CULTURE

Which Marvel Characters Would Win/Lose "No Nut November"

An Article That Presages the Collapse of Civilization

Picture this: It's midnight on November 1st, and suddenly wormholes open up across the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the super-powered men of Marvel are slurped off to Sakaar, the trash-planet from Thor: Ragnarok.

The Grandmaster, a.k.a. Jeff Goldblum, has a sadistic task for them. They can return to their usual lives, but they may not succumb to temptations of the flesh for one month, or they will be instantly transported to his stadium to fight to the death as gladiators. In other words, they are now participating in No Nut November…and Jeff Goldblum has already been disqualified.

Jeff Goldblum making a face He actually lasted longer than we expected...

Who will succeed? Who will face the trials of the stadium? Could Thanos snap and cause everyone to nut at once? Truly, these are questions for the ages, and probably already the plot of one of the 300 marvel movies currently in production. Let's get into it.

Winner: Doctor Strange

Benedict Cumberbatch being groped

Doctor Strange has perfect, mystical control of his body. He can probably achieve the salutary effects of climax through meditation (or some far-more-elaborate-than-the-usual hand gestures), without any of the mess. If the No-Nut judges don't rule this as cheating, Doctor Strange should be in the clear.

Toss-up: Hulk

Ruffalo horny

Hulk is functionally asexual. His rage, much like the rage of confused young men around the world, is closely tied to his lack of sexual self-awareness and the resulting inability to achieve release. But the calm and collected Banner-Hulk Hybrid introduced in Endgame is clearly on a very well-balanced, once-every-48-hour nut-schedule. He could last all month if isolated, but he would begin to lose his composure around day four, and he would quickly become a full-blown, monosyllabic monster, until forced to watch some giantess p*rn and imagine being stepped on by a 50-foot woman.

Loser: Spider-Man

peter parker web fluid

Ewww!

Peter Parker is a teenage boy. Enough said…except that I have so much more to say. Spider-man has always been a metaphor for puberty: the sudden transformation, the obsessive sexual tension of his will-they/won't they romances, as well as certain aspects of his powers. For instance: Have you ever wondered where his web-fluid comes from?

In various iterations, he just magically produces it from his wrists (huh?), or he magically knows how to chemically synthesize it from materials that are readily available in a high school chemistry lab (hmm…). Both of these explanations raise more questions than they answer. What precedent is there for any kind of protein to be extruded through the wrists? And what are the odds of the kid who is randomly bitten by a radioactive spider also achieving a generational breakthrough in materials science?

Maybe Peter is clever enough to tweak and perfect his web-fluid in the lab, but there must be an initial anatomical source for the web-fluid that is adapted from existing structures, which preferably ties into Spider-man's metaphorical puberty framework...some kind of sticky, protein-rich fluid that a pubescent boy would have particular access to...in other words, Peter Parker is giving in to his "peter-tingle" with enough regularity to sling web all over New York City. With those habits, it's hard to imagine him lasting past lunchtime on November 1st.

Winner: Captain America

Captain America disappointed

He's so disappointed in you

Steve Rogers tried pleasuring himself once, in 1941, and has never quite gotten over the shame. The hardest thing about No Nut November would be coming to grips with how much the rest of the world is "coming to grips" around him.

Loser: Hawkeye

Hawkeye crying

Hawkeye would lose within the first hour, cry-stroking to his own reflection and grunting out "Heaven don't have a name," at the moment of climax.

Winner: Iron Man

tony stark being a womanizer

Tony Stark is a notorious womanizer and horndog, but he's also a scientific genius with addictive tendencies. He undoubtedly knows the specific combination of drugs to perfectly suppress his sex drive, and he'd probably channel all that extra energy into new technological breakthroughs. As long as he could maintain the right chemical balance, the world would probably be better off with a celibate Tony Stark.

Toss-up: Thor

Depressed Thor

Skip the hammer puns. Let's get to the real question: Do gods play with themselves? Early in his MCU arc, it would have seemed quite out-of-character for Thor to even be aware of such a mortal pastime, but the depressed Thor of Endgame introduced a whole realm of very human hedonism. Thor would either last the whole month without much thought, or he'd give in to defeatism on day one and crank out a thundery one just to get it over with.

Toss-up: Loki

Loki O face

It's still unclear how gods' sexuality functions, but it's hard to imagine a No-Nut scenario in which Loki is not spending all his time tempting and seducing the other characters with sexy illusions. F*cking with people is how he figuratively gets off, and if he fails to last the whole month without getting off literally, it will no doubt be incidental to some sort of Shakespearean bed-trick whereby he's disguised as someone else and returns to himself mid-O face.

Winner: Black Panther

T'Challa is noteworthy for his restraint and self-control. While his romantic life doesn't seem to be lacking in passion, he has been raised to be a level-headed leader and diplomat and would probably have no problem tamping down his impulses for a month, maybe by hanging out with the spooky dead guys on the ancestral-plane. That place seems like a definite boner-killer.

Loser: Star Lord

Peter Quill has vintage tastes. He most likely isn't aware of the perverse wonders of the Internet, but he may still recall an issue of playboy he found in the woods when he was 10. Whatever old school material he has stored in his spank bank is no doubt well-worn, but not nearly as potent as the specialty material at our fingertips today. He can probably last at least a week, but the full month seems like a stretch.

Toss-up: Ant-Man

Scott Lang has spent time in prison, which more or less guarantees that he is well-acquainted with a handheld remedy for boredom. Fortunately, he also has access to the dangerous and unpredictable Quantum Realm, where time can pass at a hyper-accelerated rate. He may choose to spend the month risking his life there, rather than face a full month of abstaining.

And now that we've reached the end of this article...we should probably all re-examine the life choices that brought us here.

Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

Keep Reading Show less
FILM

"Spider-Man: Far From Home" Is the Best Sequel of the Year

Also, Jake Gyllenhaal is super hot and that makes up for his character's cliché motivation.

After the dark ages of Sony's floundering Spider-Man reboot, there's one thing fans and critics can all agree on: We love the new Peter Parker.

Tom Holland has brought fresh life to a character seemingly long-abandoned, and director Jon Watts cemented Spider-Man's comeback with the highly praised Spider-Man: Homecoming. But sequels are notoriously hard to get right, so Spiderman: Far From Home had a very big suit to fill.

And it filled the suit well. The main glowing achievement in this film, as with the previous one, was the superb acting from the main and supporting cast. Every single character was a pure delight to watch, and returning director Watts managed to keep a youthful, light-hearted tone throughout the whole film.

It was a little disappointing that Far From Home wasn't as much a buddy-comedy with Peter and Ned as it was in Homecoming. But what was lost in bromance was made up for with actual romance. MJ (played by the exceptional Zendaya) comes into the fold as the coolest kid you never actually spoke to in high school. Her chemistry with Peter is charming and undeniable; they play off each other effortlessly. I honestly haven't been this invested in a teen romance since Freaks and Geeks was taken off the air (RIP Lindsay and Daniel's misplaced love).

Jake Gyllenhaal's presence in the film is very appreciated, even if it seems to come out of nowhere. His is a really interesting take on the Mysterio character, replacing the magical element of his illusions with science and future-tech. Without delving too deep into spoiler territory, Mysterio's motivation ends up being a bit hackneyed.

It could be argued that this was intentional, poking fun at the tired "bad-guy" trope that's permeated the Marvel universe since the first Iron Man. But being tongue-in-cheek doesn't make the premise any more compelling, even if it is playful. Not a huge sticking point, but compared to the spectacularly menacing performance from Micheal Keaton as Vulture in the last Spider-Man film, Mysterio leaves a bit to be desired.

The only real complaint I can see being made about this film is that Spider-Man doesn't really have a character arc. His main goal in the film is to relax and tell MJ how he feels. Maybe what Watt was trying to do was show Peter attempting to have a normal life, then deciding that he needs to step up and take responsibility for his powers.

But that doesn't really happen. Instead, Peter says he wants to have a normal vacation and tell MJ how he feels, but at the first sign of chaos he jumps straight into action. For the rest of the film, he's complaining about having to fight evil, but he doesn't actually make any decisions about it. He just kind of does what he's told.

No one really cares about character arcs, though, so odds are that you won't really be bothered by this. The movie gets so many things right: authentic romance, genuine laughs, touching character moments, and top-notch special effects. The battle scenes, in particular, were thrilling, maybe even making it worth an IMAX ticket. If you loved the first movie, you're going to love this one. And stick around for the post-credit scene, which has definitely been spoiled online at this point—I think we're all ready for the next Spider-Man installment.

Rating: ⚡⚡⚡⚡/5