Culture Feature

Why Does Chrissy Teigen Keep Dragging John Legend?

We're not saying Chrissy Teigen bullies John Legend... But if she does, he probably likes it.

John Legend has received a distinction no man has ever earned.

Sure, he's achieved a full EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony), he stars in an Emmy Award-winning TV show, and he's only the fourth person of color to be named People's "Sexiest Man Alive," but his most impressive credential by far is having Chrissy Teigen as his wife.

"My secret is out," she tweeted in 2019. "I have fulfilled my dream of having boned @people's sexiest man alive!! an honor!!!!"

Legend is arguably a trailblazer in this new avenue; as a baby-faced 40-year-old, his new "sexy" honor tips the balance in the eternal battle between being "cute" or "hot" but never a hybrid of both. Legend commented right away on the vacuous nature of the "Sexiest Man" title, "Everyone's going to be picking me apart to see if I'm sexy enough to hold this title," he told People. I'm [also] following Idris Elba, which is not fair and is not nice to me!"

No, it's not nice. But with Chrissy Teigen as his wife, Legend knows better than to expect niceties; because it's clear that no one, absolutely no one, is better at dragging John Legend than his wife.

Twitter

John Legend: The Icon, the Meme, the Aardvark

The Internet's love of the "John Legend looks like Arthur" meme doesn't compare to Chrissy Teigen's. She's returned the public's attention to it when it simply wasn't being appreciated enough, especially in reference to their daughter. Once upon a time, it seems Legend could appreciate the joke, even dressing up as the children's cartoon for a commercial once. But marriage is long and arduous, and not even eternal vows can't prepare you for having the Queen of Twitter as a spouse. Really, John Legend's exasperation in his wife's Instagram comments is the delicious coda to every little dig.


Chrissy Teigen: John Legend's Worst Fear

Shortly after being crowned the most symmetrical face in mainstream media, Legend guest-hosted the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Inevitably, during one of the interludes, Chrissy Teigen popped out of the fake piece of furniture that's always lying around Ellen's set so nearly every celebrity guest can be caught on camera having a moment of pure, animalistic fear. This is John Legend's fear face:

Chrissy Teigen Scares Guest Host John Legend www.youtube.com


Even scared, he looks so carefree. How? I don't trust it.



After bantering about the uncomfortable logistics of sitting in a box so you can yell "boo" at your husband, whom you probably live with and could do a better job of scaring the next time he's emerging from the shower, Teigen seemed to believe that her husband genuinely had no idea she was in the studio. Teigen asked him, "You didn't hear me banging around the box?" "No, I did not," Legend answered. Teigen lamented to the audience, "This helps because he's very unaware of anything around him. Like we get in fights on the airplane and stuff. He'll hit people with his bag. And I'm like apologize!"

Chrissy Teigen Isn't a Huge John Legend Fan

What makes that Ellen scare even better is that Chrissy Teigen seems to alternate between flippantly sharing intimate details about her and John's love life and also not knowing pretty basic, very public information about her own husband. Why? Because she's busy. No, she never saw Selma, despite her husband taking home his first Oscar for writing the moving score. Why? Because she didn't feel like it, mind your business!

Chrissy Teigen Doesn't Know Jack About John Legend www.youtube.com


Chrissy Teigen: Not Afraid to Challenge Idris Elba

In order to clearly communicate his deep feelings of inferiority compared to Idris Elba, John Legend took to Twitter to compare a picture of himself at 17 to the aesthetic pleasure that is the one and only Idrissa Akuna Elba, OBE. To her credit, Teigen wrote an encouraging response that magnanimously pointed to the fact that we all have old photos of ourselves in which we look like a half-transformed Animorph beast...except Idris Elba. "Yeah but let's see an @idriselba pic from 1995 (prob still very hot)," she wrote.

And indeed, Elba accepted her challenge and posted a photo of himself as a smoking hot twenty-something year old in 1995, which at a certain point is honestly tantamount to an attack on society, because who needs to look like this?




Yes, Chrissy Teigen tried, but must you, Idris Elba?! One day I'm going to start a movement to dismantle beauty biases in Hollywood and all of American culture just so I can shame people for being so hot. Oh, what? That's already a toxic take that's historically targeted women who vote and write and have senses of humor while daring to look better than an unwashed bridge troll? Much like former Sports Illustrated model-turned-author-turned-beloved-TV-personality Chrissy Teigen? who has the honor of being the target of Trump's Twitter rampages??? Nevermind, then. Clearly, Chrissy Teigen bullies John Legend, the "Sexiest Man Alive" in 2019, as an ironic commentary on beauty biases and shame that pervades American media. I get it now.

B.S.

Guide to Ruining Every Valentine’s Day Playlist

You can reclaim every terrible rom-com and love song from romantic saps if you follow this guide to setting the right cynical mood.

Deviant Art: sternsch

Saint Valentine never gave a shit about the marriage of young lovers.

And since he's been headless for 2,000 years, he certainly doesn't care about those of us who will die alone and half blind from binging Netflix in the dark while drowning our sorrows in Orange Vanilla Diet Coke. Hollywood has already sullied the Valentine name — for both of the men named Valentine who were randomly executed by Romans before we based this irrelevant holiday on them — by creating monstrously bad plots about unrealistic relationships and daring to say "#goals."

So rather than wasting energy on an "anti-Valentine" stance, why not fully lean into this wretch of a holiday with the most cliche entries on every watchlist and playlist in existence? You just have to set the right kind of mood to enjoy their absurdity. Here are the top seven ways to spend Valentine's Day when you'd rather die alone than learn to tolerate a lover's back sweat:

1.WATCH: When Harry Met Sally

YouTube

WHILE...trimming your cat's nails. Just because it's an outdated and formulaic rom-com doesn't mean you can't still enjoy this slice of bubble gum cinema without shame! Just be sure to appreciate that life is also terror and blind panic — unless you also live in a movie featuring well-maintained college friendships and successful careers immediately after graduating.

2. LISTEN: "You Belong to Me" by Patsy Cline

The Art Stack

THEN...call your dad for the first time since finishing college, but play Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence" into the phone without saying a word. Because life is about balance.

3. WATCH: Pretty Woman

Hollywood.com

WHILE...working from home just to wait for the plumber to come by "between 12 and 6 PM" on a week day. After two days of rescheduling, the company will call to confirm your name, and you'll channel Julia Roberts: "What do you want it to be — come fix my fucking sink!"

4. LISTEN: "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran

IMDB

WHILE... setting fire to an ex's house. Lyrics that say, "Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars / Place your hand on my beating heart" sound like a survival anthem if there ever was one.

(DISCLAIMER: We at Popdust do not condone arson in any shape or form. Please note that "arson," as defined by New York State, is the "intentional damage to a building or motor vehicle by causing an explosion or a fire" and is a felony under the law.

(We also don't condone listening to Ed Sheeran).

5. WATCH: The Wedding Singer

E! News

WHILE...Nothing. Drew Barrymore is goddamn delightful.

6. LISTEN: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston

Netflix

THEN...watch the Netflix documentary Tent City, U.S.A. It's about a homeless community in Nashville, Tennessee where people have nothing. Houston's lovely lyric, "Stay in my arms if you dare," is probably what inhabitants told each other while the local authorities attempted to tear the compound down. What? Not everything is about you and your lonely life.

7. WATCH: Titanic

Dexati

WHILE...guessing Rose's age. How old is Jack? Are they teenagers? Maybe it's for the best; they would've ended up on Teen Mom. It would've been a matter of time before Rose stopped finding class differences sexy, anyway.


Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.


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