If a brand can back positive social change through financially beneficial PR, that's still a positive.
Corporations have one interest and one interest only: profit.
No matter how much you love a nostalgic toy brand from your childhood or a fast food chain's Twitter account, it's worth remembering that their primary goal is always to get you to buy their product. Brands are not your friends, and it's naive to think that they ever "do the right thing" out of some higher sense of justice beyond their bottom line.
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The Kool Aid man is missing. We believe its our fault.
In the midst of the Corona Virus pandemic and concerns about the global economy, another major event has largely gone unnoticed. The Kool Aid man has gone missing.
🚨🚨 KOOL-AID MAN IS MISSING 🚨🚨 We repeat! 🚨🚨 KOOL-AID MAN IS MISSING 🚨🚨 Has anyone seen Kool-Aid Man!? The big… https://t.co/teqapDrluZ— Kool-Aid Man (@Kool-Aid Man)1583765030.0
On February 11th 2020, I posted the below call to action. As such, we believe this publication can take responsibility for the disappearance of the Kool Aid man. Our plan is working. Keep faith.
Original article published on 2/11/20
Capitalism is eating itself.
Like a serpent intent on keeping its body pure through self-immolation, capitalism has grown so bloated and animate, it can no longer differentiate itself from that which it consumes. As such, it is now willfully murdering its asexually-produced spawn. Recently, Planter's Mr. Peanut, the brand icon that represented the company for 104 years, committed suicide and shook us all to our very cores.
Among the myriad questions Mr. Peanut's passing brought up, we were forced to wonder: If brand icons can die, surely they can be born? If they can be born, can they reproduce? Do they have sex? If they are alive enough to die, don't they have some kind of moral culpability for their actions? Before this, we had no sympathy for figures like Mr. Peanut, Chuck E. Cheese, and Michelin man. We thought they were hollow vessels upon which humanity was projected in order to sell things to a populace. But no. It would appear they're very much alive, and if Mr. Peanut's suicide is any indication, they're miserable.
Soon, the arrival of Baby Nut complicated matters. Baby Nut is a reincarnation of Mr. Peanut's haggard, sexually-repressed soul that was presented to the world on Super Bowl Sunday, the holiest of days for the God of consumerism. Now, Baby Nut is on twitter. Signaling for help.
WWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭— Peanut Jr. (@Peanut Jr.)1581062400.0
Gotta be in bed by 6 so I can wake up at 3am to scream 🙃— Peanut Jr. (@Peanut Jr.)1581030000.0
Like spirits residing in talismans, it appears brand mascots can move from host to host, spreading moral decay and salted nuts wherever they go. While many feel that to end the life of Baby Nut would only be a mercy, particularly if a higher power could be harnessed to ensure he does not once more reincarnate, others have begun to wonder what this life cycle indicates about the mortality of other brand icons. Soon, this line of questioning leads down darker alleys. If these beings are mortal just like us, and can be killed, should we not free them from their suffering? Should we not free them as Mr. Peanut freed himself? Can we relieve Chester Cheetah of the overtly sexual way he says "Dangerously cheesy" with the sweet kiss of death? Could we spill the Kool Aid man's red innards onto the streets of full-fledged revolution as his smile finally settles into a mask of peaceful death? Can the Charmin Bears be exterminated for their own good? Could we free Lucky the leprechaun from his futile pursuit of cereal with the drop of a guillotine? Is Mr. Clean being used as a sex slave? The answer is, ostensibly, yes. While they may reincarnate in another form, surely we can offer them respite at the very least. Surely if we end them enough times, they will cease to return and will, at last, be liberated.
We leave you with this: The chains of capitalism are heavy, and her minions are many and strong, but if they begin to fall, as Mr. Peanut has, as others inevitably will, perhaps they'll pull the hydra of consumer culture down with them. There is no salvation in electoral politics; change only comes when the people rise up and cast down the symbols of oppression. So, let us rise, let us rise and free the haunted slaves of our capitalist overlords. Let us undo the black magic that forces them to do their master's bidding. Let us free them with the kiss of death.
Our hit list is as follows:
Chuck E. Cheese
The Kool Aid Man
The Laughing Cow
Jolly Green Giant
Tony the Tiger
Quicky the Nesquick Rabbit
More to follow. Spread the word. Rally the people.
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Gifts they'll actually want, we promise.
We all know them.
That person who just waves off your gift-related questions and says, "I'll like anything you get me," who seems to always have the latest in everything, whose taste is so refined and specific that you just know that every gift you buy them is gonna end up collecting dust in the back of their closet. Whether they're your spouse, significant other, parent, or co-worker, we know one thing: They're a musician.
In the same way that musicians are perfectionists about their music, they're often the same way about the rest of their lives, from their tech to their clothes. This, of course, makes it incredibly hard to buy gifts for them. Sure, there's probably some music engineering software they'd love, or maybe a new guitar tuner; but how are you, a non-musician, supposed to know anything about that stuff? Fear not, while many musicians seem like enigmas, there are a few factors that they all have in common, which means there are some valentines gifts that your musical loved one is guaranteed to love no matter what.
There are two things you need to consider when clothes-shopping for a musician: comfort and cool-factor. Let's be honest: A big reason most people get into music is because of the look, which means that anything you buy has to be on-style. But it's also important to consider the kind of lifestyle a musician leads. Odds are, they spend a lot of time lugging around heavy equipment, crammed into vans, and rehearsing for long hours, and then after all of that, they have to be ready to perform. Luckily, you don't always have to sacrifice comfort for style.
Public Rec is all about stylish, comfortable clothes you can wear every day. According to their website: "We perfect the classics with custom-made performance fabric. A tailored fit. And design details that elevate 'good' to unquestionably better." We can absolutely attest to this. Every article of clothing from Public Rec is made out of durable, high-stretch, moisture-wicking, breathable material that wears like work out gear while looking like stylish staple pieces. Every musician deserves classic go-to pieces they can pair with everything and be comfortable in no matter what their busy day brings.
There's nothing like a good band t-shirt to complete any musician's look. This website is a great source for officially licensed band merch from even the most obscure groups. Simply search your musician's favorite band or artist, and get them a shirt they'll never want to take off. Plus, paired with a Public Rec bomber, you've got a look that any musician will feel like themselves in.
This site is all about comfortable, basic black clothes made specifically for musicians. If your musician plays in an orchestra or other ensembles, it's likely they're required to wear all black for concerts. Now, with this site made for and by musicians, they have a range of durable and flattering options to rock comfortably all year long.
No, you're never gonna know exactly what musical equipment the musician in your life needs unless they tell you, but there are a few things that they're sure to use no matter what.
Unlike regular earplugs, these earplugs don't distort the quality of the sound. They just filter out harmful decibel levels, allowing your beloved musician's hearing to stay perfectly intact, even at the loudest concerts or gigs.
Guitar players are always digging through their pockets looking for a pick, but with this pick punch, anything can be used to strum those strings. As long as they can find an old gift card or other plastic material, they're never without a pick!
No matter what instrument your loved one plays, odds are that they need to keep their hands strong and healthy to excel at their craft. That's never been easier than with this hand-grip exerciser, guaranteed to increase finger dexterity and grip strength with frequent use.