Culture Feature

You Can't Change My Mind: Carole Baskin and Hillary Clinton Are the Same Person

Isn't it weird how you've never seen them in the same room?

This summer Hulu announced that the streaming service will be producing a new drama called Rodham.

The show will imagine an alternate version of Hillary Rodham's life in which she never married Bill Clinton. It's interesting enough as a premise, and it will probably get a lot of buzz. My only problem is that I already watched it in March, back when it was called Tiger King.

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TV News

Sarah Palin Was on "The Masked Singer" and America Is Doomed

The former vice presidential candidate sang "Baby Got Back," because she's #relatable.

The Masked Singer is simultaneously a mysteriously popular reality show and a furry's wet dream.

The singing competition series combines the celebrity appeal of Dancing With the Stars with the good old-fashioned talent contest of American Idol or The Voice. Notable public figures sport particularly frightening head-to-toe ensembles and take turns singing songs, and the judges must guess who is in the suit. And, as is the case with any reality show, things get cringey—especially when a costumed Sarah Palin gives a rendition of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."

That's correct: The one-time vice presidential candidate (and Most Famous Alaskan Probably Ever) removed a monstrous bear head (as the entire crowd yelled "take it off," which isn't at all creepy) to reveal her identity before diving into the 1992 hit. She made sure to note that she tweaked the lyrics to be about men's butts instead. Because we can excuse a former governor for opposing same-sex marriage and being a life member of the NRA if they're funny and relatable, right? Right?

Before host Nick Cannon signed off, Palin assured the crowd: "This is something that our country needs right now, too." I can't say I agree, considering I'm typing this through an anxiety-ridden self-quarantine, but to each their own. Funny and relatable! We are in hell!

Watch the haunting performance below:

www.youtube.com

ABC

When I wept myself to sleep on Election Night 2016 and woke up to begin the long process of shipping all my pets to safe homes overseas, people told me I was overreacting.

"Sure, he's a petulant, sexist, racist asshole, but he's not a monster. He's not a dictator. He's not Stalin…"

Those words are echoing in my head today, made suddenly ominous and foreboding. And there is no consolation in the fact that I am vindicated. I am only thankful that I didn't listen to the people who tried to prevent me from shipping Hampton Sterling to that nice Dutch family. He is too fragile to watch what's becoming of our once proud nation, now that Donald Trump has revealed his true self. Stalin could not hope for a better heir to his legacy. Just as Joseph Vissarionovich before him, Donald Trump has begun the process of rewriting history to reflect current allegiances.

surprised hamster gif Avert your gaze, Hampton!


It started last night, half an hour into the ABC's broadcast of Dancing With the Stars, when Donald Trump was still rooting for his former press secretary, Sean Spicer to take home the prize. He tweeted, "Vote for Sean Spicer on Dancing with the Stars. He is a great and very loyal guy who is working very hard. He is in the quarterfinals – all the way with Sean! #MAGA #KAG" But don't bother looking for that tweet in his feed now, because Trump's coveted dancing endorsement wasn't enough to overcome Spicer's lackluster performance. This last-minute plea for votes was perhaps too late, or Trump's endorsement isn't as powerful as he thinks.

At any rate, the tally came in, and Spicer lost, and there is no greater sin in Trump's ethos than the sin of losing—especially on a reality show. Almost immediately, like Stalin erasing the men he's killed from his old photos, Donald Trump deleted that tweet. Did he ever think that Sean Spicer was "great and very loyal?" The official record has nothing to say on the matter. The moment would have been fully wiped from history if not for the brave souls who risked their lives by sharing their screenshotted contraband. In its place is a new tweet that merely says that Spicer's performance was a "great try" and a half-hearted claim that "we're all proud of you!"


trump changed tweet about spicer, stalin edited photo Pictured: The exact same thing


Trump has deleted endorsement tweets before, but never for anyone who was once so close to him. Where are the MAGA and KAG hashtags in the new tweet? They are reserved for people who are accepted members of the inner circle. Spicer is no longer a Made man. Like Scaramucci and so many others before him, the ranks have closed, with Spicer now on the outside. If you ask Trump tomorrow who his first Press Secretary was, he would say with a straight face "Sarah Sanders." These are today's alternative facts. The dictator's history reflects the present, and Sean Spicer is out.


marty mcfly staring at his hand


So many people want to focus on extorting Ukraine, abandoning the Kurds in Syria, putting children in concentration camps, or cutting funds to important social services while racking up enormous deficits as a result of tax cuts for our nation's wealthiest citizens. But let's spare a moment for a real victim of Trump's evil. Sean Spicer is being erased. If I were him, I'd be sleeping with one eye open, staring at my hand like Marty McFly in Back to the Future. But I'm not, so I'll fall asleep crying, staring at an empty hamster cage as usual.

CULTURE

The 7 Craziest Things That Have Happened Since Trump Was Elected

It's Been Three Years Since Election Night, And It's Time Look Back on the Chaos

Three years ago today, The New York Times was still proudly proclaiming the near-certainty that Hillary Clinton would be our president, and we all pretty much assumed they were right.

But if you were Biff Tannen in Back to the Future 2 (which President Trump absolutely is), travelling back in time with your future-knowledge, you could have made some good money betting on the election upset.

BTTF2: Old Biff Gives The Grays Sports Almanac to His 1955 Alter Ego www.youtube.com

In the UK, where it's legal to bet on these things, gamblers made millions by betting on Trump's victory. Still though, Trump's win is hardly the most surprising thing that's happened in the last three years. If you really wanted to get out there with your gambling, you could make some serious cash predicting stuff like…

Kanye Is Going to Come Out as a Trump Supporter

Dragon energy! Less than two weeks after the election, Kanye began the horrifying saga that is still underway by announcing that, if he voted, he would have voted for Trump. This is obviously a strange turn for the man who once visibly broke Mike Myers by saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people."

Considering the fact that 80% of black voters consider Trump racist, and only 8% voted for him in 2016, and that Trump and his father were actually sued back in the 70s by the Justice Department for refusing to rent apartments to black people, you might expect Kanye to have similar concerns about our current Commander-in-chief. You would be wrong, because Kanye knows that Trump has "dragon energy," which is why he wears MAGA hats and says that being enslaved was a choice.

Trump's Press Secretary Is Going to Be on "​​Dancing With the Stars​​"

Spicer with his dancing partner on "Dancing With the Stars"

NBC News

Sean Spicer was bad at his job. He was easily flustered, combative, couldn't deliver a convincing lie, and was constantly distracted by having a colon literally packed to the brim with swallowed chewing gum. But once he'd resigned, it was time to start rehabilitating his image. The process began just a few months after he left the White House in September of 2017, when he made a theatrical appearance on stage at the 69th Emmy Awards—to the delight of Kevin Spacey—and joked about how he used to lie to America for a living. Since then, he's been a correspondent on Extra and finally achieved the pinnacle of his career in August of this year, when he was announced as a member of the cast of Dancing With the Stars season 28. Good luck, Sean!

He's Going to Give Omarosa a Job at the White House

Trump whispering to Omarosa

NY Post

Remember Omarosa Manigault? Back in 2016 the name might have rung a bell. She was the devious villain who lost the first season of The Apprentice and went on to have a successful career as "that awful woman from The Apprentice." Who better to work in the White House? After all, she recognized the importance of the office of the presidency as "the ultimate revenge", so… Actually, her addition to Trump's transition team in December of 2016 was pretty predictable. The only thing more predictable was the fact that she would eventually stab Trump in the back. The fact that she had to be physically dragged out of the White House is a nice bonus though.

An Adult Film Star Is Going to Describe His Mushroom-Penis

Trump, Stormy Daniels, and Toad

Everyone knows that Donald Trump has the best, classiest taste, so if he's going to cheat on his new wife with an adult entertainment star, you'd better believe that star is going to be a three-time "Favorite Breasts" award-winner, and the star of classic films like Trailer Trash Nurses 6 and Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre. What might be a little less predictable is that said entertainer will write a book in which she compares Trump's weird penis to a mushroom.

He's Going to Compare "Button" Sizes with Kim Jung-Un

Trump and Kim Button Tweet

The Scottish Sun

Speaking of Trump's weird penis, you know what a dick-measuring contest could be a fun metaphor for? A series of reciprocated threats between two men comparing terrifying nuclear arsenals. What fun. You could definitely make some money predicting something so stupid, but what's really impressive is predicting that these two star-crossed madmen will then fall in love.

He's Going to Create a Sci-Fi Military Branch Called Space Force

Trump with astronaut toy

Reuters

Space Force? Okay, at this point your predictions are just lining up with what a ten-year-old would do with the presidency…which is actually a pretty good model for anticipating his behavior. Unfortunately, Space Force is not going to involve kickass, Starship Trooper space marines, but the ridiculous name alone is pretty great. What could be more childish than that? Other than…

He's Going to Look Directly at a Solar Eclipse

Do you remember being warned about solar eclipses as a child? It's like the number two thing about eclipses. Number one, the moon blocks the sun. Number two, don't look at it! Surely, no adult would be so stupid, right? In his ongoing effort to be a caricature of ignorant defiance, Trump ignored this warning and looked directly at the sun during the 2017 solar eclipse.

Now just remember this list when you hop in your time machine, and you should be all set. If you want, you could also cash in on some of the more predictable stuff, like appointing an "alleged" sex criminal to the supreme court and putting kids in concentration camps, but obviously the real money is in Space Force.

CULTURE

The Sexiest Celebrity Halloween Costumes EVER

Sure, "Trick or Treat" and all that good stuff, but let's be honest, Halloween is all about the sexy costumes.

2019 has been a calamity of a year.

Trump thinks the constitution is "phony" and doesn't apply to him because of his wealth, the amazon is still very much engulfed in flames, and global warming is set to decimate humanity in less than a decade. It all seems quite dire, which is why Halloween is welcomed warmly this year. It's time to give 'em pumpkin to talk about that isn't impending doom. It's time to lift your "spirits," realize life is "gourd" and get done up in boo-tiful costumes to help distract from the actual spooky terror going on outside. To get you amped up, here are a few of the sexiest costumes ever!

Kim Kardashian West as Cat Woman

The Kardashian Klan has dawned a lot of gorgeous costumes over the years, but frankly Kim Kardashian's Cat Woman costume of 2012 takes the cake. Kanye as Batman is also additionally something we can't unsee, but for far different, not sexy reasons.

TV

Sean Spicer Is Basically RoboCop

Sean Spicer's character arc on Dancing With the Stars is ripped straight from RoboCop.

ABC

In a dystopian American future, a man who has lost everything and been shamed and brutalized beyond recognition is revived by a mega-corporation and brought back into society as both a hero of the people and a tool of fascism. Welcome to Dancing With the Stars starring Sean Spicer.

As disgraced ex-U.S. press secretary Sean Spicer glorbled his way around the dance floor to "Spice Up Your Life" by Spice Girls, the very fabric of reality collapsed around my computer screen. "Glorbled" isn't even a real word, but there's no other way to capture the alienness of witnessing Sean Spicer gleefully smacking bongos in a frilly, lime green top and dumpy, ill-fitting slacks. This is a man who used his official position as the White House mouthpiece to knowingly lie to the American public, and now that he's left the government in disgrace, we're watching him crotch slide. Excuse my language, but what the f*ck is wrong with us?

Sean Spicer's Salsa – Dancing with the Stars www.youtube.com

Then it dawned on me. This premise is ripped straight from RoboCop, Paul Verhoeven's enduring 1987 cyberpunk-satire that warned against capitalism run amuck.

RoboCop takes place in a dystopian-future Detroit on the brink of collapse until a mega-corporation called Omni Consumer Products (OCP) steps in to save the day. OCP turns the once-downtrodden city into a bustling, high-end utopia and also takes control of the police force. So when Alex Murphy, one of the best officers on the force, gets brutally murdered in the line of duty, OCP uses his corpse as the test subject for an experimental cyborg program, reanimating him as RoboCop.

RoboCop quickly becomes a hero to the public, operating on three Prime Directives: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, and uphold the law. But there's a secret fourth directive RoboCop doesn't know about: "Any attempt to arrest a senior officer of OCP results in shutdown." In short, RoboCop is designed to be a tool of corporate fascism, capable of reinforcing the ruling party's will while never turning against his creators, no matter what they do.

robocop Orion Pictures

Verhoeven's entire point in RoboCop is that corporations only care about social goodness to the extent of their ability to profit off it. ABC seems to be doing everything in their power to prove him right, and what better way to do that than by stealing RoboCop's character arc for Sean Spicer?

Like RoboCop, Sean Spicer is a man who has been brutalized by society. There are some differences, of course––Alex Murphy was very good at his job, while Sean Spicer was a total nincompoop––but for all intents and purposes, Sean Spicer's public image is battered and bloody, just like Alex Murphy's corpse after being torn apart by shotgun blasts.

Luckily for Spicer, ABC can rebuild him. They have the technology and, more importantly, a primetime TV slot. So just as OCP outfits Murphy's corpse with android technology and sends him out to patrol, ABC outfits Spicer in silly costumes and sends him out to dance. They hope that, in the same way the dystopian Detroit public came to love RoboCop, so, too, will the dystopian American public––most of whom ABC hopes have been lobotomized by the 24-hour news cycle––come to love goofy dancing Sean Spicer.

One would hope people could see through the charade and crush ABC's attempts to normalize a guy who literally defended Hitler. But I'm not so confident we can do that.