Meet the Man Who Wants to Sue the NFL for $867 Trillion Because J. Lo Made Him Horny

Coach Dave Daubenmire claims that the "crotch shots" in the Super Bowl Halftime show put him "in danger of hellfire."

Dave Daubenmire is angry.

All he wanted was to watch enormous young men in tight pants giving each other concussions for a living. But instead, Fox decided to put his immortal soul at risk.

He has been called "America's most Christian football coach," but the world's angriest Christian would be equally accurate. Daubenmire, or "Coach Dave" as he calls himself, was once a public high school teacher and football coach in Ohio, until the 1990s, when the ACLU sued him for continually preaching Christian theology to his players. After that horrifying instance of frivolous litigation—so frivolous that it didn't even involve trillions of dollars—Coach Dave left teaching to found Pass the Salt Ministries to "unite, organize, and mobilize the Army of God." His approach to this task seems to largely consist of ranting articles, videos, and in-person motivational speeches.

But last week he elevated his ranting to an artform with a flow of rage so intense and beautiful that it could only be divinely inspired. In a live stream on Monday morning, mere hours after the Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl LIV, Coach Dave had already worked up a head of steam that he could barely contain—switching between a tone of stoic scholarship and rapturous, earsplitting denunciation throughout his hour-long address.

"You didn't tell me… You didn't tell me there were gonna be crotch shots!" (Emphasis is our own… but he seriously spends half the video shouting.)

The phenomenon of "crotch shots" are of particular interest to Coach Dave, who wears a baseball cap with a cross embroidered on the front while he preaches—also available in camouflage from the Coach Dave Live online store. He variously refers to "crotch shots flying everywhere" without warning, and he identifies Jennifer Lopez as "an expert in crotch shots," yet he vehemently denies having seen the spectacle himself—"I didn't watch it. I can only imagine. I saw crotch shots today." While the halftime show put on by J. Lo and Shakira contained no nudity, or even an outline of genitalia, the visible existence of an anatomical space between a woman's legs seems to frighten and disturb him.

J. Lo Crotch The horror...Getty Images

"Would anyone think that wasn't designed to arouse us."

The idea that network television, being "blasted" into our homes could contain images that could cause him to feel urges and temptations in his nethers, "itching, uneasy with desire," is not only unacceptable to Coach Dave, it's grounds for a lawsuit—"Why can't we file a class-action lawsuit, go into court and use this as our evidence?" You might be asking what possible damages Dave could claim for being exposed to "crotch shots," but that's because you're forgetting the highest value of all: the fate of his immortal soul.

As Dave puts it, "Could I go into a courtroom and say, 'Viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire?'" When you look at it from that perspective, no sum of money could possibly measure up to the profound damage that Fox and the NFL have done to him, but Dave's suggested sum—"I want to sue them for about 867 trillion dollars"—would be a good start.

Of course, some Christians might try to calm Dave down by reminding him that Jesus preached to "love your enemy," not to sue them. In their view, Christ would want Dave to allow Fox to smack us across the face with J. Lo's ass and simply turn the other cheek. But Dave's writings make it clear that he does not agree. In an article entitled "What Are We Teaching Our Sons" Dave decries the "wussification" of modern culture and invites the reader in the first paragraph to "stop reading now if you think Jesus was a softie"—wise words.

J. Lo and Shakira PIctured: J. Lo and WhoeverAP Photo/Patrick Semansky

Coach Dave knows that this Super Bowl stuff is a big deal. "I think we're at war. I don't say 'oh, that's just a small hand grenade, if they come shooting missiles, then I'm gonna do something.'" No, Coach Dave is diving on that hand grenade by looking at the crotch shots, risking hellfire, and shouting at his fans, "They had a pole dance thing!" While his website refers to his "1st amendment rights" to force high school students to pray with him, Coach Dave knows that free speech does not include "J. Lo and whoever" doing sexy dances.

"That's discriminatory against the values I have in my house. You can't just do that! They w—won't even let you talk about homos on facebook… You mean, I can't watch it because there might be something offensive to me? They can't do that! The judge just can't say, 'Well, Coach, turn it off.'" Coach Dave, who clearly knows a lot about discrimination, has elsewhere argued against interracial marriage after a visit to the zoo because "you don't see eagles marrying buzzards," and "I don't think I saw one Oriental married to a black guy." Solid stuff.

In his article on modern masculinity, Coach Dave argues that "scalping Injuns was a wonderful life for a young man to live. Today you can't even use the name Indian," and later goes on to ask, "Is it any wonder we have gender-confusion in America?" and, "Do you want your son to be taught to be nice or to be a man?" And really, who wouldn't want their kid to grow up to be an angry, violent bully like Coach Dave—i.e. a real man.

Good luck with your lawsuit, Dave! We're all rooting for you.