God actually cares whether or not some dumb college students believe in Him was deeply offensive, especially when the only thing He actually cares about is whether or not we can pass his cinematic litmus test. He hopes that we can use take this movie as a lesson in what not to do.

Gods of Egypt

www.youtube.com

Straight up, God would not stop praising Gods of Egypt. This is a direct quote from God during my quarantined vision: "Dude, Gods of Egypt is so underrated. Realizing there wasn't going to be a sequel was the exact thing that made me start coronavirus." God clarified that while it's technically a good-bad movie, it's so good-bad that it might actually just be amazing. He's really into good-bad movies, so that's probably a useful thing to keep in mind when you kick the bucket. Also, if you happen to be Tommy Wiseau, he's going to talk your ear off. Like, he loves you, man.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

www.youtube.com

Okay, this was a surprise. It turns out that God's favorite movie, in the history of the medium, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He doesn't even like it ironically; he actually thinks it's good. I asked him if he had ever seen the comparisons between Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Neon Genesis Evangelion and, I kid you not, God says, "Who do you think came up with that first?" Admittedly, when God first said that Paul Blart: Mall Cop was his favorite movie, I doubted his taste in film for the briefest moment, but oh God, did God prove me wrong. The dude is absorbing cinema at a whole different level. I mean, this is the same guy who came up with mountains and diamonds and fish, of course He knows what He's talking about. I should never have doubted God, and now I know that when I die from COVID-19, God will be gaining another little film bro in heaven.

Frontpage Popular News

Noah’s Ark Theme Park

Mark your calendars peeps, because you're not going to want to miss the Noah's Ark theme park that's opening in Kentucky next year.

Ark Encounter, which sits on 800 acres of land in Williamstown, is currently under construction, and will include a life size replica of the ark, along with a restaurant, theater and petting zoo.

Ken Ham, CEO of Answers in Genesis—the devoutly Christian masterminds behind the park's creation—held a press conference earlier today, announcing an opening date of July 7, 2016, in honor of the seventh verse of the seventh chapter of the book of Genesis, which details when Noah and his crew entered the ark (which Ham believes to be a real story of something that actually happened.)

Ham also announced that sharing your Christian vision, by way of a theme park, doesn't come cheap—the project has a price tag of a whopping $91 million, which, he says, they are still looking for $6.5 million of to complete the project.

Get your check book out Mel Gibson!

Ark Encounter isn't even built yet, but it's already attracted controversy. Last year, Kentucky officials were forced to cancel more than $18 million worth of tax incentives that they had offered, after Answers in Genesis announced they would only hire employees who shared the organization's fundamental Christian beliefs.

Those beliefs include such ludicrousy as the assertion that the world is actually only 6,000 years old—instead of 4 billion years, as scientists state—but, what do those silly scientists know?

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They're just basing their claims on decades of research by super smart people…. and carbon dating of rocks and shit.

Whereas, this is going by the word of God! It's written in black and white, in a big book that's read by millions and everything.

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In fact, turns out that Answers in Genesis takes the old testament very seriously, believing every word of all of the stories literally—including the whole Adam and Eve thing, and the Earth being created in six days by that God fellow up there in the clouds.

According to the company's website:

The Bible—the “history book of the universe"—provides a reliable, eye-witness account of the beginning of all things, and can be trusted to tell the truth in all areas it touches on. Therefore, we are able to use it to help us make sense of this present world. When properly understood, the “evidence" confirms the biblical account.

Ham makes no apologies for the organization's steadfast Christian beliefs, and the religious bigotry that goes along with them—admitting that their very purpose is to ram their beliefs right down everyone's throats, whenever possible.

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“We make no apology about our Christian message," Ham asserts. “We have never hidden the fact that our purpose is to spread the truth of God's Word and its life-changing gospel message."

Over 16,000 lucky Christians a day will be able to enjoy the wonders of Ark Encounter, and Ham predicts the park will attract around 1.4 million guests each year, boasting, "It'll certainly be one of the biggest Christian attractions in the world."

Because of the anticipated high demand for tickets, Ham said that they will be limiting attendance for the first 40 days and 40 nights, in keeping with the whole Noah schtick. Tickets will be available online from January.

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But, never fear folks! If you're not lucky enough to score an Ark Encounter ticket, you can still get your Fundamental fix on by visiting the organization's other attraction—The Creation Museum.

A state-of-the-art 75,000-square-foot “museum", which:

Brings the pages of the Bible to life, casting its characters and animals in dynamic form and placing them in familiar settings. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden's Rivers. The serpent coils cunningly in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Majestic murals, great masterpieces brimming with pulsating colors and details, provide a backdrop for many of the settings.

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