Which kunoichi could step on you the hardest?
Female ninjas occupy a strange space in the realm of video games.
While their male ninja counterparts, like Strider Hiryu, dress like actual ninjas in full body garb that maybe, at most, reveals their beefy triceps, female ninjas dress in hyper-colorful, skin-bearing attire that seems to scream, "I'm here to step on you, you degenerate gamer." As if "degenerate" and "gamer" weren't interchangeable.
But which video game kunoichi has the best personality? LOL just joking; we're all gamers here! What I really want to know is which kunoichi could step on me the hardest? Let's descend into the gurgling swamp of degeneracy and find out once and for all.
10. Yuffie (Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII)
Okay, so hear me out. In Final Fantasy VII, Yuffie is only 16, which means that her stepping on me might be kind of illegal, or at the very least, very creepy. But Dirge of Cerberus takes place two years later, meaning that Yuffie is 18, meaning that it's high time for her to get steppin'. Still, Yuffie is kind of immature, so it's hard to imagine her really putting her all into stomping her foot into my groin.
9. Ibuki (Street Fighter)
Ibuki may be a highly trained ninja, but her attitude certainly doesn't show it. She even goes so far as to complain that her ninja clothes are unappealing. That's probably why she chose to cut holes in the butt area, because I'm having a hard time imagining what practicality butt cheek flaps would have for assassination. While I'm sure Ibuki could step hard if push came to shove, she probably wouldn't be first choice for a good stomping.
8. Kasumi (Dead or Alive)
Kasumi is, all things considered, a compassionate and empathetic ninja. This means that her ball-busting abilities might be less than extraordinary. On the other hand, the entire bottom portion of her outfit is completely open, which makes absolutely zero sense for a Ninja what with all the flapping parts, but I digress.
7. Mai Shiranui (The King of Fighters)
Mai Shiranui may be too sexy for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, but she's exactly sexy enough to dig her toed ninja socks into my nuts. Mai probably wouldn't be particularly vicious, but she's basically just wearing a thong, and I'd certainly forgive the lack of brutality if she slapped me around a bit with her fan.
6. Kunimitsu (Tekken)
Kunimitsu is a kunoichi of few words, hiding her face behind a fox mask and her genitals behind not much else. This suggests that she's very clever, as her foes might be able to identify her if they saw her face, but definitely not if they just saw the whole rest of her body. The best thing about a clever ninja lady like Kunimitsu is that she'd be able to identify the exact right spots to step on in order to make me hurt the best.
5. Ayane (Dead or Alive)
Unlike her compassionate Dead or Alive compatriot Kasumi, Ayane is cold, frightening, and analytical. And while her top isn't as low cut, her short skirt and thigh-high stockings suggest an affinity for fashion and possibly for crunching dudes' junk. Ayane's heeled boots also seem promising, and I'd like to think that her expert aim translates to a capacity for stomping a well-placed heel point in just the wrong spot.
4. Psylocke (Marvel vs. Capcom 2)
Maybe this is cheating a little bit, because Psylocke is, first and foremost, a comic book character. But she appears in the Marvel vs. Capcom games, and she's a sexy, psychic, scantily clad ninja lady, so I'm deeming her fair game to dig her heel into my pathetic gamer scrote. Psylocke is a powerful enough woman to recognize that a unitard that cuts off right around her nether regions is far more practical for an assassin than literally anything else, and that's the exact kind of woman I want to crush me.
3. Ayame (Tenchu)
Ayame is an ice cold killer who perpetuates the butt cheek-cut ninja pants (is this seriously a trope?), but also sometimes a classy midriff shirt and short skirt combo. She also says cool lines like, "You've been a bad boy, it's payback time!" which makes her a perfect candidate to bruise me with her foot. When choosing a video game ninja girl to step on you, it's important to find one who might be willing to spit on you, too.
2. Taki (Soulcalibur)
Taki is an absolute badass. She may not have an open clothes plan like many of the ladies on this list, but her ninja suit is tight enough that you can see all 18 of her abs. This leads me to believe that not only is she strong, but Taki gets off sexually to ninja-ing (why else would she have perpetually hard nips other than her game designer being a perverted 14-year-old?).
1. Kitana (Mortal Kombat)
The only thing sexier than a 10,000-year-old ninja princess who looks like a 20-year-old woman is a 10,000-year-old ninja princess who looks like a 20-year-old woman and is also willing to stab you in the balls and then cut your face open. Kitana is as brutal as her costume is sexualized, which is to say: overwhelmingly. Kitana wouldn't just stomp on me; she would absolutely obliterate me and then probably cut my head off with her fan. Which honestly, after writing this article, I'm pretty sure I'd welcome.
- Popular 'Fortnite' streamer Ninja says he doesn't play video games ... ›
- CrunchArcade: Top Ten Video Game Ninjas | TechCrunch ›
- List of ninja video games - Wikipedia ›
- Female Ninja of Gaming ›
- Dual Blade ~ Battle of The Female Ninja ~ on Steam ›
- Kunoichi Characters - Giant Bomb ›
- Ninja Princess and the Erasure of Women in Video Games | The ... ›
- Kunoichi: A Closer Look At The Female Ninja Spies of Old Japan ›
- The 10 Greatest Female Samurai and Ninjas ›
- A Female Ninja, But I Want To Love (English Cover)【rachie + ... ›
Bandcamp is waiving revenue shares today, and you should support POC artists.
Today is another Bandcamp Friday, meaning until midnight tonight, the platform will be waiving revenue shares and letting artists take 100 percent of profits.
Now more than ever, as Black Lives Matter protests occur around the world, it's extremely important to lift marginalized voices. The music industry has repeatedly erased Black voices throughout history, despite the fact that most mainstream genres were invented by Black people.
Mario Kart Tour, the new mobile app for iPhone, iPad, and Android, has only been out for a couple hours, but the best player in the world has already emerged, and it's me. I'm the best. What up?
Nintendo really throws you off the deep end with this one. Right after I'd barely figured out the wonky touch controls in the tutorial, the game pitted me against seven other real people. At first I was scared. How could I possibly compete against so many other people when I barely even knew how to play? But then a miracle happened. I absolutely f*cking roasted them.
I thought it was a fluke. But then I played another match against seven more real people, also playing on their phones all across the world, and I forced them to feast on my fumes. Suddenly, I came to the realization that I was a Mario Kart Tour master: a prodigy of sorts. My next match confirmed it. I'm the God of Mario Kart mobile.
I don't know what these other clowns are doing, but I've raced three whole times so far and obliterated all of my opponents. I'm talking first place in New York Minute and first place in Cheep Cheep Lagoon. Can you guess how I ranked in Mario Circuit 1? That's right: first place. Three for three. Eat my dust, Thotsweeper.
Quick aside, though: "Thotsweeper" is a pretty edgy name to use in a Nintendo game. Imagine if Multiplayer wasn't live yet, and "Thotsweeper" was a CPU name Nintendo came up with to trick players into feeling like they were playing against real people. That would be next level.
Luckily, all these losers I beat are definitely real people, because there's no chance Nintendo would generate a bunch of innocuous names like "Ocean77" and "Nico" but then just have one Toadette CPU named "Thotsweeper." Like, does Nintendo even realize what "Thotsweeper" means?
"Thot" is a slang term for a promiscuous woman. So a "Thotsweeper," presumably, would be someone who either sleeps with many thots or maybe literally sweeps up thots? I'm not sure which, but I am sure that Nintendo wouldn't just make up a name like that and put it in their all-ages Mario Kart mobile game just to convince people that they're playing against real people instead of CPUs.
In other words, I'm positive that I'm the single best Mario Kart Tour player currently on the circuit. I can't wait to meet some of you on the track and show you who's boss. It's me. I'm the boss. Just try to keep up.
- You Can Now Pre-Order Mario Kart Tour on Mobile ›
- Mario Kart Tour Supports Online Multiplayer, First Footage Released ... ›
- The Beta For Mario Kart Tour Doesn't Seem To Include Proper ... ›
- Mario Kart Tour release date, gameplay, price, trailers | Metro News ›
- 'Mario Kart Tour' Has A Bad Subscription Model That Costs As Much ... ›
- Nintendo launches Mario Kart Tour to muscle into mobile gaming ... ›
- Mario Kart Tour multiplayer 'coming in future update' | VGC ›
- Mario Kart Tour Is an Insult to Today's Smartphones | Tom's Guide ›
- NO MULTIPLAYER :( Mario Kart Tour Release Date Revealed...But ... ›
- Mario Kart Tour release date announced for Android, iOS - Polygon ›
- Everything we know about the 'Mario Kart Tour' smartphone game ... ›
- Mario Kart Tour launches with subscription option priced the same ... ›
- 'Mario Kart Tour' Release Date On iOS And Android Is Tomorrow ... ›
- Nintendo's Mario takes driving seat in race for mobile hit - Reuters ›
- 'Mario Kart Tour' mobile racing is now available on Android and iOS ›
- Mario Kart Tour: Release date, price, platforms and more ›
- Nintendo's 'Mario Kart Tour' is out now for iPhone, iPad and Android ... ›
- Mario Kart Tour release date, price and trailer | TechRadar ›
- Mario Kart Tour - Trailer - YouTube ›