CULTURE

This Week in Internet Hell: No Cats or Teenagers Were Hurt During the Making of This List

What do Shane Dawson, Wolf Blitzer, and egg rolls have in common? They each ruined our week.

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March Madness is the Internet's favorite time of year if you don't count April Fool's, the Super Bowl, and any time after midnight.

This week, we've been shocked to find that YouTubers might be desperate for attention, criminals also love greasy takeout, and Wolf Blitzer wants to be a teen idol. Here are five bright, horrible moments from the Internet this week.

1. This Is Probably NOT Human Slavery on eBay...but also Is It?!

No, no—this creative teen is probably poking fun at Internet job postings, or eBay, or rampant consumerism that commodifies every aspect of human experience. Right?! Her entire listing for "Hailey J. Eilert - Varsity Appllication [sic]" reads: "I am a hardworking individual who is ready to start working! I love the unique style of the company and feel I would be a good fit as I am a fast learner and team player. As a sophomore, I have a very flexible schedule and a car so I can easily adapt to a busy work schedule. For privacy concerns, I attached another document to my original email providing more detailed information about my references and employers as well as my school schedule. Thank You!"

Ebay - haileeiler-0

2. YouTuber Shane Dawson Probably Fucked His Cat

3. Florida Man Arrested, Accused of Shoving Woman to Get Egg Rolls

This is a story about a man who got arrested after trying to shove his way into a woman's house to access egg rolls. I like it because the dude just really wanted some egg rolls. That's pretty wholesome. Obviously, this was in Florida.

Yeah, he looks like he just had egg rolls.Klew TV

4. Reality Is the Best Prank Ever

Is this real or a dream or a gift?

5. Remember Craigslist: Missed Connections?

Guys, this gentle soul even included a map. Send help!

Craigslist - New York - Missed Connections


Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.


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Jack White almost became a priest.

But then again, did he? The iconic rocker has regularly beguiled the press. "I'd got accepted to a seminary in Wisconsin," he told 60 Minutes Mike Wallace back in 2005 in what seemed like a moment of genuine candor. "At the last second, I thought, 'I'll just go to public school."

Whether you believe that story or not, the blues-rock polymath, who turns 45 today, has led an undeniably punk life and crafted some of the most sacred rock music in history. Two decades after The White Stripes' self-titled debut, Jack White has remained purposefully slippery with the public. He told publications that he and Meg White, his then-wife and White Stripes-cohort, were the youngest of ten siblings and claimed that his label, Third Man Records, used to be a candy company, among other outlandish claims.

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Can you tell the difference between intentional copypastas and things that were written seriously?

Copypastas are text-based memes––paragraphs or stories that get copied and shared over and over again on the Internet. Usually appearing on forums and message boards, they tend to be written for humorous effect or with the intent of trolling unsuspecting readers.

Of course, there are plenty of insane stories and quotes that are written and shared genuinely too. See if you can discern between the two.

We'll give you ten examples of text-based stories. You decide whether the story is a copypasta or a real thing that someone said with the intent of being taken seriously. At the end, tally up your correct answers to find out whether or not you're capable of hanging out with the big kids online.

Let's begin. And be sure to scroll slowly – the answers are right below the text.

1.

REAL – Tweeted by YouTube star Shane Dawson after people dredged up videos of a joke he made nearly a decade ago.

2.

COPYPASTA – A classic on bodybuilding and fitness-related threads.

3.

COPYPASTA – Typically used as a response to perceived insults online.

4.

REAL – This is a real quote submitted by a Redditor to r/atheism in an attempt to describe his personal experience not believing in God. Unsurprisingly, he was immediately and mercilessly ridiculed.

5.

REAL – This post sources back to a guy on Facebook (codenamed "Shiverbert on Reddit's r/thathappened forum) who genuinely claimed this happened to him in real life. It definitely didn't, but he posted it 100% seriously.

6.

COPYPASTA – While parodying actual Rick & Morty fans, the difference is barely discernible.

7.

COPYPASTA – Bill Nye can be replaced with any other celebrity to crush fans' dreams.

8.

REAL – An excerpt from a real 2008 conversation on a bodybuilding forum that devolved into many users trying to convince one guy that weeks didn't work the way he thought they did.

9.

COPYPASTA – A mockery of the kind of people who enjoy "random Internet humor."

10.

REAL – While it may read like a parody of Trump's mannerism, this is a real speech he delivered as the President of the United States of America.

Tally up the number of posts you correctly assessed for your final score:

1-2 Correct: You clearly have trouble discerning between truth and fiction. You should consider running for president.

3-4 Correct: Keep us all posted on your continued progress.

5-7 Correct: At this moment, you are euphoric.

8-9 Correct: You're so perceptive, you must be a writer.

10 Correct: Are you a Rick & Morty fan?

So how do you tell the difference between fake posts and real posts online? Heck if we know, everything is batshit insane.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com



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