Jeff Bezos must have hit his head pretty hard over the weekend…or perhaps he had a Dickens-esque Christmas Carol moment.
Either way, in the past 24 hours, the Amazon founder Bezos gave away a majority of his $124 billion fortune to fight climate change and unify humanity. In addition, he awarded Dolly Parton with the Courage and Civility Award, which comes with $100 million that Dolly can donate to charities of her choice.
Woah. So maybe bullying the 1% does work after all. After years of begging Bezos to have some compassion for us lowly Amazon shoppers, did he finally hear us? Or maybe he got tired of the accusations that he was a robot with no feelings.
This is a huge milestone for one of the richest men in the world…one who infamously refrained from signing The Giving Pledge. The mega-rich - think Mark Zuckerberg and Warren Buffet - have a penchant for donating most of their money to charitable causes in their lifetime.
This may be thanks to Bezos’ girlfriend, Lauren Sánchez, who’s a journalist turned philanthropist. The pair sat down with CNN to chat about Bezos’ new “giving” persona…the first time he has ever explicitly agreed that he would donate a large sum of his money to charity.
Or maybe it’s connected to the philanthropic acts of ex-wife MacKenzie Scott. Scott - an author and committed philanthropist - signed The Giving Pledge post-divorce and has already donated half of her $24 billion net worth to charitable organizations.
Most likely, it’s because Amazon’s laying off 10,000 employees by the end of the week...but apparently, that’s neither here nor there for Bezos.
LOS ANGELES - DEC 11: Elon Musk at the Rihanna's First Annual Diamond Ball at the The Vineyard on December 11, 2014 in Beverly Hills, CA
Kathy Hutchins
In a Monday filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, it was revealed that Tesla CEO Elon Musk and the company's CFO, Zach Kirkhorn, have both received new titles.
Musk is taking on the mantle of "Technoking," while Kirkhorn is becoming "Master of Coin."
To clarify, no, this is not an update from a high school Sci-Fi Fantasy Club that accidentally got mixed in with the SEC filings. This is part of vital regulatory documentation for one of the most valuable companies on Earth that includes a Game of Thrones reference and a "badass" adolescent nickname for someone who — on any given day — might be the wealthiest person on Earth.
Does it matter that Elon Musk is "just trolling" — that he doesn't sincerely think "Technoking" is a cool name? Considering the reality of the Cybertruck, even that might be giving him too much credit, but if we stick with the assumption that this is just Musk's brand of snarky humor, that doesn't make it better. It's still deeply embarassing.
By the nature of our economic system, this is among the most powerful men to ever have existed. The founder of multiple massive companies, there is an operating assumption that he must be an unusually competent and responsible steward of his resources. Surely he would never have achieved such incredible success if he weren't among the most capable people to handle the duty to civilization and to humanity itself that is inherent to attaining such a lofty position.
That's the myth that men like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett maintain with their carefully groomed public images as philanthropists and thought leaders. Even nakedly selfish, contemptuous ghouls like the Koch brothers have a way of packaging their political advocacy in a veneer of principle to disguise it as a well-reasoned philosophical stance that a highly accomplished individual can defend with dignity. But Elon Musk is just a messy b*tch.
While someone like Jeff Bezos can shrug off the shame of hacked dick pics and "alive girl" texts, keeping up a facade as a highly serious business-type person, Elon Musk seems more like the person who "leaks" his own dick pics. Of course, in Musk's case it would then be revealed that actually he used a stunt dick — with Musk's stans identifying Peter North's Model D on sight. And then Elon would pretend it was all a joke to amuse Grimes, and probably lob some petty insults and accusations at whoever first called him out.
On paper, the fact that one of the wealthiest men alive made his fortune by pushing for advances in electric vehicles, solar power, free Internet, and space travel almost seems like an endorsement of our economic model. If he could keep his nose clean, it would be easy to imagine that he might even be noble. Instead we know him to be one of the pettiest men alive.
In the case of his new titles for himself and Kirkhorn — while retaining their CEO and CFO positions — that pettiness could be directed at his nearest rival, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. Bezos, according to a recent announcement, will be transitioning into the role of "executive chairman," which many have interpreted as a superficial change intended to help Bezos skirt publicity.
Or it could be a simple expression of his disdain for the SEC whom he has decried on multiple occasions since they sued him for "joking" about taking Tesla private back in 2018. Like "if I have to report my company's financial activities to you, you have to call me Technoking." When it comes to Musk, there's too much pettiness to pin it to one target.
But in his public life Musk seems determined to remind us at every opportunity that his tremendous success has inspired neither growth nor humility. If anything, it has served to reinforce his hubris.
But it's such a comforting notion, so ingrained in our culture, that many people still cling to the idea that society rewards people who deserve to be rewarded. Elon Musk is the antidote to that delusion — that warped American dream.
No complex argument about cultural forces could ever be as powerful as the tragiccomic tale of a petty, egotistical, cringelord ascending to become the wealthiest person on Earth. The myth of meritocracy is dead, and Tesla's Technoking is the man who stabbed it through its rotting heart.
Because honestly...you're not looking so good. We know that 2020 was a rough year, but you haven't exactly been doing yourself any favors with how you've handled it.
If we're being honest, a lot of the worst parts of the last 12 months weren't really new — they were the same old problems you've had for a while now, just with some extra emphasis. So if you're really hoping that things will get better in 2021, a good place to start would be to take a look in the mirror and start doing some work on yourself.
While this is generally looking like a good year for everyone to skip the self-flagellation of New Year's resolutions and take it easy, you, America — as the world's military and economic superpower — might just be the exception to that rule. With that in mind, here are some changes you should really consider making in 2021, assuming you ever want to get your s**t together.
Clean Up After Yourself
Not sure if you've noticed, but you kind of make a mess everywhere you go. Whether we're talking about pumping out more CO2 per person than any other country, or forcing your way into other countries' business to tell them how to handle their own mess — and leaving behind more chaos than when you got there — it's not a good look.
Rejoining the Paris Climate Accord would technically be a small step in the right direction, but something like the Green New Deal would be a lot closer to the kind of thing you actually need to do. Also, that thing you did in with the EPA in 2020 — when you decided to let your corporate buddies make as much of a mess as they wanted — that has to go.
Even if it was okay to trash your own land and force your own citizens to deal with the consequences — and it's definitely not — you might have noticed these things called the oceans and the atmosphere that the whole world has to share, and that's where a lot your crap ends up. You're poisoning the world and accelerating the climate crisis that is going to contribute even more to global instability than you have with military intervention.
So cut it out.
Let Puerto Rico Join Your Weird Club
Speaking of the climate crisis — and the catastrophic natural disasters it's going to continue producing in the coming decades — remember when Puerto Rico got slammed by Hurricane Maria back in 2017? The whole way that was handled was awful.
Some of that was down to local corruption, but the federal response was also really mismanaged. Thousands of people died needlessly in the slow, sloppy process of restoring basic infrastructure — with one vital contract handed to a tiny company owned by a major donor to Donald Trump.
It's the kind of awful experience that might motivate voters to go to the polls and reconsider their federal representation... Except that Puerto Rico doesn't have any federal representation.
Since 1898 it has been under U.S. control, yet the three million U.S. Citizens who live in Puerto Rico don't get to vote for federal legislators or the president. No wonder they were treated so much worse than any state would have been.
And while, in the past, most Puerto Ricans have been hesitant to back a push for statehood — both because of issues with the local government being legitimized, and because a lot of residents would rather push for independence — November of 2020 marked the first time the populace voted for statehood in any serious way. That means it's now on you, America, to grant Puerto Rico its statehood and basic rights of representation.
You should honestly be flattered they want to join. And considering your whole "No Taxation Without Representation" thing, America — and the fact that Puerto Rico has a bigger population than 19 current states — it would be pretty ridiculous not to let them join your weird club. D.C. statehood also deserves some consideration, although they at least get to vote for president.
Cool It With the Guns
Okay, we get it. Guns are fun.
They make big scary noises and put holes in things, and they really do make for some of the coolest slow motion content of fruit exploding on YouTube. But don't you think you might be a little obsessed?
Even setting aside your decision to let everyone have as many semi-automatic rifles as they want — which really doesn't seem to be going well — the amount you spend on your personal collection of guns is out of control. Do you really need $720 billion for the military budget? Seriously?
Maybe if you didn't sell of so many of your old toys at a steep discount to police — who really don't need them, and are way too eager to use them against unarmed Black people — you wouldn't need to spend so much. Or you could shift some of that spending toward developing infrastructure in some of those places where you still need to clean up your mess — instead of using drones to continue making things worse...
Prove That You Value Human Life
Okay, you've had an issue with this one for a while now, but 2020 definitely brought it into focus. When your entire population needed to make changes to prevent the spread of a deadly pandemic, you decided to spend a lot of money on boosting the stock market, rather than helping people make ends meet and not have to worry about losing health coverage that's inexplicably tied to employment.
As a result, around 350,000 Americans have died of COVID-19 already, and a lot more are likely to follow. This kind of stuff makes you seem heartless and ghoulish. Do you think that people only have worth if they're adding to the economy?
There are a lot of things you could do to prove that you recognize the value of human life, but a good start would be universal health care like a Medicare for All system. People shouldn't have to worry about being buried in debt just because they don't want to die. Other countries don't do that to people, America, and you don't have to either.
At the very least, if you're not going to value human life, you need to stop pretending you do by co-opting slogans like "healthcare is a human right."
Get Off Facebook
Every social media platform has its own problems that involve a lot of complex issues of free speech and echo chambers, but one thing has become increasingly clear in recent years, America — you cannot handle Facebook.
You're way too quick to jump on board with misinformation and conspiracy theories, and you rarely bother to fact check the information you pick up there. Instead you just spread it around, and keep getting into weirder and weirder stuff.
If you're going to come to grips with reality in 2021 — and restore some sense that we all live in the same universe — you're going to have to get off Facebook. You might even want to consider the possibility that it's a dangerous monopoly in need of some good old fashioned trust busting — remember when you used to do that? So cool.
Kick Your Billionaire Addiction
Speaking of making Mark Zuckerberg cry, do you think you could maybe cut down on your supply of billionaires? When you got your first one back in 1916, it seemed like kind of a crazy one time thing. Yeah, you had a lot of fun with it — you still bring up Rockefeller a weird amount, to be honest — but it didn't seem like it was going to be a regular thing.
But more than 100 years later, you just keep chasing that first high, and now you've got something like 800 billionaires. That's way too many to have at any time — let alone during a period of national crisis when tens of millions are facing food insecurity and possible eviction.
And yet, rather than sacrificing some of that stash to help people out, you've used the crisis as an excuse to make even more billionaires — and to increase the potency of the ones you have. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have each made enough money in 2020 to buy and sell a Warren Buffett, a Michael Bloomberg, or one of the Walmart Waltons.
In one year they have made more than 1,000,000 times the median household income. No wonder they both think they deserve their own space programs. But they don't, America, because that's your thing — used to be, anyway.
And this kind of wealth inequality is not a healthy habit — it leads to unrest and instability. In short, America, you have a billionaire problem. But we don't expect you to quit overnight.
Just raise their taxes and start funding social programs (remember that "valuing human life thing we talked about?), maybe push them to shift company ownership and control to their workforces — like other countries do — and you can slowly whittle that 800 down to a slightly less shameful number like 500, or even a healthy and respectable 0.
Get Back Together With Science
Remember science? You two used to be so great together. You funded crazy projects like sending people to the moon, and science returned the favor by giving you booming technology industries.
You always used to imagine a future together with science — all those retro-futuristic doodles you loved back in the '60s. You really only started to distance yourself because science was trying to point out some of your flaws — like that thing about cleaning up after yourself with all that atmospheric pollution.
But at this point you must have realized that science had a point, right? You can get back to making investments in stuff like green technology, so other countries don't end up lapping you with stuff like solar power and battery tech.
With science you can make policy decisions based on things like "evidence," rather than gut feelings and lobbyist money. You can even put money into science education so maybe the next generation won't be so hard to protect from deadly viral pandemics!
If you get back together with science in 2021, you might still have a chance at a happy future.
So those are your goals for 2021, America. And if you manage not to completely drop the ball on most of these by February, we might even make it to 2022.
Back in June, a representative for Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reached out to non-profit Feeding America to determine whether they could effectively channel his philanthropy.
A network of hundreds of food banks, the organization was providing crucial aid to the tens of millions of Americans who were then out of work. And they apparently, impressed Bezos enough that he cut them a check for $100 million.
The fact that this sum constituted around 0.07% of Bezos' wealth at the time — the equivalent of an average American family giving about $65 to charity — didn't seem to figure in most of the headlines praising the donation. He was widely lauded for his generosity.
But just in case the issue wasn't already obvious, Bezos' ex-wife, novelist Mackenzie Scott, just stepped up to show him what philanthropy is supposed to look like. On Tuesday night Scott announced that she had donated more than $4.1 billion to nearly 400 charities in recent months, focusing on areas and issues closely connected to the COVID pandemic.
MacKenzie Scott says gave more than $4 billion to charity amid pandemicwww.youtube.com
Compared to her remaining wealth of around $55 billion, it's a relatively paltry sum. But compared to the charity Jeff Bezos has provided to those dealing with the worst financial impact of the pandemic, it seems shockingly adequate.
In a blog post entitled "384 Ways to Help" Scott discussed her data-driven philanthropy, and wrote, "This pandemic has been a wrecking ball in the lives of Americans already struggling ... Meanwhile, it has substantially increased the wealth of billionaires." None more so than her ex-husband.
This is hardly the first time Scott has publicly humiliated her ex. She set a precedent for doing just that when they got divorced and she absorbed nearly $40 billion in Amazon shares in the largest divorce settlement in history.
She continued that tradition back in July when she signed the Giving Pledge, promising to give at least half of her wealth to charity in her lifetime. Initiated by Warren Buffett and Bill and Melinda Gates, the Giving Pledge is a campaign to encourage the super-wealthy to put some portion of their vast hoards to good use. Jeff Bezos has yet to sign on…
That same month, she announced that she had already given away around $1.7 billion to 116 charities. But Scott's latest announcement truly highlights what a stingy, greedy man Jeff Bezos has been.
While Americans have been facing an unprecedented rent crisis — with tens of millions living under the threat of eviction, and at least $70 billion in unpaid household rent — Jeff Bezos was making that amount of money for himself alone. And unlike Scott, he has held onto the vast majority.
But the incredibly wasteful business model of direct-to-consumer hyper-convenience that has allowed him to amass so much money is incompatible with a serious approach to climate change. And Bezos' pledge came around a month after it was revealed that Amazon had threatened to fire employees who were pushing for more environmentally sustainable business practices.
But just in case there was any doubt what kind of man Jeff Bezos really is, Mackenzie Scott has now exposed him more effectively than Saudi phone hackers (or his girlfriend's brother) ever could. In one dramatic move, she gave away more than six times as much as he had in 2020, despite having less than one-third of his wealth.
Scott has given away nearly $6 billion so far in 2020. That's around 10% of her wealth, meaning that Jeff Bezos would need to give away more than $17 billion in the next two weeks just to match her generosity.
In reality, of course, neither of them are doing enough. They should both give away enough money to no longer be billionaires because the concept of a billionaire is a disgusting insult in any world where homelessness and hunger are still rampant.
But what's even worse is that Jeff Bezos has amassed unheard-of riches by perfecting the very system of consumer capitalism that is ravaging the planet. What's even worse is that Amazon thrives while local businesses collapse around the country and wealth becomes consolidated in the hands of a few corporations. What's worse is the systematic way they squash efforts to unionize among their exploited workers.
What's even worse is a system of pro-billionaire propaganda, funded by corporate tax cuts, propagating the idea that the government's only role is to protect the interests of the wealthy. What's even worse than Jeff Bezos's failure to donate his wealth is a prevailing political discourse that treats the simultaneous growth of billionaires and homelessness as "meritocracy."
But, since Jeff Bezos is incapable of feeling the shame that these practices should evoke in him, public humiliation is a nice consolation prize. So if Mackenzie Scott wants to continue absolving herself of wealth in gestures that undermine Amazon's pathetic PR bandaids, more power to her.
US President Joe Biden delivers remarks during a DNC post election event at the Howard Theater in Washington, DC, USA,
Photo by SHAWN THEW/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock
Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. was born on November 20th, 1942.
His teeth and hair were born quite a bit later and are likely immortal, but the point is: our President-elect is old. He's so old that "Robinette" probably seemed like a reasonable thing to put in the middle of your kid's name when he was born.
He's so old, in fact, that he's technically slightly older than the guy who is still president until January 20, and actively proving that old white guys are the milk-on-a-hot-day of politicians: a bad choice (also, they look and smell like spoiled dairy).
Joe Biden is so old that he's almost as old as the runner up in the Democratic primary. He's so old that, once inaugurated, he will be the oldest American president in history. Once Joe Biden is inaugurated, the second-oldest American president in history will be...Donald Trump.
The fact that our two options in the 2020 election to lead us are men who are both more than 35 years older—and about 40% whiter—than the average American, is a damning indictment of our political system. But with both men widely accused by their critics of losing a step and declining into senility, should age be a defining issue in this election? Is Joe Biden, 77, so much older than Donald Trump, 74, that he should be disqualified?
Shouldn't all your major life achievements be behind you at 77? Shouldn't people that old just be sitting on their porches, grumbling about young people? If that's what you think, you might want to ask...
John Glenn - Went into Space at 77
In 1962, John Glenn became the first American Astronaut to orbit the Earth, circling the planet three times as part of NASA's Project Mercury. 36 years later, Glenn made history again, becoming the oldest person to go into space at age 77.
No doubt that record will soon be broken by some decrepit billionaire on a SpaceX tourist flight, but Glenn wasn't just messing around on a quick trip to the outer atmosphere; he spent nearly 10 days in space, participating in scientific studies to better understand the effects of space travel on the human body.
Oh, and Glenn was also a sitting U.S. Senator for Ohio at the time. Damn.
Betty White - Won a Grammy at 90
Betty White has been acting for radio and television since the 1940s, but she didn't win her first Emmy until 1975 for her role as Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
For a lot of actors, that would have been the peak, and White could easily have retired from acting and been remembered as a great of her time. But Betty White refuses to be confined to one era. 10 years later, she was starring in another classic sitcom, The Golden Girls. 18 years after The Golden Girls ended, she had a starring role in Hot in Cleveland.
She has continued racking up awards this whole time, with hilarious cameos and supporting roles in many movies and TV shows. And next year she's scheduled to star in a new Lifetime Christmas movie. She'll be 99 years old.
So it honestly shouldn't be a surprise that the actor won her first Grammy in 2012 at the age of 90. White was honored at the 54th annual Grammy Awards for Best Spoken Word Album for the narration of her audiobook If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won't). At the current rate she's moving through her EGOT collection, she should receive her first Oscar in 2049, probably for her role in Golden Girls 2.0, AKA Famous Women's Brains Put into Solid Gold Robots: The Movie.
Warren Buffet - Fortune 500 CEO at 90
Known as "the Oracle of Omaha," Warren Buffett has seemingly frozen time by never changing his habits. Still living in the (relatively) modest home that he purchased for $31,500 in 1958, he reportedly stops at McDonald's for a breakfast sandwich every day on the way to work. And when he gets to work...he's the billionaire CEO of one of the 10 most valuable companies in the world.
At 90 years old, Buffett is still responsible for making investment decisions for a company valued at nearly half a trillion dollars, and he's achieved an annual rate of growth consistently outperforming the stock market. He has also made a name for himself as a prominent philanthropist, pledging to give away 99% of his wealth, and he's recently become a vocal advocate for higher taxes on wealthy Americans—proving that being old and rich doesn't mean you have to be entirely out of touch with what's going on around you.
John B. Goodenough - Won a Nobel Prize at 97
John B. Goodenough is a chemist and materials scientist noted for his contributions to the development of Random Access Memory in computing and Lithium-Ion battery technology. Feel free to look into those contributions in more detail if you understand terms like "magnetic superexchange" (probably has something to do with Magneto from X-Men).
Regardless of the particular big-brain science he was doing, in 2019 the Nobel Prize committee felt that John B. Goodenough's contributions to the development of the lithium-ion battery were good enough to warrant a Nobel Prize in chemistry. He was 97 years old.
And in case it wasn't enough to have helped create two of the most essential technologies in basically every device you own, Goodenough is still working at the age of 98, developing new battery technology at the University of Texas. When his Nobel prize was announced, his advice to young scientists was "don't retire too early." Well said, John.
Christopher Plummer - Won an Academy Award at 82
Beginners is maybe the perfect movie to exemplify how much living can be done later in life. In the movie, Christopher Plummer plays Hal Fields, a gay man who lived his life in the closet until coming out after the death of his wife. Hal Fields discovers new love and how to live his authentic self in his 80s. At 82, Plummer was awarded the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.
In the 7th decade of his acting career, he became the oldest person to ever win the award. In 2018, at 88, he became the oldest person to be nominated for the same award for his role in All the Money in the World. He's also way ahead of Betty White in the EGOT race—just waiting on a Grammy.
Ed Whitlock - Ran a Sub-4-Hour Marathon at 85
Could you run a marathon? Most of us would struggle to finish, even if we had all day. What about in under 4 hours? People do it, but you need to be in great shape, and even a lot of top athletes would have a hard time maintaining that pace. But Ed Whitlock? He ran the 2016 Toronto Waterfront Marathon in 3 hours, 56 minutes, 34 seconds, at the age of 85.
He ran a distance famous for killing an ancient Greek messenger after surviving the Great Depression, World War II, and 24 James Bond movies. He ran 26 nine-minute miles in a row...again, after also traveling around the sun 85 times. Ed Whitlock passed the next year, probably moments after deciding he was finally ready to retire from running.
More recently, in the new documentary Jimmy Carter: Rock & Roll President, Carter admitted that back in the 70s—when he was hosting legendary musicians on a regular basis—his son got shared a joint with Willie Nelson on the White House roof.
This was the same White House roof where Carter installed solar panels—before Ronald Reagan had them torn down. If any one of these details isn't enough to convince you that we would all be better off if 96-year-old Jimmy Carter were president right now, I don't know what you're smoking. Speaking of which, he only served one term, so he's technically eligible to pull a Grover Cleveland. Just saying...
Bernie Sanders - Transformed American Politics at 78
For fans of Bernie Sanders, the coalescing of the entire Democratic party around moderate candidate Joe Biden in March of 2020—just when it seemed like Sanders was about to secure front-runner position—was heartbreaking.
Four years after launching a campaign that redefined progressive politics in the US, Sanders continued to push the party to the left. He and his campaign made Medicare for All, a livable minimum wage, cannabis decriminalization, and bold climate legislation mainstream positions, and he helped to launch the careers of the ascendant Justice Democrats, who may be our greatest hope for the future of American politics.
Aida Germanque - Ran in Olympic Torch Relay at 106
In 2016, Aida Germanque participated in the Olympic torch relay in Brazil in the lead-up to the 2016 Olympic games in Rio. At 106 years old, Germanque was the oldest person to ever take part in the ceremony.
Given the slow pace at which Olympic torch relays are often "run," participating at any age may not seem as impressive as some of the other achievements on the list. Maybe it would be more impressive to mention the fact that she reportedly broke the record for oldest skydiver at 103.
But while it's true that Germanque didn't exactly sprint through her portion of the relay, the significance of her achievement is in the symbolism of the relay. It's about passing the torch to the next runner. And as Joe Biden has already hinted, that's what he intends to do with the presidency—serving one term, before passing it to the next generation of Democratic politician, whether that's Kamala Harris or (fingers crossed) Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who will be eligible to run for president in 2024.
So, clearly, being 74 or 77 does not mean you're done doing amazing things. If history is anything to go by, both Donald Trump and Joe Biden should have a lot of good years left. That said, there is such a thing as "biological age." If a person were to work out five times a week—as opposed to living off Big Macs and (allegedly) amphetamines and only working up a sweat by ranting on Twitter—that person could be much "younger" than someone born a few years after them.
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