Because Nicolas Cage needs a reason to live, and Tom Cruise didn't exchange his soul for an ageless face for nothing.
Sequels to bad movies are positive signs that Hollywood believes in recycling.
Still, occasionally there are sequels so unwanted that we're dying to see them. Whether a sequel takes place 30 years after the original or stars Nicolas Cage, some movies can't be any worse than our rock bottom expectations. So Tom Cruise might as well revive Top Gun's Maverick as a 56-year-old fighter pilot. We'll watch Jim Caviezel as the resurrected Jesus in the sequel to The Passion of the Christ. And, sure, why not look forward to The Meg 2 as "the greatest film in the history of cinema?" By 2030, 250,000 people will be annually dying from climate change anyway. Here's a list of terrible sequels being filmed as we speak.
1.Indiana Jones 5 (2021)
Harrison Ford is reprising his role for the last time, according to Steven Spielberg, who is returning to the franchise after directing its four previous films. Of course, that includes 2008's Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, from which many fans still struggle to heal. To add insult to injury, Spielberg went on to threaten, "This will be Harrison Ford's last Indiana Jones movie, I am pretty sure, but it will certainly continue after that."
2. The Croods 2 (2020)
Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds will return to prehistoric times as the voices of Eep and Guy, two cave people who were somehow nominated for both an Oscar and a Golden Globe in 2013. The sequel has been long-delayed due to Dreamworks being bought by Universal Pictures, which canceled the project due to good taste. Now the production's back on schedule, probably to give Nicolas Cage a reason to keep living. (Remember when he won an Oscar in 1996? That was a long time ago).
3. Sherlock Holmes 3 (2021)
This sequel to the bromance between Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (originating in 2009's Sherlock Holmes) has a script, a release date, two returning lead actors, but no director. The third installment is rumored to take place in the Old West in San Francisco. But who knows how production will go if Downey doesn't survive Avengers: Endgame? I mean, Iron Man will doubtlessly survive, but Downey looks awfully tired in the trailers.
4. Top Gun: Maverick (2020)
Why create a sequel 33 years after the original? It's not because Tom Cruise has sold his soul in return for an ageless face. Director Joseph Kosinski says the point is to explore Pete "Maverick" Mitchell's experiences in a modern navy that's been at war for 20 years and adapted to drone technology. But that's also not the reason for the sequel. Jay Ellis (Insecure), Cruise's co-star, revealed to Entertainment Tonight: "I'm going to tell you right now, we are literally going to blow people's minds." Sequels kill, guys.
SPOILERS: Jesus died and came back to life in the Bible. Regarding Mel Gibson's follow-up to his record-breaking 2004 film adaptation, Caviezel teases, "There are things that I cannot say that will shock the audience. It's great. Stay tuned." While it's possible the sequel involves a very large rock and three days and nights, Caviezel won't reveal details. "But I'll tell you this much," he says, "The film he's going to do is going to be the biggest film in history. It's that good."
6. The Meg 2 (2020)
The point of the 2018 Jason Statham shark movie was to give the hosts of the film podcast How Did This Get Made? an amazing opportunity. The original was a study in how bad films can be more enjoyable than good ones, and the sequel could be even better.
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The Trump-Twitter Industrial Complex continues to fester and mutate.
This week, President Donald J. Trump tweeted a false statement about mail-in ballots.
He wrote that secretaries of state were sending mail-in ballots to every person, when actually states are only sending out ballot applications. For the first time, Twitter jumped in to fact-check Trump's statement, adding a link to a webpage full of information about mail-in ballots.
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Can you believe that Believe only came out last year? And like, not even early last year—it was officially released in mid-June, not even 15 months ago at this point. Since then, Justin's also given us an acoustic album, a bunch of music videos, some guest appearances on mostly awful singles by will.i.am, Lil Twist and Maejor Ali, and a whole lot of gossip fodder, all of which made the release of Believe seem very long ago, and the likelihood of another major release to come seem very far away.
Well, Christmas might be coming a couple months early for Beliebers this year (though it might also be coming on actual Christmas as well—more on that in a minute). Bieber manager/mentor/drug dealer...keeper-awayer Scooter Braun went on a little Twitter reveal spree yesterday afternoon, giving away that Justin might have some new music out as soon as this October:
and yes... @justinbieber gives u some new music in October until December and then a special movie on Christmas.
— Scooter Braun (@scooterbraun) September 9, 2013
Wow, two months straight of new music? And then a special movie on Christmas? It seems all like a bit too much too soon for plausibility, but as Carl Willott of Idolator points out, we haven't heard anything about Justin Bieber falling asleep in a hotel lobby bathroom or accidentally blowing up a Range Rover or getting into a feud with the cast of Ice Road Truckers recently, so perhaps it's possible he's actually been keeping himself busy recording new music? It wouldn't be totally impossible.
We're probably more excited for the movie than anything—though this follow-up tweet has us tempering our expectations a little, lest it not show up at all. We're guessing it's going to basically be like A Colbert Christmas, with the sardonic of Bad Santa, the heart of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and the action sequences of the first Die Hard. (Maybe even a dash of the middle-aged marital tension of The Ref? Anything goes on A Very Bieber Christmas!)
Anyway, that's all coming, and the supposedly game-changing "Heartbreaker" single should be in there somewhere as well. Is this all because Bieber felt slighted that he dropped from #1 to #8 on this year's edition of the Popdust 40? You know what the manboy says: Don't ever say not ever.