Satire

Donald Trump's Disinfectant Injection—and Other Brilliant Ideas (that Will Kill You)

Really really don't do any of this, or anything else the president tells you to do

Donald Trum

Photo by Evan Al-Amin/ Shutterstock

President Donald Trump made a medical breakthrough on Thursday, during his daily press briefing on the coronavirus pandemic.

Using his tried and true method of blurting out the first dumb idea that popped into his head, he stumbled upon the most dramatic advancement in health science since Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine. No doubt he was searching for new options after a study from the VA seemed to show that hydroxychloroquine—previously his favorite miracle cure—provided little to no benefit to COVID-19 patients. And he found those options in the course of the seemingly aimless rambling that is currently being broadcast on every major network and cable news channel on a daily basis.

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MUSIC

Hot Girl Quarantine: "Savage" Will Be the Song We Associate with Coronavirus Forever

As its dance goes viral and we're stuck in our homes, "Savage" will remind us of this dark time years from now.

Megan Thee Stallion - Savage [Official Audio]

Earlier this month, Megan Thee Stallion released her most vulnerable project yet, Suga.

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Culture News

The 5 Worst Celebrity Responses to Coronavirus

Some of us struggle to survive. Others complain on Instagram.

Photo by Hahn Lionel/ABACA/Shutterstock

Sometimes being a celebrity with millions of dollars leads a person to become just a tad out of touch with the rest of humanity.

While millions of Americans struggle to pay rent, afford food, and take care of their children in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, some celebrities have more pressing things to worry about—things like how unfair it is that they can't do whatever they want, and also what even is coronavirus? These are the five worst celebrity responses to coronavirus, ranked:

5. Gal Gadot

For Gal Gadot, six days in self-quarantine got her "feeling a bit philosophical." This manifested in the Wonder Woman star employing the help of her famous pals to put together an all-celebrity cover of John Lennon's Imagine. In fairness to Gal Godot—and unlike the other celebrities on this list—her heart is absolutely in the right place. It's a sweet sentiment, but at the same time, the result is just kind of off-putting. The singing isn't great, but more importantly, why do a group of multi-millionaires need to "imagine" a better world when, if they combined their vast resources, they could actually make a pretty substantial difference? At the very least, a lot of lower-level people in the film industry are currently out of work, and this small group of "dreamers" has hundreds of millions of dollars between them. Maybe they could find a way to help?

4. Jared Leto

Jared Leto is consistently terrible, so posting on Instagram about missing the entire start of the coronavirus pandemic hitting stateside due to a 12-day desert meditation retreat is 100% in-character. Leto's post feels less like a genuine show of concern than a humblebrag about being on a desert retreat and a reminder that he has many friends. How can one man possibly be so awful?

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A post shared by JARED LETO (@jaredleto) on Mar 16, 2020 at 10:26pm PDT

3. Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens had one job during the pandemic, and that was sitting in her mansion and basking in her wealth. Instead, she decided to use her time to make a video seemingly complaining about the massive response to the virus. "Even if everybody gets it, like yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible... but inevitable?" said Hudgens without a single shred of care for older and immunocompromised people who are currently living in fear. At least she apologized afterwards.

2. Amy Poehler, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh

In the comedy world, there are few improv theaters better known than Upright Citizens Brigade. Founded and co-owned by Amy Poehler, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh, UCB has launched the careers of many comedians and comedy writers. While the theater has received flack in the past for not paying their performers, they do employ a number of staff members including teachers, cafe employees, and technicians. Or at least they did before the coronavirus hit, after which they immediately fired nearly everyone. Of course, it's understandable that business need to make cuts, but when one of the owners has 30 million dollars to her name, it's not right to leave already low-paid employees floundering in a crisis.

1. Evangeline Lilly

For whatever reason, Ant-Man and the Wasp actress Evangeline Lilly is currently on a crusade against quarantining herself or her children in the face of COVID-19, because apparently nothing says superhero like helping to speed up a pandemic. So while others worry about their own well-being and care for their communities, Evangeline Lilly sends her probably infected kids to gymnastic camp, and then seems to b*tch about Marshall Law from Tekken, for god knows why.

"Where we are right now feels a lot too close to Marshall Law [sic] for my comfort already, all in the name of a respiratory flu. It's unnerving…Let's be vigilant right now. And kind. Watchful and gracious — keeping a close eye on our leaders, making sure they don't abuse this moment to steal away more freedoms and grab more power."

Major yikes.

Photo by Pam Menegakis on Unsplash

If there's anything that's spreading faster than COVID-19 is spreading across the globe, it's rumors and misinformation about the virus.

You may have heard any number of things about the new coronavirus that originated in Wuhan, China by now, but odds are that only a fraction of that information is actually accurate. Here are the craziest, falsest, and just plain funniest coronavirus conspiracy theories.

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MUSIC

From SXSW to Coachella, Will the Coronavirus Kill Live Music in 2020?

With a recent spate of cancellations and mounting fear of an emerging pandemic, the near-future of live music is in doubt.

Photo by Yvette de Wit on Unsplash

UPDATE:

Both SXSW and Coachella have been canceled, with the latter beung technically postponed until October. Coachella organizers released a statement on March 10:

At the direction of the County of Riverside and local health authorities, we must sadly confirm the rescheduling of Coachella and Stagecoach due to COVID-19 concerns. While this decision comes at a time of universal uncertainty, we take the safety and health of our guests, staff and community very seriously. We urge everyone to follow the guidelines and protocols put forth by public health officials.

Coachella will now take place on October 9, 10 and 11 and October 16, 17 and 18, 2020. Stagecoach will take place on October 23, 24 and 25, 2020. All purchases for the April dates will be honored for the rescheduled October dates. Purchasers will be notified by Friday, March 13 on how to obtain a refund if they are unable to attend.

Thank you for your continued support and we look forward to seeing you in the desert this fall.

Less than a week prior, for the first time in 34 years, SXSW was canceled by the city of Austin, citing public safety concerns over the coronavirus.

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CULTURE

Teen Vogue Defends Sex Work Because Teenage Girls Can Handle Politics

Being scandalized about teens learning about sex work is out of touch with reality.

YouTube/HerCampus

When's the last time you talked to a teen about prostitution?

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