This week's Vanderpump Rules kicked off with Stassi Schroeder holding down the fort in LA while the rest of the gang were partying it up in Miami.

However, much to her dismay, they were all due to arrive back in town, just as Shroeder gave her pal and only remaining #TeamStassi member, Kristina, a ride to SUR.

As Popdust previously reported, Stassi has been majorly pissed at Katie Maloney for going to Florida with the rest of the group. Stassi thought it was a betrayal for her to hang out with them, while Katie saw it as a good step for improving the relationship with her boyfriend.

On their way to SUR, Kristina told Stassi she understood why she was mad, but didn’t think that Katie had done anything wrong. Was she seriously, actually disagreeing with Stassi? Did she want to die a slow and painful death?

Meanwhile, inside the shit show that is SUR, Lisa Vanderpump was chatting with Jax Taylor and Katie. Katie told Lisa about how Stassi still wouldn’t speak to her. Queen V advised Katie to stand her ground, because she did nothing wrong. Oh, and Jax admitted he would give his left nut to be back with Stassi

Peter Madrigal had his sights set on the new girl, Vail. They sat out back and talked while on break. Peter flirted with her no end and Vail did it right back at him. They discussed what went down in Miami, and Vail denied having hooked up with Jax—but even a deaf, dumb and blind person could confirm that it happened. Good thing everyone at SUR doesn’t mind sloppy seconds—cause Peter was going in for the kill.

Kristen Doute, the certified lunatic, was hanging out with her boyfriend and Scheana Marie. Scheana discussed the stress of organizing her wedding seating chart. Oh my God, can anyone say #FirstWorldProblems?!!

Jax decided to dump his latest girlfriend, so naturally, he was now trying to get his other ex-girlfriend, Carmen, to be his date to Scheana’s wedding. Scheana asked Kristen about her conversation with Tom Sandoval in Miami and Kristen deviously smiled like the bat shit crazy bitch that she is. James, her pre-pubescent boyfriend, was annoyed that Kristen just refuses to shut the fuck up about Tom. And to be honest, I would be too.

Jax met up with Carmen, because, let’s be honest, basically he was looking for some ass. Sorry, just an assumption. Anywho, he basically begged her to come to the wedding with him. She looked at him like he had 17 heads, yet wanted to bang him at the same time. He told her he was sorry for the way things ended between them and for breaking up with her at a pizza shop.

Freakin’ classic. This dude is a catch, ladies.

Kristen and her friend, Rachael, went for a hike. Of course, she did nothing but talk about Tom. For some odd reason, she was borderline obsessed with this random Miami chick that was claiming to have banged Tom a few months back. This random chick was supposedly planning to come to Los Angeles to confront Tom. Kristen seemed as excited as a little kid at Christmas.

Why you ask? Well, if the rumor was true, she was hoping Ariana would break up with Tom and they would be able to get back together. Seems totally logical and level-headed—and not psychotic at all—right?

Peter finally found the balls to ask Vail out. It obviously wasn’t too clear though because she thought it was a coffee date between friends kinda deal. The two met around 5pm. She was ready to order tea, while he was ready to slug a bottle of wine. Their “date” was quite possibly the most awkward thing I’ve ever witnessed. Peter creepily stared at her the entire time. She thought about telling him she was a lesbian. Sorry, Peter, I think you’re gonna have to take the L on this one.

Leaving the best drama till last—Stassi and Katie finally met up to discuss the Miami situation. Stassi basically felt that Katie betrayed her by going behind her back and hanging out with the crew. Katie tried to explain that she simply went to make things better between her and boyfriend, Tom Schwartz.

Katie said that she felt like she had been a loyal friend to Stassi through everything. Stassi acted like a little bitch who thinks the entire world revolves around her feelings. Katie stood her ground though, as she should. She basically told Stassi to go fuck herself and enjoy having no friends.

Kudos to you, Katie!

Next week, the random whack job Miami chick shows up at SUR—This show is a train wreck—a sad, yet SO AMAZING train wreck.

Check out Popdust's gallery of Scheana's Miami Bachelorette party photos—and tune in to Bravo every Monday at 9pm to catch all new episodes of Vanderpump Rules

Hell has officially frozen over on Vanderpump Rules.

It was Stassi Schroeder’s birthday and she wasn’t making everyone treat it like a national holiday. As you may remember, the gang embarked on the infamous Cabo trip last year for her birthday. This year she opted for something slightly more low key and that didn’t involve the phrase “IT”S MY BIRTHDAY” every 13 seconds.

Her bestie, Kristina Kelly, and the new SUR chick, Vail, went to dinner to celebrate. Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney also joined in on the wine tasting. Long story short, they spent the majority of the night shit talking Scheana Marie’s upcoming wedding.

In their defense, the invitations looked like they were meant for a drag queen’s cocktail party. Ironically enough, they toasted to having no drama this year. I admire their stupidity. It is revealed at the dinner that Schwartz got an invite to the wedding minus his better half, Katie. Naturally, that went over really well.

Scheana ventured over to Lisa Vanderpump’s massive estate to pick up serving trays. This house, which is the size of a small country, has swans swimming by the front door. Fucking swans. Scheana began talking about her impending nuptials and how Katie wasn’t getting an invite.

Lisa, the British Oprah, told Scheana that she thought she should be the bigger person and extend an olive branch to Katie. The whole group is planning to go to Miami for the bachelor/bachelorette party, which could ultimately mend fences or go up in flames. Deductive reasoning tells us to lean toward the flames. Scheana agreed to extend an invite to Katie and Lisa sent the little peasant on her way.

Jax Taylor, Tom Sandoval, Peter Madrigal, and Schwartz were getting ready for a boys weekend in San Diego. Jax’s girlfriend, Tiffany, hooked them up with a room and VIP accommodations. Last week, Jax proclaimed to the world that he and Tiffany were on the rocks, but then denied it.

They packed up Schwartz’s car and hit the road promising one another that they must behave. While in the car, the boys discussed how fucking stupid Jax is. He had coffee with Vail and told Tiffany. It didn’t go over so well in her book. He claimed Vail tweeted about them having coffee, when in reality it was his stupid ass.

Upon their arrival in San Diego, the drinking commenced almost immediately. Jax, being as predictable as the sun coming up every morning, got hammered and flirted with every busty chick that glanced in his general direction.

Back in LA, Lisa’s event was going on at SUR. All the girls were working. Scheana found the balls to finally speak to Katie and invite her to her bridal shower. Scheana told her that she wants to put the past behind them and try to get along. Katie agreed with her and happily accepted her invitation to the tackiest wedding of the year.

The boys were getting ready to hit the town—ya know, straightening their hair and whatnot. They hit up the club that Tiffany had arranged for bottle service. Sandoval was dead set on Jax doing something stupid over the weekend because Jax was giving him every reason to think that.

And sure enough, Jax got wasted and went back to the room with a bunch of random girls. The next morning, Tom knew that Jax had cheated on Tiffany, but, of course, he was adamantly denying it. His answer: one of the girls was throwing up and he was holding back her hair. Classic.

After their arrival back in LA, Katie told Schwartz she was going to the bridal shower. He seemed pretty happy about her decision because it would make things a lot easier for him. He told her how Jax banged a skank in the bathroom. Sandoval then came over and said he knew Jax did it, but wasn’t going to get involved.

It was the day of Scheana’s shower, which was being held at Lisa’s other restaurant, Villa Blanca. All the ladies, including Katie, were on hand to celebrate. Katie revealed to Lisa that she would be in attendance for the Miami trip and that she thought she did the right thing by coming. However, she had yet to tell Stassi about her new bestie.

Kristen Doute showed up with Jax’s ex-girlfriend in tow. Ironic, right? Kristen talked shit about Scheana’s relationship with Katie and how she’s pissed she was coming to Miami. Seriously though, Kristen—shut up and take a seat—you and your 12-year-old boyfriend barely made the cut.

Scheana decided to text Stassi to discuss the status of their “friendship”. When will these morons learn that these sit down chats accomplish next to nothing? Scheana brought up that Jax hooked up with someone in San Diego. Kristen was like a fly on shit because she believed if Jax got backed into a corner he would reveal that Sandoval cheated in Miami. She seriously needs to be medicated.

Jax, Schwartz, and Sandoval met for lunch to recap their weekend. Schwartz and Sandoval let it be known that they knew Jax cheated on his girlfriend. In classic Jax fashion, the memories of the night magically, suddenly, became much clearer. He used the excuse of the girl throwing up again, but the boys weren’t buying. Anyone with two functioning brain cells could tell you that Jax is a scum bag and without a doubt cheated. Case closed.

After lunch, Jax decided to call Tiffany and tell her the “truth”. He said he let people in the club get too close to him. She was immediately pissed that he didn’t tell her. He used the throwing up excuse and she hung up on him.

Stassi finally met with Scheana. After some really awkward small talk, Stassi asked her what she’d done to her hurt. Scheana said that she thought Stassi made fun of her wedding. Scheana then told her that Katie was coming to her bachelorette party and she shit her pants. It was pretty obvious that Katie hadn’t told her yet.

Stassi was pissed that Scheana befriended Jax and Kristen, the two people that betrayed her the most last summer. In an attempt to prove they are literally like 5-year olds, Stassi referenced Scheana’s love for retweeting mean shit about. Stassi basically told Scheana that there wasn’t a shot in hell of them becoming friends again. Scheana agreed and walked off into the sunset with her turban and unitard.

Now that Stassi feels Katie betrayed her, shit is going to hit the fan, folks.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9pm on Bravo.

As we saw on last week’s Vanderpump Rules, Jax Taylor is getting a nose job because “he has a deviated septum”, which really means “my nose is huge and I’m a girl”.

Prior to surgery, Jax meets up with his two best buds, Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz. They pour themselves beers out of brown bags outside of an eyebrow threading studio. They’re pre-gaming the pain, if you will. Despite all the insanity that went down last season between Tom and Jax, they seem to have really put it behind them and can support one another during the tough times, like getting their eyebrows waxed.

Only in LA, people. Only in LA.

As Popdust previously reported, last week, Kristen Doute went over to ex-boyfriend Tom’s apartment to pick up the cable box. She cried for the entire visit and we’re pretty sure she had her makeup done, but Tom was more concerned that he was losing shows on the DVR. His new girlfriend, Ariana, was there to watch the shit show go down, but kept her mouth shut the entire time.

Stassi Schroeder made an appearance back at her old stomping grounds, SUR. She claims she was there to get some cheese balls, but made sure she talked some shit before she left.

Stassi questioned how she is okay with her best friend, Scheana Marie, being friends with Kristen. Ariana says she doesn’t let it bother her because Kristen isn’t worth the time of day. Stassi is mind blown by her logic. If that was her, she’d most definitely just light them all on fire.

Meanwhile, as you may recall, Katie Maloney has been on her hands and knees begging Lisa Vanderpump to hire her boyfriend, Tom. She was against it for so long because he was conveniently involved in many of the brawls that have gone down with the SUR gang. However, she gave in and offered the resident pretty boy a job. Schwartz, in turn, had a panic attack during his shift and walked out. Did we mention it was a bartending gig at a gay bar……

Stassi and Katie met up for some cocktails and shit talking. Katie is pissed at Schwartz for making her look like an idiot after he walked out on his shift. Stassi consoles her by saying how successful her boyfriend is. Comforting. Katie informs her that Jax won’t be in attendance because he got a nose job. Naturally, Stassi was thrilled at this news and called him a “woman”. Mind you, this is coming from the chick who got a new chin.

Jax finally had his surgery and Nurse Tom was there to help. Jax was drugged out post-surgery beyond belief. Even in that state of mind, he tried hooking up with his nurse. Shocking, right? The whole gang, including Lisa, stopped by to check in on him. They discussed their upcoming plans to attend an OK! Magazine party. Eventually, they all peaced out to go home and get ready, while Jax ate a jelly donut alone as blood streamed down his face.

Schwartz sat down with Lisa to discuss what happened during his shift. He tells Lisa how embarrassed he is and sorry for being irresponsible, but she wasn’t having it. She gave him a chance and he fucked it up. Only the strong survive in the world of gay bars, I suppose.

James, the annoying British kid, came back again begging for his job. Lisa fired him a few weeks back for being involved in the fight with Tom and Kristen. Last week he read her the corniest letter in an attempt to win his job back and Lisa said she’d think about it. While anyone with two brain cells would tell this loser to kick rocks, she gave him another chance because they’re desperate for bussers. Welcome back, buddy. Make sure you take a #BeamerSelfie to celebrate.

Later, the entire crew, including Stassi, were at the OK! Magazine party. Originally, the group was separated at two different tables. Stassi’s crew, which included Katie and Schwartz, played a game that made the loser go sit with the other table. Stassi lost, so off she went to hang with the wolves. Stassi sat down next to Scheana, which was so incredibly awkward. Stassi claims she hasn’t seen or spoken to Kristen since last year after she infamously slept with Jax. Kristen’s attempt at being calm, cool, and collected fell short when she asked Stassi if she’s spoken to Jax after his nose job. Good one, moron.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9pm on Bravo.

On last week's Vanderpump Rules, Lisa Vanderpump went on a firing/suspension spree after a bar brawl broke out at Scheana Marie’s birthday party. She suspended Tom Sandoval and Kristen Doute for being involved in the shenanigans, but fired James Kennedy for starting the madness. Flash forward to this week:

It was finally time for the opening of Lisa’s new Hollywood hotspot, Pump. Although she needed all hands on deck for the kickoff party, she still needed her staff to hold down the fort at SUR. James, despite Lisa sending him and his size 23 skinny jeans packing, decided to show up to work anyway. Because that’s what normal people do when they’re fired, right?

Peter Madrigal, the totally undercover hottie manager, spotted the moron in the restaurant. He and James went outside so Peter could wrap his head around why the hell he showed up thinking he was still employed. James got all dramatic and whiny while trying to convince Peter that he doesn’t like him because he dates Kristen. Or perhaps it’s because you’re just really fucking annoying?

A few days later, #BeamerSelfie boy returned with a letter for Lisa. He begged and pleaded to speak to Lisa for a few minutes and finally she agreed. He read aloud a letter to her like it was a scene from the Notebook. It was so cheesy I could have barfed all over his chunky knit Jax-wannabe sweater. But, hey, it worked. The Queen Bee said she’ll think it over.

Tom Schwartz made his bartending debut at the Pump party. As we know, he’s been walking a very fine line having been involved in every fight that has gone down in the history of SUR. He begged Lisa for the job because he needs more of a stable income in order to marry his lady love, Katie Maloney. He told Stassi Schroeder that he didn’t know how to make Pump’s signature drink and next week he walks out of one of his shifts. So, when will he be receiving his Employee of the Month plaque?

Stassi has made her triumphant return back to LA and the life of SUR. She made an appearance at the Pump grand opening, much to the dismay of Scheana. Stassi and Scheana have a very on/off relationship. One minute they’re bridesmaids in each other’s weddings and the next they are shit talking one another on Twitter. Scheana can’t really get off the fact that Stassi doesn’t give a flying fuck about being her friend. Retweet.

Speaking of Stassi, Jax Taylor got wind that she was back in town. Jax says he was thinking about heading over to the Pump party to show his face and say hello to his old love. Her pal Kristina Kelly, Jax’s SUR co-worker, bluntly told him she can’t fucking stand him. He tells her that they’re fine and wants to check in on her family and the dog they once shared. Sorry, buddy. The Stassi ship has sailed.

Kristen decided she needed to meet with Tom to get the rest of her belongings and find some closure. She showed up to Tom’s apartment that so desperately needs a maid. Perhaps he could hire Kristen? Ariana is there to kick back and watch the show, which pissed Kristen off to no end. She asked Tom to give back the cable box so she could return it. Tom says, “I know, I just had stuff on the DVR that I really wanted to keep”. Absolutely epic response. Hats off to you, Sandoval.

Next week’s previews show yet another screaming match. Sleeping with everyone can be really exhausting, huh?

Vanderpump Rules airs every Monday at 9pm on Bravo!

The Vanderpump Rules drama picked up exactly where it left off from last week—mid brawl.

Tom Sandoval took a swing at his ex’s new boyfriend, James Kennedy, for telling him to take a "Honda Civic selfie"... Not kidding.

Tom Schwartz stepped in to help his friend and stop the madness, but somehow ended up making it a tad worse—and then, in typical Scheana Marie birthday fashion, she managed to not only get injured, but cry at her own party.

The next day, Sandoval, and his bloody and bruised face, had to discuss all the cheating rumors that are swirling, with his girlfriend, Ariana Madix, as he applied concealer like a drag queen. Sansoval swore blind he did not cheat on her and Ariana seemed to believe him. Mind you, it's worth noting that these rumors are all coming from Tom's psychopathic ex-girlfriend Kristen Doute, who couldn’t be more desperate or jealous if she tried. Side note: Tom sent an EPIC video message apologizing to Scheana for the party fight, sobbing like a 4-year-old girl that just fell off her bike.

Meanwhile, Tom Schwartz had to cover his bases and speak to Queen Lisa Vanderpump about his part in the Scheana party brawl. You may remember, Schwartz had a job lined up to join the gang at SUR last year, but was ultimately let go after getting involved in another fistfight at the restaurant. However, he was determined to prove to Lisa that he was simply breaking up the fight this time around, and defending his friend. In Tom’s defense, anyone who takes a Beamer selfie deserves a swing to the face. James, we’re talking to you, buddy.

SUR’s resident playboy Jax Taylor decided to remove the infamous Stassi tattoo he got last season when he was attempting to win back Shroeder back. But wait, it gets better. He also had ANOTHER girl’s name tattooed on the other arm. Jax made it very clear that he has his eyes set on not one, but two girls this season, so he thought it made total sense to ink another chick's name on his other arm. He covered up the Stassi tattoo with a black rose (kind of fitting, really) and kept the Carmen tattoo for all of his new lucky ladies to see. How many brain cells do you think he has?

Meanwhile, Stassi is back in Los Angeles and crashing on Katie Maloney’s couch. She, along with Katie and Kristina Kelly, went apartment hunting to find a new pad for her and her boyfriend. However, the girls spent more time discussing Stassi’s awesome sex life and Katie’s kind of strange one…..

Jax decided that he needed to make a decision between the two girls he is now seeing. While having a conversation with Tom (sort of ironic given he fucked his girlfriend six months prior, eh?) he weighed the pros and cons of his current hook ups, tattoo immortalized Carmen, and Tiffany. Jax tried to convince Tom that he simply doesn’t want to lead both girls on because it isn’t the right thing to do---AKA they both threatened to chop his dick off if he doesn’t make a choice.

Jax ultimately decided that he wanted to be with Tiffany, so the breakup with Carmen was inevitable (cue yet another ink cover-up session). He met Carmen at a pizza shop on Hollywood Blvd because he didn’t feel like wining and dining someone he’s about to dump. He’s such a catch, right girls? Naturally, Carmen didn’t take the breakup well. Jax pulled the “you deserve so much better” card, which really means, “someone’s doing it better, babydoll.”

Lisa was fed up with the animals that work in her restaurant and held a mandatory meeting to discuss why they are all such hot messes. Naturally, they all had an excuse for the shit show that went down at Scheana’s party. Tom and Kristen were suspended, while James was fired.

Moral of the story—Lisa will never give a flying fuck about who cheats on who.

All in all, Jax has half of Los Angeles’ women's names tatted on his arm and 1/3 of SUR’s staff was fired for fighting about someone taking selfies with their BMW.

Yup. The chaos continues every Monday at 9pm on Bravo.