A 16th century French astrologer-poet had a surprising amount to say about your plans for the new year.
In 1568, two years after his death, the final edition of Michel de Nostredame's Les Prophéties was published.
It contained 942 quatrains — four line stanzas of poetry — concerned largely with fire, death, and plagues. These were themes that figured heavily in Europe at that time, but Les Prophéties was intended to lay out the dark future of life on Earth leading up to the end of time.
Based in part on how previous astrological patterns lined up with historical events, the book borrows heavily from texts both historical and contemporary to the man we know as Nostradamus. But unlike the people he plagiarized, Nostradamus has remained a staple of popular culture up to the present day. And his cryptic predictions have earned an eerie reputation for always coming true — as long as you know how to correctly misinterpret them after the fact.
But with a new year nearly upon us, and the doom and gloom of 2020 still looming, some have taken a bold step to seek indications of what lies ahead — rather than waiting around for tragic events that can be predicted in retrospect. This effort has produced a number of terrifying conclusions about 2021, most notably relating to asteroids and zombies, and possibly a devastating earthquake and cybernetic super-soldiers.
Predicting September 11th www.youtube.com
He has previously been credited with predicting events like the death of Princess Diana, the terrorist attacks of 9/11, and the outbreak of COVID-19. But those predictions were all decoded after the fact. If we can instead look ahead and decode his warnings about "young people: Half-dead to give a start," and "In the sky ... a long trail of sparks," we can prepare ourselves for the coming of zombies and asteroids.
Of course, considering the fact that he has been dead for more than 450 years, it may come as a surprise to some readers that the famed astrologer would have had anything to say about this next year in particular. But the truth is that if you know how to read his work properly, his predictions get far more precise than that.
With that in mind, what follows are ten predictions that Nostradamus made about what you specifically — the only person reading this article — should expect for 2021.
The source for all quatrains used is Edgar Leoni's 1961 translation of the original text. Fair warning: even setting aside zombies and asteroids, it's going to be a rough one.
You're Going to Hook Up With Someone You Meet Through Social Media
Century VIII, Quatrain 66
When the inscription D.M. is found
in the ancient cave, revealed by a lamp.
Law, the King and Prince Ulpian tried,
the Queen and Duke in the pavilion under cover.
Let's start with some good news. You're going to be looking through your DMs when you notice a horny one that you ignored a long time ago. You will connect with this thirsty stranger and get up to some freaky stuff with them. Good for you. Just make sure to clean up the pavilion after you guys try "the Queen and Duke." That one is messy.
Your Houseplants are Not Going to Do Well
Century VI, Quatrain 11
The seven branches will be reduced to three,
The elder ones will be surprised by death,
The two will be seduced to fratricide,
The conspirators will be dead while sleeping.
We all know you don't exactly have a green thumb, but this time it won't really be your fault. Just accept that these things happen, and next time you go plant shopping try to look for some succulents that are less conspiratorial.
You will No Longer Be Able to Use Your Friend's Streaming Account
Century VI, Quatrain 34
The device of flying fire
Will come to trouble the great besieged chief:
Within there will be such sedition
That the profligate ones will be in despair.
You've been signed into your friend's Netflix for too long. He's sick of your viewing habits affecting his recommendations —he feels "besieged." So if you want to keep using your "device of flying fire" (Amazon Fire Stick), you and your roommates ("the profligate ones") have to get your own streaming account.
That Rescue Cat Is Going to Be More Trouble Than It's Worth
Century III, Quatrain 73
When the cripple will attain to the realm,
For his competitor he will have a near bastard:
He and the realm will become so very mangy
That before he recovers, it will be too late.
You're going to adopt a cat that is missing at least one limb/eye (not cool for Nostradamus to call it "the cripple," but the 1500s were a different time). It's going to get outside and get in a fight with a neighborhood feral cat ("a near bastard"), and pick up an infestation of fleas as a result.
The next thing you know, there will be fleas all over your apartment, and they'll get into the rest of the building. Before you can get rid of them, you're going to get a bill for an exterminator from your landlord.
You're Going to See Your Coworker's Dick
Century II, Quatrain 29
The Easterner will leave his seat,
To pass the Apennine mountains to see Gaul:
He will transpire the sky, the waters and the snow,
And everyone will be struck with his rod.
At next year's office Christmas party, a drunk coworker who grew up on the east coast is going to go to the bathroom — or "pass the Apennine mountains to see Gaul" as it was known in 16th century France. When he comes back, his junk will be hanging out of his open fly.
He will be so embarrassed that he will request to be transferred to the European branch of the company and thus "transpire the sky, the waters, and the snow." But everyone will still be talking about his rod.
You're Going to Eat Some Old Cheese
Century I, Quatrain 25
The lost thing is discovered, hidden for many centuries.
Pasteur will be celebrated almost as a god-like figure.
This is when the moon completes her great cycle,
but by other rumours he shall be dishonoured.
You will be about to start your period — "when the moon completes her great cycle." If this has never happened to you, and you don't really have the anatomy to pull it off, don't worry. The important part is that you will have some intense cravings.
You'll find some old cheese hidden in the back of the fridge, and it will look okay, so you will celebrate Louis Pasteur — inventor of dairy pasteurization process. Or possibly just some random pastor. Do you buy your cheese from a random pastor?
But then it will turn out that the cheese was actually bad, and you will end up cursing his name from the bathroom.
You're Finally Going to Get Your Bathroom Redone
Century X, Quatrain 89
The walls will be converted from brick to marble,
Seven and fifty pacific years:
Joy to mortals, the aqueduct renewed,
Health, abundance of fruits, joy and mellifluous times.
It might be that time you spend stuck in the bathroom that motivates you to finally renovate. Marble tiles, new pipes ("aqueduct") and an ocean color scheme. Just pick everything carefully, because you're going to be stuck with it for the next 57 years. As a final touch, you will put a picture of fruit in the corner to soothe you while you're noisily using the facilities ("mellifluous times"). Good for you.
You're Going to Execute a Daring Prison Escape
Century IV, Quatrain 8
The great city by prompt and sudden assault
Surprised at night, guards interrupted:
The guards and watches of Saint-Quentin
Slaughtered, guards and the portals broken.
More good news! You're going to break out of San Quentin State Prison and get back to terrorizing "the great city" — San Francisco really is underrated. It's too bad about those guards, but they shouldn't have gotten in your way. While we can't condone your actions, we're happy that you're happy.
So now you have the highlights of your upcoming year. Do with this sacred knowledge what you will, but know that nothing can disrupt the course of your destiny as it was laid out by this great prophet some four centuries ago.
Oh, and if any of this doesn't come true, then we can all probably admit that Nostradamus' "predictions" are too vague and malleable to be taken seriously, and stop pretending that he foresaw every bad thing that will ever happen.