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7 People Besides Greta Thunberg Who Need Donald Trump's "Anger Management" Advice

Why are these people always getting mad about major societal injustices?

Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg arrives to deliver a speech at the Assemblee Nationale, French parliament, in Paris, France, 23 July 2019.

Photo by IAN LANGSDON/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

In the wake of Time Magazine's selection of Greta Thunberg as their "Person of the Year", critics of science, ice caps, and the existence of youth have come out of the woodwork to criticize the choice.

She's a scold! A puppet! She's "mentally ill!" She's too young to have anything of value to say! But perhaps none have had more trenchant criticisms of Thunberg than the two Donald Trumps, both Junior and Senile. Don Jr. lashed out at Time for overlooking the Hong Kong protesters, a common thread among critics of Time's choice.

After all, the protests have been going on for more than six months now, and they give Americans an excuse to ignore the protests in the Middle East and Latin America—which implicate US foreign policy—and focus on the crimes of mainland China and the thank you messages to Trump. Instead of honoring the people who honored his father, Time Magazine devoted their cover to, in Junior's words, "a marketing gimmick."

It's unclear which marketing department came up with Greta Thunberg. The planet's? Generations-of-people-yet-to-be-born's? Whatever Madison Avenue genius came up with an impassioned teenage girl with Asperger's trying to save the world, give that guy the Don Draper award for clever gimmicks. Bravo. Never would've thought of it myself.

https://twitter.com/GretaThunberg

Not to be outdone though, President Trump tweeted some advice for Greta. Apparently, she needs to work on her "Anger Management problem" and stop involving herself in the grown-up business of destroying the future. Instead, President Trump advised that she should just "go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend. Chill Greta, Chill!" And she took his advice—yay!— altering her Twitter bio to reflect this sage wisdom from one of her biggest moral role models.

With this rousing success, maybe Trump should consider sending similar advice to some other angry people. Here are some current and former rageaholics who could really use a Trump-brand chill pill.

The Parkland Teens

"If you don't do anything to prevent this from continuing to occur, that number of gunshot victims will go up and the number that they are worth will go down. And we will be worthless to you."

Wow, calm down, Emma Gonzalez, why don't you go to a water park or something to take your mind off the trauma you've experienced and the lack of action to address this uniquely American type of horrifying violence.

FDR

"Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

Damn, Frankie, hold a grudge much? You're almost as bad as your boy Winston "Beach-Fight" Churchill. I know you guys are worried about those Axis powers trying to take over the world, but why don't you go fly a kite and see how you feel in the morning.

Rosa Parks

"The only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

Geez, it's just a bus seat—and the systematic oppression of black Americans that deprives them of society's best resources and the opportunities to improve their lives. Go get a couple scoops of ice cream and you'll feel better.

The Standing Rock Sioux

"The invisibility of our humanity in this country is literally killing our women; they are offered up as easy prey and their disappearances are often lacking consequences for the perpetrators."

Okay, Chairman Archambault, so the decision to run a hazardous oil pipeline through your tribal lands actually points to a general disregard for the humanity of indigenous peoples, and that results in terrifying mistreatment. But have you considered going to a good old fashioned game of baseball? Might help you relax.

Simone De Beauvoir

"All oppression creates a state of war. And this is no exception."

What is it with these feminist political thinkers always getting so hot under the collar about not having the same rights, freedoms, and legal recognitions as men? Just go to a barbecue and stop worrying so much!

James Baldwin

"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."

Okay, James, but have you tried not being relatively conscious? Try huffing some good old-fashioned ether, or downing a couple bottles of high-strength chill pills.

Now if these other hotheads would just take President Trump's sound advice before the year is over, maybe Time will change their minds, and give "Person of the Year" to the kind of calm, chilled out person who deserves it.

Apology for Previous Article: Pathetic White Women Are Also Big Mad That Greta Thunberg Is Time's Person of the Year

I apologize for my previous article. Plenty of white women are pathetic, too.

Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg arrives to deliver a speech at the Assemblee Nationale, French parliament, in Paris, France, 23 July 2019.

Photo by IAN LANGSDON/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies for an article I recently published which, upon further reflection, I now realize was deeply flawed.

On December 12, 2019, I wrote an article titled "Pathetic White Men Are Big Mad That Greta Thunberg Is Time's Person of the Year." The conceit of my article was to laugh at all the lowest-performing white men pooping their nappies after TIME Magazine announced 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg as their 2019 Person of the Year.

My premise was erroneous, and from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I'm not going to give excuses or try to downplay the damage I've caused. If I could go back and start over, knowing then what I know now, please believe that I would do things differently. I'm sorry, and I hope you can accept my apology.

As soon as the article went live, I knew I had messed up. Yes, screeching, low-performing white men immediately swarmed into the comments to prove my point. They smashed boomer memes on top of boomer memes without an ounce of self-awareness, their dude-names emblazoned for all to see and their pasty white profile pictures glistening in the sun.

But another group of people showed up, too, equally angry and just as white, but not quite "male." Yes, in all my hubris, I called out pathetic white men without acknowledging their counterparts––pathetic white women who are also big mad that Greta Thunberg is TIME's Person of the Year.

Perhaps by not acknowledging these almost inconceivably stupid white women, who spit in the face of established science and also love throwing adult temper tantrums about a child with Asperger's who wants to make the planet more sustainable, I was engaging in latent sexism. After all, as many pathetic white women made crystal clear in the comments, they are just as capable as their pathetic white male brethren of being big mad weenies.

I acknowledge that roughly 52 percent of white women voted for Trump, and that your ability to launch into rambling, improper emoji-laden paragraphs full of CAPITALIZATION to indicate SCREAMING makes you pathetic lunatics just like the white men I was initially laughing at. To promote acceptance and reject racism, let it be known that anyone can become a pathetic white man or woman, just so long as they reject science, denigrate children, and believe everything they saw in a very biased YouTube video.

I want you to know that I respect your tendency to post low-IQ boomer memes just as mindlessly as even the dumbest of white men. It was wholly my mistake not to recognize that plenty of pathetic, angry white men are, indeed, supported by pathetic, angry white women. Otherwise, how else would you continue making more pathetic, angry white people?

I see you, pathetic white women who are mad about Greta Thunberg, and I hear you. And again, I am sorry for my error. Both pathetic white men and pathetic white women are angry that Greta Thunberg is TIME's Person of the Year, and in the name of gender equality, I want it to be clear that all of you are worthless.

I do feel a little bad insulting people who are mentally tantamount to children younger than Greta Thunberg, even if they're trapped in old, white bodies, but if our president can do it, so can I.

— (@)

After all, as First Lady Melania Trump might say, "Insulting children on the Internet is what it means to #BeBest, unless anyone makes a joke about Barron, and then it's not okay." Or something like that; who cares, they're all hypocrites.

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