Sometimes, in an emotionally manipulative relationship, the abusive partner does something just to assert their dominance and prove what they can get away with.

We've all experienced it: perhaps it was a mother-in-law telling you the pattern on your drapes makes her think of genocide, because she knows you'll just grimace and bear it. Or, maybe it was a romantic partner skipping your anniversary dinner to play paintball because he knows you'll forgive him eventually. Or maybe it was last night during Game of Thrones, when they blatantly left a Starbucks to-go cup in a scene, because, by god, you aren't going to stop watching now.

The GOT team knows they've got us hooked, so they're daring us to leave them, knowing that we're in too deep and much too weak to walk away. They're taunting us with their apathy, giving us laughably manipulative character development (oh no, Khaleesi is all power hungry now! Wonder where this could go...), absurdly short time lapses (wow, all of Winterfell made it to King's Landing in about a half hour), and even transparent provocation like LEAVING A GRANDE SOY LATTE IN A SHOT. If you think for one second that that coffee cup accidentally made it past the director and every actor, camera-op, editor, and other member of the best on-set army a $90 million budget can buy, than you're about as thick as Jon Sn— excuse me, erm, Aegon Targaryen.

That coffee cup was intended as either the most subtle Starbucks ad of all time or an outright taunt of all the fans who have allowed this show to take up real estate in our brains for the last eight years. While we may care about Game of Thrones, they sure as hell don't care about us, and episode by episode they're proving it to us more and more.

All of that being said, can't wait for next Sunday's episode!

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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This week's episode of Game of Thrones left fans to deal with a lot of feelings.

Our bodies are full of the adrenaline of battle, grief for fallen friends, and the trauma of the horrible things we saw on that long, cold night. Yet, here we all are, wearing pencil skirts in our cubicles, expected to partake in the slow churn of capitalism as if we didn't see an undead ice dragon murder all our friends just last night.

While you work on physically unclenching and emotionally returning from the hellscape of Winterfell to the real-life hellscape of America, we're sure your head is swimming with questions about what exactly happened last night. Ours too, so let's remain in Westeros together just a little longer, shall we?

Couldn't Melisandre have done a bit more?

We aren't particularly clear on the intricacies of the red lady's relationship to the lord of light, or what exactly the lord of light's whole schtick is anyway (we do know he occasionally demands the murder of small, charming children), but it just seems like maybe the duo could have contributed more to the battle. Sure, Melisandre lit some curvy swords and pointy sticks on fire and said an annoyingly vague thing about blue eyes, but what about sending some fireballs raining down on the undead army? Or just setting the night king on fire?? Honestly, we would even have been satisfied with just a tad more visibility.


Where are you, spooky boy? We know you're off enjoying the feeling of wind in your feathers but do you wanna share any of that newfound wisdom? Maybe even just let Theon know to dodge to the right a little?

Is my TV broken? Why can't I see anything?

Everyone knows Game of Thrones is dark, but most people thought that descriptor primarily applied to the content and themes, not the quality of the actual cinematography. But last night millions of Americans questioned the functionality of their TV screens as they screamed at friends and spouses, "PAUSE IT I'M GONNA TURN THE KITCHEN LIGHT OFF AND SEE IF THAT HELPS, TURN OUT THE LAMP!" Alas, even watching the show in total darkness did not help visibility, and we all continued to squint at our respective screens until the dragons burst above the clouds and we all winced as our pupils were flooded with unexpected moonlight.


Listen, we know you had a lot of singing and drinking and fucking to do before the battle, but did it not cross ANYONE'S mind that the night king's whole thing is making dead bodies into bony murderers with dreamy blue eyes? At least their stupidity earned us that tender hand kiss between Sansa and Tyrion.

Do we kind of want a Sansa and Tyrion romance to happen?

I mean, did you see that tender hand kiss? Sure, he's probably in the later stages of syphilis and liver failure by now, but nobody's perfect and DID YOU SEE THAT TENDER HAND KISS? Sorry, I'll try to stop yelling.

Was Jon Snow riding the other dragon really the best move?

We get it, he wants Dany to call him Aegon in bed now, he rides dragons, WE GET IT. But isn't Jon's whole thing that he's really good at swords? Was he really helping by getting severe windburn on the back of a dragon that's realistically gonna do whatever it wants? Also, RUN A LITTLE FASTER AT THE NIGHT KING JON WHAT WAS WITH THAT LIGHT JOG?! LETS SEE SOME HUSTLE! Ugh.

Has Daenerys ever held a sword?

Sure, she's small, but if Arya has taught us anything its that size does not matter when it comes to kicking ass in Westeros. As he has since the days of desert wandering and Emilia Clarke agreeing to on-screen nudity, Jorah shows up to save the dragon queen's life, and in doing so, dies as he lived: deep in the friend zone.

Arya's dagger drop is the fan service we all deserved for sticking with this hell show for 8 seasons

Was Arya's appearance out of nowhere a moment of extreme deus ex machina? Absolutely. Was it debatably lazy and too easy? Absolutely. Was it the coolest damn thing we've ever seen? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

Hopefully, by next week, we'll all have recovered enough to dive into the battle's afterm—




Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

While we're admittedly disappointed by the lack of nipples featured in Season 8, Episode 2 of Game of Thrones, we're really over-the-moon about Arya's unexpected sexual dominance over that filthy, filthy blacksmith. Sure, we didn't get any particularly unexpected moments or well-written dialogue, but we did get plenty of unnecessary exposition! As usual, we're left with more questions than answers.

Is Sansa going to be disappointed by Theon's lack of equipment?

What were we supposed to have gathered from that long gaze between Sansa and Theon? Are they about to apocalypse bang? Isn't he kind of gross? Doesn't he lack the necessary equipment to make that happen? How does Joe Jonas feel about this?

Is this an allegory for climate change or is it just zombies vs. dragons from the mind of someone who stopped emotionally developing at 13?

There is absolutely an argument to be made that there are some pretty high-minded metaphors going on in this wet dream of a TV show, but there is also convincing evidence that a dragon vs. ice zombie fight with an HBO budget is going to be the coolest thing anyone's ever seen. So, honestly, who cares if the world is ending?

Why did they try to copy that scene from Lord of the Rings where Pippin sings while Faramir gets shot?

Pippin's Song: Edge of Night (LOTR) HQ + Subs/

Yes, a haunting ballad is an excellent backing track to a significant plot moment, but that doesn't mean you can just straight up steal from Peter Jackson. Sure, the man desecrated his reputation with The Hobbit movies, but we still owe him at least a shred of respect for the way that grape tomato represented Faramir's life!

Why didn't Jon or Dany mention the incest elephant in the room?

Yeah, we get it, Dany is supposed to be all power hungry now and we're all questioning her ability to lead, she's complicated, WE GET IT. But seriously, not a single mention of the fact that Aunt's usually don't have passionate boat sex with their nephews? Nothing?

Arya has boobs?

In theory, we knew this. But I don't think we really knew until today. How do we feel about this? Honestly, kind of like we saw our cousin naked. But then again, in Westeros, that's not really a big deal.

Why did Jon stay in the crypt the whole time?

So we hate to say it, because there is no question that the man broods deliciously, but is Jon...getting boring? You're really going to spend the whole damn day with your dead relatives underground instead of fucking your hot aunt before you turn into a zombie?

Is Jaime...a feminist?

Sure, Hillary lost the election but Brienne was knighted.

Will the white walker dragon breathe dry ice?!

This isn't even a question. If the white walker dragon doesn't blow ice into his dragon brother's fire so that the two elements mix in the air to create a magnificent, high budget explosion, we're cancelling our HBO subscriptions.

Can we PLEASE just see Jon Snow's butt again?

That's it. That's the whole question. There is no farther explanation needed.

Is Bran...okay?

We get it, you're spooky now, but my god the room-clearing one liners are getting out of hand.

Is Tormund saying "suckled at her teet" the worst or best line ever uttered on this god forsaken television program?

First of all, Tormund is a gift. Second of all, did he get any of that beer in his mouth?

As always, valar morgulis, nerds. Check out the trailer for episode 3 below!

Game of Thrones | Season 8 Episode 3 | Preview (HBO)

Brooke Ivey Johnsonis a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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