What says Christmas in Brooklyn better than a chorus of, "Light up my Christmas tree like a cigarette / We don't need eggnog / We've got Jameson?"
All I want for Christmas is...a mohawk? In “Brooklyn Christmas Eve” — Brent Butler’s punky/power-pop tribute to the holiday season — a mohawk could actually be on someone’s wish list. Butler and his pals – judging by the lyrics – aren’t expecting much in the line of presents this year, and they’re okay with that:
Unemployed, so we got no shopping bags
But we're happy with the little things we have
Radio says this is the best time of the year
But my wish is for summer to appear.
Influenced by the Pogues and Green Day, Butler brings his own millennial-infused, charmingly off-beat sensibility to this chanson pour Noël.
If Butler got you pogo-ing around the Christmas tree, lend an ear to his 2018 debut EP Lilac. It’s a genre-bending blend of new wave and hip-hop and is available on any number of platforms.
Confess: you’re as sick of Silver Bells and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as I am. Every mall and coffee shop has been cranking out the same old songs since we trashed our Halloween pumpkins – and ate the rest of the candy. A change is needed. It’s wayyyyy past time to reboot the nation’s holiday playlist.
And so, public-spirited citizen that I am, here’s a list of some lesser-known versions of songs for the season, with an original or two thrown in for good measure.
Plug in the tree lights, shake up the eggnog, and – if you have a record player – break out the vinyl. And give these choice cuts a listen.
“Grace,” Lizz Wright
This song is a marvel. Mz. Wright gloriously reminds us that we all can use a little grace in our lives as we head into the new year.
“Santa Claus, Santa Claus,” Charles Brown
They don’t come any smoother than Charles Brown, who’s best known these days for that other holiday song, “Merry Christmas, Baby.” This is cut from the same cloth – smooth vocal, bluesy piano stylings – but doesn’t get played as often. Here’s your chance to remedy the situation:
“Santa Tell Me,” by Ariana Grande
Cheeky, boppy - Ari will get your cheer on and have you dancin’ round the kitchen as you dust those homemade sugar cookies with red, green, and sparkly sprinkles. Don’t forget to check out the hilarious outtakes – ho-ho-ho.
“White Christmas,” the Drifters
This group went through several incarnations, producing classics such as “Money Honey” and “There Goes My Baby.” This version of Irving Berlin’s classic is from 1954 and features the legendary Clyde McPhatter.
“Santa Baby,” Shakira
It’s tough to top Eartha Kitt’s 1953 original, but Shakira manages to heat things up, aided and abetted by a small jazz combo, in Rockefeller Center, 2009:
“Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto,” James Brown
The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, gives that jolly old elf his marching orders. And just so everyone knows what’s what, “Tell ‘em James Brown sent you.” Better listen to the Godfather of Soul, Saint Nick...
“Angels We Have Heard On High,” Annie Lennox
Sweet Christmas dreams are made of this. Lennox brings her trademark powerful sound to bear on this beloved hymn, replete with a gazillion red-gowned chorus members, in a performance from 2010.
“Silent Night,” the Swan Silvertones
One of the greatest gospel groups of all time lend their voices to another version of the 1818 carol. Claude Jeter’s voice, soaring above it all, is a thing of diaphanous beauty.
“Lonely Christmas,” Crayon Pop
5 charming elves will chase away those Holiday blues. This catchy tune is one earworm I actually adore!
“Christmas Wrapping,” the Waitresses
The late Patty Donahue fronted this new wave band best known for “I Know What Boys Like.” She brings an authentic touch of holiday despair to this fast-moving tale of chances missed...and opportunities taken.
There you have it – 10 songs to reboot our Holiday Playlist. This is far from definitive, of course. There are so many singers and Yuletide songs I yearned to include, but there just wasn’t enough space to fit them all in.
And, because it is – after all – better to give than to receive, here’s a bonus track. I heard this in the local deli this morning and it’s been buzzing around my head ever since...
“Here Comes Santa Claus,” Bing Crosby and the Andrew Sisters.
The Andrews Sisters - Here Comes Santa Claus
www.youtube.com
That's pretty much canon at this point after a phone call audio featuring Melania complaining about Christmas went public. "I'm working my ass off at Christmas stuff that you know, who gives a f**k about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I need to do it, right? Correct?" she said in an audio file leaked by her former friend Stephanie Winston Wokoff.
But after four years of seeing her decorations stain the White House in all their ominous, grim glory, are any of us really that surprised?
Recently, The Cut ranked Melania's decorations from most to least haunted. It gave 2018's blood-red Christmas trees the top spot; and truly, those were cursed. The particular shade of red was ominous against the bland carpets; images of Melania walking alone through them had something of a Little Red Riding Hood feel to them.
But this raises the question: is Melania Little Red Riding Hood or the wolf?
Melania has been a deeply polarizing figure since she entered office — an unavoidable fact due to her close relationship with one of the most polarizing figures of all time, Donald Trump. Early on, she was viewed as a victim, and the Free Melania movement took hold as people wondered if she was trapped like a princess in Bluebeard's castle, caged by her husband's endless greed.
Melania Trump among her infamous red christmas trees
People empathized with her, wondering if she had just married Trump to get a sugar daddy and had been thrown into this political mess by no choice of her own, if she had wanted any of this at all. And in some ways, it is kind of unfair that she has been so heavily criticized for decorating for a capitalist holiday that she doesn't care about.
But Melania has never been an innocent prisoner. She defended birtherism on The View. She said that she thought children in detention centers were "taken care of nicely there." More evidence surfaced: In a 1999 interview, when Trump ran for president, Melania said she hoped to be the next Jackie Kennedy. A biography called "Free, Melania" exposed holes in Melania's story, finding her to be "a cold, determined woman" who is "practiced in deception, deeply attached to splendor, seemingly unconcerned by racism, oblivious to the suffering of the working people from whose ranks she flew, and instinctive about bolstering male power."
Through it all, she never really seemed to care about much. On another occasion, she made waves when she wore that infamous jacket that read, "I really don't care do U"?
Still, none of that can really explain the macabre feeling that comes over me when I see Melania's Christmases.
Perhaps her White House Christmases are haunting because they are so clearly born out of a sense of apathy — a sense of totally sterilized, icy separateness from the rest of the world. This apathy might be admirable, in a sort of punk-rock way, if Melania wasn't part of a team of people that is literally responsible for managing other humans and running America.
Melania's husband's responses to COVID-19 (and to almost every issue of his presidency) resemble Melania's Christmas decorations – in that they are full of apathy, far removed from meaning, and warmth and devoid of love. In addition, perhaps Melania's Christmases are so chilling because of the fact that they were part of an administration that has been so traumatizing, so utterly damaging, and so unbelievably tragic that it's impossible to extricate their cold glamour from the broken promises and shattered ravages of the Trump administration.
As many of us spend Christmas away from our families, scared and unsafe in a broken nation, perhaps our greatest fear has come true: Melania's Christmas spirit has crept out of the White House and across America, separating and dividing us, stripping us of our joy.
Let's just hope that next year, we'll have less of a f*** Christmas and more of a "Let's party all night with all our best friends because we finally have a vaccine" kind of holiday week. Until then, I'll be staring at these decorations and wondering where it went so wrong.
The art of cinema has gifted us with myriad Christmas classics: Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life, White Christmas...
But after constant replay every year, watching those delightful classics is like looking at old family photographs – after one fond sigh of nostalgia, you're bored and just looking at people who are dead now.
On the other hand, every latchkey '90s kid can tell you that Christmas means sitting in front of the TV all day, watching the sitcom families that practically raised us experience holiday mayhem and mischief.
In the age of streaming (and of Hulu acquiring our childhood in a deal with ABC), we can watch all the Christmas specials of '90s sitcoms in a nonstop throwback. Step back in time to the days of dial up, call waiting, and a sore lack of diversity on TV that we'll ignore for the sake of nostalgia!
(All of these can be found in full on Hulu, with the exception of Boy Meets World, which is on YouTube, and Friends, which remains Netflix's b*tch).
<p>There are a few gems when it comes to <em>Family Matters </em>tackling Christmas, from Steve Urkel and Carl WInslow pretending to be roof ornaments in order to win a neighborhood contest (which seemed to be every TV person's first priority in the '90s) to Richie inviting a homeless man to live with the Winslows and that man turning out to be definitely Santa Claus with zero follow-up questions asked (seriously, they didn't even change their locks). But this episode was a memorable role swap when Laura had to experience what her constant rejection felt like to Steve–you know, almost like empathy, but with a lot of humiliation first.</p>
It's Christmas! Time to start breaking out those old Christmas albums. Put on some Bing Crosby, some Mariah Carey, maybe even a little John and Yoko… if you're a normie that is. Who needs that kitschy, sentimental junk? For this Christmas, let's get weird. Here are thirteen songs for people whose relationship to the holiday season is… unconventional. Enjoy!
"Please Come to My Christmas Party" - Koo Koo Kangaroo
Are Koo Koo Kangaroo brilliantly weird, or weirdly brilliant? Who cares, their combination of corny but catchy beats, and so-lame-they're-awesome lyrics is deviously brilliant. In this song they invite you (in the guise of a quirky neighbor) to their Christmas party, make a bunch of weird requests of you, and promise a great time. This is a soft start to the list, we're about to get extra strange…
Do you hate Alvin and the Chipmunks? Yeah, me too. Do you wish there was a Christmas song about them being killed and then fed to Santa sung in the style of Nat King Cole? You're in luck! Bob Rivers recorded this nihilistic ditty about killing the squeaky voiced rodents in 2000. It features Alvin (well, in this rights-free edition he's called Melvin) and co being cooked and eaten to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. This is a great one for making the children question the meaning of the season.
"Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End)" - The Darkness
Nothing says Christmas like glam rock and a song title that references a British euphemism for penis! The Darkness are the officially endorsed heirs to 70s rock, you probably know them for I Believe in a Thing Called Love, but this is one of (a couple of) Christmas tunes that they have recorded in their time. It's a little generic once you get past its titter-worthy title, but it's still great fun! Get a chorus of children singing this and wonder what life choices led you to this point!
Do you love December 23rd? If your answer is "I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent," then you'd be on the same page as most people. Except professors Paul and Storm! Originally off of Do You Like Star Wars? and later featured on their Christmas album It Might be Xmas, this song sings the praises of that weird not-quite-holiday. It's quirky, silly, and completely pointless. Listen to it now.
"I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With a Dalek" - The Go Go's
For fans of Doctor Who, this is a bizarre must have. The Go Go's are a band that released very little in their time. Hailing from Newcastle, this was their only hit. Hugely popular during the Dalekmania that swept the UK in the 1960s, it quickly disappeared in to the woodwork, only to resurface in 2000 on the CD Who's Doctor Who? It's not a great song, the riff is reminiscent of the Peter Gunn TV theme, the singing is the weird 1960s lisping of grown women pretending to be children, the Dalek voice is so-so… but damn it all, you try and find anything else quite like this for a Christmas album. It's not like Star Wars ever had a Christmas song…
Sleigh Ride - C3PO & R2D2
That's a lie, they totally did. They actually have a couple thanks to the infamous Holiday Special. Want some more Star Wars in your Christmas? Gotcha covered, here is C-3PO teaching R2-D2 how to sing a Christmas tune. You didn't know you needed it (and you probably don't), but here it is in all its ridiculous glory. Enjoy, and here's wishing all our Wookie readers a happy Life Day!
"Space Christmas" - Shonen Knife
Staying in outer-space, here's something that's just flat out weird. Apparently once called Kurt Cobain's favorite band (they toured with Nirvana back in the day), Shonen Knife rock the jingles off of this non-carol. It's about getting a spaceship for Christmas, going to Pluto, and Santa riding in a bison sleigh. You know… normal Christmas stuff.
"All I Want For Christmas is a Dukla Prague Away Kit" - Half Man Half Biscuit
Now for something more melancholy. This post-punk ode to the disappointing toys and bad friends of childhood is probably the least Christmassy of all the songs on this list, but it's still definitely worth a listen. Wistful, disaffected, and hinting at undercurrents of British class warfare, this is sure to get people thinking about socialism at the annual office party!
Yeah, this one's NSFW. It's barely suitable for home. Ladled to the brim with profanity at a level only Australians are capable of, Kevin Bloody Wilson tears Christmas a new one in this song all about reindeer and assorted friends quitting their jobs. Don't play this one for your kids, but put it on in the car after a particularly stressful bout of Christmas shopping, and have a nice cathartic experience.
You bet there's Weird Al on this list! The king of musical parody has this rocking original tune for y'all to celebrate Christmas with. It's about Santa getting drunk, going nuts, and slaughtering everyone at the North Pole, save a few survivors. This one is violent, no question, but it's mostly cartoony violence, so you can play it for your slightly older kids. Another one for when you need to blow off some holiday steam!
Hey, remember how the 90s were sometimes total garbage? No? Well, then listen to this and refresh your memory. New Kids on the Block, the kings of severely dated white-person dance-rap-pop, present this ridiculously tacky, stupendously pre-millennium Yuletide hip-hop. Put it on when you want people to either dance ironically, or throw up and leave your party. Both are distinct possibilities.
"Deck the Halls With Pepperoni" - The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Who asked for this? I mean who? Who signed off on this? I mean, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Christmas Musical itself I can kind of understand from a money-grubbing, cash-in, the-kids'll-buy-it, mentality… but who heard the words "pizza-themed, reggae cover of 'Deck The Halls'" and said "This needs to happen. Spend money on this"? Only a mad man. This is a good one for 1am on Christmas Day when you're drunk and ready to show your family something strange on YouTube. Enjoy with as much cynicism as possible.
If 2017 were a Christmas Carol, this is what it what would be. A creepy as sin song about Father Christmas making inappropriate suggestions, being rebuffed, and yet still persisting. Performed by British comedy gods The Goodies, and released as a B-Side to their hit single The Inbetweenies, you will likely feel INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE when this comes on. Play it during your next game of Cards Against Humanity, it will go down a storm.
Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, but sometimes you're not feeling the cheer.
Or maybe you just love sad music and want to get in the holiday spirit. Whatever your reason for listening to melancholy music, there are plenty of devastating Christmas songs to help you cozy up with a cup of spiked cider and the blues. From indie gems to old classics, are our favorites.
1. McCarthy Trenching — Christmas Song
This song (which was later covered by Phoebe Bridgers) is simply devastating.
Taylor stabs you right in the heart with this saccharine song about missing an ex-lover.
Taylor Swift - Christmases When You Were Mine (Lyrics)
www.youtube.com
8. Joni Mitchell — River
Joni Mitchell's mournful reinterpretation of "Jingle Bells" is seasonal depression distilled into sound, and it's four minutes and nine seconds of glittering, devastating brilliance.
10. The Everly Brothers — Christmas Eve Can Kill You
Wait, it can?
EVERLY BROTHERS - Christmas Eve Can Kill You (1971)
www.youtube.com
11. 7 O'Clock News/Silent Night — Simon and Garfunkel
This song is just "Silent Night" placed over a recording of the news, but as we all know, the news can be hard to listen to—and hearing it played against the soft sounds of Christmas makes the reports of violence and injustice even more difficult to tune out than usual.
Though it has no words, it's almost universally agreed that this song just sounds sad. That's actually because the human brain is literally wired to hear the blues in minor chords, and this song has plenty of them.
20. LCD Soundsystem — Christmas Will Break Your Heart
So apparently if Christmas Eve doesn't kill me, then Christmas Day will break my heart, even though last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, maybe I just won't celebrate Christmas... or maybe I'll start listening to happy music instead.
LCD Soundsystem - Christmas Will Break Your Heart video
www.youtube.com
So there you have it — the twenty saddest Christmas songs we know of. However, despite these songs, we hope you have a very merry holiday.
Melania Trump among her infamous red christmas trees
Melania Trump
Giphy
