Justin Bieber has remixed Billie Eilish's hit "Bad Guy," adding his disorientingly high-pitched vocals to the 17-year-old's slightly terrifying bop.

This seems like a clear attempt on Eilish's part to skyrocket her most popular song to the top of the charts, and it just may work. Unfortunately, Bieber's voice is sexy, even though you kind of wish he had stopped singing around 2012 because watching his innocence fade slowly over time felt like a crushing blow on top of our own coming-of-age angst; also, the fact that Eilish was a superfan and now they're collaborating is pretty satisfying for any former Belieber. This version is actually better than the original, maybe because you can feel both singers' egos leaking through the sound, saturating you with a creepy, glossy feeling that reeks of money and child-star nihilism.

In many ways, "Bad Guy" is the perfect song for Bieber right now. He's been the subject of a great deal of criticism for being, well, a bad guy—from collaborating with abuser Chr*s Br**n to defending Scooter Braun against Taylor Swift's tearful accusations to being slammed by Emma Portner, a former choreographer who argued that he was a sexist asshole who paid his staff next to nothing. This song feels like Bieber throwing up his arms and shouting, "Well, f**k it, I guess I am a terrible person, but you're still going to buy my music and listen to my songs, because part of you also feels like you're a terrible person, and there's something cathartic about listening to someone else fully own their sh**tiness." Well, maybe not the last part—he may well also be thinking, "This is all in the name of Jesus."

Still, in this world where climate change is literally preparing to decimate us all and most of us are doing nothing, it's not hard to feel like a terrible person. At least when New York City goes under, we'll have Billie Eilish and Justin Bieber to bop along to until the waves go over our heads.

Billie Eilish - bad guy (with Justin Bieber) [Audio] www.youtube.com

Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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