This Week in Internet Hell: No Cats or Teenagers Were Hurt During the Making of This List

What do Shane Dawson, Wolf Blitzer, and egg rolls have in common? They each ruined our week.

March Madness is the Internet's favorite time of year if you don't count April Fool's, the Super Bowl, and any time after midnight.

This week, we've been shocked to find that YouTubers might be desperate for attention, criminals also love greasy takeout, and Wolf Blitzer wants to be a teen idol. Here are five bright, horrible moments from the Internet this week.

1. This Is Probably NOT Human Slavery on eBay...but also Is It?!

No, no—this creative teen is probably poking fun at Internet job postings, or eBay, or rampant consumerism that commodifies every aspect of human experience. Right?! Her entire listing for "Hailey J. Eilert - Varsity Appllication [sic]" reads: "I am a hardworking individual who is ready to start working! I love the unique style of the company and feel I would be a good fit as I am a fast learner and team player. As a sophomore, I have a very flexible schedule and a car so I can easily adapt to a busy work schedule. For privacy concerns, I attached another document to my original email providing more detailed information about my references and employers as well as my school schedule. Thank You!"

Ebay - haileeiler-0

2. YouTuber Shane Dawson Probably Fucked His Cat

3. Florida Man Arrested, Accused of Shoving Woman to Get Egg Rolls

This is a story about a man who got arrested after trying to shove his way into a woman's house to access egg rolls. I like it because the dude just really wanted some egg rolls. That's pretty wholesome. Obviously, this was in Florida.

Yeah, he looks like he just had egg rolls.Klew TV

4. Reality Is the Best Prank Ever

Is this real or a dream or a gift?

5. Remember Craigslist: Missed Connections?

Guys, this gentle soul even included a map. Send help!

Craigslist - New York - Missed Connections

Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.

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Shane Dawson is The Real Victim Here

The strangest celebrity apology of all time.

In perhaps the most "did anyone ask?" apology of 2019 so far, Shane Dawson has come out to firmly and decisively deny having sex with his cat.

Which immediately raised the question: did Shane Dawson have sex with his cat?

The 30-year-old YouTube star is referencing a resurfaced clip from a podcast in 2015 in which he said, "One time I laid my cat down on her back...I moved her little chicken legs spread open or whatever, I came all over the cat. It was like my first sexual experience," he said. "I was also like 19." As much as this sounds like a snippet of oddly specific erotic fiction found in some very dark, desperate corner of the world wide web, Dawson claims it was intended as a joke.

He continued to wildly over-explain for 7 more tweets:

The best part of Dawson's apology is its bizarre intensity. It's hard to think of a stronger lead sentence than, "i didn't fuck my cat." Because the thing is, no one REALLY thought Dawson fucked his cat until he denied it so vehemently. If he had tried laughing off the absurdity of the claim, we would all have been like, "oh, well, what white dude hasn't said something truly heinous he thought would make a great sketch?" But listen, Shane, when a friend jokingly accuses you of taking your sister to prom, and you retort, "I DID NOT TAKE MY SISTER TO PROM FUCK YOU," everyone is suddenly pretty clear on the fact that you took your sister to prom.

While the overall tone of self-pity and martyrdom in this thread is truly stunning, perhaps the best line of all is: "but all of my offensive jokes, over the top stories, and insensitive jokes are something that still haunt me and something I have to be faced with everyday on the internet. and it never gets easier." Truly, Shane Dawson is bearing a heavy cross few can imagine.

The trials and tribulations of a white male YouTube personality are just something the rest of us can never know. Imagine having to be accountable for the disgusting things you say on public platforms. Imagine facing the kind of oppression Dawson has faced in being accused of fucking his cat (because he once graphically described fucking his cat). Imagine having the courage and bravery to carry on making shitty Internet content anyway.

Now, to add to a poor, poor Dawson's already burdened soul, more instances of the "offensive jokes, over the top stories, and insensitive jokes" he referred to have surfaced. These include his comments on trans people, his use of the n-word, and previously doing blackface.

Thoughts and prayer to Shane Dawson, the obvious victim in all of this, in this trying time. A true role model for us all. May his heavy load grow lighter (not the one he busted on his cat's stomach, his metaphorical, emotional load).

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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